How to survive betrayal. 7 steps to a new life | Psychology of life

Act solely in your own interests.

⠀If you found out about cheating due to someone’s “good” will (demonstrative SMS on the phone, marks left on a shirt, etc.), do not go to extremes and do not break off relations with your partner immediately. Give yourself time to analyze and cool down as much as possible. Then tune in to an open dialogue: ask calmly and with a cool mind the questions that concern you.

Talk to your partner - it is likely that in this case the “well-wisher” is leading you to a quick emotional breakup.

If you are told about cheating in hints or anonymously, think about the motive for such a message and whether everything is really as described to you. It is unlikely that a person friendly to you will act this way.

Try to find out the reasons

Even if you suspected that your spouse was unfaithful to you, the irrefutable fact of her betrayal that has surfaced will still hit you like a knife in the heart. But calm down, don’t give in to anger, because it won’t help you. Women have their own reasons that push them to cheat, and it’s worth understanding this, no matter whether you want to leave your unfaithful spouse or are thinking about how to survive your wife’s betrayal and be able to forgive her.

When you learn about your wife's infidelity, do not get excited and do not make hasty decisions. You should cool down and think carefully about everything in order to make a truly correct decision. Should I forgive my wife's betrayal? Do not think that forgiveness is the lot of weak men. Practice proves that only strong individuals can forgive and forget their wife’s betrayal, find the strength to live on and love their woman even more.

You need to find out the reasons why your wife committed such a “crime”. If men can have sex with their mistresses simply for the sake of sport, to satisfy a purely physical need, then for women everything is, as a rule, clear. If she slept with another man, it means she doesn't love you anymore. There is a second option - she was simply drunk and did not know what she was doing. But what’s on a sober person’s mind is on the drunken person’s tongue. It’s just that sooner or later she would cheat on you - her nature is to blame (although there may be exceptions when alcohol really clouded her brain).

Analyze your role in the current situation

There are very few pathological cheaters in serious relationships. In the overwhelming majority of cases, this is a man’s reaction to the circumstances that have developed within your interpersonal relationships. Repeated betrayal is likely only if the mistakes made are not corrected.

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A person and his love union are not the same thing. And male infidelity has nothing to do with your female defeat. Cheating does not devalue you or make you a victim or victim.

If you are faced with betrayal, think, evaluate the relationship, what you or your partner did not do enough in this union. Not for everyday life, not for financial well-being, mortgages or external markers of success, but specifically for relationships. This is a good reason to look at the situation soberly and finally take care of yourself. The revelation of betrayal is always a huge stress not only for the one who was cheated on, but also for the one who cheated.

How to forgive your wife's betrayal and move on with your life

I think the most normal and adequate option is not to present, not to get angry and not to blame each other for everything, husband and wife are one Satan, but to just talk. Find out the reasons for the betrayal, discuss the further development of the relationship. If there are children, then what should you do with the children, are you ready to leave or is there still an opportunity to forgive.

I understand, it’s simple for me now, I don’t feel all this betrayal in my soul, disappointment and misunderstanding. Although I can advise you to drive away your emotions through this technique:

Keep your emotions under control

Do not give excessive free rein to destructive emotions, try to realize what is really happening, and identify your own goals - how you want to solve this problem (save your family or union, separate comfortably, change your attitude towards what is happening, or simply start life again).

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Together is impossible. My husband proposes divorce - what should I do? Based on your and only your goal, build an algorithm of behavior with your man. In some cases, there is a chance to preserve the union and make it more pleasant for both partners, even after cheating. This is indeed possible, so don’t cut and burn bridges at once.

Mistakes and how to avoid them

The main mistake after a breakup is mutual accusations .
They will not help bring back the past, but they can ruin the future, especially if a person is inclined to revenge.

It is important to understand for yourself that the past is already in the past . He can't be returned. However, any person has a chance to influence their future.

Not everyone will like it if it contains only negative aspects. Perhaps the relationship after the betrayal will be restored in a few years.

Although this happens extremely rarely. During this period of time, you should not completely push the partner away from you. People tend to recognize their mistakes and correct themselves.

If a couple, after a breakup caused by infidelity, has to collide with each other, for example, at work, they should not pour out the accumulated negativity on their former companion . Communication should be polite and businesslike, but nothing more.

It is important to understand that although in the past people were connected by something, now they are no longer anyone for each other. Accordingly, your ex-spouse should be treated the same as any other work colleague.

Ask yourself questions. And answer them honestly

Don't get into your partner's soul. He may, under the influence of his condition or circumstances, say something that will resonate with serious pain in your heart, and the wounds after these words will take a long time to heal, and in a week the person himself will not even remember his words.

If your partner cheated, but does not try to make amends, you should not try to reason with him. In this case, it is better to turn to yourself and ask yourself a few questions:

How do I feel about what is happening to me? Do I agree to this?
How do I feel when all this happens: anger, irritation, resentment, sadness?
Am I ready to live in this situation and how long can I live like this?
What date (what period) do I set for myself to stop enduring all this?

What do men think about?

Female infidelity is a betrayal, a strong blow to a man and his pride. The news of a girl's infidelity is almost always unexpected and very painful. Is it worth forgiving a girl's betrayal? After all, the man feels that a replacement has been found for him, he has been humiliated and betrayed. At such moments, a man often has thoughts:

“Is it possible to forgive your wife’s betrayal?”
“How to forgive your wife’s betrayal and move on?”
“Why can’t you forgive a woman’s infidelity?”

and many others.

There is only one piece of advice - you should wait until the emotions subside, and then move on to negotiations.

First, you should listen to the man, the woman will understand what her betrayal means to her husband and then it will become clear whether there is any hope of saving the relationship or not. If the husband has forgiven his wife for his betrayal, the latter needs to make a lot of effort to regain trust.

What is the difference between male and female infidelity

Understand how critical the situation is

If a partner cheats regularly, but does not leave, it means that he believes that he is allowed to do so (even if subconsciously) and feels his power.

Usually such people are more confident in themselves. They arrange their lives so that finances and housing are under their control, they use double standards: “I can, but you can’t.”

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When a person cheats and no one stops him, his partner gradually takes up less and less space, falling into a dependent position. If you are able to live on your own, then it is better to end the relationship, because otherwise it will destroy your faith in yourself.

Dependent relationships cannot be complete and cannot fill you with resources. They are destructive.

My woman doesn't cheat on me, I cheat on her myself

There is a category of men who cheat on their woman left and right, and after they find out that their young lady has cheated on them, they begin to spread rot, humiliate her and get angry, sometimes even to the point of assault. Some men truly believe that their female is their property and they can do whatever they want. Is this behavior normal? From the point of view of society, no, from the point of view of nature, it doesn’t matter, the main thing is to multiply.

I am sure that men are like a pack of lions, there is one leader and several females around him. And such men want a similar harem. Although there is another opinion of mine, that this is just a lack of maternal love in childhood. And so he searches and searches and searches. But he's unlikely to find it. If you have such a problem, write to me in the contacts section, here you need to work on your inner child.

So, is it fair that a man can cheat, but a woman cannot? I think no, and it’s not in good conscience.

Analyze the goal.

If a person is not prone to cheating, but it still happened, perhaps an unconscious desire to destroy the relationship was at work.

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Leftist and marriage. What benefits can adultery bring? A man does not want to go through this alone; it is important for him to find someone on the side, someone who will support him in his desire to leave the relationship. The mistress often acts as an external support point. It becomes a tool for solving personal problems.

If you feel that the betrayal had precisely this purpose, leave the relationship and do not try to look for those responsible.

Break off the relationship or save it?

Having experienced the first emotional shock after betrayal, partners begin to ask one simple question - what to do next? There are only two options here - forgive or break up .

First of all, it is worth analyzing what connects the partners. If the marriage was built only on joint care of children, it is unlikely that it will be possible to save the relationship. On the other hand, if a couple has minor children, it makes sense to save the marriage so as not to leave them without one of their parents.

The reason for the betrayal is also an important factor. If it was a casual relationship under the influence of alcohol, there is no reason to worry. Of course, this is unpleasant, but we should not forget that the betrayal in this case occurred in a semi-inappropriate state, when the person did not control his thoughts and actions.

It's another matter if the partner deliberately cheated on his partner . The majority of couples then break up. Spouses cannot forgive each other that a person deliberately preferred someone else to them. This is primarily due to the feeling of humiliation experienced by the offended party. Dealing with it is not so easy.

In any case, it is important to remember that restoring a relationship after cheating is very difficult. You should not think that after reconciliation, the partners will immediately begin to communicate in the same way as before. Psychologists compare trust to a glass. When it falls, it breaks into many small pieces

They can be glued together, but nevertheless, traces of the fall will still be visible. Only a caring attitude and time can dull the bitterness of betrayal. This requires the mutual desire of both partners.

This video will show you how to survive betrayal and save your family:

What should you avoid if you find out about cheating?

The psychologist's advice indicates a list of actions that should be avoided in order not to complicate your life after your wife cheats. These are erroneous, stereotypical actions that many men take when they find themselves in a similar situation. So, what not to do:

do not say the first words that come to mind. By insulting your spouse and making hasty decisions in heated feelings, you can destroy the family forever, and then there will no longer be a chance to return the relationship. First think about your feelings for your wife, otherwise later you may deeply regret what you did;
do not raise your hand to your spouse. A man in anger is capable of terrible things. By crippling your wife, you will not only fall in your own eyes, but also strengthen her desire to leave you forever;
don't ignore your wife. At first, all conversations should be postponed until you regain your composure. Having calmed down, be sure to listen to what your wife tells you. Perhaps she repents of her actions;
don't look for the guilty. First of all, don't blame yourself. Try to calmly reflect on exactly what actions you might have pushed your spouse to do. This knowledge will be important for reconciliation and maintaining relationships (if you decide to forgive). However, self-criticism and self-blame will bring more despair and sadness than good. Remember that cheating is a conscious choice and cheating is your spouse's choice, not yours;
do not tell anyone about what happened except the psychologist if you decide to contact him. Discussing with friends or parents will only lead you to false conclusions. Their opinion should not influence your decision because it is only your family. In addition, if you reunite with your wife, you will not want sidelong glances and gossip from the “initiates”;
do not persuade or ask your wife to return. It’s better to discuss your spouse’s motives and your prospects in the relationship. If you both want to return the marriage, then this can be done without humiliation on your part;
do not take revenge on your wife or her lover. Don't have an affair as revenge. Remember that your lover is a living person with her own feelings. In addition, your mutual betrayal will only confuse the current situation, completely complicating the reunion;
don't threaten. Firstly, threats to health and life are criminal offenses. Secondly, it will lower you even more in the eyes of your spouse and rival.

If you can control these urges, you are already doing a good job. This is a big job that requires tremendous endurance.

Where does female infidelity come from?

If you decide to save your family and improve your relationship with your wife, then you will have to start by analyzing the reasons why the betrayal happened. This is necessary in order to eliminate the problem in the future, because if this is not done, then the wife will cheat again. But you probably don’t want this? To eliminate the reason that prompts your wife to cheat on you, you need to find out. This can be done either through a direct conversation with your wife or with the help of a psychologist who will offer the following options:

The wife cheats on her husband, who himself betrays her. A man in such a situation quite often allows himself to commit actions that he is not able to forgive his wife if she also commits them. A wife, seeing how her husband constantly looks at other women, flirts with them, even sleeps, may soon stop shedding tears and start cheating herself. The reason is obvious, as is the solution.
The wife is cheating because her husband has not been paying attention to her for a long time. Husbands often make the mistake of thinking that their wives don’t need anything else from them once the wedding is over and children are born. Women continue to need attention from the opposite sex. If a wife does not receive love, attention and other pleasant feelings from her husband, she can get it with her lover.
The wife cheats because of her lover's generosity or his money. Not all husbands are oligarchs. Not all women are happy to marry a millionaire. Having a family with an ordinary worker, a woman may not receive financial assistance from him or may be in dire need of additional money. If she comes across a man who gives her expensive gifts and even helps her financially, then she can become his mistress.
The wife cheats because her feelings for her husband have changed. With age, everything changes. Just as men change their views on their lives, so a woman can understand that she has connected her life with a good, but not always interesting, man.
The wife receives sexual satisfaction. Not only men can cheat for sex, but also women. This can happen if the husband has stopped sleeping with his wife altogether or has stopped satisfying her sexually, having sex automatically.
The wife is curious. Women also like variety, not only in sex, but also in feelings.
My wife fell in love. This is possible in families where spouses have been together for a long time, their feelings have subsided, and then opportunities appear that excite passion and love.
The wife is under stress or crisis. Her husband does not show attention or understanding to her, so she found all this on the side.
The wife has already stopped loving her husband, does not respect him and wants to leave.

Knowing the reasons for female infidelity, you can understand what actions will help the husband forgive his wife and return her back to the family in order to renew the relationship.