How to survive the death of your beloved husband, come to your senses, come to terms and move on with your life, what to do, advice from a psychologist

Advice from a priest

The Church treats death as an inevitable period in the life of every person, which completes his earthly path.
Tears, deep despair and unwillingness to reconcile and accept her fate indicate that the widow is not ready to let her husband go to the best of worlds. The death of a person ceases the existence of only the physical body, but the soul is immortal. To find peace, she needs the support and care of her family. All your energy, love and strength should be concentrated on prayers. You need to pray for the peace of mind of the deceased until the 40th day.

Priests advise concentrating all your energy, love and strength on prayers

The widow also needs to remember that she is not alone - her loving Lord is with her, and He will help her endure all the hardships. A state of despair is not an option. It should be understood that the Lord does not give a person more than he can bear, and always spiritually supports him in the trials that he sends.

You need to rid yourself of all superstitions. Hanging mirrors or drinking a glass of vodka on the grave of the deceased has nothing to do with Orthodoxy. Such rules were invented by people who have been to the temple a couple of times in their lives and are trying to present death as a kind of performance, where every action carries a sacred meaning.

In reality, death has only one meaning - it is the transition from mundane life on Earth to eternity

And it is important to think in advance where the person’s soul will be in order to reconsider all righteous deeds and sins throughout his entire earthly life

If grief has overtaken a young family with children, then the widow needs to get together and return to a normal lifestyle for their sake, in order to help them endure the loss. As a rule, family life improves within one year. The widow will need to fulfill the role of both parents so that the children can cope with the loss and live normally. The recommended time for mourning is from one to three years, after which the holy fathers advise getting married again.

Is it possible to wear a ring after the death of my husband?

Priest Alexey Zabelin, teacher at the Moscow Theological Academy, Russian Orthodox University, Sretensky Theological Seminary, cleric of the Church of the Annunciation of the Blessed Virgin Mary in Fedosino, Moscow

If you have recently lost your husband and the ring is infinitely dear to you, you cannot part with it, then know that Christians are not superstitious: you can wear the ring as much as you see fit, both on the right and on the left hand. Don't be afraid, there is no sin in this. Taking off a ring and putting it on your left hand is nothing more than a tradition.

If many years have passed, the pain from the loss has subsided, then I would ask my own question to this question: for what purpose, for what purpose, to wear a ring after the death of my husband? For the sake of loyalty to the deceased? It's good to be a widow, but for what? Some kind of ministry? For example, the abbess of the Borodino Monastery lost her husband in this battle, raised a son, but he also died in his youth. And over time, she founded a convent on the Borodino field. She remained faithful to her husband through the feat of serving other people, including the wounded who remained on this field, the widows of the dead.

You can probably wear a ring, but is it necessary? If it's a memory of the deceased, it's probably good. But if this will be an obstacle in later life, then why? A year or more has passed since the death of her husband and the woman wants to remarry. There is nothing bad or shameful about this. But this ring, frankly speaking, scares away those potential suitors, some of whom could become a worthy husband for this woman.

You can wear the ring on your finger, on a chain around your neck, or hang it where the icons are, as a keepsake. But the main thing is that it makes sense, that this ring gives comfort, inspiration and does not interfere with further life. Because life does not end with death. Death is a part of life and there is no need to put up a concrete wall “that’s where my life ended.”

What is important to us are the objects left by the deceased as a memory. But if we really live by the thought that our Fatherland is where our Lord is, it is not so important for us to wear rings or something as a keepsake. Here on earth it may be important, but further down it is not. The Lord answers the lawyers in the Gospel: “In the Kingdom of Heaven they do not marry or be given in marriage.”

Stages of acceptance

Psychologists identify seven stages that allow you to come to terms with and understand what happened.

The first stage is called denial. The individual does not believe what happened and does not understand how to continue to live. May begin to behave inappropriately

It is important that there are people nearby who could bring the grieving person out of his state, distract him, and make him think about others who are also experiencing the death of a loved one. There is no need to try to console him, he is now unable to accept your help.

At this stage, the person is able to hear the voice of the deceased person, see him in the crowd, but this is all a reaction to what happened, and not a deviation in the psyche. The second stage is the manifestation of anger. The person believes that what happened was unfair, does not understand why it happened to him, to his family, begins to show his anger towards people who are alive and well, calmly walking down the street, sitting on a bench, communicating, does not understand, why are they alive when his relative is no longer there? The third stage is a feeling of guilt. A person begins to blame himself for not being attentive enough, behaving incorrectly, or spending little time. For some, this feeling persists throughout their lives. The fourth stage is a state of depression. The individual no longer has the strength to hide his condition, his emotions. One feels completely exhausted and the person becomes unhappy. The fifth stage is acceptance. The person finally realizes what exactly happened, the pain becomes less, and the depression slowly goes away. The realization comes that you can now let go of the situation and move on with your life. The sixth stage is the period of revival. After the death of a loved one, an understanding comes that one needs to live on, accept new conditions, but at the same time the individual withdraws into himself and communicates little with other people. One gets the impression that he is constantly analyzing something. This period can even last up to two years or more. The seventh stage describes the beginning of a new life. This is a period when the stages of grief are experienced, life is at a new level. Some individuals at this stage are trying to find new friends, change the environment, someone changes their place of residence, work, does everything to ensure that nothing reminds them of the past. For example, the realization may come that the death of her mother was a deliverance for her if the woman had been ill and suffered for a long time before this.

The problem is that not all people are able to go through the seven stages; sometimes they get stuck at the fourth stage, locked in their tragedy. In this situation, you need to contact a psychotherapist. A specialist will help you cope with the current situation and teach you how to overcome depression. A psychotherapist will help you overcome all stages of grief, maintain a healthy psyche, and prevent complications from developing.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRyzM63kL2c

The death of a father or mother literally deprives you of support; this is especially difficult for those people for whom family is the most valuable thing in life. For a person, a connection with his mother is the basis for a feeling of inner comfort.

Mourning, grief, depression after the death of a mother is a natural reaction of a normal person. After all, all the best that a person has was connected with your mother; her love always protected and protected you. Without a mother, a person feels orphaned. But if the state of grief drags on, disrupting the entire way of life, destroying the person himself, then we are talking about depression.

Stages of Grief and Therapy Failure

As a psychotherapist, I often have to apologize for my profession. With alarming frequency, I hear horror stories from people experiencing tragedy who went to a therapist for support and left shocked and angry.

Grief is regularly devalued, judged, medicated, and minimized by members of the “helping” professions.

The least knowledgeable people, regardless of therapy methods and intentions to help, are often psychologists. As a result, many bereaved people are forced to tell their therapists what it really feels like.

As I mentioned above, as part of our standard educational program, our clinicians are taught the five stages of grief model proposed by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. Psychotherapists and doctors, when discussing the “healthy” experience of grief, proceed from this very scheme, even if they do not list the stages.

It is not surprising that so many bereaved people refuse professional help: this model is completely alien to them.

Kübler-Ross identified the notorious five stages based on her observations and conversations with terminally ill people. Her work began as an attempt to understand the feelings of dying people, but came to be seen as a strategy for coping with grief. It is believed that a person faced with a tragic situation must go through a series of clearly demarcated states - denial, anger, bargaining and depression - and gradually move to the stage of “acceptance”, at which point his “work on grief” should be completed.

This common interpretation of Dr. Kübler-Ross's model suggests that there is a right and wrong way to grieve, that there is an orderly and predictable pattern that everyone follows.

You must go through all five stages completely or you will never be healed.

The goal here is to get rid of negative emotions. It is your responsibility to complete this work quickly and properly. If you don't go through all the right steps, your grief may not be considered right.

In her later years, Dr. Kübler-Ross wrote that she regretted the way she formulated her concept of stages because most people perceived it as linear and one-size-fits-all. The stages she identified were not meant to explain to people what they should feel and at what moment.

They weren't supposed to dictate whether you were grieving the "right" way or not.

Her scheme, when applied to the dying person or those they leave behind, aimed to normalize and acknowledge the sensations experienced by some people in the maelstrom of madness that loss, death and grief cause. It was meant to support people, not put them in a cage.

Death and its consequences are incredibly painful, disorienting events. I understand why people - both the grieving person and those around them, personal and professional - want to have something of a road map, a clearly outlined series of steps or stages to ensure successful cessation of the pain that loss brings.

But pain cannot be ordered. Grief cannot be made neat and predictable.

It is as individual as love: every life, every path is unique. There is no model, no forward movement. Despite what many “experts” believe, there are no stages to grief. Despite what the general public may believe, there are no stages of grief.

The correctness of such an experience is measured solely by personal sensations. This means listening to your reality. Acknowledge suffering, love and loss. Allowing the truth of these facts to exist without restricting them to any artificial limitations, stages or requirements.

Maybe you're experiencing the same feelings you hear from other grieving people, and it's helping you. But how can you compare different ways of dealing with loss, as if trying to see which one will work? It won't do any good.

Until our health care providers are taught to treat grief with the respect and care it deserves, people will struggle to find therapists who can accept their suffering without pathologizing it.

So once again, on behalf of all representatives of my profession, I want to apologize for the fact that everything here is so difficult. There are actually many highly trained therapists and doctors out there. I met quite a few of these specialists while I was working through my grief from its earliest stages. If you have sought professional support and are disappointed, please continue to seek it. There are good people, and they are waiting for you.

The opinion of psychologists There is a way out

Experts have studied the emotional states of many people who have had to endure the death of loved ones and found out that there is a “grief reaction syndrome.” Of course, due to individual characteristics, the reaction to loss cannot be absolutely the same, but there are certainly common features. When starting a conversation on the topic “How to survive the death of a beloved husband?”, psychologists advise the widow to become aware of her feelings and emotions, which change in accordance with the stages of grief:

• shock (in most cases accompanied by hysteria);
• denial of what happened (it's hard to understand how everyone can live as before if my husband is no longer there);
• searches (dreams and sensations may appear that give the illusion of communication with the deceased, hysterics often resume, the woman refuses help and wants to leave after her loved one);
• despair (in addition to intense grief, the widow begins to feel remorse. It seems to her that she was wrong in many ways towards her husband and thereby shortened his life);
• apathy (complete indifference to everything around you).

What can you do to prevent sad feelings from making a woman unhappy forever? Such steps will give you the strength to survive grief.

Humility

It is necessary to clearly understand that death does not escape anyone alive, and it is no longer possible to influence what happened. If previously all your time was filled with worries about your husband, you need to change your activities. Think: would a spouse want to see his beloved in constant suffering? The fact that the wife continues to give joy to herself and her loved ones is an act that would greatly please the untimely departed husband.

Looking forward

You can't become indifferent. Be glad that in the past you were not deprived of happiness, rejoice in the current smiles of your loved ones, the beauty of nature, little surprises, read exciting books.

Useful things

New goals captivate you and drive away boredom. Meeting girls who have suffered the same loss helps a young widow cope with the death of her husband. As a rule, seeing the deplorable state of others, a woman begins to support, give advice from personal experience, and realize that she is not the only one who has suffered such grief. It is useful to start writing letters to suffering people.

Creation

Drawing, embroidery, knitting and any other types of creativity that a woman likes can distract her from sad thoughts and delight her with new skills and successes.

Communication

It is necessary to expand your circle of friends, and eventually start attending interesting events. In adulthood, for example, at 60 years old, it is easier to cope with the death of a husband if you explain to young couples how to understand, appreciate and respect each other. Perhaps, based on your rich experience of family life, someone will write an article or a whole book.

Tips for others

It will be quite difficult for those who are close to the widow. They, too, were no strangers to the one who died, but they were obliged to hold firm so as not to provoke hysteria or miss the alarming signs of the onset of deep depression. Having heard from a woman the phrase “how to live after the death of your beloved husband, help,” you cannot sit down next to her and cry for days on end. Tears release tension; they are necessary, but at a certain stage. Having paid tribute to grief, you need to help the widow find new meaning by being unobtrusively nearby.

Watch the reaction

A woman who has lost her loved one falls into apathy after intense experiences. This is a normal reaction to cope with grief. She should not turn into complete indifference to herself, appearance, home environment or the health of loved ones, especially if there are small children. At a certain point, she experiences loss of appetite, deterioration in well-being, and atypical reactions. It is necessary to exclude external pressure on the widow and behave calmly, gently stopping a hysterical attack or outbursts of aggression. Most likely, she may need advice from a psychologist on how to live after the death of her husband.

Ask a question

Stay close

During intense grief, some people have a weakened sense of self-preservation. The presence of another person is required to keep you from rash actions, strengthen your connection with reality and convince you of the value of life. It is important not to be intrusive, to show understanding and tact. If help is needed, it must be provided. When nothing is asked for, you cannot impose your presence. You can show your concern:

• serving a glass of sedative;
• hugging;
• accepting manifestations of grief, sympathizing, but not falling into exaltation;
• helping with organizational issues where the widow cannot cope on her own.

A person who has suffered a loss needs to cling to the daily cycle of affairs. You don't need to do everything for him.

How to help a friend cope with the death of her husband

A true friend will always lend a shoulder and be there for you. The friend’s task is to let the widow speak out, cry, experience the acuteness of grief, and then help her see the colors of life again. It is important not to leave a person in a cocoon of loss; moral isolation is unacceptable. Gradually, your friend needs to be drawn out for walks, visiting exhibitions, and involved in joint activities and conversations.

Not worth it:

• constantly remind you of what happened;
• offer new acquaintances with men in the first year after the loss of a spouse;
• replace sorrow with feigned joy;
• talk about the tragedies of friends, drawing parallels with her husband.

Mom can’t get over her husband’s death: how to help

A long, happy marriage, raising children together, and shared joys and sorrows bring people so close that with the death of a spouse, many of the threads that give a woman incentive are severed. The children’s task is not just to support their mother, but to try to show her necessity in their lives. Turn to the fact that now she is their only hope, and cannot live without her. A person broken by grief will need any straw that allows him to find his lost balance and meaning of existence.

You need to be especially sensitive to your emotional mood, where feigned cheerfulness may hide severe depression or an exacerbation of chronic diseases. During this period you need:

• show interest in any of her endeavors;
• do not leave alone for a long time;
• show its necessity for all family members;
• hold joint gatherings over a cup of tea more often or organize trips to the dacha;
• introduce the possibility of attending a health group or hobby club.

The main thing is not to impose or impose, but to always be there when support is needed.

Feeling of prospects being destroyed

This feeling appears when the person who was irretrievably lost had goals and plans that could not be achieved. In this case, the best solution is to develop new perspectives. Your actions should proceed from a surplus approach - make the most of the existing unpleasant situation for personal growth and improve your life.

Of course, working out the prospects will take more than one day. But this needs to be done. And the more time you devote to this, the faster this cause will be eliminated.

You can work out the prospects like this:

1. Create a file in Evernote or any other application that supports automatic synchronization and write down ideas on how you can improve your life after this situation. Of course, you can work purely with a computer, but online notepads are better because you can immediately write down an idea if you have your phone at hand. This must be done throughout the transition period.
2. Start implementing the ideas that come to mind. It is clear that in depression the most difficult thing is to start doing something; volitional potential is reduced almost to zero (especially in deep depression). But if you regularly take small, feasible steps, over time you will get carried away and even enjoy transforming your life.

One business coach essentially did just that. After the death of his wife, he began to work more actively, which contributed to the growth of his professionalism, the number of clients, and earnings. But the main thing here is not to go to the other extreme - try to go to work so as not to think about the loss. In this case, we are essentially replacing one dependency with another. Our task is to become self-sufficient people. You can use work to take your mind off your grief, but only if it helps you become stronger and actually overcome depression, not drown it out.

How not to cause harm?

“Until now, I have not yet felt that it is easier for me. It's hard to live alone. I remember him all the time - how we met and how we got married. We were “naked”, lived in a hostel, and we all made money together - a car, an apartment, and a dacha. Everyone says: well, you knew he was sick, you didn’t leave the hospital for four years. But I never tired of looking after him. When you live together for so many years, how can you get tired? I will not lay hands on myself, this is a sin. But those were the thoughts. And it still is,” admits Anna Nikanorovna.

What is the treatment for depression from loss?

A person may have difficulty overcoming depression due to the following circumstances:

• thanatophobia occurs;
• pain from interruption of emotional connection;
• lack of feeling of security;
• strong confidence in one's guilt;
• resentment towards the person who left and left the grieving person;
• misunderstanding why this happened and the loved one is now gone.

Then you can’t cope without the help of a doctor. Psychotherapy sessions have proven themselves the most. However, in very advanced or profound conditions, medications may be prescribed, namely:

• antidepressants;
• neuroleptics;
• tranquilizers.

The doctor may also prescribe:

• a course of vitamin therapy;
• physiotherapy;
• nootropic drugs.

During the consultation, the psychotherapist determines at what stage of processing grief the patient is. Based on its condition, the best option for the further path is selected. In some cases, such as severe cases of depressive disorder, a psychiatrist will prescribe antidepressants. They improve physical condition and remove the feeling of constraining despair and hopelessness.

How to get out of depression after the death of your husband by talking to a psychotherapist? A mandatory element of therapy is interpersonal, cognitive behavioral therapy, as well as individual psychotherapeutic sessions and work in a support group.

In psychology, the grief process has several stages, which a person goes through in different sequences. These are denial (isolation), anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance of the situation (humility). You don't have to go through all the stages to get out of grief. However, if a person falls into a depressive phase, he may not have enough strength to get out of it on his own.

This requires individual sessions and conversations with a specialist. It will help you find internal resources to survive this stage. At this moment, it is important for the patient to have the opportunity to speak out and express emotions. At the discretion of the specialist, elements of art therapy and sand therapy may be used.

Joining a support group for people who have experienced the death of a loved one can also be very therapeutic. The patient ceases to feel alone in his grief. He has the opportunity to share his feelings with people who understand him.

Sometimes there is a need for the help of doctors - do not hesitate to contact them; in such cases, treatment is carried out in a hospital, under the supervision of medical staff.

Among the drugs used in various methods, one can name antidepressants, tranquilizers, and sometimes antipsychotics. Physiotherapy, vitamin therapy, nootropics, proper daily routine, help from a psychologist - all this helps to get out of depression completely and without relapse, because we are talking about a reactive etiology.

All of us go through loss.

At such moments, it is important not to let yourself plunge into the abyss of despair and find the strength to survive. It turns out that time really heals and reveals new colors of the world

After all, spring always comes after winter, whether we like it or not. When remembering your mother, let there be only light sadness and gratitude that she was with you. The departed are always invisibly present as long as people remember them.

You cannot live in the past, if you want to take only good things from the past, think more about others and very little about yourself, and then there will be no getting stuck in grief. Experiencing grief does not mean forgetting about it, but learning to live fully after the loss.

It is not always easy to determine this condition, however, the following symptoms will help identify deep depression in order to consult a specialist in time.

• Sadness and longing for a loved one that does not go away for several months.
• A person is haunted by images of the deceased, hallucinations and visited by obsessive thoughts.
• Refusal to accept reality.
• Abuse of alcohol or psychotropic drugs.
• A person consciously avoids those things that remind him of the deceased.
• Feeling of emptiness and loss of meaning in life.
• Deep, persistent feeling of guilt.
• Suicidal thoughts and suicide attempts.
• Lethargy and inability to perform daily activities.
• The belief that the deceased is alive.

Advice from psychologists

Back in the middle of the last century, American psychologists developed a scale of the severity of the stressful impact of life events on a person, rating them from 0 to 100 points. The first place was taken by the death of a spouse: it is estimated at 100 points.

Psychologists believe that, regardless of age, degree of attachment to the spouse and the character of the wife, everyone experiences the loss of a soul mate in the same way, or more precisely, they go through the same stages.

1. Shock. This condition can be compared to a strong blow, after which a person falls and begins to experience severe pain. Initially, a woman may lose the power of speech, hearing, vision, and lose her orientation in space and time, after which deafening pain comes.
2. Negation. Absolutely all people, receiving news of the death of a loved one, refuse to believe it. Women claim that the information has not been verified, that something was mixed up somewhere, that there was a mistake - these are the phrases that can most often be heard from the lips of a woman who has become a widow.
3. Anger. Having accepted the fact of her husband’s death, the woman tries to find an answer to the questions of why this happened and who is to blame. She tends to analyze recent events, days, hours, and recall that “it seemed to her that something terrible would happen, and she should not have let her husband go anywhere.” Most often, a woman takes out her anger on herself, blaming herself for what happened.
4. Depression. When a woman finally understands and realizes that her husband has died, she falls into the deepest depression. The taste for life, any interests are lost, the woman no longer hears her desires, needs, she is not bothered by anything except the deepest feeling about what happened.

Question for psychologists

Asked by: Julia, 40 years old

Question category: Stress and depression

22.11.2018

Good afternoon, I am 39 years old, my mother is 69. Two years ago we buried my father after a long illness. It was a lot of stress for all of us. He was a wonderful husband and father, he always took care of the family, my mother was “MARRIED” in the literal sense of the word. I understood that it would be difficult mentally, but it had to be overcome. With mom it turned out to be much more complicated! She has always been a strong-willed and rather powerful person; with age, all her character traits became more pronounced. They lived in marriage for 37 years and dad was everything to her. After the funeral, for the second year now, she does not want to leave the house. My already not very good state of health has worsened (my blood pressure constantly fluctuates, osteochondrosis, I have lost a lot of weight, I eat little). Constant tears, inadequate response to harmless words, accusing me of not living up to her hopes and that no one needs her. Although this is absolutely not true. I have my own family: a husband and a 6-year-old son, we live 10 minutes walk from each other. After the funeral, my child and I moved to my mother’s place and lived with her, helping and encouraging her. And now I cook, clean, go shopping and bring her everything she needs every other day, or even stay overnight, and on weekends, too, with her. We call each other several times a day. But you’ll never guess in what tone my mother will answer me; she might hang up halfway through the conversation if my tone seems “not right.” To be honest, I’m already afraid to call her, because I don’t know what kind of mood I’ll get into. She quarreled with all her relatives, accusing them of all conceivable and unimaginable sins. It got to the point that my relatives had already begun to sympathize with me because of my mother’s behavior. Even strangers who answered her “not the way she wants” are equated to enemies! When asked to go for a consultation with a psychologist, there is only one answer - they won’t help me in any way, I myself can teach them some sense! Against this background, over time, I myself began to feel depressed. I became nervous, embittered, began to lose my temper both at work and at home, people and society as a whole began to irritate me! I want to take it and run far into the dense forest so that no one touches or says anything. I try not to react to my mother’s words addressed to me, but I can’t, it becomes offensive and I literally give up. I understand that she is partly a manipulator, before all the “bumps” went to my dad, but now I am instead of him... All my friends and relatives tried to pull her out of this state, but in vain. She herself says that she doesn’t want to go out into the street, that there’s no point... people are walking down the street, but Vitya (my dad) doesn’t have a tear... that is. Dad was the meaning of life. I’m trying to convince her that her life is valuable regardless of her dad, that she needs to move on with her life, he would not approve of such behavior, but so far there is no progress... Please advise what can be done and how not to slip further into depression? I love my mother and want to help, but sometimes it just becomes unbearable... Thank you.

Tips for relatives

The help of relatives plays an invaluable role for the widow. Even in the acute phase of grief, she screams that she doesn’t want to see anyone - support is extremely necessary these days and there is no need to leave it.

During this time, friends and family can:

• spend time together, be there for her in difficult times (sometimes it’s enough to sit next to her and hug her);
• support in going to church (for example, in case of suicidal thoughts, self-harm) or in very severe cases even going to the doctor to find a qualified specialist;
• call and correspond on neutral topics;
• listen to the widow;
• involve her/him in new activities.

It is advisable to avoid cliché words of consolation - everything will be fine, time heals, etc.!

Avoid loneliness

Be sure to tell your friend about your feelings. At some point, you will want to hide from the whole world and just remain silent, but it is in such a situation that communication with a loved one is necessary. Don't demand too much from him, because he may not know what to answer or how to console you. If a person does not understand you, do not move away from him, but simply speak out. Over time, you will become comfortable communicating, and this will greatly ease the state of grief. You shouldn't go to parties or birthdays if you feel uncomfortable. The holiday atmosphere may seem inappropriate and even offensive to you. Communicate with close relatives, the loss has shocked them too

If the other parent is near you, pay special attention to him. Together it will be easier for you to overcome grief

Is it possible to watch TV after the death of a loved one?

Archpriest Roman Batsman, rector of the Churches of the Life-Giving Trinity and the Resurrection of Christ at the Research Institute named after. Sklifosovsky, the house church of St. Luke Voino-Yasenetsky Scientific Center for Cardiovascular Surgery named after. A. N. Bakuleva, Moscow

Since you are asking such a question, apparently you already feel some incompatibility between these events: watching programs on TV and experiencing the loss of a person. The death of a loved one involves worrying about him or her, prayer, which is incompatible with any kind of entertainment or even distractions. Therefore, some time is given to people to show concern for their deceased: funeral service, wake, 9th day, 40th day. During this period after death, people gather to pray together for repose, trying not to be distracted by unimportant things. Although the daily necessities—going to work, going to school—cannot be avoided, and even, of course, we continue to do. And those things that distract a person or entertain are not so paramount; it is better to put them off for a while. Then you can read the Psalter with more concentration, as it should be in the church. It is more serious and responsible to participate in divine services - not just go to church, but try to participate in the sacraments, confess before communion. Then both the people themselves and the deceased, for whom they worry, will benefit. It is not for nothing that there is a tradition of mourning, which in some sense is similar to the tradition of fasting and implies some restrictions.

Of course, after some time we return to life in all its fullness, especially since you can find some good programs on TV, and not just empty and meaningless ones, which, unfortunately, are now becoming more and more numerous.

In any case, even during this period, if you watch some sermon or program about an Orthodox holiday that the Church celebrates at this time, there will be no great sin, there may even be some benefit.

Stages of Accepting Grief

To accept what happened, a person must go through several stages.

Shock

Most often, a person is shocked when his mother dies. This happens not only to children, whose parents are most often still young and die unexpectedly. Even adults, having learned about the sad event, are in a state of shock: most people do not think that their parents’ lives will one day end. Even if the mother has been suffering from an incurable disease for a long time and the approximate time of her death is indicated by doctors, people often hope that life will last a little longer.

A defensive reaction of the psyche is observed. Often, the children of a deceased woman cry, scream, and experience severe nervous excitement. It is also possible that inhibition reactions predominate: a person withdraws, becomes emotionally cold, may fall into a stupor, and think more slowly. This condition is necessary to alleviate pain.

Negation

Then the denial stage begins. A person refuses to perceive the reality of his mother’s death, because the consciousness does not want to put up with the thought of loss. Often a person left without a parent convinces himself that what is happening is just a bad dream. He may express his feelings and emotions in words or try to convince himself mentally. Sometimes the condition becomes so severe that others have doubts about the mental health of the person who has lost his mother.

Anger and resentment

Then comes anger, a feeling of resentment. If a woman was sick or was the victim of an accident, her son or daughter may blame the doctors who failed to cure the pathology as the culprits of the incident. Sometimes there is a desire to take revenge, to hurt these people. If the cause is old age, negative emotions may have no object. Questions about why this happened, why this happened, are not one-time questions: they can persist for a long period of time. Occasionally, children become angry with the deceased herself for her death.

Irritation may intensify if the loss is accompanied by financial difficulties: the need to pay debts and loans.

Such a reaction occurs because a person feels helpless: he cannot resist death or avoid it. Anger is a reaction to fear, the realization that every person will one day die.

Guilt

When the anger passes, a feeling of guilt arises. A person may consider himself guilty because he upset his mother in some way during his lifetime, committed some actions that she did not approve of, paid little attention, rarely came to visit or called, talked about love, or helped. People often claim that they would change a lot in their behavior if they had the opportunity to live part of their life when their mother was still alive again. Possible scenarios will be constantly repeated in the imagination, sometimes such thoughts become obsessive.

They stop looking for the culprit: now attention is directed to oneself, self-digging is characteristic. This is explained by the desire to control what is happening, an overestimation of the ability to influence surrounding events

Depression

The suffering becomes the most intense. Often the pain is not only emotional, but also physical, and somatic symptoms are added. A person may cry often, react painfully to any mention of loss, and often cannot control emotions. The option when feelings are lived in silence is considered more severe: often those around them do not even realize that their relative, friend or colleague is suffering. In the most severe cases, people lose the meaning of life and stop believing that anything good is still possible in their lives.

Acceptance and reorganization

A person is emotionally aware of the death of his mother. He understands that life goes on, makes plans for the future, begins to devote more time to communicating with friends, achieving work goals, and restores lost social contacts and his former way of life. Depression ends after the death of the mother, and is replaced by a less strong feeling - melancholy, sadness. What happened is not completely forgotten, but the trace left by the tragedy does not interfere with living on.

What's happening?

"Very hard. The meaning of life is lost. You get up, but he’s not there. Usually you get up in the morning and run [to him]. He was sick for four years, he has COPD (chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. - Note TD). There were oxygen cylinders next to the bed. How bad he is, I run to quickly give him oxygen, turn it on, turn it off. And here... empty walls. There are no classes right now, what classes could there be? You take one pill, then another. You go to hospitals. I go to my daughter and granddaughters to at least occupy some time and not sit alone within four walls,” says Anna Nikanorovna. She is 81 years old, she lived with her husband for 60 years, he died seven years ago.

For an elderly person, any acute experience is a double burden. Associate Professor of the Department of Educational Psychology at Moscow State Pedagogical University Sergei Filippov compares the stress of losing a spouse to an operation: at 30 years old it is much easier to recover from it than at 70, because the nervous system wears out just like joints and blood vessels.

the severity of the experience does not depend on age: older people grieve just like everyone else

But at the same time they feel something with which it is impossible to identify, having become a widow at 30, 40 or even 50 years old. They feel that:

• "halved" forever. Clinical and family psychologist Olesya Kavalerchik calls spouses relatives of the first order - it is with a husband or wife, and not with children, grandchildren, siblings and friends, that a person associates himself, his significance and experience. At 80 years old, the loss of a spouse becomes irreparable - social activity is reduced to a minimum, the psyche is rigid, there is practically no chance of a new marriage;

  
  Rembrandt. Portrait of an old lady

• found themselves in isolation. With age, there are almost no social roles left: there is no more energy for work, there are fewer and fewer friends every year, children and grandchildren are far away and live their own lives. To leave the role of “I am the husband/I am the wife” at 70-80 years old means to be left almost completely alone;
• They understand that they will also die soon. The death of peers—spouses, friends, classmates, siblings—causes existential anxiety that complicates and inhibits grieving;
• They won't be able to cope with another loss. In old age, relatives often leave one after another, and for a worn-out nervous system such stress can be unbearable;
• unable to cope with daily activities. “The death of a husband or wife is the loss of not only a spouse, but also an accountant, a gardener, a house helper, a listener, and so on,” explains Kavalerchik. — His death affects self-esteem. The question arises: who am I if I can’t even take care of myself?”;
• get sick and weak;
• will never be able to stop yearning. “For older people, coping with loss takes much longer. Often it never ends at all, and an indefinite attachment to the deceased is formed,” says Kavalerchik. “Some of them are at a stage in life where it is better for them to consolidate their memories and draw from them for resource and support throughout their remaining years than to rewrite and reorganize their lives.”

Sometimes widowed grandparents start saying very sad and scary things. It may seem that since they grieve so intensely and for a long time, it is harmful and dangerous and it is necessary at all costs to reduce the degree of their experiences. Experts are sure that this is not entirely true.

First steps

It is very difficult to return to the usual everyday environment and get rid of the grief that has filled the entire spiritual space. But you need to gradually begin to move away from sad memories of your loved one.

Nothing will help you survive the death of your husband without freeing your head and home from the past and those things that remind you of the grief you experienced.

1. A woman must accept the death of a loved one, since everyone, sooner or later, leaves this world, and no one can change this way of life.

People only aggravate suffering by refusing to perceive reality as it is. A woman needs to reconsider her life values ​​and realize that she is much stronger and more resilient than she thinks.

2. The best way to distract yourself from sad thoughts is to start looking for new goals and guidelines in life.

Indifference to everything is the path to degradation and devastation of the inner world, which can lead to serious mental disorders. After all, it is better to take into account the advice of a psychologist than to accumulate negativity and wait for the condition to worsen.

The husband's life has come to an end, but his wife's life continues to go on, and one must be able not to miss the opportunity to live it with dignity. For the sake of the husband, who probably wanted to make his beloved woman happy, for the sake of the children and for herself. You can realize yourself at any age by supporting your desires with actions.

3. Do charity work.

Good deeds (especially for people who are in a similar situation) always bring joy and bright feelings. It will become much easier to cope with the death of your husband if you help others.

It charges you with positive emotions, energy and makes it clear that someone needs you. Supporting other people who are also experiencing loss can help you cope with your personal unhappiness.

4. Don't isolate yourself, communicate with other people.

Despair consumes and does not allow one to get out of the cocoon in which a woman places herself. Loneliness is useful, even for the most sociable and cheerful people, but not in excessive quantities.

Make new friends. You can give advice to young married couples if you have extensive experience in relationships.

You might even want to write a book or story based on this. And creative activities always have a beneficial effect on overall well-being.

How to cope with the loss of a loved one on your own

Has your loved one died? Without a doubt, it's scary and painful, and you don't want to believe it. However, no matter how hard it is for you, you will still have to come to terms with reality. He died, he cannot be brought back, and you have to live on.

You can succumb to your suffering and spend the rest of the measured time under the yoke of grief suffocating you, but think: how would He feel if He saw you killing yourself?

The following recommendations will help you cope with mental pain:

• Communication with family and friends. Don't close yourself off from others. If you don’t want to see anyone at home, then get over yourself and go visit yourself. Don't want to visit? Go for a walk. You cannot withdraw into yourself and revel in grief - all this will lead to a nervous breakdown. Try not to reduce all conversations with friends and relatives to the death of your loved one and your suffering. No matter how much others love you, no one will be able to see you in such a depressing state for a long time and as a result, most of your friends will begin to move away.
• Spring-cleaning. Clean your apartment; this procedure will help you take your mind off painful thoughts. It is not enough to simply wash the floors, wipe off the dust and ventilate the room. It is necessary to gather strength and collect all the personal belongings of the deceased chosen one. Can't do it yourself? Call someone close to you to help you. Do not consider that by doing this you are betraying his memory, you are simply trying to reduce your pain. Leave a couple of photos together, and put everything else away. You will have to get used to the idea that he is no longer around.
• Hobby. Find time for your hobbies. Choose an activity that can not only occupy your leisure time, but also distract you from sadness. For example, start learning a new language, take up cooking or handicrafts. Another great way to distract yourself is to play sports. Not only will you be able to switch your thoughts to another activity, but you will also get your figure in better shape.

Main causes of depression

To get out of depression, you need to know the main list of reasons that could cause this condition:

• serious illness;
• loss of a loved one;
• dismissal from work or difficulties;
• presence of chronic fatigue;
• misunderstanding on the part of people around you (this especially applies to close friends and family).

The impetus for the formation of a depressive state is given by a psychotraumatic situation. A funnel of negative emotions sucks a person into a swamp.

In this case, it is very important to distinguish depression from a short-term (albeit strong) experience. The correct diagnosis can be made based on the following signs:

1. Anhedonia is the loss of the ability to notice changes around, the absence of any positive emotions, as well as laughter.
2. Developed pathological thinking - in this case, all life situations will be perceived through a negative prism, a pessimistic attitude prevails.
3. Inhibition in reactions and actions, prolonged gloomy mood.

On the other hand, depression can develop completely individually, for example: someone is inclined to withdraw into themselves, someone continues to communicate with others as before, but in some situations they are inclined to show aggression and more. Lack of timely and correct help can lead to further deterioration of the chronic condition.

It must be remembered that when trying to help a person who suffers from depressive neurosis, one must try to avoid the influence of such a negative state on oneself. And such a possibility exists if it is not a professional doctor who is trying to overcome depression, but just an untrained person.

Is it possible to get a haircut after the death of relatives?

Priest Boris Osipov, cleric of the Church of the Life-Giving Trinity at the Research Institute of Emergency Medicine named after. N.V. Sklifosovsky, Moscow

An Orthodox Christian can cut his hair after the death of his relatives; this is not a sin. There are no restrictions, only a lot of superstitions. The only thing is that the wedding, of course, is not held immediately after the funeral. A time of mourning is necessary for those entering into marriage. If a loved one has died, then the celebration will be postponed simply because the young people have no time for it. Time is needed to grieve for the deceased, at least until 40 days, when a special prayer is performed for him, his posthumous fate is decided and he needs the help of his loved ones and those who love him. As for ordinary household things - getting a haircut or washing. Cleaning up or washing - they do not matter to the soul of the deceased.

Definition of the concept and signs

The fact that depression has set in after the death of a relative is evidenced by the presence of the following manifestations:

• the world is seen as black, in shades of gray;
• no interests;
• thoughts only about the deceased person;
• food is consumed automatically;
• may suffer from insomnia, nightmares;
• increased anxiety;
• thoughts about one's own death;
• melancholy is constantly present;
• the person feels guilty;
• concentration is noticeably reduced, the person is unable to concentrate on anything;
• his motor skills and thinking become inhibited;
• there is slowness of speech;
• feeling of emptiness and worthlessness;
• lack of social contacts, desire to be alone;
• apathy;
• changes in behavior that are manifested by special oddities, for example, vagrancy;
• hallucinations may occur;
• a person stops taking care of himself;
• physical weakness and fatigue are felt;
• the individual becomes sedentary;
• there is a constant expectation that something bad will happen;
• a feeling of physical pain, which is unfounded by any disease, is a psychosomatic manifestation;
• Excessive sweating, tachycardia, and possible arrhythmia may be observed.

If these manifestations persist for three months or longer, then a diagnosis of depression is made. This state will be especially profound if the individual was present at the death of his loved one.

The following signs may indicate a condition that requires mandatory treatment:

• lack of acceptance of death;
• disappearance of goals in life;
• shock after the death of a loved one;
• inability to trust someone;
• numbness (for example, can be observed when a child dies).

To understand exactly how to get a person out of depression while at a distance, you need to understand what such a condition is. Depression is usually defined as a severe disorder that causes a person to feel only negative emotions. From this:

• the sphere of motivation suffers greatly;
• cognitive representation changes in the opposite direction;
• behavior takes on a passive form.

There are severe emotions, a regular feeling of depression and even despair, which cannot but affect the overall well-being. Everything that was interesting to a person before suddenly ceases to captivate him completely. The future becomes unpromising for him, the person begins to torment himself. It seems to him that he simply does not have enough strength to overcome all the difficulties that have befallen him.

In some cases, the process takes on a pathological form and, accordingly, requires treatment from a psychotherapist. In this case, support from loved ones and friends alone will not be enough. You need to seek help from a specialist (and in some cases even undergo a course of medication).

There are signs by which we determine for ourselves psychologically healthy.

Finding a purpose to continue living

If a widow has children and grandchildren, then the responsibilities of raising them, their value as successors to the family of their beloved spouse, household chores and joy for their successes can significantly alleviate the woman’s suffering.

Children give the widow the meaning of being, do not allow her to get hung up on thoughts about the death of her husband, or go deep into herself. They, as the personification of life, help to cope with pain and quickly establish a new system of existence without a husband.

But focusing exclusively on children is also insidious. A widow who devotes herself only to them, forgetting about herself, will either “not let go” of her already adult offspring, or will again experience retraumatization when the time comes for them to “fly out of the nest.”

Understand your feelings

First of all, you need to understand that you can cope with grief in any case. For some it takes several weeks, for others it takes several years. Don’t compare yourself to anyone and don’t rush to pretend that everything is fine. In due time you will understand that grief is receding. Remember: Mom always wanted you to be happy and calm. Try to understand that she would not want your grief. Start slowly returning to your normal life and don’t blame yourself for it. The person closest to you would never be upset because you long for happiness.

How to cope with the death of your mother? Memories will help you accept your loss. Preserve the image of your loved one as much as possible not only in your memory, but also on paper - write down everything you remember about her. Also, from time to time, tell other people about the deceased. So her image will not dissipate for a long time. Ask relatives and family friends about your mother. Their stories will make your memories more vivid and colorful. Remember that it’s impossible to remember every little detail, so don’t beat yourself up if you forget something.

Regular and adequate sleep will help cope with stress and cope with the death of your mother. Spend 7–8 hours a day on it. This way you will not be overtired and will be able to adequately assess your condition. Don't forget about self-care - try to look your usual, but don't be too hard on yourself. If grief has consumed you so much that complete apathy has set in, allow yourself to forget about everything for a short time. As soon as you feel stronger, try to restore your usual daily routine. Some things in it may remind you of your mother. Make a to-do list so that in moments of acute melancholy you can be in the company of people who can provide support.

When should you see a psychologist?

1. Despair

When depression reaches such a stage as despair, and the widower is not able to independently go through all the stages of living the pain from the death of her husband or wife, it is time to turn to a psychologist or psychiatrist. The choice of specialist depends on the psychological state of the widower. Despair can develop into severe mental disorders. Psychologists can cope with post-traumatic syndrome and neuroses, but only a psychiatrist can cure more severe mental disorders, such as phobias, obsessive states, psychoses that reach schizophrenia. If loved ones notice alarming symptoms in the behavior of a widower, they should sound the alarm and not let the situation take its course.

1. Suicidal thoughts

Due to the loss of a husband or wife, the psyche is destabilized. Some begin to feel that the best solution is voluntary death. Thoughts of suicide bring out the strongest negativity on others. This is why those who have been trying to help a widower for a long time often begin to distance themselves from him: it is very difficult to resist negative attitudes. Close ones abstract themselves, trying to instinctively protect themselves from destructive negativity. This can be a fatal mistake, since the psyche of a person who has experienced the death of his wife or husband can push him to commit suicide. Such people urgently need qualified help. Under no circumstances should you turn away from a person in such a state, it is dangerous for his life. According to statistics, most suicides occur due to the death of loved ones.

1. Denial of loss

This is a defense mechanism that tends to take different forms. It can be expressed in denial of the very fact of death, its significance or irreversibility. After the loss of a loved one, one way or another destroys the connection with the deceased, but sometimes the psyche fails, and he unconsciously tries to get in touch with the deceased: out of habit, he begins to call him, talk about him as if he were alive, and see him in the crowd.

In some cases, widowers try to keep everything as it was with the deceased. For example, husbands leave their wife's dressing room in the same condition as when she was alive, putting her things in the same places. This behavior is normal for the first time after the funeral; it creates a kind of “buffer” that softens the loss. However, if this continues for months or years, you should consult a psychologist, since denial of loss can develop into more serious psychological disorders.

1. Uncontrollable emotional reactions

Against the background of stress, inappropriate emotional reactions may occur: hysterics, uncontrollable laughter, tears over “trifles.” For example, a woman who has lost her husband may cry for hours over a broken plate or laugh in a completely inappropriate situation. This is due to the suppression of emotions. If a widower is not able to fully give vent to his mental stress, it may manifest itself in an inadequate form. Such deviations are characteristic of introverts who cannot share their experiences with others. In order for a person of a closed personality type to fully experience grief, he needs the help of a psychologist.

1. Extreme weight loss

This symptom indicates that a person is unable to perform basic everyday tasks. The death of a wife or husband is so unsettling that the spouse forgets to take care of himself and maintain important biological functions. Loss of appetite is common to people who have experienced a serious shock in life. But when this period drags on, and even external changes in the body are already evident, you need to seek help.

Attention: if you cannot cope with the bitterness of loss alone, you should not be afraid to go to specialists. This is a competent and sure way of healing from the heavy burden of losing a loved one.

Time does not heal

Psychologists, of course, help bereaved parents. They give advice on how to cope with the death of your son, but before you listen to them, you need to understand several important things. This is especially true for those who want to help their friends or relatives overcome grief.

No one can come to terms with the death of their child. A year will pass, two, twenty, but this pain and melancholy will still not go away. They say that time heals. This is wrong. A person just gets used to living with his grief. He can also smile and do what he loves, but he will be a completely different person. After the death of a child, a black, deaf void forever settles inside the parents, in which unfulfilled hopes, unspoken words, feelings of guilt, resentment and anger at the whole world huddle like sharp fragments.

With each new breath, these fragments seem to increase, turning the insides into a bloody mess. Of course, this is a metaphor, but those who wonder how to cope with the death of their son experience something like this. Time will pass, and the bloody mess will already become a common occurrence, but as soon as some external irritant reminds you of what happened, sharp thorns will immediately break out of the embrace of emptiness and frantically dig into the already slightly healed flesh.

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Don't leave too much time to worry

If possible, the widow should quickly return to work and everyday activities, because they fill with meaning and naturally distract from acute experiences.

At the same time, it is necessary to warn about the threat of workaholism, which is characteristic of many women who have gone through the ordeal of losing a loved one. An attempt to fill the void in the soul and life by working too hard is fraught with abandonment of oneself, one’s feelings, and loss of health. You also need to remember that acute trauma and subsequent grief, and the hassle associated with the funeral and restructuring of life, are debilitating and lead to chronic fatigue. Perhaps some time later it makes sense to plan, for example, a course of treatment in a sanatorium, a light trip, or a vacation trip to visit relatives.

But training, advanced training, and mastering new skills are practically medicine for a grieving person. They give a different circle of communication and the idea that the deceased spouse would be proud of the professional growth of his beloved and her development.

It even makes sense to look for new hobbies and hobbies that do not once again remind you of your late spouse.

The time has come for the widow, who previously had some personal interests, to resume these pursuits. Passion for something will allow her to overcome doubts about whether there is life after the death of her beloved husband.

Is it possible to wash floors after a person's death?

Photo source

Priest Mikhail Senin, rector of the Church of the Annunciation of the Blessed Virgin Mary in the village of Polivanovo, Moscow

This is the first time I've heard about this. Although I know that there are a lot of superstitions and prejudices around death. But by developing the idea that it is impossible to wash floors after a person’s death, you can stop washing, combing your hair, changing clothes, doing laundry, and so on. I hope the absurdity of this line of thinking is obvious.

After the death of a loved one, you should first think about yourself. About the fact that death awaits everyone, including me. If we correctly accept the death of a person, not as a reason for grief and mourning, but as a window of opportunity, then we will think about the meaning of life and our destiny in eternity, about how I can now help the newly deceased. Then we understand that our most important task now is prayer. Moreover, this work will be useful to me, too. You can take the Psalter at this time and start reading it. This is especially important in the first 40 days after the death of someone close to you.

Father or psychologist?

Clergymen help many people cope with trouble. Religion teaches that one cannot mourn the dead for a long time, since their souls suffer greatly from the tears of the living. Moreover, all religions talk about this. Listening to the priest, the woman is imbued with this thought and begins to try to control her feelings.

The belief that a loved one does not die forever and that his soul will remember her can literally resurrect a grief-stricken widow.

She comes to terms with his death and begins to sincerely believe that life does not end there, but simply passes into another form. Regular visits to church, religious rituals for the repose of her husband’s soul, prayers, and reading spiritual literature greatly help a widow to find peace of mind.