Genophobia: causes and treatment of fear of intimacy

This article will be useful to anyone who has encountered fears in intimate relationships and wants to overcome them.

Fears in the sexual sphere can lead to anorgasmia, premature ejaculation, inability to enter into relationships, loneliness, depression and even suicide attempts.

The most common fears are:

• fear of not conforming to cultural or social norms
• fear of rejection
• fear of violence
• fear of the unknown
• fear of having sex and not meeting the other's expectations

Fear of cultural inadequacy

A client who professed Islam approached me. She complained of depressed mood and anxiety. The client studied at the university, was successful, worked, and maintained a good relationship with her parents.

I worked with her feelings and beliefs using cognitive behavioral and art therapy approaches, which can quickly bring about improvement in situations like this. There was no result.

I was already thinking about recommending medical help, when the client admitted that she had fallen in love with a young man of a different religion, that she was experiencing strong sexual attraction, but suppressed it within herself, was ashamed and afraid. She felt confused because she did not want to give up her faith and was sure that the young man would not accept her religion. She didn't know what to do.

We carefully analyzed the internal conflict, talked for a long time about her personality, values, and ideas about happiness. This helped her make a decision.

Symptoms

Coitophobia is a type of fear that causes discomfort in everyday life. The inability to relax in the arms of a loved one can soon become a big obstacle in a couple’s relationship. Therefore, timely treatment will help to avoid many problems with the psyche and personal life. The main thing is to recognize the symptoms of sexual fear in time and take the necessary measures.

The symptoms of this disorder are quite unusual, but understandable and even noticeable from the outside. A person who has a fear of intimacy may behave very distantly towards others, especially towards members of the opposite sex. Accidental touching or the sight of a bare part of the body on the beach can lead to confusion. When people suffering from a psychological disorder enter into a relationship, even an innocent kiss can become a whole ordeal for them.

Like any other phobia, a type of intimophobia can be accompanied by panic attacks and nervous breakdowns, which are accompanied by symptoms:

• fainting conditions;
• dyspnea;
• chills;
• sweating;
• desire to hide;
• aversion to genitals;
• reluctance to perceive oneself as a sexually attractive object.

Trying to cope with a problem on his own and forget about it, a person may encounter a number of mental obstacles that he cannot overcome.

For example, we can note the reluctance of a woman to enter into an intimate relationship with her husband, the reason for which is the inability in her thoughts to let go of the resentment for inattention to herself or betrayal.

Girls and boys experience fear before their first time. Losing virginity is difficult on a moral level. All the young man’s thoughts are occupied with thinking about how this happens. During such a period, young people notice echoes of the problem everywhere and in everything: in films, on the street among friends - everything resembles the fear of losing virginity. The solution to the problem will come when the time is right. You just have to wait.

Fear of sex - fear of not conforming to social stereotypes

The Internet and popular culture offer countless stereotypes that have nothing to do with reality:

• “sex should last thirty minutes - no more and no less”
• “my body should be 90-60-90 to be attractive”
• “many sexual partners are the key to one’s own attractiveness”

In the recent film “I'm Losing Weight,” a young man breaks off a relationship because of a girl's appearance, finds the “ideal of sexuality,” but ultimately loses love. And the heroine, through working on her body, comes to her real self, to the feelings that were hidden in the depths. She meets her fears and ultimately becomes herself, free from the opinions of others.

How to increase self-esteem

Why are men afraid5

If among representatives of the weaker half of humanity the fear of sexual life is exclusively of psychological and physiological origin, then men are characterized by a combination of psychological and emotional factors. Thus, the most common reasons for turning to a psychologist are:

• Childhood and adolescence spent in the company of an oppressive mother or grandmother. This contributes to the formation of a persistent fear of the female sex and, accordingly, of any form of relationship, including sex;
• Fear of failure in bed. This subconscious fear of sex is directly related to the fear of not satisfying a woman in bed. It can be aggravated by the fact that he has already been ridiculed once and, accordingly, humiliated by his partner.
• A man’s low self-esteem in itself does not allow him to relax and enjoy his intimate life;
• Sexual failures in previous relationships;
• Inability to open up to your partner and express your true feelings.”
• Panic fear of blood prevents a man from starting intercourse due to the fact that he is afraid of the onset of his critical days at this very moment;
• Fear of intercourse with a virgin due to reluctance to hurt her.

Fear of violence

A client who experienced sexual abuse many years ago was unable to open up and trust the partner she had fallen in love with. She couldn’t find the strength to talk about it, because there was pain and unshed tears inside. She was unconsciously afraid of repetition.

How to overcome your fear of sex? In such a situation, a soft, delicate conversation, psychotherapy, and work with psychological trauma and its consequences are useful. A person must form the position “you can’t do this with me”, “I can protect myself” - allow yourself to get angry, express emotions, recognize your own value, realize your own psychological resources.

What causes fear of sex: causes of genophobia

Fear of sex is not an innate quality. The occurrence of fear of sex does not depend on a person’s temperament. Almost always, the reasons for the formation of a phobia are psychological and social aspects.

The main culprit for fear of sexual relations in women has “historical roots.” From caring grandmothers and mothers, mythical tales filled with prejudices regarding intimacy are passed on to their granddaughters and daughters. Often the desire to protect their child from unhappy love forces mothers to tell all sorts of nasty things about men who communicate with ladies with supposedly one goal - to satisfy their lust. The little girl and young girl grows up surrounded by stories of how an unfortunate woman was used, knocked up and abandoned alone with a child. Such an evil atmosphere and hostility towards the stronger sex is often present in families where a child is raised without a father. From an early age, a girl is imbued with the idea that having sex is tantamount to crippling her destiny. She is afraid of communicating with men, afraid of an unwanted pregnancy, and worried about being abandoned.

Another reason for fear of sex is the lack of truthful knowledge about intimate life. Very often, young girls are sure that sexual intercourse is necessarily associated with pain. They are convinced that sex life is the source of health problems and the culprit of various intractable diseases. Fear of experiencing pain and fear of infection are the foundation for the formation of genophobia.

A common cause of fear of intimate relationships is the sanctimonious, puritanical model of raising children. Many strictly pious parents “zombify” their children by teaching them that sex is unnecessary, shameful and immoral. Ascetic mothers and fathers convince their children that first sexual contact is possible only after the marriage ceremony

Often, fear of sexual intercourse is based on negative personal experiences that have taken place in a person’s life. Experienced sexual violence is a real reason for the onset of the disorder. However, fear of sex can also occur in those individuals who have faced physical aggression or moral violence from the opposite sex. Mental trauma received from communicating with partners forms a “protective” program, the essence of which is this: in order to be safe, it is necessary to avoid all contacts with the opposite sex.

A common cause of the disorder is a painful or uncomfortable first sexual encounter with an inexperienced, careless, inattentive, or overly persistent partner. Unpleasant experiences and painful sensations experienced during sex force a person to be afraid and reject all further offers from a life partner.

A typical cause of genophobia is a human inferiority complex. An individual who considers himself a worthless and useless creature is sure that in his future there cannot be normal relationships with the opposite sex. He is convinced that he will definitely fail in an intimate meeting. He believes that he cannot satisfy his partner. Such a subject is very afraid of being ridiculed, criticized, rejected. Lack of self-confidence leads to the fact that a person simply does not dare to enter into contact with the opposite sex. And the pathological fear of sex is a kind of argument that “calms” the individual and gives her excuses for inaction.

Another culprit of genophobia is the “failure” that took place in an intimate meeting. Often, due to fatigue or the presence of any problems, a man cannot demonstrate all his power and abilities. And not every woman is able to react wisely and calmly to a man’s “bummer.” Criticism and reproaches towards a man, psychological discomfort and a feeling of shame create a fear of sex, since a man is afraid to once again receive evidence of his inadequacy.

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Fear of trying new things

In couples with experience, sex becomes less frequent and sensations become dull. Take a closer look - do you know everything about your partner? It is important to experiment, imagine and implement. Couples who live new experiences together (travel, meet new people, engage in creative activities) are more satisfied with their life together.

Test for a couple: 6 main questions

Solution

Your doctor can provide you with a medication solution to the problem. He will also prescribe a couple of psychotherapy sessions that will help get rid of obsessive thoughts and phobias. Taking sedatives will calm and relax you, giving you time to calmly think through your problems.

A hypnosis session will help you overcome fear. A specialist will help you enter a hypnotic state and find the root of all troubles. After a deep psychoanalysis, the doctor will eliminate the fear of intimacy.

You can independently develop a plan to eliminate your phobias. Try meditation, choosing the most relaxing poses for yourself. Immerse yourself in a deep state of nirvana, renounce earthly problems.

Try to distract yourself with a new hobby or get yourself a pet. A dog will help you put your thoughts in order and will be a friend with whom you can share your fears.

If you're suffering in the lead-up to your first time, try to distract yourself with movies and literature. Analyze in detail cases similar to yours. Try to talk about your fear with your lover, find a solution together.

Fear of not living up to another's expectations (expectation of sexual failure syndrome)

A young married couple came to the reception. They complained about misunderstandings, conflicts, and dissatisfaction with sex.

It turned out that each partner is focused on the ideal image of the other, which lives in his head. He more often mentally communicates with a virtual copy of his partner than with him himself, and answers questions for him as he imagines. The woman wanted more stimulation of the clitoris and did not like the taste of sperm during oral sex, but she was afraid to say so, so as not to offend the man. The man sought to ensure “dynamics”, not really feeling what he wanted.

Don’t be afraid to be “uncomfortable” for others, that’s the only way you will become yourself.

Genophobia

Genophobia, also known as coitophobia, is the fear of sexual intercourse. People with this fear may fear all sexual acts in general or only the sexual act itself in particular. The term genophobia is sometimes used interchangeably with erotophobia or fear of sex, but the two concepts are actually different. Genophobia specifically describes the fear of sexual intercourse, while erotophobia more broadly defines any fear related to sexuality.

How to get rid of fear of sex

1. Discuss fears openly with your partner.
2. If you're hesitant to discuss it with your partner, talk to a close friend or counselor first.
3. Love and accept your body. Masturbation is normal!
4. Study your body. How can my partner guess what I like in sex if I don’t know it myself?
5. Find out the other person's feelings about sex and share yours. Your partner won’t be able to get into your head, and you won’t be able to get into his.
6. Share your sexual fantasies with each other.
7. Adjust your beliefs, be flexible. Sex is normal, necessary, beautiful and healthy.
8. Accept your aggression, the desire to possess others.
9. Be yourself. Explore yourself, trust yourself. Respect the rules and norms of society and choose what makes you happy.

Causes of intimophobia

Factors that provoke the development of fear of intimacy include certain psychological traumas and mistakes in raising a child. Problems with establishing and maintaining close relationships occur with certain accentuations and character traits.

Narcissism

Narcissism manifests itself in preoccupation with fantasies about one’s successes, the search for external approval and admiration to confirm one’s importance, and attempts to control the opinions of others about oneself. When interacting with other people, narcissists try their best to appear “the best.” Any imaginary or real shortcomings are carefully hidden.

Naturally, constantly shining and creating the illusion of perfection can only be achieved from a distance. When an individual with narcissistic traits begins a relationship that has the potential to become quite intimate, he panics. The narcissist feels that if he lets his partner close enough, he will reveal his deception and understand how far he actually is from the ideal image that he tried to create.

The thought of someone finding out about his failure evokes deep feelings of fear and shame in the narcissist's soul. After all, he believes that if he appears before other people as he really is, with all his shortcomings and flaws, he will lose their respect and love. The risk of being rejected and humiliated as a result of “exposure” makes the narcissist avoid emotional intimacy and frank conversations with his partner.

Narcissistic traits are acquired as a result of receiving a destructive attitude from parents: “Don’t be yourself - be the way I want!” This happens when parents show their love and approval only when they see the child's desired behavior, and natural manifestations of personality are condemned or ignored. Often the child is required to achieve success in areas in which adults themselves could not succeed.

Unfortunately, the child's needs are ignored. The baby gets the feeling that he has no value in himself, and has the right to the love of his parents (read: the right to exist in this world) only if he meets their expectations, which in fact are obviously impossible to fulfill. As a result, the child forms an idealized, that is, illusory, “I-concept” and begins to reject his true “I”.

A negative assessment of one’s personality persists into adulthood. The narcissist continues to hide himself, his true desires and weaknesses not only from his parents, but also from the rest of the world, confident that he will receive nothing but contempt and ridicule in return for sincerity. As a result, a fear of intimacy develops - not only the fear of exposing one’s shortcomings, but also the fear of admitting affection for a partner, showing tenderness and love.

Schizothymia

Persons with a schizoid personality organization are characterized by isolation, introversion, and excessive immersion in their inner world. Non-contact, the desire to maintain distance in communication is a characteristic feature of this type.

From the outside, such people often create the impression of cold and insensitive persons. However, psychotherapists believe that one of the reasons for the development of schizothymia is acute sensitivity, which causes emotional detachment.

An over-controlling, overly critical, as well as over-involved, overprotective parenting style leads to the development and consolidation of schizoid traits. The child feels such manifestations of parental love and care as too invasive, suffocating, and destroying his personality. To maintain the integrity of his “I,” the baby gets used to withdrawing into himself and maintains an avoidant pattern of behavior into adulthood.

The schizoid tries to protect himself from unauthorized intrusions from other people, avoiding building close relationships. Any emotional intimacy is regarded as “intimacy with the absorbing parent” and is suppressed in advance. Attempts by friends or a partner to violate the invisible boundary that a schizoid sets between himself and the rest of the world are perceived by him at the subconscious level as a threat to his existence. At the same time, a schizoid may passionately desire intimacy and suffer from loneliness. However, fear of intimacy overcomes separation anxiety.

The situation is aggravated by the increased sensitivity of the schizoid and the lack of psychological defenses characteristic of other psychotypes. As a result, they perceive what is happening on a non-verbal level more subtly than others. The problem is that declaring hidden processes seen is not always socially acceptable or simply decent, and a schizoid runs the risk of running into misunderstanding or aggression. And he himself often accuses people who deny things that are obvious to him of insincerity. Thus, withdrawal into oneself and reluctance to be close is partly explained not by automatic defense of the psyche, but by a person’s conscious decision.

Traumatic experience

Fear of intimacy also develops as a result of traumatic experiences acquired at a more conscious age. Victims of emotional and physical abuse have difficulty socializing, including forming close relationships. Betrayed trust instills in the soul the fear of opening up to a new partner and experiencing pain again. A person concludes that living alone or at least keeping a distance from a partner is much safer.

A blow, which also results in the formation of the attitude “love is destructive, dangerous,” can be the death of a loved one. The bitterness of loss gives rise to fear in the soul of getting closer, getting to know each other, and becoming attached to new people.

Fear of intimacy

A common reason for fear of sexual intimacy is fear of a partner’s negative reaction to a person’s real or imaginary physical disabilities. Inconsistency with socially accepted standards of beauty, as well as criticism of appearance by a previous sexual partner or other significant person, causes uncertainty about one’s attractiveness.

In a fit of physical passion, a person often loses control over himself and involuntarily exposes not only his body, but also carefully hidden sides of his personality. Therefore, behind the fear of sex, the same fear of psychological intimacy may be revealed.

Factors that provoke fear of intimacy also include:

• lack of sexual experience;
• negative sexual experience;
• prevailing stereotypes about sex (fear of appearing easily accessible, untied, fear of being subjected to physical violence in women, fear of sexual failure in men);
• fear of contracting sexually transmitted diseases;
• fear of unwanted pregnancy.

What does sexual harassment mean?

Countertophobia is more common among women, but it does not spare men either – in the latter, it more often manifests itself within the framework of homosexual orientation.

A disorder such as agraphobia arises as a fear of sexual harassment. This term refers to any harassment of an intimate nature:

• assault with intent to forcefully engage in intimate relations;
• touching, stroking, hugging against the will of the person;
• sexual bullying, intimidation;
• forced intimacy;
• imposing remuneration for services of an intimate nature in an unacceptable form is groundless.

That is, this is any attraction to sexual relations against the will of another person.
However, this concept is difficult to define in a specific framework, because it has different boundaries in different cultures. In some countries, even sexually suggestive sounds, as well as gestures and even staring, are criminally punishable. A number of nations have children's games that affect the sexual sphere; they are considered acceptable for a certain territorial group. Other societies are strict about perversion or harassment. For example, in Japan, South Korea and the Philippines, the children's game "Kancho" is common. One player puts his palms together, extends his index fingers and tries to hit the other player's anus with them. The action occurs at a time when the “victim” is distracted and does not expect a “trick.” The game gets its name from the Japanese word kancho - enema. For the above countries, this is considered entertainment. In Russian society, this “fun” can be regarded as unacceptable.