Feeling fear is a normal human condition. But when fear becomes pathological, constantly haunts and interferes with normal life, doctors talk about the development of a phobia. You can even be afraid of loneliness, and this problem, unfortunately, is increasingly common in the modern world.
Why is there a fear of loneliness? How do you know if you are susceptible to this condition? And most importantly, how to deal with it? Clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Nikolai Chadayev these questions to the FAN .
Photo from the personal archive of Nikolai Chadayev /
What is the fear of loneliness called?
In medicine, this condition is considered a mental disorder and is defined by the term autophobia. If translated literally, the term is interpreted as “fear of oneself.” In fact, a person is afraid, of course, not of himself, but of being left alone with himself. Loneliness gives him severe discomfort and causes anxiety.
“The causes of autophobia lie in childhood,” comments clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Nikolai Chadayev. “It occurs against the background of psychological trauma, most often more than one. It appears in people whose parents left them alone for a long time or abandoned them in childhood. And already in adulthood, a person’s trigger goes off when he finds himself in a similar situation. For example, someone close to you leaves, and this reminds you of the past, the stress you experienced. As a result, fear “turns on.”
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Child's fear
Often similar problems occur in children. A number of factors can influence the formation of such fears. Sometimes the reason for this is that parents leave the baby unattended in a large apartment too early.
Causes
Let's look at why children may develop a fear of being alone indoors.
- Consequences of parental intimidation. A mother may not notice how, forcing her child to eat or go to bed on time, she scares him with the fact that Baba Yaga, Babayka or a gray wolf may come. A child's psyche can literally relate to these creatures. Accordingly, when left alone at home, the little one is afraid to meet monsters.
- The baby may be very worried about his parents who are not at home, because he does not know if everything is okay with him.
- Watching serious programs, programs with violence, horror films can harm the psyche of a toddler, which will lead to the formation of fear.
If your baby begins to have similar problems, then it is very important to promptly identify the cause of what is happening. This can be done non-verbally, for example, by offering to draw or sculpt something that scares him. When the child is already more or less an adult, you can try to simply talk to him. And finally, you can contact a psychologist who will not only figure out the cause, but also help rid the little one of his fear.
How to help
You need to keep your child busy with something important
If a child is afraid to be left alone at home, what to do becomes the main question for his parents.
- When you leave home, be sure to tell your baby why and where you are going. It is also important to indicate what time you will return and under no circumstances be late. If you see that you cannot return on time, be sure to call your child and warn him about the delay.
- If you leave your toddler alone, then provide him with access to toys or interesting books.
- There is no need to tell strangers about your child’s fears, especially in his presence.
- When you return home, please your child with some kind of treat or small surprise, a reward for his patience.
- Eliminate any possibility of viewing scenes of violence or serious programs.
- Do not allow quarrels in front of the baby. They can also negatively affect the child's psyche.
- When the little one opens up and explains the reason for his worries, do not make fun of him, but help him cope with his fear.
- If you are unable to rid your toddler of fear on your own, then seek help from a psychologist.
Now you know the answer to the question of how to stop being afraid of being alone at home. There is nothing reprehensible in this fear, however, a person must adapt to any situation and be able to not depend on anyone. The main thing is to identify the cause and start fighting it.
At-risk groups
According to the specialist, people of any age who have previously suffered psychological trauma or serious stress are susceptible to fear of loneliness. But most often women are susceptible to it due to mental characteristics and genetic factors. Deep in the subconscious of every woman is the need to create a family and have children. This need is formed evolutionarily. And even if a woman denies it, deep down she may feel dissatisfied with her life and worry that sooner or later she will be completely alone. If the search for a life partner does not work out or a situation arises when the spouse leaves for another woman, autophobia may appear against the background of previously experienced stress.
Another risk group is older people, whose social circle is usually limited due to age or health status. And if children or loved ones pay less attention to the elderly than they would like, this can also trigger the onset of a phobia. Especially older people are afraid of being left without communication and moral support. They are afraid of not getting medical help at a difficult moment, and this all leaves a serious imprint on their psycho-emotional state.
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Symptoms of autophobia
“The main symptom is an uncomfortable state when a person is alone,” comments Nikolai Chadayev. - He may experience restlessness, anxiety, and headaches. As a rule, people try to fill the vacuum that has formed around them with some kind of activity. But it doesn’t save, and the feeling of deep loneliness does not go away.”
Typically, these symptoms are sufficient to diagnose a mental disorder. There are also tests for autophobia, but there is no need to resort to them if a person feels these emotions while alone.
Signs of the development of the disease in loved ones will be the characteristics of their behavior. If, while seeing you off, a relative or friend asks you to sit a little longer, stay “a little longer,” asks when you will come next time, or complains that you are paying too little attention, there is every reason to suspect the development of autophobia.
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Should you fight your fear of loneliness?
Any psychological discomfort can “transform” into a more serious mental disorder over time. And therefore, of course, it is necessary to fight the problem. In relation to autophobia, this is due to a number of reasons.
Firstly, a feeling of constant anxiety and loneliness can lead to depression, and against its background, suicidal tendencies often develop. Secondly, scientists have established a direct relationship between phobia and the development of neurodermatitis - chronic inflammation of the skin, which becomes not only an aesthetic problem, but also causes physical discomfort.
And finally, autophobia in a person destroys both his own life, makes it “purposeless”, deprives him of joy, and the life of loved ones, towards whom discontent and claims of inattention and indifference will constantly pour in.
Three Factors of Loneliness
Feelings of loneliness are determined by a combination of three factors. The first is the level of vulnerability to social isolation. Every person has a common genetic need for social inclusion, and your personal level of this need will be different from that of any other person. If the need for connection is high, it may be difficult to meet it.
The second factor in feelings of loneliness is the ability to self-regulate emotions associated with feelings of isolation (not only externally, but also deep within oneself). Every person experiences suffering when their need for companionship is not met, and if loneliness continues for some time, it can become a source of chronic distress. How well you deal with these feelings affects the amount of mental pain you experience. If you're chronically upset, it makes it impossible for you to accurately judge other people's intentions—you may begin to perceive them as rejecting you when in fact they are not.
Learning to accept and effectively cope with feelings of abandonment, manage feelings without judging yourself or others, and find ways to solve problems will help reduce the damage that loneliness can cause.
The third factor is mental representations and expectations, as well as reasoning about others. Feeling lonely doesn't mean your social skills are underdeveloped, but it does impair your ability to use them. People who feel lonely often feel like they are doing everything they can to form a connection and find a sense of belonging, but simply no one reciprocates. Naturally, such feelings turn into huge disappointment, which after a while begins to affect a person’s mood and behavior when he is around others. Chronic loneliness can manifest itself in anger or resentment, which often leads to further withdrawal from others. Sometimes single people struggle because they feel inadequate or unworthy. Feeling ashamed of who you are will also make it difficult to connect with others.
People who have been single for a long time may also experience fear. Fear of rejection from others leads to the fact that a person strives to step aside and not share his true essence with anyone - naturally, such behavior does not contribute to establishing contacts and only aggravates loneliness, introducing a person into a vicious circle. The body language of such people may reflect the insecurity and distress they are experiencing, although they may not be aware of it. Just when they seem to be able to form a bond, their manner of communicating with others may inadvertently convey nothing more than a message to “stay away,” which naturally alienates those around them.
When people become emotionally disturbed, they lose a sense of security, may see danger everywhere, and are less likely to acknowledge someone else's point of view. It is important to remember that the vast majority of people feel lonely from time to time. Many single people believe that they are unique in their situation and that it is not normal to feel this way. However, temporary loneliness is a part of life because humans are social creatures and overwhelmingly consider love, intimacy and social connections to be far more important factors in happiness than wealth, success or reputation.
Loneliness is a deep, destructive pain that can become chronic and cannot be overcome by simply going outside and talking to someone you know.
Just as physical pain protects people from physical dangers, loneliness can serve as a social pain that protects people from the dangers of isolation—it can motivate behavioral changes and greater emphasis on the relationships that are essential to survival. The emotional area of the brain that is activated when a person experiences social rejection is the same area of the brain that registers emotional reactions to physical pain.
Treatment of autophobia
Fear of death and loneliness is treatable. There are various techniques that can bring relief to a person.
- Auto-trainings . Self-hypnosis techniques help improve well-being, gain self-confidence, and reduce the manifestations of fear. However, it is impossible to cure autophobia with auto-training alone.
- Psychotherapy . To treat the fear of loneliness, psychotherapeutic techniques are used, working with a psychotherapist in groups or individually. According to existing statistics, psychotherapy helps a person recover from autophobia, but recovery takes time. On average, psychotherapeutic treatment should last for two to three years.
- Taking antidepressants . Medicines are used as an aid in the treatment of mental disorders and should only be prescribed by a doctor. It is important to understand that they alone cannot cure the disease and will not help get rid of the cause of the disorder. The doctor can recommend them to improve the patient’s psycho-emotional background, normalize his reactions, and well-being. But they should only be used in combination with psychotherapy.
“With severe autophobia, thoughts of suicide, and deep depression, a person needs to see a psychotherapist,” notes clinical psychologist Nikolai Chadayev. — My original method helps to cope with a phobia much faster than traditional psychotherapeutic methods. An improvement in the condition is noted already in the fourth or fifth session.”
With a mild degree of disorder, a person can help himself. It is important to expand your social circle, find new acquaintances and hobbies. A person should have a hobby, thanks to which he can communicate with other people. This could be dancing, singing, handicrafts, drawing, interest clubs. Then the feeling of loneliness will arise much less often.
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You can help your loved ones in the same way: find something you like that will distract you from sad thoughts. And Nikolai Chadayev believes that the only way to prevent the fear of loneliness is the care of parents for their children. Since the cause of the disease is stress experienced in childhood, it is important for parents to pay as much attention to their children as possible, love them, communicate, try not to leave them alone and, of course, never abandon them. Strong parental love in childhood serves as the best protection against many psychological problems in adulthood, including autophobia.
Help from a psychologist
If you are not yet ready to go to psychological consultation, but feel that your own strength is not enough to overcome fear, listen to the advice of professional psychologists, they will definitely help you:
- Accept the attitude that being alone is a variant of the norm. Some are in a couple, some are alone, both are normal. In order to be a full-fledged person, it is not necessary to communicate with others 24/7.
- Learn to manage your thoughts and change them at will, without getting stuck in negativity. Mindfulness practices will help you with this.
- Be sure to lead a healthy lifestyle. In a healthy body healthy mind. Exercise, healthy eating, sleep patterns, enough clean water. Here is the minimum set in order to feel better in a couple of months.
- Get a pet.
- Don't be afraid to go out. Going to a restaurant, theater, or cinema without company is normal.
- Meet and find friends via the Internet. There are no interests for which you cannot find friends online. And if you live in a small town where no one shares your exotic hobby, then, believe me, on the Internet, you will find many groups of people with whom you will have something to talk about.
Important If, despite all your efforts, your worries do not go away, and the fear of loneliness grows and you begin to notice somatic manifestations - panic attacks, tremors, palpitations, etc. — do not put off visiting a psychotherapist. Remember - phobias, without timely treatment, tend to grow.
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