Love addiction: 15 tools for getting rid of painful cravings

Each era has its own cult. There are cults that go back to ancient times and still continue to stir the minds of humanity in general and each of us in particular. This is a cult of love. Love does not have a clear definition, and the older a person gets, the more difficult it is for him to understand what it means. Ask a child what love is, and he will definitely give you the answer: it is caring about his friends, the desire to spend time with them and share toys, it is a mother who kisses and hugs you, and you want to kiss and hug her back. This is when the sun is shining and the wonderful weather is conducive to playing in the yard all day, and then eating ice cream on the bench and laughing at jokes - your own and those of others.

Children understand love more simply, and perhaps that is why they see great happiness in it. It’s strange, because it is generally accepted that real awareness of love comes much later!

How to get rid of love addiction

It is deceptive to make all interest in life dependent on such intense feelings as love.
Maria Skladovskaya-Curie

• 1.What is love addiction?
• 2. The nature of love addiction
• 3.Symptoms of love addiction
• 4.Test: Do you have a love addiction? 4.1.Key to the test
• 4.2. Test results 4.2.1.0-5 points
• 4.2.2.6-11 points
• 4.2.3.12-17 points

• Signs that a man likes you
• Why is a man afraid of the woman he is in love with?
• How to seduce a woman?
• Signs that a guy likes you
• How to determine if a man needs you?

What is love addiction?

With age, what people understand as love for some reason begins to bring them suffering.
Not seeing the object of their sublime feelings, they become despondent, cannot be happy about anything, and are desperately waiting for a message or meeting. Everything that was important to them until now loses its meaning: the abyss of despair drags in, and life turns into waiting for a meeting or conversation. But even constant presence with the object of your feelings rarely brings relief from suffering: a manic desire arises to be with a person around the clock, to absorb all his time, and, to be honest, to completely dissolve in him. At this stage, most relationships, even those that were previously quite harmonious, begin to collapse: no person likes it when his freedom is encroached upon.

The lover, of course, receives friendly support: most of his friends have experienced this many times, and will definitely say that time will heal all wounds. You need to take care of yourself, distract yourself, and maybe become an ideal in order to match the object of your fantasies. Few people will voice one simple truth: everything that happens has nothing to do with love.

.

Why did we give an example of how children see love? Because they do not yet experience any suffering when thinking about love. As we age, society, classic novels, songs heard on the radio teach us more and more that love is associated with suffering. That it is right to experience terrible torment, because thousands have already been in our place, and thousands will someday be.

The truth is that love has nothing to do with the suffering with which it is somehow identified. If a person cannot live even a day (as many songs say) without the object of his passion, this is not at all a reason to throw all his strength into forcing an impregnable fortress to capitulate. This is a reason to start an honest dialogue with yourself and admit one immutable truth: what is happening to you is, alas, not love, but real addiction. And the torment you experience is not a symptom that accompanies true love. They are rather similar to what drug addicts experience when they are unable to get their dose of the drug.

Why does a person become addicted?

Reasons for dependent relationships

• emotional immaturity;
• low self-esteem and self-doubt;
• unwillingness to bear responsibility;
• fear of loneliness;
• psychological trauma, including childhood trauma;
• improper upbringing;
• complexes that form erroneous fears;
• frequent criticism and lack of praise;
• lack of adequate motivation;
• the desire to become ideal for someone, and not for oneself;
• conflicts with one’s own “I”;
• incorrect assessment of one's strengths.

The nature of love addiction

"Love Pills"

Love addiction is a complex and not fully understood thing. Experts still have not agreed on why some people are susceptible to it and others are not. However, there is a group of people (most of them women) who may encounter this in their life journey.

As a rule, romantic natures, prone to daydreaming and idealization, find an object that at least approximately corresponds to their ideal and themselves add to its image the necessary features that it sometimes does not possess at all. Another and, alas, quite large group are insecure people suffering from low self-esteem. Even routine compliments and light flirting can ignite them and make them fall in love with a person who is completely unaware of the power of his polite smile.

Such women are internally afraid that this is the last person who will pay attention to them and therefore cling to him like a straw. Alas, they have little chance of winning a worthy place in the life of the object of their desire: few people will be interested in a woman who identifies herself with a dog at the feet of her owner.

Types of psychological dependence on a person

Love

It all starts like in a fairy tale: lovers are together all the time, enjoy each other and don’t need anyone. But when hormones subside, there is a desire to devote time to other things or people. Healthy relationships move to the next stage, and toxic ones begin to collapse. The dependent partner perceives such aspirations as a loss of interest in his person, betrayal and dislike. He begins to be “eaten up” by jealousy, resentment, and anger. All this results in an endless stream of quarrels, manipulations and even threats.

Friendly

The picture is very similar to love addiction, with the only difference that the characters are friends. The same jealousy takes place, the fear of losing a loved one, the urgent need for his presence nearby. If a friend makes a new acquaintance or significant other, the addict falls into a stupor, experiences strong resentment, anger, and feels betrayed.

Parental

It is formed in early childhood due to improper upbringing. As a rule, these are despotic parents with a totalitarian parenting style, who themselves are deeply unhappy or have become victims of circumstances (from a single-parent family, unloved, with psychological trauma). They use every means to suppress the child’s desire for independence, thus cultivating a huge number of complexes.

Such parents are afraid of loneliness, because if their child no longer needs them, they will lose the meaning of life. Therefore, they try to keep him near them: they invent illnesses, promise an inheritance, make threats. At the same time, depriving a maturing person of the opportunity to develop socially important skills (bear responsibility, make decisions, adequately assess their capabilities).

Symptoms of love addiction

• Inability to concentrate
  Even the most important tasks and problems fade into the background. You can spend the whole day waiting for a phone call, forgetting about your direct responsibilities, and your previous interests and hobbies no longer arouse enthusiasm in you.
• Obsessive thoughts
  The image of your lover or lover haunts you around the clock. You fall asleep and wake up thinking about when you can meet next time, you are terribly worried if the meeting does not take place, and the mere thought that he or she may have a second half can drive you into hysterics. The image haunts you around the clock: you constantly play out possible options for meetings and conversations in your head.
• Nervousness
  Love-dependent people get irritated for any reason, especially if they cannot be near the object of their passions. This can alienate them from friends and loved ones.
• Depression
  Love addiction is almost always accompanied by depression: the addict does not feel reciprocity and falls into despair, starting to look for shortcomings in himself and trying to correct them. He is constantly in a bad mood, and the only thing that can somehow improve it is a fleeting meeting or conversation.

Let's start to act

Every girl who has gone through a divorce or just a difficult breakup knows that it is impossible to build a happy relationship right away. First you need to understand how to get rid of love addiction and survive your own love.

Psychologists say that after separation, at least half of the duration of the relationship should pass, and after divorce, at least two thirds. Thus, after three years of marriage, a person will need about two years to recover.

Overcoming your own feelings is not easy, and getting remarried is even more difficult. But if you don’t try to free yourself from the shackles of the past, you may simply not notice your own future.

To the question of how to get rid of emotional dependence, psychologists do not give a definite answer - as many people, as many opinions. At one time, after a difficult and difficult breakup, I felt only one desire - to be cured, it was like a fever.

My love and feelings for a man made me not a person, but a real animal. Then I took the advice of my spiritual mentor.

My spiritual mentor explained to me that a person is not only a body. We have a soul, we have nerves and we have a physical shell. All these substances are closely related to each other, and if we change one thing, then everything changes at once.

After the breakup, I naturally needed to be treated, all my chronic diseases worsened, I felt tired, irritable... Traditional doctors did not know how to treat me, and insisted that I was simply overtired - they say, I needed to rest. What kind of rest can there be if I can’t cope with myself? I wanted to occupy myself with at least something, and I began to build a new life literally brick by brick.

Test: Do you have a love addiction?

“I love so much that I can’t live without him!” the woman thinks, looking at her chosen one.
She is deeply convinced that her feelings and thoughts are a manifestation of true love. And there's an eternity ahead. But years pass, and the happy light fades in the eyes. Relationships bring less and less joy, and more and more pain and disappointment. The stronger the feelings, the more severe the consequences. A vicious circle arises: a man destroys a woman’s life, but she doesn’t want to let him go or is unable to.

It is not love, but love addiction that leads to such a sad outcome. And recognizing it at the beginning of a relationship is quite difficult.

Take our test and find out if you are building a mechanism of self-destruction in your soul.

Question 1: When you started dating your partner, did your life change a lot?

• A. My life began to belong to my loved one. I started spending all my time next to him: caring, protecting, helping (including financially). Former friends and hobbies faded into the background.
• B. My life was filled with happiness and became more complete, but I remained myself. I still work, communicate with friends, I have my own interests and hobbies.

Question 2. Your loved one went to another city for a week. What do you feel?

• A. I miss him, I call periodically, but I try not to dwell on his absence. I switch my attention to something else: friends, relatives, hobbies, work.
• B. I suffer greatly, I call my loved one several times every day, send SMS, I can’t think about anything or anyone else except him.

Question 3. How do you feel about your partner’s shortcomings?

• A. I accept my loved one as he is. After all, all people have shortcomings and advantages.
• B. I help my partner get rid of them. I believe he can and should improve.

Question 4. What do you value more in a relationship with your loved one?

• A. Romance, passion and good sex.
• B. Mutual trust, understanding and support.

Question 5. You have planned a romantic date with your partner for Friday evening. The long-awaited day has come, but your loved one called you, complained about the rush and asked to reschedule the meeting. Your reaction.

• A. I’m very offended. Why is work more important to him than me?
• B. Most likely, I will be upset. But I will try to treat the situation with understanding, anything can happen.

Question 6. How do you feel about the idea of ​​marriage?

• A. So far I feel good with my loved one.
• B. Get married at any cost! I love my partner, I don't need anyone else.

Question 7. Are you trying to control your chosen one?

• A. I should know everything about him. Firstly, it reduces the risk that he will be taken away by another woman. Secondly, I need to give my loved one the right advice in life. That is why I often call him and ask him about any little things at home.
• B. No, our relationship is built on trust.

Question 8. Are you ready to sacrifice work (your favorite thing, business, hobby) as a sacrifice to your relationship?

• A. Ready!
• B. No. I want to be not only a beloved woman, but also to realize myself.

Question 9. Do you often make scandals and hysterics for your loved one?

• A. Yes.
• B. No.

Question 10. Your partner decided to change his field of professional activity because he found himself in another business. But he already has a good position and a high income, and in case of changes he will have to start all over again. What will your actions be?

• A. We must dissuade him from this stupidity at any cost.
• B. I will support my loved one, even if difficulties arise. He has the right to do with his life as he sees fit.

Question 11. Would you like a man to provide for you, and you don’t have to work?

• A. We need to support each other, and both should contribute to the family budget.

• B. Yes, because a man by nature is a breadwinner.
  Question 12. If your loved one betrayed you, would you continue the relationship?
• A. A loved one can be forgiven for everything.

B. No. He who betrayed once is capable of betraying a second time.

Question 13. Do you think a man’s friends should also be your friends?

• A. Of course, because we are one whole.
• B. A man and a woman can have mutual friends. Or maybe everyone has their own. This is fine.

Question 14: Which description suits you best when it comes to relationships?

• A. I remain myself and allow my partner to do the same.
• B. I try to be the ideal woman for my beloved: a good housewife, a passionate lover and a faithful friend.

Question 15. Are you afraid that your loved one might leave you?

• A. I am calm for myself.
• B. I'm afraid.

Question 16. Do you think a woman can be happy when she doesn’t have a loved one?

• A. Yes. Happiness depends only on ourselves.
• B. No. Without love, life cannot be complete.

Question 17. Are you worthy of your man's love?

• A. Yes.
• B. Although my man loves me, in my heart I understand that he could find a more worthy woman (smart, beautiful, sexy, interesting, caring, and so on).

Key to the test

Test results

If you have typed...

0-5 points

You are a harmonious person, and your feelings are filled with light and goodness. In love, you do not lose yourself, and therefore are able to create a happy union.

6-11 points

You are in love and tend to idealize your partner. Be careful how you feel and don't forget about your life: friends and family, work, hobbies, interests and goals.

12-17 points

Your feelings have developed into a painful state - love addiction. It makes you vulnerable. Any wrong step on the part of your partner - and your happiness can collapse like a house of cards. Stop and remember that there is a lot of interesting and useful things in life besides relationships.

Developing your coping skills

To properly end your love addiction and ensure that the problem does not return, you need to develop your coping skills. As you may have noticed, the problem can occur because the person does not have enough skills to deal with life's problems or unwanted emotions.

In other words, when people are feeling down, they look for quick painkillers to help them face the pain, and one of the most popular painkillers is love.

Now, even if you have resolved the problem, you may relapse if you do not gain enough skills to deal with the problem.

Learning to stay single

In many cases, relationship addiction occurs because the individual does not have enough emotional capacity to remain single. In other words, as soon as the “addict” finds himself alone, he feels very bad and strives for a new romance.

Now the ability to remain alone can only be achieved if you have studied the psychology of love well, and also know how to properly recover from a breakup without leaving marks in your heart.

When you learn how to recover from a relationship properly, you won't have much of a problem with loneliness until you meet the right person, and as a result, you won't have problems with love addiction.

How to deal with this addiction?

How to fight this addiction?

Love addiction will continue until you understand that this destructive, painful feeling has nothing to do with love. It is not just not like love, it is the opposite of love, which brings lightness, joy, sows peace and harmony in your soul.

Should I go to a psychotherapist? Many people advise visiting a specialist, but you can get rid of this disease (and it’s difficult to find another word) on your own. The first step is awareness. The realization that you are holding an image in your head that does not actually exist. It doesn't matter how good the person is. He may have a hundred positive qualities, but this does not make him the God to whom you willingly pray and sacrifice your thoughts, feelings and time. No one needs this, and first of all, you yourself.

In addition to advantages, every person also has disadvantages. Being in a state of addiction, it is difficult to realize that your ideal is not so perfect, but certain volitional efforts will help you understand this. So, to get rid of addiction, you must clearly understand that you want to find peace and harmony in your soul.

Look at your schedule. Maybe you don't work or study enough? Do you now have too much free time, which you have filled with empty dreams? Start fulfilling your direct tasks, find a new hobby that will require mental and physical effort from you.

By forcing yourself to focus on other things, you will begin to notice that you worry less and less about the things that once haunted you. Join a gym or take a foreign language class: Meeting new people who share your interests will definitely help take your mind off things. And success in mastering a new discipline will have a positive impact on your self-esteem.

How you perceive yourself matters a lot too. If before this time you were inspired by the dream of meeting your “soul mate,” then it is better to throw these thoughts out of your head. Do you really think that without a partner you are incomplete? That just by meeting him, you will finally find yourself, raise your self-esteem, be happy and live a full life?

Alas, like attracts like

. Until you understand that the source of your happiness and confidence lies within yourself, you will suffer from loneliness or meet people who are ready to assert themselves at your expense. Do you really love your suffering so much that you would spend your entire life wallowing in self-pity?

Emotional dependence on a person

Emotional addiction (dependence) is a pathological attachment to the object of love, due to which a person loses his personality, turning into a “shadow of his partner.”
An emotionally dependent person is unable to take responsibility for his feelings. Experiencing negative emotions (sadness, grief, grief, anxiety, depression), he cannot recognize them, accept them and cope with them. He does not understand the very reason for these feelings, which leads to the need for approval from others. This addiction becomes very strong, since the partner’s praise and attention determines the personal value of the addict.

It takes great courage to find strength and use your strengths in the fight against addiction. But this must be done first of all in order not to lose yourself and realize your true potential.

Important: it is normal for partners to have a certain emotional dependence. But where personal boundaries are erased, self-destruction begins.

Differences between addiction and love

1. Addiction is based on the fear of loneliness, while love is based on happiness.
2. Pathological jealousy due to lack of trust - a dependent person experiences it even when there are no visible reasons or threats to the relationship. That is, any, even the most insignificant manifestation of attention to other people is perceived very painfully. Love is based on complete trust.
3. The need to always be close and the pathological fear of changes in the life of a partner - partly stems from jealousy, and partly from the fear that the partner will meet someone better. Therefore, a dependent person strives for total control. In love, there is freedom that allows you to develop (and not only as a couple, but also personally), and not get hung up.
4. Evidence of love - a dependent person always demands sacrifices for the sake of love. Due to low self-esteem, he constantly needs confirmation of his value from his partner. True love makes people happy, and does not force them to sacrifice themselves.
5. One always gives without receiving anything in return, while the other only takes (willingly or unwittingly). Equality reigns in love.
6. A very painful attitude towards refusals - the addict always gets little attention from his partner. Because he paid too high a price for this relationship, giving up his personal goals and interests. A person finds himself locked in his own trap. In love, partners respect each other’s personal space and desires, treating refusals adequately.

Important: whoever does not know how to love himself is not able to love another. He can only become involved in a destructive relationship or game in which he will be a loser.

How to overcome dependence on a person: advice from a psychologist

Sport will be an excellent medicine. By improving his body, a person gains self-confidence and increases his self-esteem. Yoga helps to cope with negative emotions, and dancing helps to get rid of accumulated energy. Psychologists also recommend engaging in creativity, leading an active social life, and under no circumstances withdrawing into yourself. New acquaintances, hobbies, and success at work give positive emotions, which are extremely necessary when getting rid of addiction to another person.

Why you need to get rid of addiction

Emotional dependence is very dangerous, especially when a person cannot recognize it in time to avoid negative patterns (patterns of behavior):

Loss of self-esteem

Starting from low self-esteem, emotional dependence completely destroys self-confidence. Internal conflict grows, destroying one’s own “I” and relationships. Because the connection with the personality that the person was at the beginning of the relationship is lost.

Isolation and loss of social skills

Finding yourself in a toxic and all-consuming relationship, a person becomes isolated. When communication with the outside world is cut off, he quickly loses the social skills that are invaluable for long-term happiness. This encourages unconstructive self-criticism, making the situation even worse.

Physical and psychological violence

Isolating oneself with a partner on whom one relies entirely increases the risk of physical and psychological violence in a relationship.

At some point, the object of love may mistake dependence for weakness. This situation leads to an imbalance of power and to the fact that the partner takes a “dominant role.” The longer the isolation occurs, the more sinister this domination can become. After all, when one partner sees that the happiness of the other is completely dependent on him, it becomes easier for him to exert pressure, manipulate, act hostilely or even contemptuously. Destruction of well-being

When dependence on another person is deeply ingrained, it becomes an important part of who the person is. It plays a decisive role in everything that concerns emotions, and therefore well-being. A dependent person suffers from dysphoric (painfully low) mood, depression, strong feelings of guilt, emptiness, loneliness (despite even the status of the relationship).

Important: the healthiest type of relationship is interdependent, as this is the “golden mean”. Interdependence also means that a person is acutely aware of his or her emotional needs and makes personal efforts to meet them rather than at the expense of others.