In the life of every parent, sooner or later there comes a time when he is faced with hysterics in a child. For some parents, this becomes a real problem: they do not understand what is the root cause of this child’s behavior and how to deal with it.
In this article we will try to understand the possible causes of children's tantrums, their symptoms, and also consider options for parental behavior in which the risk of children's hysterics can be reduced or even eliminated.
What is "hysteria"
Hysteria is a very vivid emotional reaction, which is accompanied by loud screaming, tears, and demonstrative behavior; a condition in which it is difficult for a child to calm down.
The reasons for this behavior can be completely different. They depend on the age of the child, the characteristics of the nervous system, the type of upbringing in the family, etc.
A child’s hysteria can occur in response to an insult, a parental demand that the child has no desire to fulfill, or in situations of unpleasant news.
It is very important that parents can distinguish hysteria from another state of the child, very similar to hysteria - whim.
Caprice is the desire of young children (mostly preschoolers) to achieve something forbidden, but very desirable, at this very moment in time.
Whims occur in almost all growing children and are not a cause for concern. They are safe for the child’s psyche. If the parent behaves correctly, they help the child understand and accept the boundaries of what is acceptable.
Doctor Komarovsky's opinion
A well-known doctor believes that a “spectator” is important for a child during a hysteria. This is a must. There is no spectator, no hysteria. The person who is most sensitive to the child’s behavior will definitely be chosen to play the role of spectator.
Komarovsky’s opinion somewhat contradicts the generally accepted opinion that when in a state of hysteria, a child cannot control himself. Evgeniy Olegovich claims that the child assesses the situation very well and everything he does during a hysteria is quite conscious.
The doctor advises the whole family to choose a single behavioral strategy - “not to pay attention and not to succumb to manipulation”, then the child will understand that hysteria is not an option and will stop using it in his behavior.
About how to wean a child from hysterics, Komarovsky E.O. says in this video:
Consultation for parents “Doctor Komarovsky about tantrums in children”
Voroshko Irina
Consultation for parents “Doctor Komarovsky about tantrums in children”
Consultation for parents
Doctor Komarovsky about tantrums in a child
Children's tantrums can complicate the life of anyone, even very patient adults. Just yesterday the baby was a “darling”
, and today they replaced him - he screams for any reason, squeals, falls on the floor, hits his head on the walls and carpet, and no amount of exhortation helps.
Such unpleasant scenes are almost never just one-off protests. Often, a child’s tantrums are repeated systematically , sometimes several times a day. This cannot but worry and puzzle parents who wonder what they did wrong, whether everything is okay with the baby and how to stop these antics. The authoritative, famous children's doctor Evgeny Komarovsky tells moms and dads how to respond to children's tantrums .
About the problem
Children's tantrums are a ubiquitous phenomenon. And even if the parents of a toddler say that they have the calmest baby in the world, this does not mean that he never makes a scene out of the blue. Until recently , it was somehow embarrassing hysterics the parents were embarrassed , in case those around them would think that they were raising the little one poorly, and sometimes they were even afraid that those around them would consider their beloved child mentally “not like that”
.
So we fought as best we could, in the family circle. In recent years, they began to talk about the problem with specialists, child psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists and pediatricians. And an insight came: there are much more hysterical children than might seem at first glance. According to statistics available to child psychologists in one of the large clinics in Moscow, 80% of children under the age of 6 tantrums periodically, and 55% of such children have regular hysterics On average, children can have such attacks from 1 time a week to 3-5 times a day. During a hysteria, a child may scream heart-rendingly, tremble, choke, and there will not be so many tears. There may be trouble breathing, the heart rate increases, and many children try to harm themselves by scratching their faces, biting their hands, hitting walls or the floor. The attacks in children are quite long, after which they cannot calm down for a long time and sob. At certain age periods, hysterics acquire stronger manifestations; at such “critical”
stages of growing up, emotional outbursts change their color.
They may appear unexpectedly, or they may disappear just as suddenly. But hysterics should never be ignored, just as a child to manipulate adult family members by screaming and stamping his feet.
Doctor Komarovsky's opinion
First of all, says Evgeny Komarovsky , parents should remember that a child in a state of hysteria definitely needs a spectator. Kids never make scandals in front of the TV or washing machine; they choose a living person, and among the family members, the one who is most sensitive to his behavior is suitable for the role of spectator. This opinion somewhat contradicts the generally accepted opinion of child psychologists, who claim that a child in a state of hysterics has absolutely no control over himself. Komarovsky is sure that the baby is perfectly aware of the situation and balance of power, and everything he does at this moment is done completely arbitrarily. If a child ever gets his way with a tantrum , he will use this method constantly. Komarovsky warns parents to cajole their child during a tantrum . To give in means to become a victim of manipulation, which will, to one degree or another, constantly improving, continue for the rest of your life. It is advisable that all family members adhere hysterics “no”
never turned into daddy’s
“yes”
or grandma’s
“maybe
.
Then the child will quickly understand that hysteria is not a method at all, and will stop testing the nerves of adults.
If the grandmother begins to show gentleness and pity the child offended by parental refusal , then she risks becoming the only spectator of children's hysterics . The problem, says Komarovsky , is the lack of physical security with such grandmothers. After all, usually a grandson or granddaughter gradually stops obeying them and can get into an unpleasant situation in which they can get injured while walking, get burned by boiling water in the kitchen, stick something into an outlet, etc., because the baby will not react in any way to the grandmother’s calls.
What to do?
Absolutely any children can be naughty, says Komarovsky . Much depends on the character, temperament, upbringing, norms of behavior that are accepted in the family, on the relationships between the members of this family. Don't forget about the "transition"
age - 3 years, 6-7 years, adolescence. 3 years
At the age of about three years, a child begins to understand and become aware of himself in this big world, and, naturally, he wants to test this world for strength. In addition, children at this age are not yet and are not always able to express in words their feelings, emotions and experiences on any occasion. So they show them in the form of hysteria .
Quite often at this age stage, night tantrums . They are spontaneous in nature, the child simply wakes up at night and immediately practices a piercing cry, arches, sometimes tries to break free from adults and try to run away. Usually night tantrums do not last so long, and the child “outgrows”
them, they stop as suddenly as they began.
6-7 years
At 6-7 years old, a new stage of growing up occurs. The baby is already ripe to go to school, and they are beginning to demand more from him than before. He is very afraid of not meeting these requirements, he is afraid of “letting him down”
, stress accumulates and sometimes spills out again in the form of
hysteria .
Evgeny Komarovsky emphasizes that most often parents turn when the child is already 4-5 years old, when tantrums occur “out of habit”
.
If at an earlier age the parents failed to stop this behavior and unwittingly became participants in a harsh performance that the child plays out in front of them every day, trying to achieve something of his own. Parents are usually frightened by some external manifestations of hysteria , such as the child’s , convulsions, “
hysterical bridge ” (arching of the back, deep sobs and breathing problems. Affective-respiratory disorders, as Evgeniy Olegovich calls this phenomenon, are characteristic mainly of young children - up to 3 years. When crying strongly,
the child exhales almost the entire volume of air from the lungs, and this leads to paleness and holding his breath.
Such attacks are characteristic of capricious, excitable children, says Komarovsky . Many children use other methods of venting anger, disappointment or resentment - they they sublimate the emotion into movement - they fall, knock their legs and arms, hit their heads against objects, walls, the floor.
With a prolonged and severe hysterical affective-respiratory attack, involuntary convulsions may begin if the child consciousness begins to suffer. Sometimes in this state the baby can wet himself, even if he has been going potty perfectly for a long time, and no incidents happen. Usually after convulsions (tonic - with muscle tension or clonic - with relaxation, “limpness”
) breathing is restored, the skin ceases to be
“blue,”
and the baby begins to calm down.
With such manifestations of hysteria, it is still better to consult a pediatric neurologist, since the same symptoms are characteristic of some nervous disorders.
Adviсe
• Teach your child to express emotions in words. child cannot not be angry or irritated at all, like any other normal person . You just need to teach him how to correctly express his anger or irritation.
• A child prone to hysterical attacks should not be overly patronized, coddled and cherished; it is best to send him to kindergarten as early as possible. There, Komarovsky , attacks usually do not occur at all due to the absence of constant and impressionable spectators of hysterics - mom and dad .
• Hysterical attacks can be learned to anticipate and control. To do this, parents need to carefully observe when hysteria . The child may be sleep-deprived, hungry, or he cannot stand being rushed. Try to avoid potential “conflicts”
side of the situation.
• At the first sign of a hysteria , you need to try to distract the child . Usually, says Komarovsky “works” quite successfully.
with children under three years old. With older guys it will be more difficult.
• If your child tends to hold his breath when hysterical , there is nothing particularly wrong with that. Komarovsky says that in order to improve breathing, you just need to blow in the baby’s face, and he will definitely reflexively take a breath.
• No matter how difficult it is for parents to deal with their child’s tantrums , Komarovsky strongly recommends that they reach the end of this. If you let your child defeat you with hysterics , it will be even more difficult later. After all, from a hysterical three-year-old one day, a hysterical and completely obnoxious teenager of 15-16 years old will grow up. He will ruin the lives of not only his parents . He will make it very difficult for himself.
Causes
When examining the causes of children's tantrums, most psychologists agree that the most common are the following:
"Pay attention to me!"
In the modern world, mothers make high demands on themselves and place too much responsibility on themselves: every day they need to complete a number of household chores, have time to work as a freelancer, pay attention to their husbands, take time for themselves... In such a series of events, mothers quite often try to find an independent activity for a child.
Sooner or later, the child realizes that he is “standing in line” for his mother’s attention. Of course, this state of affairs does not suit him and then he unleashes a series of unreasonable, from the mother’s point of view, hysterics. In the manifestation of such hysterics, one can read his words: “Remember me! I'm here! I want your love, care and attention!”
"What if…"
Often, with his hysterics, a child tests the boundaries of what is permitted. Through trial and error, he understands: what is possible and what is not, where is good and where is evil. Through probing the boundaries, knowledge of the world occurs. This is fine. This process is a natural component of the interaction between parent and child.
“I can’t, no way!”
The inability to restrain negative emotions and cope with them independently in the process of acquiring new skills is one of the main reasons for children's tantrums. The child wants to get the final, final result of his actions of some nature as quickly as possible (sculpting a certain figure, cutting out a circle, drawing a tree) and if there is no such result, be hysterical! You must understand that at such moments he is really very upset and this problem covers all the thoughts and feelings of the little person.
“Today you can, tomorrow not!”
In cases where parental behavior is inconsistent, when there is no clear and understandable system of restrictions, the child is at a loss and does not understand how to behave. He cannot choose the right landmark. In such situations, hysteria becomes the child’s ally and helps him.
"I'm tired"
If a child is planning a difficult and eventful day (lots of outdoor games, holidays and birthdays, long trips), the risk of hysterics at the end of such a day is very high.
“It hurts me! And give me something to drink!”
Any physical discomfort such as hunger, thirst, pain can cause a child to become hysterical.
"When there is too much love!"
When parents do not see boundaries in their care for the child, and smother the child with their love and care, children begin to resist this. And the main weapon in this battle for the child becomes hysteria. This is especially evident during crisis periods of age.
Respect your child's personal boundaries! With the “Where are my children” application, you will always know where your child is and what is happening with him, without unnecessary calls and SMS.
Causes of nighttime hysteria
Hysteria at night occurs on average 1-3 times and can last up to 40 minutes. The child wakes up at night for the following reasons:
- Increased emotionality. Particularly sensitive children are more susceptible to hysterics.
- Daytime overexcitability. If a child has been to the cinema, zoo and other places over the weekend, then his nervous system is very excited. Sleep becomes unstable, the baby begins to get hysterical.
- Stress. For example, when a child gets used to a new group in kindergarten, he reacts sharply to trips or separation of parents.
- Diseases of the nervous system.
Symptoms
The most common symptoms of hysteria in children are loud crying and screaming, which is accompanied by tension in muscle tone throughout the body.
Then, impulsive and chaotic movements take place, palms clenched tightly into fists (knocking on walls, tables, floors).
If an adult tries to physically influence a child at this moment, he receives blows, bites, and scratches in response.
After this, sudden movements subside. The baby is crying. There are a lot of tears. The muscles relax. Signs of fatigue appear.
Manifestations of hysteria also include: teeth biting (for example, furniture upholstery), hitting the head against the wall and floor, falling and “stomping” feet. Severe tantrums can lead to convulsions and respiratory arrest.
After this, children often complain of headaches, pain from bruises, and nausea.
Diagnostics
Parents should understand that tantrums are just one of the signs of crisis stages in a child’s development.
Often, the parent independently (intuitively) selects the most harmonious way to help the child with hysterics.
When should you seek help from specialists:
- during or after a hysteria, the child stops or holds his breath for a long time,
- he loses consciousness, is subject to sudden mood swings,
- harms others and/or oneself,
- experiencing pain and nausea,
- experiences fears and nightmares.
In addition, if hysterics end with the child’s extreme fatigue or severe lethargy, then the parent should not ignore this and should consult with specialists (psychologists, neurologists, psychotherapists, etc.).
How to respond to your baby's tantrums?
So, how should you behave with a child who is in a state of hysterics? First of all, we need to understand what exactly we want to achieve: to stop the “shameful” behavior as quickly as possible (that is, to achieve an immediate effect), or is the long-term perspective important? Of course, the second one. Adults (parents and other loved ones) must teach the baby to understand his emotions, express them constructively, follow the rules, and cope with difficulties. This cannot be achieved by responding to a tantrum with punishment, ignoring, or simply distracting attention. Here are the basic rules, following which you can stop hysterics and maintain a trusting relationship with your baby:
- As soon as you notice that the child begins to cry, let him know that you hear him. You don’t need to immediately enter into dialogue with him, just turn in his direction.
- To make the baby feel that you accept his feelings and can share them with him, approach the child and get down to his level.
- Analyze the situation and tell your baby his emotion: “you’re angry,” “you’re very upset,” “you’re sad,” and so on. At this moment, most likely, the child will somehow respond to your words, he will begin to gradually become aware of his emotions. You can tell him about a situation when you yourself experienced a similar emotion.
Hysteria develops in waves: first, anger and rage arise sharply, then, having reached their peak, they are replaced by sadness and despair, after which the emotions gradually subside.
- Try to find out the reason why the child became hysterical. Maybe something didn’t work out for him, or he really wants to buy some kind of toy, or he didn’t expect anything and got scared. There can be many reasons. If the baby can talk, you can ask him about it directly. If the baby doesn’t speak yet, ask him to show him what he wants, and also show him the possible options yourself. The child will begin to interact with you and break out of the vicious circle of uncontrollable emotional reactions. It is very important not to evaluate or criticize what the baby tells or shows you, but simply listen to him carefully.
- When the child speaks out and you understand the reason for his worries, calmly tell him your position on this matter. The opinions and capabilities of adults do not always coincide with the requirements of children, so you should not be afraid to say “no” to the baby. Speak calmly and confidently, clearly justifying your position in a language that the child can understand.
- If your child receives a refusal, try to end on a positive note and redirect his attention to something interesting. With preschool children, you can dream together or make immediate plans.
Hysteria of children at different age periods
Some children may experience tantrums even at the age of nine months, but most often the onset of children's hysterics occurs when the child is one and a half years old. Due to his age, the baby is unable to control his emotions. His speech is not yet developed at the proper level in order to express and explain his thoughts, feelings, and desires.
At 2 years old, a child often resorts to tantrums to attract the attention of adults. In doing so, he uses:
- screams;
- lying and rolling on the floor (especially in crowded places);
- stubbornness.
This behavior is quite natural, since the emotional system of a child of this age has not yet matured.
We can observe especially vivid attacks of hysterics in three-year-olds. During this special, crisis period, hysterics are expressed in completely different ways, but they are united by strong stubbornness, negativism and strong self-will.
At this age, the child does not have the ability to compromise. The method of manipulation is mastered. If a three-year-old managed to manipulate his parents with hysteria once, then in the future he will actively use this tactic.
As the child grows up, his knowledge of the world around him expands, and he no longer feels the urgent need to resort to hysterics. By the age of four, communication skills are quite well developed, and the child increasingly chooses the “eco-friendly” - verbal way to tell the parent about his feelings and desires.
If hysterics continue after four years, this is a serious reason to reconsider the education system and seek help from specialists.
Preventing tantrums in children
To prevent tantrums, parents need to follow a number of principles:
- It is advisable that the child follows a daily routine and also has enough time to rest. For the development of the baby's nervous system, proper sleep, walks in the fresh air, and outdoor games are extremely important.
- Pay attention to the baby's emotional state. Talk to him about how he feels at a particular moment in time and why. Parents are the guides of children into the world of emotions.
- Teach your baby to express his emotions in a constructive way (for example, if the baby is angry, he can stamp his foot; if the child can speak, then it is best to try to express your demand in words).
- Keep calm. If a child watches his loved ones get angry, he will copy their behavior.
- Give your child the opportunity to choose and exercise independence. The desire to do something yourself is a natural need of a child who, as he grows up, separates from his parents.
- The baby should not have many prohibitions. In order for a child to understand the meaning of the word “impossible,” it should mean only the strictest prohibitions (for example, do not run out onto the road, do not stick your fingers into a socket). It is in your power to arrange your life in such a way that you have to forbid something to your baby as rarely as possible. If you still need to restrict your child in some way, be sure to explain to him the reason for your decision.
- Be consistent. Do not cancel your ban, even if the baby begs you, cries or screams. Sometimes it can be very difficult to resist negative reactions to a ban, but believe me, changing your mind will make things worse. Only the persistence of parents gives the child the opportunity to predict the consequences of his behavior.
Small children do not yet know how to cope with their experiences on their own, so do not leave your baby alone if something is bothering him. The child must be sure that you accept his feelings and emotions and want to help solve his problem.
When are tantrums good?
It’s hard to believe, but tantrums also have a positive component, both for the child and the parent:
- With the help of hysterics, including tears, the child gets rid of tension and stress.
- The release of suppressed emotions during a hysteria helps to normalize the emotional state and sleep.
- If a child shows you his feelings openly (through a tantrum), this indicates some kind of trust between you.
- Through hysterics, a child learns to probe the boundaries of what is permitted.
- After the hysteria ends (if the adult does not try to stop it), the child “reads” the parent’s unconditional acceptance and subsequently begins to feel more trust in him.
What should parents do?
How to calm a child during a tantrum
- Try to prevent the onset of hysteria. Especially if you already have experience with your child’s tantrum, you can “calculate” the risks and prevent its occurrence in advance.
- You should not try to stop a hysteria with severity, shouting or using physical violence. If your child does not harm himself or others during a tantrum, you can say that you are waiting until he calms down so you can talk. You should speak calmly, not loudly, but confidently.
- If you haven’t had time to understand what exactly led to the hysteria, try asking leading questions: “Are you scared?!”, “Are you hurt?!”, “Do you want...?!”
- Hug your child. He will feel safe, understand that he is not alone and that they will help him.
Treatment of hysterics
If all your efforts to prevent tantrums do not work and the child’s condition only worsens from time to time, you should seek help from specialists.
At the very beginning of your journey, it is better to consult a psychologist. If working with a psychologist does not bring results, then the psychologist himself can recommend other specialists, or you can make this decision yourself. A neurologist and psychotherapist, if indicated, can prescribe medication. But in the conditions of modern medicine, before starting treatment, try to consult with different specialists, listen to different points of view, and only after that make an informed decision regarding medications.
