The child often freaks out and is capricious

Author: Marfa Goncharova, magazine “My Little One and Me”; consultant: Yulia Andronnikova, pediatrician of the highest category, head of the pediatric department of the Center for Traditional Obstetrics and Family Medicine.

The child's expressed emotional state is a message of discomfort. Leaving these messages unattended means ignoring the baby's needs, which can be physical and psychological.

Inconsolable crying, screaming, stubbornness and irritation out of the blue - what so upsets parents and outrages strangers who have become unwitting witnesses to an unpleasant scene is usually called whims. In fact, if in an adult a completely unreasonable whim can be called a whim, then children's whims, as a rule, have a serious basis.

Yulia Andronnikova: “Children under one year old are not characterized by whims in their everyday understanding. If a child suddenly begins to behave in a way that is unusual for him, this is always a signal for the mother, a message of discomfort. No doctor can say for sure: if a child cries for ten minutes, this is normal, but if longer, then this is a sign of a disease. Mom's intuition should work here. After all, already in the first 2–3 months of life, being in close contact with the baby, the mother studies him so well that she knows perfectly well what is typical for her child and what goes beyond normal behavior.

If the child cries, the mother calms him down using familiar methods that suit him. Children love to be picked up, maintaining skin-to-skin contact, rocked to sleep, spoken to in a quiet, calm voice, and held to the chest. Some people stop worrying in a warm bath, while others are better off undressing for a while. The set of techniques may be different, but if the baby continues to cry despite the usual stress relief rituals, the mother should watch him more closely.”

Infectious diseases

Crying that is unusually long for a child or, conversely, lethargy or refusal to eat in children of any age is often the first sign of the development of an infectious disease. Whether this is true or not, it becomes obvious literally after a few hours: the temperature may begin to rise, a cough or runny nose may appear. For babies who cannot yet say or show what hurts, loud crying may be a sign of the onset of otitis media. If the ears hurt, there may be neither a fever nor other signs of a cold, it is the sharply changed behavior that will cause suspicion: the child is inappropriately capricious, shakes his head, sometimes screams sharply, begins to cry when changing the position of the head, refuses to eat because this provokes pain. In such a situation, you should definitely call a doctor.

What should parents do when their three-year-old child is naughty?

If your child torments you with his whims every day, and you feel that you are already on the edge, first of all, calm down yourself. Remember: a calm mother means a calm baby!

When the whims of a 3-year-old child bother you so much, instead of yelling and spanking the baby again, hug and hold him close to you. Sincerely sympathize with the baby, cheer him up with warm words, kiss him. You'll see: after such actions, the baby will quickly calm down, and you can calmly talk to him and discuss what happened.

Explain to your child more often that he will not achieve his desired goal with his capricious behavior. But he will lose time that he could spend on more pleasant and useful activities that he likes.

In minor details, give in to your child - you don’t always need to follow your own line. Listen to your baby more often, and you won’t have to rack your brains for long about how to overcome the whims of your three-year-old child.

Meteosensitivity

The peculiarity of the autonomic nervous system's response to changes in environmental conditions is called meteosensitivity. Training the baby’s nervous system and blood vessels will help cope with weather sensitivity. Thanks to hardening, the body's adaptive capabilities will increase, and the reaction to changing weather will become less violent or disappear altogether.

For kids, the best way to harden themselves is to walk in the fresh air in any weather. Not only changes in pressure, rain, thunderstorms, but also simply cloudy weather or a long absence of sun in the sky can affect the body. In newborn children, sudden changes in weather often cause anxiety. After a few months, for most, this weather dependence goes away, but in children with a weakened autonomic nervous system, it can continue to manifest itself and even intensify against the background of stressful conditions.

To avoid hysteria, warn in advance

There are many tears when a child is engrossed in a game, but adults need to interrupt this game for some reason. Either it’s time for dinner, or to go home, or to sleep. It can be difficult to stop the game instantly, and the “Warning” technique is suitable here.

It is better to warn the child in advance, give him time to finish, and help bring the plot of the game to its logical conclusion. In order for the pyramid to be assembled, the train had time to complete its route, all the fairies returned safely to their cribs, and the winner was determined in the robot duel.

After all, it can also be difficult for us, adults, to suddenly switch from one type of activity to another. It takes some time to pause the matter, bringing it to its logical point. Finish a chapter, finish a letter, finish watching a news story, finish cleaning. It is clear that if something emergency happens, we will drop everything and run. But it will be stressful.

For a child, a sudden switch to another activity is also stressful. He reacts to stress with tears. If nothing urgent has happened, I think it is possible to show respect for the child’s activities and help complete the task he is currently busy with.

This technique also works with older children. There was a period when I was very annoyed that I had to wait a long time for the children to come to the table, calling them several times. They usually came running after an ultimatum: “If you don’t come now, I won’t feed you!”

Once, while visiting my mother, I myself found myself in the role of such a child. Mom called me to the table, and it was very important for me to finish the chapter before the thought flew out. I was so carried away by the completion process that I only woke up to the question: “It’s almost cooled down. Should I warm it up? Or should I put it in the refrigerator already?” Since then, I began to agree with the children when (what time) we would have dinner, so that they would try to complete all their work by this time.

Chronic diseases

But what to do if the baby not only suddenly changed his behavior, but is constantly in a depressed state - he is lethargic, whines all the time and practically does not smile? Yulia Andronnikova: “The general well-being of a child is an important indicator of his health. A healthy baby may begin to be capricious in the evening when he is tired, but he should wake up in a good mood - this is a signal to his mother that everything is fine with him.

If your child is capricious every day and is in a bad mood all the time, and you have ruled out the presence of any infections, you should bring this to the attention of your pediatrician. Constant moodiness, pallor, lethargy, lack of a smile from birth, low weight gain and height are a set of symptoms characteristic of hormonal disorders. The earlier the diagnosis is made, the better, since with timely initiation of treatment, the disease can be compensated for and the life, health and intelligence of the child can be preserved. If such diseases are suspected, the pediatrician will refer the child to an endocrinologist.

Approximately the same symptoms may occur with anemia or kidney problems. Routine blood and urine tests will help clarify the situation, confirming or dispelling such concerns.”

Causes of whims in children

Reasons why the “whimsy” visits the child:

Overwork (this can be caused by a violation of the daily routine, a change of environment, an abundance of new impressions).
Malaise.
Someone else's bad mood (children are good at reading the emotional state of loved ones).

If these are whims, then it is useless to provide educational influences at this moment. You need to try to calm yourself, calm the child, feed him, put him to sleep - whatever the situation may be.

Overwork

If a child is capricious in the evening, mothers usually explain it this way: “I didn’t sleep well during the day” or “We went to class, he got too excited there, communicating with other children.” Perhaps it will be enough to put the daily routine in order and give the baby more opportunities for rest, sleep and walks. If the child himself is excitable, cannot sit still, control his emotions and at the same time gets very tired, pedagogical problems are superimposed on physical ones, since the parents literally cannot keep up with the baby. A competent neurologist will help normalize the regime and strengthen the nervous system, for example, using massage and hardening techniques. A psychologist will advise parents on the features of proper communication with their child.

The child is hysterical: what should I do?

Sashka was two and a half years old when he threw his first and, perhaps, most vivid hysteria. It happened at the IKEA store. Children's department. The assembled wooden railway is nailed, like an exhibit, to a vertical board. Sashka wants bright wooden trains.

I give him a box of trains, but Sashka wants the ones nailed down. I explain that they don’t come off. I let Sashka try to tear the nailed exhibit off the wall himself. Again I offer trains in a box. But Sashka wants the trains from the wall. He falls to the floor in hysterics.

I pick him up and put him in the cart, hoping that I can quickly wheel my screaming son to the checkout, pay for the selected item, and then switch my son’s attention from the hysteria to the ice cream. He, continuing to yell, bends over and tries to get out of the cart, throwing the trains in the box to the floor.

And at this moment a stranger woman begins to scream at me: “What kind of mother?!” The child is hysterical!” (Of course, otherwise I wouldn’t notice without her...) Holding Sasha in the cart, I taxi to the finish line. A strange woman is blocking my path. Apparently, so that I could listen to her tirade: “They give birth, but they don’t know how to educate!”

I analyze the situation. If I now enter into a debate with her, I will no longer be able to remain calm: the risk of emotional infection is too high. My psyche can’t stand two screaming people. As a result, I move away from the woman, abandoning the cart with the goods. Sashka bends over in my arms and kicks me.

I leave the store, sit down on the nearest bench, and take the child on my lap. With one hand, hugging, I fix Sashka’s arms, with the other hand I fix Sashka’s legs. And I begin to rock him quietly. Two minutes later Sashka fell asleep.

It was my mistake to go to the store with my child during nap time. If he had not been overworked, we would have been able to calmly come to an agreement with him. Those who are best at dealing with hysterics are those who simply do not provoke them. If I had been smart enough to drive around the toy department, Sashka would not have seen the train.

The “out of sight, out of mind” technique is very effective in preventing the hysteria-demand “I want what I can’t do.” We remove from the child’s eyes what he should not take. The smaller the child, the more strongly I recommend observing this rule. I remember how I took my two-year-old son from kindergarten along a longer route, but we did not encounter any provocateurs on the way: swings, candy stalls and a toy store.

Caprice as a message to parents

A whim is always a child’s message about discomfort, which he cannot express in an acceptable form. If a child is constantly capricious, and you have ruled out physical causes (diseases, fatigue), it is worth considering what state of mind he is in. Psychologists note that often a child’s inappropriate behavior is a reaction to intrafamily disharmony. The grandmother is dissatisfied with the way the young mother is raising the baby, she is constantly indignant and gives unsolicited advice. Or parents start quarreling every time the baby needs to be put to bed. Explicit or unspoken complaints and conflicts, a tense situation in the family, have the greatest impact on the child. In this case, his “whims” are the materialization of the discontent and irritation surrounding him. And the situation can be corrected only by improving family relationships.

Certain pedagogical violations in the family can also easily become a source of whims. If parents allow a child absolutely everything, and he simply does not understand the word “no,” any attempt at a ban leads him almost to hysterics. As a rule, parents are afraid of such a reaction and are ready to do anything to avoid its repetition, which means they continue to indulge the child. And this inevitably deepens discord in the family and makes its members even more irritable. The opposite situation can also involve the entire family in a vicious circle: they behave too strictly with the child and literally suppress all attempts at independent action and decision-making. The baby protests, the parents become even stricter with him. The same effect occurs if different family members adhere to diametrically opposed parenting styles - for example, the mother is very strict with the baby, and the father allows absolutely everything. All these situations are best discussed with a family psychologist.

How to deal with tantrums?

The first option that comes to mind is the most correct and most common - ignoring. However, as Dr. Komarovsky emphasizes, it is not the child himself who should be ignored, but his seizures. “The child does not throw tantrums in front of the TV, in front of the closet, or in front of the bathroom. He throws tantrums in front of the person who is sensitive to hysterics.” That is why the association “I’m not yelling – mom is nearby” should be formed in a child under 2 years of age. Evgeniy Olegovich gives the following algorithm of actions:

put the child in the playpen;
leave the room, making it clear that you can hear him;
stand and wait until the screams stop;
go into the room.

If the screams are repeated, start from the second point. This method will take a lot of effort and nerves, but the result is worth it.

You should not calm your child down at the peak of hysteria, much less try to find out what caused it. It is best to wait until it passes, and only then calmly ask the baby what happened and calm the child down. You also cannot react aggressively to a child’s hysterics, condemn him, or try to suppress the expression of emotions.

Photo source: shutterstock.com

The struggle for independence

Parents often mistake their child’s desire for independence for whims. From 8–9 months, the baby begins to “test the strength” of the adults around him. They give him a toy, he throws it on the floor and immediately demands it back. This can be repeated many times in a row. The child finds out the boundaries of what is permitted, and when communicating with mom, dad or grandmother, the boundaries may be different. At the same time, it is quite easy to distinguish between a cry of real need and a “test” one: while “checking”, the baby sometimes stops crying, looks around and listens to evaluate the effect produced. Such stops are a sign of a demand for attention. This does not mean that in this case it should be ignored; it is better to talk softly to the child, give reasonable arguments, explain your actions, including the necessary refusals or prohibitions. Such verbal contact, if established at birth, makes it easier to distinguish what exactly caused unusual behavior and to cope with the situation.

At the age of 2–3 years, the time comes when the child literally answers everything: “I myself!” Moreover, if attempts to do something on your own are not very successful (spilled, knocked, broke, fell), the best strategy would be not to scold the child, but to note his achievements and offer to bring the matter to the end together. Often, the mere fact of recognizing a child’s independent attempts to do something is enough to live in harmony and reduce “whims” to a minimum.

Stubborn facts

Even if the baby, in principle, likes to cry, certain conditions should alert parents. These are so-called emergency conditions.
A loud, pronounced cry of a child for two or more hours, in which no conventional methods of calming help, is a signal to call a doctor. With problems such as intussusception (volvulus) or appendicitis, a young child may have no other obvious external signs other than intense, continuous crying. Only a doctor can diagnose the problem. It cannot be said that these cases are frequent. If a mother is breastfeeding her baby and is well acquainted with the principles of introducing complementary foods, then intestinal volvulus, which is caused by a sudden transition to unfamiliar food in large quantities and at too early an age, does not threaten her child. Appendicitis in children is also rare, but since the exact causes of this emergency condition are still unclear, it cannot be discounted.

Helpful Tips:

Any internal experiences of a child (entry to kindergarten or school, troubles in the family) can lead to stress. There is no need to try to protect your child from difficult situations, but teach him to overcome difficulties. The baby will endure stress much easier if he knows that at home he will always be understood and supported, that for mom and dad he is the best in the world.

Your love and attention are the best “medicines” for stress. Talk to your child, give him the opportunity to talk, find out the reasons for his worries. Play with him, draw, involve him in sports, but try to protect him from unbearable loads.

The article was published in the magazine “My Baby and I” (2014) and posted on the website krokha.ru.

The whims and stubbornness of children 3-4 years old. How to deal with them?

Before we begin to consider the topic “Whims, stubbornness and ways to overcome them,” it is necessary to determine the area of this topic, i.e. put it within a certain framework. Whims and stubbornness are seen as components of deviant behavior, along with: Disobedience, expressed in disobedience and mischief Childhood negativism, i.e. not accepting something without specific reasons. Self-will Indiscipline All of the above forms of deviant behavior differ only in the degree of social danger, and also depend on the age and individual characteristics of the child’s personality. The concepts of “whims and stubbornness” are very related and it is impossible to draw a clear boundary between them. And the ways to overcome whims and stubbornness are the same, but more on that later.

STABILITY is a psychological state very close to negativism. This is a negative feature of human behavior, expressed in unreasonable and irrational opposition to the requests, advice, and demands of other people. A type of persistent disobedience for which there is no apparent motive.

Manifestations of stubbornness: The desire to continue an action started even in cases where it is clear that it is pointless and does not bring any benefit. Acts as a psychological defense and is selective in nature, i.e. the child realized that he made a mistake, but does not want to admit it, and therefore “stands his ground.” Stubbornness can become a personality trait if steps are not taken to overcome it. Over time, it gives rise to children's deceit and can lead to nervous system disorders, neuroses, and irritability. If such manifestations, even in preschool age, turn from reactive states into chronic ones, then the initial stage of pedagogical neglect occurs. We won’t talk much about whims, because... all information largely overlaps with the above.

WAIMS are actions that lack a reasonable basis, i.e. “That’s what I want and that’s it!!!” They are caused by the child’s weakness and, to a certain extent, also act as a form of self-defense.

Manifestations of whims: The desire to continue the action started, even in cases where it is clear that it is pointless, does not bring benefit. In dissatisfaction, irritability, crying. In motor overexcitation. The development of whims is facilitated by an immature nervous system.

What parents need to know about children's stubbornness and capriciousness: The period of stubbornness and capriciousness begins at about 18 months. As a rule, this phase ends by 3.5-4 years. Occasional bouts of stubbornness in older age are also quite normal. The peak of stubbornness occurs at 2.5-3 years of age. Boys are more stubborn than girls. Girls are capricious more often than boys. During a crisis period, attacks of stubbornness and capriciousness occur in children 5 times a day. For some children - up to 19 times! If children, upon reaching 4 years of age, still often continue to be stubborn and capricious, then most likely we are talking about “fixed stubbornness”, hysteria, as convenient ways for a child to manipulate their parents. Most often, this is the result of the conciliatory behavior of parents who succumbed to pressure from the child, often for the sake of their peace of mind.

What parents can do to overcome stubbornness and capriciousness in children:

Don't give too much importance to stubbornness and capriciousness.
Take note of the attack, but don't worry too much about your child.
During an attack, stay close to him and let him feel that you understand him.
Do not try to instill anything in your child at this time - it is useless.
Swearing makes no sense, spanking excites him even more.
Be persistent in your behavior with your child; if you say “no,” remain with this opinion.
Don’t give up even when your child has a seizure in a public place. Most often, the only thing that helps is to take him by the hand and lead him away.
Hysteria and capriciousness require an audience, do not resort to the help of strangers: “Look at what a bad girl, ay-ay-ay!” This is all the child needs. Try to cheat: “Oh, what an interesting toy (book, little thing) I have!” Such distracting maneuvers will interest the capricious person and he will calm down.
Eliminate from your arsenal rude tone, harshness, and the desire to “break with the power of authority.” Calm tone of communication, without irritability.
Concessions take place if they are pedagogically appropriate and justified by the logic of the educational process.

The following points are very important in preventing and combating stubbornness and whims. We will talk about the humanization of relations between parents and children, namely, in what cases a child should not be punished and scolded, when it is possible and necessary to praise:

1. YOU CANNOT PRAISE FOR WHAT: Achieved not through your own labor. Not subject to praise (beauty, strength, dexterity, intelligence). Out of pity or a desire to please.

2. We must praise: For an action, for an action accomplished. Always start cooperating with a child with praise and approval. It is very important to praise your child in the morning, as early as possible and at night too. Be able to praise without praising (example: ask for help, advice, like an adult). It is necessary to dwell on punishments in more detail.

1. You cannot punish or scold when: The child is sick, unwell, or has recovered from an illness because At this time, the child’s psyche is vulnerable and the reaction is unpredictable. When a child eats, immediately after sleep and before bedtime. In all cases when something doesn’t work out (example: when you are in a hurry, and the child cannot tie his shoelaces) After physical or mental trauma (example: a child falls, you scold him for it, believing that he is to blame) When the child fails with fear, inattention, mobility, etc., but tried very hard. When the internal motives of his action are not clear to you. When you're not yourself.

7 rules of punishment: Punishment should not harm health. If there are doubts, then it is better not to punish (example: you are not sure that it was your child who committed the offense, or you doubt that the action committed is generally worthy of punishment, i.e. you cannot punish “just in case.”

For 1 offense - one punishment (you cannot remember old sins). It is better not to punish than to punish late. We must punish and soon forgive. If the child believes that you are unfair, there will be no effect, so it is important to explain to the child why and why he is being punished. A child should not be afraid of punishment.

Of course, it is very difficult to use all the rules and necessary conditions in your family upbringing, but probably each parent will choose the missing part from all of the above, thereby complementing the already developed education strategy in your family.

How to respond to the crisis?

The first thing to do is to realize that the 3-year crisis is inevitable, everyone goes through it. This is the human biological program. You cannot force your baby to do without this complex restructuring. But you shouldn’t distance yourself from your child during this difficult period either - loving parents should set new boundaries for him and help him gain independence. It is important that relatives do not contradict each other and act as a “united front”, together looking for the optimal approach to the little rebel.

The brighter the child’s crisis at 3 years old, the easier his adolescence will pass.

Often parents begin to go to extremes: allowing everything just to avoid children’s tantrums, or, conversely, keeping a tight rein on the baby so as not to spoil them. Try to find a middle ground and show your son or daughter that there are several ways out of every situation. Let him know that he can ask, insist, look for a compromise, and sometimes accept a categorical refusal. All these tools will be useful for your child to resolve conflicts in adulthood.

Allow your child to make many decisions on his own - of course, if they are not related to his health or safety. A three-year-old child may well choose porridge for breakfast or an outfit for going to a matinee. Try to find compromises: for example, if your child insists on ice cream instead of soup, promise him the desired dessert after the meal - and keep your word!

Here are great ways to help your child get through a crisis easier:

Avoid a commanding tone, which in itself causes opposition. So, instead of “Now we will draw!” It’s worth asking: “Which pencil will you choose?”;
Try not to make comments to the child directly, but to indicate general rules. For example, say: “You can’t hit babies”, “They don’t hurt cats”, “People don’t bite”;
Give your child more freedom - let him decide when it’s time to leave the playground, where to go for a walk and what hat to wear when going outside. It will be great if the baby has his own space, be it a separate room or a secret corner in the kitchen;
Bring your child's negativity to the point of absurdity - beg him not to wear pajamas, not to eat porridge, and to break all his toys as soon as possible. Having realized the comical nature of the situation, the baby will stop insisting on his own;
Don’t try to “over-stubborn” your three-year-old by organizing competitions in the spirit of “No, it will be as I said!” They only spoil the mood and take away mental strength;
Show your child your love as often as possible. Encourage and praise him when he deserves it;
You should not be capricious, offended or try to shift responsibility onto the baby (“Well, what should I do with you, tell me?”). This knocks the ground out from under the child’s feet and prevents him from finding his boundaries;
Talk to parents whose children have recently gone through a crisis. Their experience can be very useful;
Be more attentive to your child's needs. Very often, hysterics and scandals have trivial reasons - the baby is overexcited, tired, hungry or cold;
Help your son or daughter relieve stress. Active games, comic wrestling, massage, and joint dancing are perfect for this.

Recommendations for parents

Give the baby more independence. Freedom of movement, helping parents with simple things - allow this to children, this is how they explore the world.
Provide a safe environment for exploration and movement, so that a curious baby does not reach into the outlet or into the toilet.
Avoid permissiveness. The child does not yet know the boundaries and rules of the real world. It is important to stop it in time, but not too abruptly. There is no need to bribe your baby with toys and sweets: this way he will quickly learn to manipulate. It is possible to prohibit doing something, but this must be justified, and not pressured by authority.
Do not be rude or aggressive with your child. Constantly pulling your child down, even for harmless reasons, is not only useless, but also harmful to his psyche.
Monitor your own behavior. Children copy a lot from their parents, whether they want it or not.
Distract a naughty child. This could be a toy or a shared activity.