It's boiling! Never do that: 10 reasons why your friends or colleagues are now ignoring you

UPDATE 12/30/2019. A video has been added to the article! Watch above and subscribe to my channel!

There is something wrong in your friend's life, but no matter how hard you try to reach out to him and support him, he constantly rejects your attempts. Is this a familiar story? In most cases, if this happens, the friend is either very offended by something, or, in principle, does not want to have anything to do with you.

How to identify the real reason for this behavior? And how to behave in such a situation? Let's try to answer these questions.

First, you need to delve into yourself and try to determine whether there were prerequisites for such behavior in your relationship, or whether your friend was simply “covered” by some circumstances, and now he cannot or does not want to deal with you. Therefore, the first question:

Voice messages

Who even came up with them? Never send without prior agreement or absolute necessity. Especially to strangers. If you had to, be sure to apologize. Let's reveal a secret: people can be so busy that they don't have the opportunity to stop what they're doing, look for headphones and listen. Your message will be postponed until later and may be safely forgotten. It may be convenient to send them. Receive - no.

Final Thoughts

To be fair, we must say that we have all been ignored by someone. But we are not perfect either, so it may well be that we have ignored other people over the years of our lives. So, with that said, I believe that when a person tries to ignore, it becomes a problem that needs to be addressed. Otherwise, everything may end in even bigger problems or an ordinary separation. Therefore, do not be afraid to solve problems and meet difficulties halfway. As a result, you will only become stronger and wiser.

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Escape from responsibility or self-care?

If necessary, instant messengers and social networks help users gently disappear from the radar. There are special tools for this, like the “mark message as unread” option on Facebook. Most of us use these tricks from time to time when we need to avoid uninteresting, unpleasant or useless conversations. “Using the barrier that messengers and email create, you can take a break to think about something, or decide nothing at all and avoid contact. At the same time, we expect to shift responsibility to the specifics of the communication channel - poor connection, no access to the Internet, and so on,” comments Lesya Kovalchuk.

Communication strategist and digital specialist Evgeniy Zingerman believes it is correct to filter incoming requests in mail and instant messengers. Conscious distribution of your own resources, including temporary ones, only works for the benefit of productivity. While a phone call distracts a person from the current activity and brings someone else's task to the fore, digital channels give us the freedom to manage personal priorities. “Today we try to separate working and non-working time. Within the first one, you are able to solve a limited number of problems; extraneous requests interfere with this. Therefore, all of us, including myself, can respond to someone’s message whenever it is convenient for us. This is healthy selfishness. You prioritize things that bring you something - knowledge, money, and so on. First, digital tools allowed us to significantly expand our circle of contacts, and then they gave us the opportunity to control it. This is how it should be, otherwise we would go crazy answering each other’s endless messages,” notes Evgeniy. Lesya Kovalchuk agrees that in digital communication it is very important for us to take care of maintaining personal boundaries: “From my own experience, I know that through social networks and other channels a huge number of questions, sometimes ridiculous, come in. If I answer everything, I will very quickly burn out emotionally and begin to get irritated. In any communication, including online, it is worth forming a certain model for responding to messages from the outside. Ask yourself questions - why am I here (note: in this communication channel), why am I using this or that channel, who is my audience and what are my expectations. Your communication is based on this. Of course, it is important to remember the culture. For example, if someone thanked you in a message or gave you feedback, you should at least respond with “thank you.”



Even if at heart you are prone to pessimism, anxiety and experiencing failures, do not impose negative emotions on others. People avoid complete negativity for fear of falling into a depressed state themselves. At the meeting, you will have to listen to further details of the illness, unsuccessful personal life, and simply a bad weather forecast. Keep a positive attitude, be cheerful, energetic and cheerful, then people will definitely be drawn to you. Don't go overboard to look natural.

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What's going on with other people?

It is important to understand whether your friend has stopped communicating with everyone he knows, or whether his ignoring applies only to you. If he has communication with other people, it’s probably still about you. Keep digging within yourself. You obviously did something - realize what you did, admit everything to yourself and build on the conclusions you made when you eventually get in touch. If you have known each other for a long time, put yourself in your friend’s shoes and think about whether you would like to hear an apology from yourself.

But what if you somehow found out that a friend has cut off contact not only with you, but also with their social circle or even family?

If a friend has cut off all contact, he is probably going through a difficult period in his life and this has nothing to do with you specifically. It is very possible that he is experiencing depression. When this happens, the last thing he needs is friendship.

All the things you loved to do together before, your common jokes, your funny stories - it was fun then . Now he may be sickened by this, because communication with you is already tightly associated with those things, but he simply does not have the strength for them in his condition.

Moreover, the more you had all this “fun” before, the less desire he will have to communicate. Therefore, you shouldn’t be surprised that you seem to be close people, but then suddenly they ignore you. Just if the connection between you was superficial, at the level of “hello, how are you doing,” he would hardly break contact - superficial or brief business communication does not waste resources, but fun does. And during periods of depression, this waste of resources is felt incredibly acutely.

Be that as it may, you need to decide how you will act in such a situation. Let's start with what not to do.

What messages do guys and men don’t know what to respond to?

  • Correspondence in instant messengers and other applications on the phone would seem to make life easier. You can send a message from anywhere in the world. In terms of time, this takes minimal time, and SMS often costs much less than a call.
  • But there are disadvantages to this type of communication. During correspondence, the person’s reaction is not visible. Too many messages are annoying. They cannot always convey meaning. The result is misunderstanding.

Men do not like to unravel such a deep meaning of what is written, as a girl would like. What messages confuse men?

  • General questions and statements. Guys don’t know how to answer the question “How are you?” After all, they don’t want to describe the whole range of emotions (guys generally don’t like to write a lot), but they can’t write briefly “Norm”, knowing that this will most likely offend the girl. Therefore, during correspondence, ask more specific questions rather than general ones.

It’s better to write something nice to the guy, and we will provide examples in our article.

  • Incomprehensible smiles, emojis, stickers. Learn to express emotions with words, not emoticons. Not every person can decipher such a message. As a result, a misunderstanding occurs and the man may simply not respond to the message. If you decide to send an SMS with a set of emotional emoji, then first check whether it makes sense.
  • There is no need to create drama in correspondence. A long, sophisticated, pompous phrase will not help clarify the relationship. It is better to do this during a meeting. Personal questions confuse men. They don’t know how to answer correctly; most likely a strange answer will come that the girl will misunderstand.
  • Don't write long messages of excuses. If it turns out that you actually did something wrong or made a mistake, then simply write a short apology. Long excuses are meaningless for men; often they may not even read them to the end. And you shouldn’t be offended by this, because, as we remember, men just don’t like to write a lot and are also reluctant to read sheets of text.

When corresponding with a man, you need to communicate only on business, learn to flirt, create intrigue. And you will see, the gentleman himself will start writing and waiting for your messages. And if you really need to communicate something urgent, then it’s better to call or make an appointment.

We also recommend reading:

  • How to intrigue a man, a guy, by correspondence, SMS
  • How to attract a man at a distance via SMS correspondence
  • The guy doesn’t write on VKontakte, SMS, doesn’t call after the first date
  • How to properly ask a man for forgiveness
  • Compliments to your beloved man, boyfriend

Why doesn’t a person respond to messages: what to do, how to behave?

If it is important for you to maintain a virtual connection with a certain person, then follow these rules if he does not respond to messages:

  1. Don't put pressure on your interlocutor. A person who does not respond to messages knows that this is bad, impolite, etc. There is no need to reproach or reprimand. It won't help change behavior. This will only confirm the correctness of the decision to stop communicating. The situation can be corrected. Show your interlocutor your feelings, but at the same time provide support. For example, say: “I’m annoyed when I don’t hear from you. I understand that you are busy. When will it be convenient for you to give me time?”
  2. Pay attention to the quality of messages, not their quantity. The interested person stands out even in rare correspondence. The interlocutor talks about his hobbies, books, shows photographs, etc. They will tell strangers this. Short answers, reluctance to talk about yourself, sharing photos are a sign that the person does not like you.
  3. If the reason for the correspondence is simple politeness , stop the correspondence. The interlocutor realizes that they no longer want to communicate with him and will begin to write. And if he continues to be silent, don’t be upset. There are many people in the world who suffer from loneliness and want to find someone to talk to.

How to bring clarity to online communication

It’s one thing when you don’t engage in dialogue and quite another when they bully you. In this case, worrying and wondering what went wrong is not constructive. Angry too. Anna Chaplygina gives some simple tips that will help keep the feedback situation under control.

Choose the right communication channel

Messengers exist for very quick, “not to the point” conversations. It is better to send important materials by email, and in Telegram you can simply additionally inform the person that you wrote to him by email.

Don't be afraid to remind yourself

We all want an answer to an important letter to arrive at least within 24 hours. But even if this does not happen, you should not immediately conclude that you are being deliberately ignored. Perhaps the recipient simply looked at the message in a hurry and then forgot about it. Anna Chaplygina advises: “If you wrote to a person in a messenger about a business issue, I would recommend reminding them about yourself by the end of the working day, or the next day. If you wrote by email, breathe out. Everything in the mail that “doesn’t burn.” You can expect a response to your email within three days. When you are the recipient and understand that during this time you will not be able to give substantive feedback, just calmly write “Thank you, I received it. I’ll be able to answer then.” If you are the sender and have not responded to your message in three days, you can get closer - write to the person in social network messengers, where he voluntarily gave others access to him. But don’t go straight to Telegram or Viber - they are already linked to your personal phone number.”

Agree on deadlines

Specify the time when you should wait for a response to the letter, or when you can remind the recipient about yourself. This way you will take the situation into your own hands and get rid of the painful need to constantly double-check your email or instant messengers in the hope that the long-awaited feedback is about to pop up there. “When there are clear deadlines, you can, with a clear conscience, not communicate for, say, a week, and then contact on the agreed day and solve everything,” says Anna.

If you want an answer, ask

It would seem an obvious condition, which is so often lost in everyday communication, but still works well: to prevent your message from turning into a simple notification, ask the addressee a specific question in it.

Not only digital

Of course, communicating online is easy, fast and safe. Along with the lack of clear instructions about what is right and what is wrong, it is this convenience that sometimes makes us hostage to a situation called “uncertainty.” However, without new experience, even if sometimes negative, you cannot build a culture of new communication. Plus, we still have good old-fashioned face-to-face communication at our disposal. Sometimes it is much better suited for discussing urgent and important topics - both work and not.

“Move important issues to another area and simply let the person know that you will call them so that it is not a surprise. Or invite him for a cup of coffee. Yes, this time is our most valuable resource, but, on the other hand, it is better to spend 15 minutes or an hour on live communication and dot all the I’s, than spend days inventing stories that do not exist,” says Lesya Kovalchuk.

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Fear factor

The lack of feedback is annoying and sometimes completely unsettling. Moreover, the more delicate the silence looks (the classic case - the message is delivered, but not read by the recipient), the more space remains for negative interpretations. We begin to worry and wonder. Psychologist and founder of the Genius.People center Lesya Kovalchuk notes that such anxiety is a natural reaction in an unfamiliar situation: “Ten years ago, we called or made an appointment with a person if we had a request for him. With the development of technology, it has become possible to communicate faster, almost instantly, using various communication channels. But this is still a new practice for us, the culture of such communication is not fully formed. There are no clear boundaries of behavior in the same messengers - we simply do not know what the silence of the interlocutor means. Fantasy turns on - either the person doesn’t want to talk to us, or he’s busy, away, deleted the contact, and there are many other options.”

There is an illusion that users are available 24/7 in instant messengers - everyone checks pop-up windows on their smartphones, and therefore must respond to messages almost instantly.

“When we communicate online, space and time disappear somewhere. People can communicate while located on different parts of the world and in different time zones - in America, Europe and Asia. But here it is very important to see the difference between the virtual and real world,” says Lesya. The paradox is that, on the one hand, digital channels create a certain barrier between us and the world and give a certain sense of security. On the other hand, they blur personal boundaries. Previously, it would never have occurred to a colleague, client or boss to call you on your home phone after nine in the evening. Today, at night, receive a message in the spirit of “Hello. Look at our payments for the last quarter” is a common practice.

A logical question arises: maybe ignoring some letters is not such a bad idea?

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