Unrequited love: causes and ways to get rid of it

Getting rid of one-sided attachment is considered one of the most difficult problems in psychotherapy. Experts agree that unrequited love is a serious psychological trauma for the individual, which can develop into severe depression, persistent neurosis, or a suicide attempt. Why does this form of relationship have such a destructive effect on the mental and physical health of an individual?

First of all, because the indifference of another person calls into question our sexual attractiveness, self-esteem and mental worth. As a result, we begin to regard ourselves as inferior beings, unworthy of the sympathy of those we like. If this delusion is not eliminated in time, it easily develops into absolute confidence, leaving a negative imprint on a person’s worldview and coloring the reality around him in gloomy tones of hopelessness and despair. Our article will help you avoid such an outcome. From it you will learn about the reasons, signs and effective methods of dealing with one-sided love.

Is there such love in the world? Types of love

If we are talking about feelings, then we should discard all rationality. There are no and cannot be unambiguous answers, a clear division into black and white. It cannot be said that one feeling is false and the other is true - logic does not work here. It also cannot be said that a mutual feeling is love, and a non-mutual feeling is not. Sometimes it seems to people that everything is fine, the relationship is wonderful, but in fact this feeling turns out to be not mutual love. If we consider love through the prism of reciprocity, then it can be conditionally divided into mutual and non-reciprocal. In one case, the object responds to the feeling of the other, and in the second does not experience sympathy or reciprocal attraction.

Characteristics and features of unrequited love

Love without reciprocity can't help but upset. It devastates from the inside, suppresses the best desires, and contributes to the formation of suspicion. A distrustful attitude towards life, self-doubt and apathy appear. In some cases, you even have to resort to the help of a psychologist. Specialists regularly work with those who are confused, confused, and have lost their main life guidelines. Getting rid of unhappy love is not so easy. You have to make incredible efforts to cope with despair and hopelessness. It’s good if the person is fully aware of what is happening. Then there is a good chance to be rehabilitated.

READ Why people fall in love: reasons for the emergence of tender feelings for a certain person

What is unreciprocated love?

A feeling can be called unrequited when another person feels nothing towards you except indifference or ordinary sympathy, treats you like a friend. It doesn’t matter how often people spend time together, whether they are with friends, whether they live nearby or in different cities, whether they are married or not. If a person loves, then he is capable of much, distances and obstacles on the way can be overcome, if there is a desire, that is, a feeling, so either it is there or it is not.

Non-reciprocal love happens at any age, regardless of status, worldview, and so on. But still more often this happens at a young age. Teenagers often don’t know what they want, they are vulnerable and their mental state is extremely unstable. Probably many people had such love in their youth.

What to do if the object of desire is not paying attention

If, nevertheless, you are sure that your feelings are unrequited, but very important to you, then try to arouse the interest of your chosen one. Naturally, you shouldn’t immediately run to the guy and make him happy with your confession. He may well not be ready for such pressure. Moreover, it would not hurt to find out whether he is in a relationship at the moment and how strong this connection is.

You can hint about your sympathy in several ways:

use feminine tricks - catching your eye “by chance” more often, smiling friendly, starting conversations or asking for a little help;
spend more time in the same company, arouse interest with your cheerful and easy-going character, show that you are pleased with the presence of your chosen one;
You can also show your passion and interest using social networks by viewing his pages and leaving bright comments.

If a man is unrequitedly in love, it’s a little easier for him. After all, this fact will only spur his hunting instincts, forcing him to seek the love of the girl he likes. This is probably why the concept of “unrequited love” is not so popular among men. And those guys who suffer from unrequited feelings, in practice, turn out to be infantile objects who do not take a single step towards their dreams.

Non-reciprocal love - how to deal with it?

Everyone has their own story; for some, an unrequited feeling is an inspiration, especially for those who are creative. History knows a lot of examples when creative individuals, out of mental anguish for the object of their passion, created talented works and masterpieces of world art.

This feeling is inspiring; sometimes people radically change their lives in order to be worthy of their beloved and, as a result, they grow above themselves. However, there are other examples with the opposite psychological effect. There are quite a few situations where unrequited love pushed a person onto the path of self-torture or even taking his own life. Psychologists are confident that mature individuals can draw basic conclusions from a situation and no longer make mistakes.

Girls who once fell in love like this have a large reserve of feelings, so when they meet the right person they can give him their love and receive the same from the man in return. If a person is optimistic, then even in unhappy love he will be able to see many advantages. For example, they will not stop loving him, they will not leave him for the sake of another person, his feelings will not be destroyed by everyday life.

Why do unrequited feelings arise?

Unrequited love is a tendency that develops in closed people. They are not confident in their strengths and capabilities.

There are several categories of those who are susceptible to one-sided feelings:

These are people who have failed in one of their relationships. Failure caused them to withdraw into themselves and become stuck in a painful memory. They return to it again and again, and cannot cope with the negative feelings and emotions caused. Feeling unrequited is one of the symptoms of painful memories of the past.
People with limited, low self-esteem and self-esteem. They lack self-esteem and do not realize the full value of their own lives, despite the fact that they are loved and appreciated by their loved ones.
Those who have withdrawn into themselves due to fear of real life. Such people believe that the world around them is full of real and emotional dangers. One of these dangers is relationships with the opposite sex. Therefore, all the feelings that arise in such people are experienced by them and never go beyond the boundaries of their inner world.
Unrequited love often occurs in those who were not instilled with a model of a happy family in childhood. Parents did not show by their own example a trusting relationship, and as a result gave rise to a lot of internal complexes in the child and uncertainty about the world around him. This category of people does not believe in the existence of reciprocity, but tries to experience the feeling of love within themselves.
A very strange category is a number of people who are afraid to change something in their lives. Despite the feeling of love, they will not try to take active action, but on the contrary, they will want to leave everything as it is. It’s easier to survive everything than to change the usual order of things.
The last ones are people who could not determine their position in life. They are incapable of making decisions and choosing a partner on their own. If a choice does occur, then in most cases it is non-reciprocal.

To summarize this concept, we can say that unrequited love is a human tendency that arises in the process of his psychological and emotional education, as well as socialization.

You can get rid of this feeling, but to do this you need to work hard on yourself, your inner and outer world.

Stages of unrequited love

Euphoria stage. It flies by in a flash, as practice shows, it’s only a couple of weeks. A lover experiences all the emotions and feelings possible, he is filled with joy when he sees the object of his passion, he dreams of relationships and meetings under the moon.
Here everyone has their own, for one it is a feeling of doom, for another it is hope for reciprocity. But in both cases there is a fear that the beloved will reject him, self-hatred, and psychological tossing. The complete opposite of the first stage. This can last a couple of months, in rare cases up to a year. Some women, by the way, do not reach this stage, but remain at the first stage, build castles in the air and live in them.
This is the stage of torment and suffering. It is difficult to define a time interval here; love throws can last forever. Ordinary love, which is mutual, can pass if it has not gone through fire and ode, but here the tests themselves have meaning. If such a person does not seek psychological help, then recovery from this illness will be extremely painful.

The final stage of healing. This can take years to achieve, especially if the lover does not even think about asking for help.

Reasons for unrequited love

Both internal and external factors can equally well lead to unrequited love. In the first group, psychologists include characterological qualities and unproductive patterns of behavior inherent in a loving person, which prevent him from building long-term relationships. External factors combine aspects independent of the individual, emanating directly from the object of sympathy. For example, the chosen one’s views on life or his concepts of beauty. Let's look at each group in more detail.

Internal factors that provoke one-sided love include:

Low self-esteem

Remember, if a person has a low level of self-esteem, then he almost certainly does not know how to show positive qualities to a potential partner. Awareness of oneself as a nonentity turns a person into a so-called “product on the bottom shelf”, no one notices him and no one is interested in him. Naturally, in such an atmosphere the birth of love is out of the question.

Selfishness and selfishness

If a person is subject to these two qualities, then one should not be surprised at his loneliness. Such people love only themselves, which means they simply do not have enough strength for others. They do not know how to feel the mood of the chosen one, they are indifferent to his life and desires. As a result, egoists slide into one-sided relationships, where they feel sincere sympathy only for their loved ones.

"Eternal Sacrifice"

This model of behavior assumes that no matter what life situation a person finds himself in, he will always suffer and suffer. The same applies to connections with another person. Experts are convinced that sometimes “eternal victims” deliberately fall in love with those who will never reciprocate their feelings. For example, pop stars or famous politicians. This gives them unlimited resources for moral torment, which are combined with passion for the object of their desire and manic pursuit of it.

Lack of skills for proper communication with members of the opposite sex. Such men often behave in a girl’s company as with friends in a garage: they make obscene jokes, laugh loudly and rudely tease her. As for women with this problem, at the first meeting they tell their boyfriend about their ex, describe to him in detail what cosmetics they use, and do not hesitate to let their partner in on the secrets of their hygiene. Do you think reciprocal love can arise from such behavior? Naturally not.

Grayness and dullness

Let's say that a certain person has no hobbies, he lives in the country, has no friends, never travels, and is afraid of new experiences like fire. How many chances do you think he has of arousing interest in himself as a person in a potential chosen one? According to the most daring estimates, somewhere around 1%. Understand that if you do not pay attention to your inner “I”, do not learn new things about yourself and the world around you every day, then people will never consider you as a partner for a relationship. This means that you either need to start changing yourself and your habits, or prepare for long-term loneliness and unrequited love.

The external factors of the problem described can confidently include the following:

The potential partner does not even suspect that the person has sympathy for him. You can regularly hint that you want to see him as your chosen one, but who can guarantee that he understands these hints? Oddly enough, such a reason quite often becomes a “stumbling block” in building long-term relationships and is quite capable of transforming into unrequited love.
Incompatibility of views. For example, you love noisy nightclubs and travel, but your lover is a quiet homebody who prefers to while away the evenings reading a book. In this case, he will probably regard you as an unsuccessful match for himself.
Differences in social status. It's sad, but some people deliberately avoid building relationships with those who occupy a lower position in the social hierarchy.
Subjective perception of beauty. Psychologists know that each individual perceives the beautiful and the ugly in this world in his own way. If relatives and friends constantly talk about your outstanding appearance, then it is not a fact that a potential partner will unconditionally join their ranks. Perhaps a man likes plump women, and you are slim. Or a woman prefers muscular guys, and you haven't been to the gym for a long time. But this can always be changed; the main thing is to understand what the object of desire really wants to see in you.

Important information! Another reason for one-sided love may be differences in intellectual development. Let's say you received two higher educations, but your chosen one only has a diploma from a construction technical school. Or you regularly go to the theater and attend art exhibitions, but your partner prefers to “have a blast” among friends. Naturally, you will have few common topics to talk about. In addition, he will be afraid of your “cleverness.” It’s easier for him to find a partner of a person of the same intellectual level as him than to try to adapt to you.

So, in the previous section we dealt with the most common reasons that lead to such a sad experience as one-sided love. Here we will discuss the characteristic features of this phenomenon. After all, there is nothing worse than being charmed by a person who is indifferent to us. Although no, the situation can be worse. It is in this that we do not understand that our partner does not want to see us next to him. To avoid falling into it, use the following observations:

the potential chosen one is trying with all his might to avoid your company: he does not answer phone calls, comes up with hundreds of excuses so as not to meet again, ignores signs of attention;
the object of sympathy does not want to introduce you to his family and friends. He can present this with the “sauce” of rational explanations, saying: “Why should I do this if we are not close enough to each other.” But the real reason is one, he is embarrassed by you;
the partner avoids using the phrase “we” in his speech and tries in every possible way to emphasize the status of your relationship, for example, that it is based on friendship;
there has never been intimacy between you. Moreover, the chosen one is trying to reduce tactile contact to a minimum so that you do not think that he is burning with reciprocal passion for you;
remember, with one-sided sympathy, tenderness and affection will come from only one person - from you in relation to your partner. He will never say a kind word to you, hug you tightly goodbye or kiss you on the cheek;
in this form of relations between communication subjects there is always a feeling of understatement and uncertainty.

Having read the previous sections, you might have gotten the impression that one-sided sympathy is a hopeless matter, doomed to failure in advance. We hasten to reassure you that everything is not as clear as it may seem at first glance. There are cases when a person managed to overcome the indifference of a partner and emerge victorious from the problem. Do you want the same? The following psychological tricks will help you with this:

Learn to understand your chosen one. Simple advice, but difficult to implement. Oddly enough, but your happiness depends on it. Why? It's simple, understanding your partner's needs and his inner world - you take a giant step towards mutual sympathy. Recent research in the field of interpersonal relationships has shown that people are more likely to choose partners who demonstrate their sincere interest in them and prefer to talk about them rather than about themselves.
If you notice that your hobbies with your chosen one are in different areas of interest, then there is only one way out - to adapt to the preferences of the object of passion. For example, he loves traveling outdoors, and you love growing begonias at home. Do you want to achieve reciprocal love? Then it’s time for you to buy boots with strong soles, a sleeping bag and learn to make a fire with one match. Otherwise, your sympathy will remain an unrequited dummy. Well, the begonias on the windowsill do not attract tourists, even if you crack them!
Try to enter the company of your lover. However, this should be done not directly, but in a roundabout way. For these purposes, use friends who are already part of the society you need. Let them introduce you there, as if by chance. Otherwise, your partner will get the impression that you are stalking him. And this never led to any good.
Through mutual friends, try to find out what personal qualities in another person attract your chosen one. Perhaps all his past girlfriends were well-read or excellent cooks. Take this knowledge and improve your skills. This is the only way you will get closer to achieving your cherished goal: to be with him.
No intrusiveness. Psychologists are convinced that obsession is the “first sign” of unrequited love. You start constantly calling the person you like, besiege his entrance in the hope of meeting your eyes, bump into him a hundred times at work or school, carefully monitor his social networks. And what is the outcome? You are absolutely indifferent to him. Why? No one is ready to love those who have no self-respect. So avoid being annoying and use common sense in everything.

Let's say you tried everything from the above recommendations, but the person never reciprocated your feelings. What to do in this case? There is only one way out - to forget the object of sympathy and move on in search of happiness. Want to do it quickly? Use the psychological tips we offer:

Avoid loneliness and be in public more often. There is no need for you to fight painful thoughts alone; share your suffering with friends and loved ones;
Don't focus on the negative consequences of unrequited love. Play sports, go out into nature, go to the cinema - everything is better than endlessly “chewing” a traumatic situation;
do not forget that time is the best healer of any pain. If you feel bad and sad now, this does not mean that you will always have this condition. A month will pass and you won’t even remember your love failure;
regard unrequited feelings as a source of useful experience;
read Margaret Mitchell’s book “Gone with the Wind”, in which the main character tries all her life to overcome her attachment to a person who does not love her, but then realizes that she has long been in love with another chosen one.

Who has it more difficult - guys or girls?

There is a misconception that only girls fall in love unrequitedly. This is not true. Guys fall in love the same way, but they don’t talk about it left and right, they tend to keep their feelings to themselves. This is why men very rarely talk about their feelings; according to psychosomatics, they can have serious health problems, they can become alcoholics, and some even commit suicide. In this sense, it’s easier for women, they can talk through problems and this makes it easier. They receive support from the outside and experience everything faster.

Consequences of unreciprocated feelings

Here everything depends on the lover himself. If this is a strong personality, then the person soon realizes that he cannot achieve reciprocal feelings by force; he will draw a conclusion and try to somehow solve the problem. Get over this feeling and avoid this in the future.

The weaker ones will be very worried, experience a feeling of depression, even to extreme measures.

In this case, it is simply necessary to seek psychological help in order to avoid serious consequences for physical and mental health. Finding a way out here on your own will not be easy. It feels like a quagmire - the more you struggle, the deeper you get stuck.

How long does unrequited love last?

The lifespan of love is 3 years, but not when we are talking about unrequited love. Sometimes people carry this feeling throughout their lives. A person can arrange his life, create a good family, have children, thinking about his beloved person and after many years he will experience pain. The feeling passes differently for everyone, some need a couple of months, others suffer for years. A lot depends on the personality, upbringing, and environment. Only someone who has once been in a similar position can understand what it is like and how difficult it is to get out of this situation.

If you no longer have the strength to fight an unrequited feeling on your own

You need to realize that unreciprocated love is not so scary. This is a lesson from the universe, you need to accept it and derive some benefit from it. Under no circumstances should you leave everything to chance, because problems will only grow. It is necessary to recover from illusions, vain hopes, suffering and torment. It’s great if there is someone nearby who can help you, especially if it’s a qualified psychologist or a loved one who understands you. This is especially important when it comes to young people whose psyche has not yet been fully formed.

We need to find the flaws. Your love object, like any person, is not ideal at all, find its flaws and stop idealizing it. Once you begin to notice these shortcomings, the feeling will begin to weaken.
Search for reasons. If you don’t get a person out of your head for a long time, you need to understand why this is happening. This is probably some kind of psychological program that haunts you in life. Here you already need to understand yourself, because there is a great chance in the future to simply switch to another person.
Take up all your free time. Get involved in something, start going dancing or playing sports. Do anything, just distract yourself from your thoughts about your lover, so that you simply have no strength or energy left for anything else. Perhaps this way you will find another person whose feelings will be mutual.
You need to make lemonade from ordinary lemon, Dale Carnegie taught this. Benefit from non-reciprocal feelings for yourself. This method works especially well for creative people. On a wave of emotional excitement, you can create beautiful works of art. This method will also be useful for those who have long wanted to change, because mutual love is not a strong motivator for self-growth; work in this direction, everything will definitely work out.

Accept and love yourself. All psychology experts talk about this all the time. You need to learn to love yourself first, and then others. If you love yourself, you will not allow yourself to be manipulated and you will not humiliate yourself in front of others. The norm is a healthy relationship between two people where there is respect for each other.

How to survive one-sided sympathy: psychological advice

Avoid loneliness and be in public more often. There is no need for you to fight painful thoughts alone; share your suffering with friends and loved ones;
Don't focus on the negative consequences of unrequited love. Play sports, go out into nature, go to the cinema - everything is better than endlessly “chewing” a traumatic situation;
do not forget that time is the best healer of any pain. If you feel bad and sad now, this does not mean that you will always have this condition. A month will pass and you won’t even remember your love failure;
regard unrequited feelings as a source of useful experience;
read Margaret Mitchell’s book “Gone with the Wind”, in which the main character tries all her life to overcome her attachment to a person who does not love her, but then realizes that she has long been in love with another chosen one.

UNREQUITED LOVE