How to “treat” dependent relationships between husband and wife? Psychologist's advice

In this article I will talk about love addiction. What is it based on? And how does it differ from healthy attachment?

I’ll tell you what scenarios are used to build dependent relationships, including relationships with “love predators.” Who and why can consciously provoke us to become dependent on them.

How does a love addict experience “withdrawal” when he decides to break up with the partner who is the object of his addiction, or when he moves away.

And most importantly, I’ll tell you how to get rid of love addiction if you get into it. And learn to build a healthy relationship with a man, based not on dependence and suffering, but on healthy affection.

Love addiction or relationship addiction

• Love addiction or relationship “addiction” Lack of self-confidence
• Love addiction and breakups

This is the case when you cannot live without a caring partner or without someone who loves you.
Love addiction is when you become completely unable to function alone, always feeling bored or miserable, until someone comes along and fills your life with joy. Although love addiction is classified as the safest addiction, it can still ruin your life.

Human addiction: what is it?

Dependence (addiction) on a person is a psychological state in which a dependent individual experiences pathological attachment to the object of his love. Because of this, a person practically loses his personality and lives with the problems and joys of his partner.

Addictive behavior is caused by the inability to take responsibility for one’s feelings and actions, and the addicted person is not always able to cope with the accompanying negative emotions (sadness, doubts, resentment, anxiety, uncertainty) on his own. It takes great courage, and often the help of a competent psychologist, to find the resources to confront yourself and overcome addiction.

Lack of self confidence

Sometimes the main reason for love addiction is lack of self-confidence. In this case, you may need someone to validate you, someone to reassure you that you are a good person, or someone to help you compensate for your lack of self-confidence.

People who are addicted to drugs because they lack confidence think about it this way: “if someone loved me, then I am not worthless, then I am a worthy person,” and therefore they rely on external factors to feel confident rather than being addicted to one's inner self-esteem.

Love addiction and breakups

One of the good reasons for spending is relationship addiction because when you fall in love with someone just because you need them, you may break up with them as soon as that need goes away, and since that need develops from a temporary slump, that we are experiencing, the relationship may fracture in the near future.

Love addiction can usually be caused by other problems in your life. For example, if you have some kind of emotional problem that you cannot solve or that you are running away from, you may develop an attachment to the relationship.

Of course, no method of escape will be as wonderful as escaping from love, you just need to escape into a mood of love where these bad emotions will not be felt at all. One of the simple rules of emotions is that you can only feel one emotion at a time, so when you experience love, you will forget about other bad emotions, or at least bury them for a while.

Since the subconscious mind cannot be fooled, these bad moods will still visit you in the form of unknown bouts of bad mood or even in your dreams in the form of nightmares.

How to overcome love addiction?

The solution to this problem may not be that difficult, you just need to figure out why you feel depressed when you are alone. If the cause was unresolved issues then at least start taking action or if the cause was lack of self-confidence then start building your confidence. Whatever the reason, just find it and then try to take steps to eliminate it, instead of avoiding a temporary addiction that will not solve anything.

The habit of love addiction only accumulates problems, then you will have to face even more problems.

Difference between dependent and codependent relationships

When one partner deliberately makes himself a slave to the other, this is dependent behavior. The meaning of his life becomes endless service to his loved one. He puts his partner on a pedestal and sacrifices himself. When the object of adoration announces the need to separate, the addict becomes depressed and, in extreme cases, is capable of suicide.

A codependent relationship is a little different. This is more common among married couples. Here both partners suffer from strong attachment to each other. Each of them needs the approval and support of their life partner. Husband and wife control each other and become so close that being forced to live separately causes problems. At first glance, such relationships seem ideal, but people who choose this type of relationship often have anxiety disorders, phobias, etc. The manifestation of codependency in relationships is more difficult to correct.

Introduction to Dealing with Breakups

Do you think your heart will remain broken until you get it back?

Don't worry, in two weeks you will completely forget about the one you loved, even if you are now dying for him.

It's quite disappointing how a relationship that was once the sweetest thing in someone's life turns into great heartbreak and unhappiness after a breakup.

Sometimes relationships don't even have a beginning to have an end. This happens when love is one-sided and one partner suffers greatly while the other never notices.

This is where the famous phrase “I can’t live without you” comes into play. The life of this particular individual stops at a certain point, hoping that his lover will return to him, but sometimes this does not happen and the person becomes depressed.

Don't worry, dealing with rips will be much easier than before once you finish reading this section.

A key factor in dealing with breakups

One of the unknown facts about love is that many times we don't fall in love because we really love the other person, but we fall in love because we need someone to help us get over our bad mood!

Some people seek relationships to cope with the unbearable emotions they experience when alone.

This situation is similar to when someone starts taking drugs just because they don't like their current state of mind or simply because they can't cope with some bad feelings. When people like the state of love and the feeling of love, rather than love for the person himself, you can be sure that they are running away.

This is called love addiction. The state of being unable to live without love just because you have other problems that you want to forget about.

What is really dangerous about this kind of addiction is that no one ever realizes the fact that he is dependent on his partner only because he feels bad, and not because he loves him.

He may even become completely convinced that this partner is the only one, and therefore, if it happens that he leaves him, he will suddenly return to the terrible state he was in before. When a person after a breakup finds himself experiencing terrible emotions, not knowing the facts I just mentioned, he thinks that he cannot live without the partner with whom he broke up.

Some people fall in love to cope with problems rather than to grow. This is called external dependency. The habit of depending on an external factor to feel good or get away from a bad mood.

External dependence is a way that some people get rid of their bad emotions. Whenever they face a big problem, they rush to find a loving partner to forget about all their problems in life.

Love addiction is a special case of external addiction where a person uses love as their preferred method of escape.

How do I know if I am in true love and not in attachment?

Just remember how you felt when you were alone without a partner.

• Have you always felt bad or sick?
• Have you always felt that you won't live a happy life unless you meet someone who loves you?
• Have you ever thought that the solution to every problem lies in your ability to find someone who loves you?

If you answered yes, then there is a high probability that you are susceptible to such an addiction.

The person doesn't matter, his emotions matter.

The good thing about external dependency is that once you find someone who provides you with the same nurturing that you used to get from your old partner, you will feel good and happy again.

For “love addicts,” it doesn’t matter who the partner is who provides them with this care, as long as he meets their unconscious criteria of love.

How to recover from a breakup?

To recover from a serious breakup or one-sided love, you must first realize that you may have been an addict. If you continued to believe that you wanted the person himself, and not the feelings or emotions you experienced with him, then your mind will not let him go.

In my consultations, I often talk about how you can easily overcome breakups simply by understanding the concept of love addiction. Know that if you become emotionally stable and free from love addiction, these breakups will not affect you except for a limited period of time before you fully recover.

If you got into a relationship just to deal with bad feelings, then you'll likely feel depressed until a solution is found. If you find that you are suffering from external addiction and that you cannot live without someone, then it is time to dig into your personal problems and fix them.

It's time to do some digging to find out what's causing this emotional instability that makes you unable to tolerate being alone.

How to feel good?

Another fact that is unknown to most people is that sometimes a person feels bad after a breakup not because he was rejected or lost someone he loved, but because unconsciously he thinks that he was rejected , which means he is guilty, inadequate or not like everyone else.

In this case, it is only your negative view of yourself that hurts you, and not the rejection itself. If you wanted someone to approve of you because you thought approval or love meant you were good, then of course you will suffer after the breakup.

If this is your way of thinking, know that unless you change it, your self-confidence will always depend on external factors rather than internal ones, and you will live at the mercy of others.

It's normal to feel depressed after spending, but it's not normal to spend months recovering.

Of course, it's normal to feel bad after a breakup, but what's not normal is that you don't recover from the breakup after a few months.

After a breakup, people usually go through certain stages of recovery before they feel well again. Be sure to read the links below to quickly walk through all these steps.

After a breakup, you will be left with both bad feelings and some experiences. When the bad feelings disappear, you will feel good as a result of the experience.

How to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind - 5 steps from a psychologist:

Step #1: Focus

The lack of ability to notice oneself and the surrounding reality is the main problem of any addicted person. He tends to forget himself, fly away into fantasies or thoughts about the past, get lost in alcohol, food or another person, stop feeling reality as it is, and brighten it up with his fantasies.

Therefore, the first way to get rid of love addiction is the willingness to notice yourself and feel reality as it is. To feel, understand, feel, realize, admit to yourself - this is what any addict needs to learn.

Step #2: Fear of Life

One of the most important reasons for addiction is fear of life. A person, afraid of meeting himself and reality, runs away. In another. Into a relationship. Alcohol/food/drugs/TV series/books/games.

Fear of life refers to many different fears, for example, fear of contact, intimacy, the opposite sex, change. Due to the inability to cope with fear, a person, instead of solving the problem, chooses to escape from it into his (his chosen) addiction.

Thus, the second step to getting out of dependence on a man/woman is to stop being afraid of life. Learn to live as actively as possible. Express yourself to the fullest. Learn to live every day as if it were your last. Don't be afraid to go into maximum activity. Take each new day as a gift, and use this gift, and not put it away in a dusty closet for a rainy day.

I also made a video for you about what neurotic dependence is, how it differs from love, and how to get rid of it:

Step #3: Return to yourself

Love addiction is accompanied by a blurring of one’s own boundaries and those of a partner. The difficulty arises in understanding where my needs end and the needs of another begin. This fog that fills relationships creates tension and internal dissatisfaction. Addiction, controlling behavior, jealousy, insecurity, and fear of losing arise.

In order for you to learn to understand within yourself where you end and the other begins, so that you can get rid of love addiction and learn to build healthy relationships, I wrote for you the book “Into a happy relationship through self-love.”

After reading it, you will learn to distinguish your real desires from desires associated with the fear of losing your partner, learn to talk about your needs and defend them. By completing tasks in the book, you will become a complete person, complete on your own, in the absence of another person. You will learn to love yourself and stop acting dependently, you will communicate with your partner freely, without ingratiation, control and fear of being alone. This recovery from addiction will allow you to build healthy partnerships where everyone is whole in themselves, and builds a union simply for the sake of sharing the joy of their own life with another.

You can read the full description and reviews of the book by following the link.

Step #4: Processing the Trauma

Addiction is an attachment disorder that develops in early childhood. In most cases, the trauma is caused like this: the mother was physically absent, often abandoned or left for a long time. Also, the emotional absence of the mother can lead to trauma - when there is no sincere, spiritual involvement in the upbringing process. This leads to the fact that in adulthood a person develops a violation of attachment with all other people. For example, he may act distant, avoid most people, reject the need for intimacy, and appear self-sufficient and independent. And at the same time, become strongly attached to a partner or close friend. Today he can be cold and inaccessible, increasing the distance, and tomorrow he can cling like a bath leaf and be afraid of losing.

Processing attachment trauma on your own is difficult. I am a psychologist, and I conduct consultations via Skype, where I help solve pressing issues and improve the quality of life. The problem of dependencies is one of the main areas of my work. I invite you to my consultation to work through your traumas and get out of an addictive state. You can find out the cost and sign up using the link, and read reviews about me and my work here.

Step #5: Desires

The peculiarity of any addicted person is a loss of reality, an escape from it, an escape from oneself and the world around him, from the present moment. I know another powerful way to bring yourself back to yourself and be in touch with yourself. This method is about learning to understand who you are and what you really want. Find out what you want and start giving it to yourself. Fulfilling your own desires not only returns you to reality, but also relieves you of addiction due to the fact that you learn in a direct way, and not distorted, to give yourself those emotions that the object of your addiction used to give you.

By desires I mean everything that brings you joy and pleasure. You can read about how to learn to recognize your desires and achieve your goals here.

As you fulfill your own desires, you will gradually realize that you are now constructively receiving everything that previously you could only receive from another person. In the process of these realizations, your thoughts will be restructured. But you definitely need to combine this method with working on the others, otherwise it may take too much time and never bring results.

Fighting love addiction

First step

Love addiction can not only cause bad feelings after a breakup, but it can also threaten the future and duration of your current relationship.

The first step in fighting love addiction is to understand why we are addicted to love! To be able to break free from addiction, you must first get rid of the root causes behind it.

There are many reasons that could be causing your love addiction, here are some examples:

• Lack of self-confidence leads to a strong need for approval and a desire to meet someone who can make you feel worthy
• Unresolved issues that cause low mood and mood swings can lead to love addiction. In this case, the person needs someone to make him feel better
• Being single or without intimate relationships with friends can make you addicted to love.
• Refusal in relationships. Many people fall in love just because they want to feel loved or approved.

Wrong beliefs about love can also lead to love addiction. Once a person acquires such faith, he will feel the desire to enter into a new relationship as soon as he feels bad. Understand why love is not like in the movies.

There are also many other reasons, but I cannot list them all because each individual may be susceptible to this type of addiction for different reasons. Your first task in overcoming a problem is to determine the cause of it.

Second step

Let's say you discovered that your love addiction was a direct result of your inability to tolerate bad moods, which leads to your unresolved problems.

In this case, you should start facing your problems instead of rushing into emotions. You must get rid of the bad habit of allowing problems to fester while you do nothing about them.

Whatever the cause you discover, the next action must be directed against and deal with that cause. If it was self-doubt then fight to strengthen your self-confidence, if it was loneliness then read about the causes of loneliness to deal with it and if it was a deviation then find the reasons for those deviations then deal with them .

If you are serious about overcoming love addiction, then you must decide to be brave. You should decide that you will not return to a relationship when your life gets hard, and you should also decide that you will go to war against all these things that make you depend on someone else to survive.

There is something very important that you must understand: knowing why you are addicted to a relationship is the key to overcoming such a problem. For example, if you feel unloved due to lack of self-esteem, there is a very high chance that you will look for some quick fix that will help you feel good and guess that a new romance may be such a quick fix.

Love addiction has many causes and unless you understand the cause and treat it, you can always end up in the wrong relationship. In the example I just gave, the only way to overcome addiction is to build self-esteem.

By doing this, you won't need an affair to feel good about yourself, and you'll only enter into a relationship when you're truly in love.

Practical and psychological advice

Treatment for love addiction is beneficial when a person recognizes the existing problem of attraction and is determined to achieve a positive outcome. But he must also be prepared for the fact that this is a long process that requires effort, time and patience.

You don’t need to think that life is over, that it’s your turn or that you’re unlucky in life. We create our own destiny. What we think about and dream a lot becomes our life. Therefore, stop thinking that you are poor and unhappy, you deserve more and better! No horoscopes or messengers of fate are to blame for this! You need to pull yourself together, you can even shout at yourself and start building a new life. A life where you will be valued, listened to, and respected for your opinion. A life where you yourself will build your day, your year, your destiny.

1. If you are unable to cope on your own and need an external push, go to a psychologist or church . In the first case, they will listen to you and help you look at yourself from the outside, give you advice, and tell you where to start. In the second case, you will unlearn outside support, because “Everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.”
2. Find something you like . Redirect your raging passion into something new. Get busy with your career and studies. Make the most of all your free time, sign up for courses, go out of town, take a helicopter ride, and finally start knitting, drawing, writing. Remember what you were interested in in your youth, or perhaps you have long wanted to try something new. Keep yourself busy, this will allow you not to think about your ex and you won’t notice how time flies by, and time heals. An active life will allow you to look at the world in a new way, perhaps you will meet new people or build your career. Just think about how much time you spent whining and crying, but this time could have been spent much more productively, for example, improving your professional skills or looking for a new job, interview, etc.
3. Stop blaming yourself for the past , accept mistakes as experience, as passed axioms without the need for approval.
4. Review your personal qualities . Take care of yourself. Build a new you. Don't pay attention to others, listen to yourself. Sometimes, to get what you want, you need to learn to say “NO” firmly. If you are condemned for breaking up a relationship, then these lovers do not know you well and they are unlikely to wish you well. Only you yourself know what is best for you.
5. Try to get closer to reality , analyze actions and the consequences arising from them. Figure out what actions you took that led to you becoming addicted to love. Perhaps you are too trusting and easily succumb to male advances or female charm, or it’s something else. Start changing your way of thinking and living differently.

To get reliable help and understand how to cope with love addiction, you need to thoroughly analyze the causes of its occurrence and eradicate the disease by destroying the root.

Developing your coping skills

To properly end your love addiction and ensure that the problem does not return, you need to develop your coping skills. As you may have noticed, the problem can occur because the person does not have enough skills to deal with life's problems or unwanted emotions.

In other words, when people are feeling down, they look for quick painkillers to help them face the pain, and one of the most popular painkillers is love.

Now, even if you have resolved the problem, you may relapse if you do not gain enough skills to deal with the problem.

Learning to stay single

In many cases, relationship addiction occurs because the individual does not have enough emotional capacity to remain single. In other words, as soon as the “addict” finds himself alone, he feels very bad and strives for a new romance.

Now the ability to remain alone can only be achieved if you have studied the psychology of love well, and also know how to properly recover from a breakup without leaving marks in your heart.

When you learn how to recover from a relationship properly, you won't have much of a problem with loneliness until you meet the right person, and as a result, you won't have problems with love addiction.

6) Strive for progress, not perfection

As I said before, breaking free from love addiction and the accompanying compulsive behavior patterns is not an easy task. The transformation process may seem very slow.

You need to learn to accept your own failures, mistakes and wrong steps (without blaming yourself or being ashamed of yourself), while at the same time focusing on the next step, striving for the next global goal indicated in your action plan. You must always remember that sometimes in the recovery process you take two steps back and only one step forward. In fact, in real life, when a person strives for some positive goal, there are always some ups and downs. However, your determination and perseverance will definitely help you achieve your goal. You need to admit that there is a problem and accept the fact that the path to getting rid of love addiction is very thorny and bumpy. You need to always remember that recovery is not about striving for perfection; at its core, it is about gradual progress and moving forward.

… Progress, not perfection

You are moving forward even when you don't realize it. There is no need to blame yourself for failures and mistakes (we are all human), but you also should not give up or betray your values. There is no need to beat yourself up and “attack” yourself for making mistakes, because these mistakes are also part of your journey towards the goal, and, again, we are all human, we can all make mistakes (in my opinion, I already said this).

There is no place for guilt and shame in recovery, as these emotions trigger a negative guilt/shame spiral that feeds the very existence of addiction and unhealthy attachments. We suffer from guilt when we think we have done something wrong. When we are ashamed of ourselves, we consider ourselves a bad person, an inferior and inadequate individual who has no place on this earth at all. In the case of love addiction, the feeling of shame manifests itself in full force. If we make a mistake or go astray, it is shame that begins to whisper to us that all the efforts you make are worthless, you will never achieve your goal, the situation will never change...

... I apologize in advance for the expressive language, but all this is complete bullshit! Shame is inherently toxic, it poisons your life and is a whole set of false beliefs, examples of distorted perceptions and complete nonsense. If you strive for full recovery, you need to openly confront these feelings - both guilt and shame.

True love vs love addiction

In other words, this is the case when a person becomes dependent on love itself, and not on a specific partner. This means that a “love addict” will not actually care about who they are with as much as they care about their relationship with their partner.

Most relationship addicts don't know that they are, but instead they just think they are madly in love with one person. As soon as the partner leaves or as soon as something goes wrong with the love relationship, addicts will quickly find another partner to love, also thinking that they are madly in love with him!

By constantly moving from one affair to another, people satisfy their intense need for love connections, confusing their love addiction with true love.

Is this true love or just an addiction to the relationship?

If you want to know if you really love your partner or if it's just some relationship addiction, see if the following criteria apply to your case:

Signs of love addiction

№1:

Not loving him if he doesn't love you: If you have always dated this person but didn't love him until one day you felt that he loved you, then this could be a sign of love addiction

№2:

You always feel depressed when you are not in a relationship. If you feel bad or sick when you're alone, then there's a good chance you're a "love addict."

№3:

You always feel bad being alone. If you always feel bad when you're alone, this could be another sign of love addiction.

№4:

Falling in love often, some people fall in love more often than anyone else. If you're falling in love every few weeks, there's a good chance you might have a problem.

1) Understand the dynamics of love addiction and the intricacies of unhealthy relationships

In order to take the most important and very first step towards recovery, you need to understand the intricacies of love addiction, the characteristics of a love addict and his love-fleeing partner, and the dynamics of unhealthy relationships.

To get a complete picture of the problem you face in case of love addiction, you should read books dedicated to this disorder. You need to understand the mechanism of influence and manifestation of love addiction, the characteristics of behavioral patterns in relationships and the various cycles present during the implementation of this disorder, namely, the behavioral and emotional characteristics of a love addict and a partner running away from love, and other, no less important aspects of relationships.

Try to find as much information as possible about love addiction. Many books are devoted to this issue, in which this problem is considered from different points of view. Some books can rightfully be called good, some are not so good, but in any case you can find something useful for yourself in these books.

Moreover, if you want a complete recovery and long-term results, you first need to deal with the underlying factors of this problem - such as shame/low self-esteem, inability to set reasonable boundaries, unrealistic expectations associated with relationships, the desire to act in a role. savior and peacemaker, fear of being rejected and fear of close relationships.

Do I have a love addiction?

Know that you must find more than two of the previous points to make sure whether you are a relationship addict or not. The more signs you find, the more likely you are susceptible.

Remember that connections that are based on true love are the ones that last? And relationship addiction can lead to unstable relationships between a man and a woman.

The problem with love addiction is that it always leads to bad choices. The typical "addict" always experiences failure and disappointment in his romantic relationships.

You also need to understand that your subconscious mind is usually trying to hide the fact that you have an attachment problem in relationships. In other words, you will always assume that you are truly in love because your subconscious mind doesn't want to tell you that you have a love addiction problem.

So, the difference between true love and love addict will require a lot of courage on your part as you will have to face some unwanted emotions along the way. Reviewing your past is one very effective way to help you differentiate between true love and love addiction.

• Have you always done the same thing in your past relationships?
• Have you been madly in love many times?
• Have you always believed that the person you are with is alone?

By examining your past behavior in your previous affairs, you can easily determine if there was something serious going on or if you were just trying to satisfy this problem.

What is external dependence?

External addiction describes the state of depending on an external object or person to feel good or escape a bad mood.

Some people have become accustomed to facing their problems directly, while others have learned to run away from them, or even better, use painkillers to forget about them. External addiction is the use of an external pain reliever to forget about a problem rather than solve it.

Examples of external dependency

A person who uses drugs to escape a bad mood, one who drinks excessively when faced with a problem, and one who cannot live while they are single are considered people who suffer from external addiction.

Some people smoke to relieve stress, not because they actually enjoy smoking. Others may become addicted to a bad habit not because they really enjoy it, but because it helps them get rid of a bad mood, while a third group may go shopping when they feel bad to help themselves feel better.

The big problem with external addiction is that it prevents the person from ever facing his real problems and therefore they always remain unresolved. As a result of this behavior, problems continue to accumulate and increase until one day the personality is completely destroyed under their influence.

So many bad habits are actually caused by external addictions. Someone may develop a habit simply to help themselves cope with a problem in life that they cannot cope with. For example, a drug addict may use drugs to escape problems at work or any other emotional stress.

A typical person will not actually know that they are addicted to a certain habit due to external addiction. After all, most people would be embarrassed to admit that they use a certain habit to simply escape from something or cope with a situation.

This is why people will usually think that they are addicted to the habit itself, instead of realizing that they are simply using it to change their mood. Porn addiction is an example of a habit, where someone thinks they are addicted to a habit, but in reality they are just using it to change their mood.

The release of dopamine, a pleasure chemical, in large quantities in the brain, like watching porn, can help many people get rid of bad moods, at least temporarily.

External dependence and love addiction

Some people are outwardly dependent on love itself in such a way that they cannot live alone, they are called "lovers of love." Because falling in love releases many chemicals that regulate mood and help an individual feel better (at least in the early stages), some people become drug addicts to escape their problems.

In my consultations, I describe how addiction to relationships can be a major reason why people fail to recover quickly from a breakup. When one becomes overly dependent on a partner to avoid a bad mood, then, of course, breaking up with that partner becomes an impossible task.

One of the truly dangerous consequences of love addiction is that it makes a person vulnerable to any attempts to exploit his weakness. "Love lovers" are the fastest people who fall in love with each other, even if they don't really like the other one. Many people fall in love under the influence of love addiction to escape their problems, but then realize that they never loved the person they married and that they were simply avoiding their bad moods.

External dependence, as we have learned, can ruin your life in the long run. Even if it may help you feel good in the short term. If you are doing any of the previous actions, then it is time to become brave and face your problems. And don't make the same mistakes over and over again.

Contact and make an appointment Read about counseling and qualifications

Psychologist, hypnologist Natalya Korshunova ©

How to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind - examples

Addiction is the inability to see objective reality, to look the problem in the eye. I will give a vivid example from my psychological practice of how this can manifest itself in relationships.

• Elena is dating a married man – Vasily. Vasily promises her every week that he is about to leave his wife, and he and Elena will be happy together. Rose-colored glasses protect Elena from cruel reality: she does not notice that Vasily is doing his best to hide the fact of Elena’s existence from his wife. She doesn't pay attention to the fact that she has no right to call him herself. She also does not notice that only he can set the time and place of the meeting. She does not see that she is tied hand and foot in this relationship.

And even if Elena notices all this and gets angry, her brain still finds excuses for Vasily: “Apparently, this is necessary. He said that he didn’t want to hurt her. He'll tell you right after her birthday. He can’t delete her photo from his desktop, but she might suspect something. And we definitely need to wait for rain on Thursday so as not to hit her.”

The brain comes up with all these excuses in order not to traumatize Elena’s psyche. This is how the instinct of self-preservation works: in order to preserve the psyche, the brain adapts to the situation and creates the most comfortable conditions (thoughts) in order to leave everything as it is. This basic brain function was present in the very first people on earth. In those days, she saved a person from imminent death. The brain protected us from danger: “Don’t change anything, sit in this cave, don’t go far, there’s the unknown, you’ll freeze there, get stuck in a swamp, won’t find food, or you’ll be killed.”

At that time, this was really relevant, because death awaited at every turn. The brain did everything to leave a person in the so-called “comfort zone,” which essentially means “a place where one can survive, a place where it is safe.” And even if a person feels bad here, he is at least alive, and in the unknown there is a threat to his life.

Since those ancient times, the reality around us has changed a lot, but the firmware of the brain has remained the same. A person no longer lives in a cave and does not need a partner as much as air or water. But his brain still tightly protects him from any serious changes.

We can't do anything about the instinct of self-preservation, but we can learn to consciously live without addictions. After all, instinct is an unconscious thing. So how to get rid of love addiction and find peace of mind? How can you outwit your brain and learn to perceive reality consciously?

I present to you five specific steps, following which you will be able to get rid of love addiction and become a full-fledged, mature, psychologically healthy person.

Is it possible to stop?

It is difficult to cure addiction; the recovery process is very long. At the same time, experts prefer not to talk about recovery; they point only to stable or long-term remission. After all, there is always the possibility of failure. However, it is possible to reduce the impact of addiction on a person’s personality and life. For this you need:

1. Patient awareness of a problem.
2. Firm determination to get rid of addiction.
3. Support from loved ones and relatives.
4. Changing your social circle.
5. Lifestyle changes.
6. Getting rid of physical addiction: medications, detoxification therapy.
7. Treatment of psychological addiction by specialists: psychologists, psychiatrists, narcologists. Methods of individual, group, family psychotherapy, hypnosis, autogenic training and many others are used.

Addiction is a serious problem that can affect anyone. It is advisable to know about the warning signs, be able to notice them in time and contact a specialist. It is equally important to be attentive to loved ones. If symptoms of addiction appear, you should try to explain your concerns to the person and offer support.