How to get rid of selfishness and in what situation is this really necessary? This topic worries many, because it is directly related to building relationships in society. Every person is naturally caring for personal needs and interests, and self-love.
For their natural and adequate manifestation in the philosophical and ethical environment, a special term has been identified - reasonable egoism. Where is the line between it and egoism in the traditional sense (as a negative character trait)? Ancient philosophers pondered this difficult question.
Here is what Aristotle wrote about this: “Egoism does not consist in loving oneself, but in a greater than proper degree of this love.” These words well reflect the modern approach of psychologists to this issue, helping to understand where that line is.
What is egoism and where does it come from?
The selfishness that you should get rid of concerns not just the ability to live and build relationships in accordance with your interests. It is associated with placing oneself above the family and the rest of the environment due to an inadequate perception of one’s own personality. This behavior does not manifest itself once, but constantly.
The appearance of a distorted perception of reality is associated with a false ego, which consists of selfish desires. When they begin to serve as the main (and sometimes the only) guideline for a person’s actions, the ability to consciously understand one’s feelings and views is impaired. Physical needs and material values come to the fore, for which they sacrifice everything else, including the opinions of others.
Types and forms of unhealthy egoism
- Dictatorial egoism, or “everyone must serve my interests.”
- Selfishness of one’s own exclusivity, or “everyone should be a moralist except me if it’s not beneficial for me.”
- Anarchic egoism, or “everyone has the right to be an egoist, to pursue their own interests whenever they please.”
In my opinion, few people in the modern world mistake the latter form for selfishness. The second is called “double standards” and we have also long been accustomed to it. But the first type of egoism never goes unnoticed and is unacceptable even for a society of individualists.
Among the forms of egoism one can distinguish super-egoism and egoism-self-destruction:
- The motto of the first is: “I am everything, the rest are nothing.”
- The motto of the second: “Look what a nonentity I am.”
Sometimes selfishness is mistakenly identified with egocentrism or considered a form of selfishness. This is wrong. Egocentrism (the inability to understand the situation of other people) is a completely different topic.
What makes the false ego exist?
In philosophical and psychological schools, there are several options for the mechanisms of the existence of the false ego, its predominance over the rest of the inner world. Some believe that it is inherent in the temporary mental shell of the soul, given to it at birth. In other sources, the false ego is considered part of the mind, in others it is isolated as a separate component of the psyche.
The lack of a consensus does not interfere with the definition of why it exists? All concepts agree on one thing: the false ego is based on identifying oneself with the material world and the needs of the physical body. When spiritual values and cultural guidelines lose their significance or, at a minimum, give way to them.
Signs of selfishness
Before we begin to consider ways to get rid of negative egoism, it is important to study its main signs:
- Obsession with oneself. A person is sure that he is the center of the universe around which the rest of the world revolves. His thoughts are busy analyzing only his life situation and making plans to achieve the desired results. He is sure that spending time and energy on others is an inappropriate waste of resources. In conversations, he always draws attention to himself. Doesn't consider it important or necessary to listen to someone's opinion or stories in which he is not the main character.
- Unjustified self-confidence. Negative egoism is manifested by an individual’s unshakable belief in his own superiority. Wherever a person goes, he is confident that everywhere he is smarter, more beautiful and in all aspects better than others. An egoist, without a justified analysis of real strengths and qualities, assigns himself the place of leader. He is absolutely uninterested in the position of others.
- Rejection of criticism. Even comments confirmed by real facts, expressed in a correct form, cause acute rejection in a person. He will go into conflict without any problems, but will never admit his own mistake or lack of knowledge. But an egoist is always ready to talk about his achievements with pleasure, not forgetting to exaggerate them for greater effect.
Familiarity with the signs of selfishness will help you avoid external manipulation based on the conscious substitution of concepts by others. This often happens when you want to force a person to act in accordance with someone else’s interests. For example, some parents may blame their children for not accepting criticism and calling them selfish. For what? So that they live life in accordance with their beliefs and desires: create families with “profitable matches” or get a “good” job. In such cases of imposition of opinions, a violent emotional reaction and denial will be quite normal. It is important to be able to soberly assess circumstances and defend your point of view when it comes to interfering in life. By the way, it is those around you who are selfish in such situations.
Causes of selfishness
Every person at certain moments in life is prone to displaying pride, but some individuals have made selfishness the norm in their lives. In order to understand what is hidden behind this, it is necessary to highlight the typical signs of an egoist:
- he lives only in his own interests, without paying attention to the lives of the people around him;
- considers himself better than everyone else, often publicly admits that he has many advantages; does not know how to rejoice for others, other people's happiness causes envy and anger in him;
- does not want to waste his time on something that will not bring him any benefit; refuses to help others;
- inclined to enjoy various benefits without sharing anything with others; communicates with people for profit, and crosses out those who will not bring him any benefit from his life.
The reasons for selfishness may lie on the surface, or may be hidden deep in a person’s nature. They are often associated with childhood, when the child was the center of the universe, all his desires were satisfied, his whims were fulfilled. He was not taught to show concern for other people; as an adult, he considers it unnecessary to think about others, preferring to live only for himself. This attitude has been embedded in his subconscious since childhood; it seems to him to be the only true one; he cannot live any other way.
Another way of the emergence of egoism at a conscious age. When achieving certain successes and receiving recognition, a person becomes characterized by pride and vanity, which give impetus to the emergence of egoism. It will be a constant companion, manifesting itself in varying degrees in one situation or another. It will become very difficult to get rid of it, because you will have to develop a new model of behavior.
Why is egoism dangerous?
The main characteristics of this dangerous phenomenon help not only to determine its presence in a person. They can also tell you a lot about why selfishness is dangerous. Often its manifestations entail serious consequences not only for others, but also for the person himself, who blindly follows personal interests.
| A characteristic feature of selfishness | Consequences of showing signs of selfishness |
| Self-obsession | Communication abilities are impaired and concentration is reduced. A person pays less and less attention to his surroundings. Without stopping in time, he loses healthy connections with family members and friends, and is gradually rejected by his work colleagues. As a social being, a person left without outside support may fall into depression and inaction. Or, on the contrary, he can become aggressive towards others, crossing the boundaries of what is permitted. |
| Unjustified self-confidence | Empty boasting about your inflated achievements entails a loss of authority and respect from the general public. A big threat to normal life is the loss of the skill of soberly calculating one’s strength. As a result of this process, a person can let others down and go down significantly lower on the social ladder. The conflict between expectations and reality in his mind can provoke a nervous breakdown. |
| Rejection of any criticism | The lack of adequate perception of comments leads to a stop in personal and social development. By ignoring advice, a person is deprived of the opportunity to soberly assess his own qualities and find points for growth among them. Violent emotional reactions and conflict lead to the loss of the opportunity to use outside help to improve well-being. |
Concept
An egoist is a person who puts individual interests above the interests of other people and is guided in any of his actions solely by the motive of obtaining benefits.
An egoist does things solely for his own sake.
The needs of other people, their values and views are deeply indifferent .
Each of us has egoistic traits to some extent. For some they are expressed to a lesser extent, and for others to a greater extent.
This feature of the psyche is explained by the nature of a person who, in order to survive, must pursue his own interests and take care of himself .
“Healthy” egoism, in which a person puts individual needs first, but does not harm other members of society, is a completely useful character trait.
Without such attitudes, it is not easy to survive in modern society . But in cases where an individual acts solely in the interests of his own person, regardless of the needs of other people, selfishness in its purest form occurs.
Often such people are distinguished by a strong character . Possessing a strong will, they are able to lead those who are weaker than them.
With certain skills, these people can become excellent manipulators who instill their own point of view into weaker interlocutors and impose it as the only correct one.
The main life attitude of such a person can be expressed in one key word - “give” .
An individual wants to constantly get what he wants without giving anything in return.
This philosophy of life leads to serious problems both in the sphere of interpersonal relationships and in all other areas of social life.
Most scientists are inclined to believe that egoistic tendencies are formed in childhood. Children who grew up in an atmosphere of permissiveness, spoiled by the attention and generosity of adults, do not want to give up the habit of fulfilling all their whims in adulthood.
The other side of the problem is the lack of attention and care in childhood. The child decides that no one loves him and that he needs to protect his own interests by all means.
Fighting selfishness
How to get rid of selfishness once and for all? Achieving victory over this difficult and dangerous personality trait is possible only through conscious elaboration of your thinking. The habit of putting oneself above others, an inadequate reaction to the opinions of others - these and other manifestations of selfishness represent habitual patterns of behavior. Getting rid of them and building new healthy patterns is a process that includes three main stages:
- Identifying the cause.
- Accepting the fact that a problem exists.
- Choosing a method to overcome it.
Let's take a closer look at each of them.
Finding the reason
Selfish behavior is born from thoughts, so the reason for its occurrence should be sought in them. Our thinking is a reflection of past life experiences. It is this that should be analyzed, finding situations or circumstances that served as good soil for cultivating excessive self-love.
Most often, the reason is associated with excess or lack of attention in childhood. Selfishness may also reflect a defensive reaction to negative experiences from the past. For example, failed relationships with the team at the first place of work. It is necessary to identify the existing sign of selfishness and think about what circumstances provoked its appearance. And then, get rid of it as quickly as possible.
Where does selfishness come from?
Excessive manifestation of selfishness does not allow you to build a relationship with a partner. The manifestation of this quality is that a person puts himself above his beloved and thinks only about his feelings. Selfishness manifests itself constantly. This is not a one-time phenomenon that you can put up with. Selfish people cannot adequately relate to their own personality. All a person’s thoughts are connected with selfish goals that will satisfy his wishes. Such people become greedy and dependent on material values. They do not listen to relatives and can even betray them.
Recognizing the problem
Having analyzed the personal history of the evolution of egoism, it is important to accept its existence. This should be done without judging what is happening. There is no need to panic over the consequences of actions already committed; you should not scold yourself or make excuses. It is important to constantly keep in mind your goal - to get rid of selfishness.
Everything that happened must be perceived in the past time, without abandoning it. To do this, try looking at yourself as a stranger. Remember that to start a successful fight, it is important to see the problem with the previously established reasons for its occurrence and stop denying it all.
Coping methods
There are two main scenarios for overcoming selfishness:
- Independent work with support from the environment.
- Struggle in sessions with a qualified psychologist.
When a person is unable to sincerely admit that there is a problem and conduct meaningful self-analysis, it is better to immediately contact a specialist. If you manage to gather your inner strength on your own and work through the first two stages, you can successfully get rid of egoism on your own. It will be useful to enlist the support of close people with whom you have established trusting relationships. An action plan can be drawn up based on the effective recommendations given below.
Features of egoistic manifestation
Selfishness is a specific behavioral feature that is focused only on satisfying one’s own needs and desires. A person who first of all covers his own needs and shows a non-caring attitude towards the needs of others is rightfully considered an egoist.
Overegoism is when one’s needs are met at the expense of others. In other words, when one’s needs are met through the efforts and means of other people. Such forms of egoism are beneficial only for a while, until those close to you figure out your approach. Everyone gets tired of gratuitous help, especially if you feel like you are being taken advantage of.
If you use “reasonable egoism,” which involves not affecting the interests of others when solving one’s problems, then this trait will not be so pronounced. It is important to understand that human greed is limited by a person’s upbringing, therefore, when implying human selfishness, this should be taken into account.
How to get rid of selfishness: practical advice
Awareness of the problem is already half the battle in the fight against selfishness. Further actions should be aimed at working with thinking. When thinking about how you can get rid of selfishness, pay attention to developing new habits and scenarios for reacting to what is happening. Let's take a closer look at the steps that will help redirect established patterns of negative behavior in a new direction and thereby defeat them.
Develop empathy
When observing and talking to others, switch from mentally assessing circumstances in your favor to feelings. Listen to your own desires. Resist impulses to subjugate the situation to yourself through emotional pressure on others. Instead, try to cultivate consideration, politeness, and empathy. When you are approached, listen patiently and understand the situation of the person addressed. So over time, you will learn to respect other people's opinions and develop the ability to empathize.
Monitor the influence of the false ego
Formulate a filter for your own desires. Which ones are really important and justified by the situation? And what did greed or pride whisper in the race to satisfy the selfish motives of the false ego? For example, it is quite appropriate to ask a colleague to help with a task because you do not have time to pick up your child from kindergarten when there is no one to do it for you. But if an insidious desire awakens in you to simply shift things in order to earn a bonus at someone else’s expense, this must be nipped in the bud.
Learn to live in the present moment
Selfishness is often fueled by anxiety about the future or the past. Therefore, it is extremely important to learn to live here and now. Accept that reality exists only in the present moment, and develop the habit of doing the best that you can in the present. The rest is an illusion, which is often built to please selfish desires. Stop them by choosing to enjoy the present.
Develop a habit of gratitude
One of the traps of selfishness is assigning all the credit to oneself to one’s loved one. We often take the actions of others for granted, putting only our own efforts on a pedestal. Concentrate on what comes to you from the outside and where exactly it comes from. For example, are you used to having a clean and tidy home? Fix the understanding that all this does not come out of thin air. Thank family members for putting things in order.
Can't adequately evaluate the efforts of others? Then give yourself the opportunity to feel everything inside and out. Do some spring cleaning or any other chore and thank yourself for your efforts. Now next time it will be easier for you to adequately evaluate the work of others.
Stop making excuses
In order to elevate himself above others, a person often seeks justifications and explanations for his own “exploits.” They also come to his aid in case of a violent reaction to criticism. Let go of your emotional needs to always be better. Recognize that you are an ordinary person. Stop building a defense of your superiority out of excuses, leave only dry facts and always convey them calmly.
Communicate more with animals
A little friend will teach you to understand how the environment sometimes needs our support. By communicating with animals and selflessly caring for them, we can feel the joy of actions that are not aimed at achieving selfish goals. Gradually, a feeling of compassion and an inner need to simply give away your warmth will develop. They will be an excellent counterbalance to the principle of acting only for one’s own pleasure, characteristic of egoism.
Realize the temporary nature of all material things
Accept the fact that everything material in this life is not eternal and reconsider your life goals. Cars break down, things wear out. Are you really ready to devote all your time and energy to satisfying selfish desires? Based on this, honestly report your actions.
Does it include items that will serve as support during dark times of material distress? And in our fickle world they can come at any moment. But there are always spiritual values, work on which will bring no less satisfaction and over time will not turn into a waste of energy for the sake of temporary benefits.
Start caring for others
Remember that selfishness gives rise to the desire to spend all efforts only on yourself. Therefore, attention and care for others will be an excellent cure for this quality. At first, you may do such things reluctantly. Why switch to others? Wasting time, money, energy.
But these internal contradictions will go away in the first situation in which you feel the sincere gratitude of others and their joy when meeting you. An unusual feeling of happiness from real merits quickly dulls the desire to continue flaunting fictitious merits.
Always look for opportunities to give.
Selfishness is reinforced by the feeling of pleasure from receiving some benefit. Almost always, it is quickly replaced by the desire to achieve something else. This is exactly how the life of a selfish person goes, following his material goals.
The feeling of happiness associated with the opportunity to help others achieve what they want will allow it to change radically. Realize that by jumping off the self-gratification merry-go-round and putting resources into supporting those around you, you will get something more. And most importantly, weaken the usual selfish behavior scenarios.
Meet new people
By learning how strangers with different social status live, you will be able to correct illusory ideas about life. Familiar things will acquire true value and will no longer be taken for granted. This will entail an increased sense of pleasure from existing benefits and will help you learn to enjoy the present. Also, communicating with a large number of people will reduce the time spent on fixated thoughts about yourself.
The True Face of Selfishness
Selfishness is the nature and essence of every person. This is what allowed us to create an internal combustion engine, launch a rocket into space, find vaccines against epidemics, build multi-story glass buildings and make the Internet wireless. Everything we observe in the world is a product of our selfishness. And the only difference is how we use it: for the benefit of humanity or just for ourselves.
We all strive to enjoy life. Even when our actions or decisions lead to the opposite effect, they were dictated by only one thing - the desire for happiness.
Each person comprehends and feels happiness depending on his internal values, which are dictated by a vector set - the psyche. Thus, some of us strive for the social pinnacle through high position, status and bank account size. For others, the most important values are family, children, their own home, stability and respect from colleagues. Still others live by feelings and emotions, and the highest value is love, so much so that with a loved one to the ends of the world. The fourth are drawn to the comprehension of immaterial forces, to spiritual development, to an awareness of the structure of the world and the revelation of the Design of all things. The picture is the same with the other four vectors - each has its own values and ways of perceiving the world.
Moreover, in addition to our innate desires, we are provided with all the necessary properties to achieve them. From early childhood, our parents and school develop them in us to a certain level, and then we go out into the big world and share the skills that we have managed to master, and to the extent that we have managed to grow.
The very first level of egoism is infantile. To this extent, a person is able to take care only of his own needs, without taking into account the opinions and desires of others.
At a higher level, we are able to experience joy when our loved ones, family and loved ones feel good.
At the third level, we care about the well-being of the collective, group of people, residents of a city or nation.
And at the highest fourth level of egoism, we perceive the appearance of people, without dividing them into races, religions, food preferences and other differences.
It is egoism that makes a person human. It cannot be eradicated - it is our essence. But we can correct it, raise it to a higher level, and therefore learn how to enjoy life even more.
How to get rid of selfishness in relationships with people?
Remember that creating healthy relationships with others is only possible by building adequate self-esteem. It is important to develop an understanding of your own importance without exaggeration. To do this, it is necessary to reconsider the usual scenario of superiority over others. Communicate with others as equals, cultivating respect for their rights and opinions.
Getting rid of selfishness in close relationships
The question of how to get rid of selfishness in relationships with loved ones deserves special attention. Often, egoists have an unspoken rule that applies to their family members, their relatives and friends, that they a priori owe them something. Therefore, when communicating with them, negligence, raising the voice and demanding to meet illusory expectations are allowed.
Realize that close relationships primarily place more responsibilities on yourself. They should bring pleasure to both parties, and not be used to serve one person. Otherwise, you will turn into a parasite and ruin your relationships with dear people yourself.
Here it is also important to consciously give yourself and your partners the same rights. At the same time, paying a lot of attention to personal behavior. You should start by fixing and eliminating moments in which you allow yourself to demand more from a person, explaining this by your close relationship with him.
Terminology
Having examined the most popular dictionaries of our time, we can conclude what selfishness is. This is not a quality, but rather a life belief that positions itself as a person’s desire to benefit from everything by any means. A selfish person is focused exclusively on his feelings, needs and experiences. The inner ego of such people is insatiable and constantly demands more. It cannot be said about an egoist that he is modest or satisfied with life. He constantly wants to have what others have.
