It is natural for people to live in society; they all want to feel the love and care of loved ones and respect from other people. But not all relationships bring benefits to a person; various addictions and toxic connections do not have the most positive effect on the psyche.
In most cases, traumatic relationships are continued by those who are afraid of loneliness. They are ready to value any people and any relationships. But such people can be helped, or rather, they can help themselves and get rid of the fear of loneliness in a few simple steps. Below are ways to get rid of the fear of loneliness.
Remove negative attitudes
The fear of loneliness appears in childhood, or from negative adult experiences. When a child does not have the best relationship with his parents, he inevitably develops unwanted attitudes that affect his life. They appear because parents try to manipulate their child through their relationship, most often for educational purposes.
For example, when a child receives emotional coldness from a parent for a bad grade. Children do not think in perspective, so they perceive such behavior as eternal alienation. After this, he will try to return everything as it was, since the emotional connection with his parents is very important for him, and in the future he will be afraid of such alienation, afraid of loneliness.
Who takes a breakup harder?
Breaking up a relationship with a loved one is always a difficult experience. Especially if it was not you who initiated it... In such a situation, you want to quickly get rid of depressing experiences, forget about lost love and start living again.
What do you think a woman will do for this? That's right: she will invite all her friends to visit, spend the evening talking about treacherous men and the vicissitudes of fate, hear words of support addressed to her and receive a charge of optimism. Having made sure that “she is the best and everything will be fine,” a woman will be able to cope with the breakup more easily and prepare for a new relationship.
For a man who finds himself in a similar situation, events develop according to a different, more complex scenario. He will not show his emotions to others, because, in his opinion, this is a sign of weakness. In the best case scenario, the man will casually mention the breakup with his lover and go to a bar with friends to “celebrate” his newfound freedom. But indifference is only an appearance: deep down, our hero will suffer greatly and have a hard time withstanding the breakup. In addition to internal experiences, men also have an acute social assessment of what is happening: for him, it is humiliating to be abandoned by a woman, and this is a serious blow to self-esteem. He tries to get rid of this problem as quickly as possible, suppressing his feelings and resentment, but in doing so he only prolongs the process and turns it into so-called “chronic grief.” This can lead to a man starting to drink a lot, becoming a womanizer and a misogynist, or, on the contrary, idealizing his ex-lover and remaining faithful to her, thus trying to protect himself from new relationships.
What makes men feel so acutely about a breakup is in many ways too serious claims on themselves sexually. Each representative of the stronger half of humanity has his own list of fears related to the sexual sphere, which are actualized first of all if a woman leaves him. There is a firmly established stereotype in the male mind: no one can leave a good lover. And if this does happen, he will immediately consider himself sexually incompetent. It doesn’t even occur to a man that a woman could have completely different reasons for breaking up - for example, she was not satisfied with his passive life position, addiction to alcohol or infidelity.
I recently read a story on the forum. A man was talking about his breakup with a woman who left him for someone else. However, he mentioned this only in passing: most of the narrative was a very emotional description of the opponent’s shortcomings and his own advantages. This example clearly illustrates another male fear associated with breaking up a relationship - losing to another man, another male. Competitiveness is inherent in the stronger sex; they need to constantly prove their superiority over their rivals in order to maintain a positive image of themselves.
In this situation, a man is upset not so much by the fact of a broken relationship, but by wounded pride and lowered self-esteem. He will not blame himself for not keeping his beloved, but he will condemn his excessive gullibility: he did not notice obvious signs of betrayal, which means he did not have time to leave the deceiver first.
How to recover from such attitudes?
- You need to mentally return to the situation in childhood that caused moral trauma, but as an adult. Then, in your imagination, you need to provide the child with everything that he was deprived of in reality. Similar sessions should be carried out until the injury disappears.
- You shouldn't focus on your injuries and their causes, you need to become a good parent for yourself. That is, to provide an adult with everything that a child did not receive at one time.
- Forgive all those who cause trauma.
- Try to create positive attitudes for yourself.
These few steps allow you to heal mental traumas formed in childhood and get rid of the fear of loneliness. In some cases, it takes time, but if this does not work at all, then it is better to visit a psychologist who will give more specific advice and help get rid of the fear of loneliness.
Fear of loneliness in women
Fear of loneliness affects the emotional state of women. The fear of being alone is not only sometimes upsetting, but also affects the personal life of the fairer sex. As a result, many decide to take rash actions. Namely:
- They marry someone they don’t love or have children “before it’s too late.”
- They save the family when there is nothing left to save.
- They live with scoundrels, gigolos, alcoholics, so as not to be left alone.
- They meet the first person who pays attention.
- They build their lives around a person.
In principle, this list can go on and on, but here it is important to understand why the fear of loneliness arises and what to do about it.
Solitude should be pleasant
Many people perceive loneliness in a negative way, as if it is not natural and normal people cannot be alone. But loneliness is not so bad, to understand this, you need to take the next step.
You need to make being in your own company enjoyable. For example, invite yourself to a cafe or restaurant, dress appropriately, sit at a table and have a great time. It doesn’t have to be a cafe or restaurant - any establishment, an outing into nature, or an evening with a book. The main thing is that in the end the person is satisfied with how he spent his time. Just doing what you love and having minimal contact with the world is the whole secret.
Knight's move
Ammentorp Photography
As cliche as it may sound, you will have to practice communication. It is unlikely that you will be able to immediately approach a beautiful girl and start talking, so you need to start with less. It's ideal if you start from a situation where you have nothing to lose. For example, you try to talk to a stranger on the street. Will not work? Who cares, you'll never see him again. Where to start the conversation? There are many articles on this topic on Lifehacker. For example, this one is about ways to improve your speaking skills.
The more you practice communication, the faster the shyness and tightness that interfere with communication with other people will go away. If you encounter aggression or misunderstanding, and you probably will, then do not take everything to heart. There can be dozens of reasons why a person is aggressive or negative towards you, and many of them have nothing to do with you. Bad day, too much work, relationship problems - these are just the most popular ones.
Loneliness is only bad if it causes discomfort. If so, then following the tips above should help you. If you like to be alone and enjoy your company, there is no need to change anything. Everyone's need for communication is different, and you probably know better than others how to find comfort and what is best for you.
Are you sad and lonely? Call on the phone So it's time to change something.
We need to get rid of high expectations
It’s a secret for many, but, in fact, a person is alone throughout his life; no one can live in his heart or head. He will experience all his emotions, all the joy and pain alone, while others can only rejoice or sympathize for him. Relationships between people are nothing more than an exchange of energy; they cannot relieve real loneliness.
Therefore, you should not expect from the people around you that they will be able to fill the emptiness in your soul, since this soul does not belong to them. Inflated expectations prevent you from seeing the real purpose of relationships - to make life brighter and richer. If you realize this and stop assigning tasks that are beyond their ability to others, then soon healthy relationships will appear between the person and the people around him.
Getting rid of the fear of loneliness is necessary to establish normal social relationships; by doing this, a person will move through life more confidently and without unnecessary worries.
Do you feel lonely? Contact our psychologists!
How to cope when you are afraid of being alone
I recently counseled a twenty-nine year old man who had never been in a relationship. And he was the only person in his circle not involved in a relationship. The guy said that he had a fear of being alone, and he wanted to fix it. It honestly surprises me that many people feel anxious about loneliness when they see their family and friends starting families and building long-term relationships. It seems to them that if they don’t start changing their lives now and don’t find a partner, then it will be too late. Like they're going to die or something. They need relationships because they feel like the black sheep in their environment. This is definitely not the right way of thinking.
Causes of fear of loneliness
I noticed that the fear of being alone and the need for relationships has its roots. If you ask people why they get into relationships, you will get answers that I personally find vague. For example, such as: “every person needs love.” “It’s bad for a person to be alone.” “We want to be valued and respected,” and other similar answers. It is important for me to find logic in everything. There are undoubtedly many people who do not want and cannot be alone. Living alone means you don't have a wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, roommate or anyone living with you. Pets don't count here. Yes, there are many people who need sexual connection with a partner. There are people who lack emotions and cannot live alone. There are those who quickly become depressed; they cannot spend even a couple of hours without talking to someone. All this is the reason for the fear of loneliness.
Fear of being alone is not a problem
For a single person like me, being constantly alone is not a problem. While most of my friends are focused on building a family life, I focus on other things that are more important to me. For example, I help people deal with their psychological problems and write useful articles for you. I enjoy reading, watching educational videos, and spending time in deep thought. I still keep in touch and communicate with my friends and acquaintances, even if they are already married. You can ask me if I'm worried that people might think I'm a strange person. Not at all. You see, a person should not evaluate his life based on other people's opinions. He has his own opinion, his own goals, plans and dreams.
