5 Tips for Raising Children's Self-Esteem

Formation of self-esteem in a child

A child's low self-esteem makes him very vulnerable and sensitive. Such children often find themselves in awkward situations. It is this character trait that causes shyness and timidity. Due to low self-esteem, the child cannot stand up for himself and defend his opinion. Some parents want to raise an obedient child so much that they raise indecisive and complex children. It is difficult for such children to achieve success in life, set goals and go towards them. They think they can't do anything and don't believe in themselves. To prevent this from happening, you need to change your attitude towards the education process. Forming a child’s self-esteem is a very important operation.

Signs of high self-esteem

Recognizing a person with high self-esteem is quite simple. It's enough just to chat with him for a while. Such people tend to:

arrogant, arrogant attitude towards other people;
confidence in one’s rightness (“there are two opinions: one is mine, the other is wrong”). For a person with high self-esteem, there are no authorities; it is not possible for him to recognize someone else’s point of view;
a complete lack of self-criticism, while criticism from the outside is perceived painfully, with resentment, often even aggressively;
the desire to constantly be a leader, the best in everything (among friends, relatives, colleagues). If someone nearby turns out to be more successful in some area, he immediately falls into the category of competitors, and often even becomes an enemy. Admitting your own weakness, incompetence, and failure is simply unthinkable. At the same time, it is typical that such a person overestimates his capabilities and often takes on tasks that he simply cannot initially handle. Failure plunges him into a stupor and causes irritation and aggression;
imposing one’s point of view, even if no one was interested in it;
a constant desire to teach everyone and authoritatively share experience, even in cases where this is not required;
"Yaking" in conversation. No matter what the conversation is about, a person with high self-esteem will always reduce the conversation to a discussion of himself. He loves to talk very much and at the same time does not know how to listen at all. During communication, the interlocutor has the feeling that he is simply being used as a listener to a monologue, while counter remarks are not welcomed and cause obvious boredom;
Blaming others for your problems and failures. Such a person will never admit that he could not cope with the task; there will always be an excuse and another culprit.

Types of self-esteem in children

There are 3 types of self-esteem: normal, overestimated and underestimated.

Normal. The child adequately evaluates himself and his behavior is expressed in the following:
can find a solution to a problem on his own, but if it doesn’t work out, he knows how to ask for help;
admits his mistakes and corrects them;
normal communication with peers.
Overpriced. The child overestimates his importance. Inflated self-esteem is expressed in:
painful perception of criticism;
attracting attention in any way;
aggression in communication with peers, desire to humiliate others.
Low self-esteem is characterized by:
shyness;
distrust and fear of being deceived;
isolation and touchiness;
negative mood.

Where does high self-esteem come from?

Like most problems, high self-esteem most often “comes from childhood.” Often it affects the only child in the family, who does not have to share the affection and attention of his parents with anyone. He is the only one, which means he is the best, the most beautiful, the smartest. Such children may initially have inflated ideas about themselves. In addition, the development of self-esteem is influenced by improper upbringing of the “family idol” type - excessive admiration for all, even the most insignificant actions of one’s child, lack of reasonable criticism from adults, indulgence in any desires and whims of the child. All this gives the little person confidence in his own exclusivity. Oddly enough, the reasons for high self-esteem are also: self-doubt, inferiority complex, childhood psychological traumas and complexes. In adulthood, the cause may be some serious mental shock, working conditions (for example, the only girl in a male team), and often people with attractive external characteristics are subject to inflated self-esteem.

Features of children's self-esteem

Features of the formation of self-esteem in children depend on age. Therefore, mom and dad need to monitor changes in the baby’s behavior.

In preschool children, self-esteem is sometimes high. This is due to the fact that kids are just learning to evaluate themselves. And under the enthusiastic exclamations of parents, it is difficult to do this adequately. If parents find a middle ground between compliments and scolding, their son or daughter’s self-esteem will return to normal.

At primary school age, the educational process plays a large role in the formation of self-esteem. The baby's environment changes, and self-esteem changes along with him. Academic performance is also important. After all, before his work was not assessed in any way, but now there are grades, points or stars that must be met.

At middle school age, children are accustomed to evaluating themselves adequately. They grow up and learn to analyze their behavior. But at the same time, there is a risk of low self-esteem. Because the child turns into a teenager, and he may have problems communicating with peers and family.

At high school age, low self-esteem is common. At this time, many events occur: preparing for exams, first love, entering adulthood, fear of the future.

Give your baby healthy self-esteem!

Self-esteem begins almost from the first months of life, because even among one-year-old children it is easy to identify a leader or an insecure, modest baby. A child will not be able to “create” adequate self-esteem on his own; your help will be needed. You don’t need to take any special measures, you just need to trust the baby, believe in him, but don’t praise him.

Most young children have slightly high self-esteem. “Vasya is the smartest”!, “Tanya is the most beautiful!” - parents repeat every day. And the baby believes, and this is not bad, only until a certain time. While the toddler is small, everything revolves around him, this is how it should be; the child will internalize this feeling of security and support for the rest of his life.

At the end of the article, we have prepared for you a checklist “Children’s complexes: causes and ways to combat them.” Download it and find out how to avoid psychological problems in your baby.

But the older the baby, the more realistically he should evaluate his personality. You don’t want to raise an egoist who is exclusively narcissistic, do you? Then treat your son or daughter the way they deserve it, realistically evaluate their merits, and do not exaggerate the guilt for their misdeeds.

Be careful in your assessments! “You’re not a skinny girl,” “You’re not very smart, but you’re a talented athlete.” You will say and forget. And the child will remember for the rest of his life that he is fat or stupid. Yes exactly! Children take everything literally!

Low self-esteem in a child. How to get it back to normal?

Find something he is good at. So that he can see his results, introduce a system in which the child receives certificates or prizes.
Throughout the day, record your child's accomplishments. For example, he helped prepare dinner, cleaned the room, got a good grade at school. Before going to bed, read the list.
Allow him to make small decisions on his own. This could be the choice of clothes or breakfast. Let him see that he can influence his own life.
Tell him that you love him more often. Surround with care and attention. In this case, the moral side of the issue is very important. The baby won't be able to cope without your support.

Why is such self-esteem dangerous?

High self-esteem often leads to loneliness

A person who cannot adequately assess his strength takes on tasks that he is not capable of completing. As a result, work projects are disrupted, which leads to degradation in the professional field with subsequent career destruction.
A person who does not pay attention to other people, treats them with disdain, insults them, and over time destroys possible social connections is regularly involved in conflict.
Such a person considers himself perfect, so he does not engage in self-development. This leads to professional as well as personal degradation.
Since he is not able to adequately respond to criticism, he behaves aggressively towards the person who expresses it.
Psycho-emotional exhaustion may begin, which will lead to the development of neurotic and mental disorders.

Inflated self-esteem in a child. How to get it back to normal?

Be careful with your compliments. Excessive approval will negatively affect the baby’s behavior.
Teach your child to respect other people's opinions. Let him understand that his point of view may not coincide with someone else’s, and this is in the order of things.
Use constructive criticism to guide your conversation sometimes. The child must understand that everyone makes mistakes, and that the consequences of their misdeeds should be taken into account.

Causes of low self-esteem

The main reasons for the occurrence of low self-esteem include the assessment and influence of parents in childhood, accepting the evaluative opinions of others as an objective reality, attaching significance to some business in which you were defeated, and an inflated level of aspirations.

Personal self-esteem, like many other things, begins its formation in early childhood. In this period, the baby is not yet able to independently evaluate his actions and actions, so he forms an opinion about himself through suggestion from his immediate environment, mainly with the help of parental reactions to all his actions and actions. Without giving their children love, attention and affection, parents instill in them low self-esteem. Constant criticism of children and excessive demands on them necessarily affects their entire future life. Continuous criticism from significant figures for children leads to a very low degree of self-esteem. The child gets used to constant criticism and perceives it as the norm. Therefore, as he grows up, he will no longer demand better treatment.

Another reason for low self-esteem, which originates from childhood, is the use of “battering rams of obligation” by parents in education. Excessive use of this method of education can cause children to feel a huge sense of responsibility, which subsequently leads to emotional constraint. Often adults say: “Your father is a respected man, so you should behave like him.” A reference model is formed in the child’s subconscious, embodying which he will become good and ideal, but because... it is not realized, a discrepancy appears between the ideal and the existing reality.

Childhood illnesses or physical defects can also make a negative contribution to the development of self-esteem. A sick child or a child with defects in appearance feels different from those around him. If in childhood his peers mocked his defects, constantly reminding him of their existence, then such a child will certainly have low self-esteem.

Regardless of whether a task is performed well or poorly, there are always people who will criticize. If a person takes all the statements of others without exception on faith, then this will certainly affect his self-esteem.

People with low self-esteem are characterized by persistently attaching great importance to certain events or consider themselves to be losers in comparison with others. This destroys their self-confidence and personal potential, leading to a loss of personal dignity, which ultimately leads to low self-esteem.

Often, individuals, out of ignorance, set for themselves, in order to achieve, such exaggerated goals and a very short period of time for implementation that their implementation is practically unrealistic. Once they fail to achieve these goals, their self-esteem suffers significantly. The individual stops believing in personal potential, becomes disillusioned with his own abilities and stops making any attempts to realize his dreams.

How to build adequate self-esteem

Some parents ask how to increase their child's self-esteem. There are several tips for this. And remember, the self-esteem of a preschool child is not much different from the self-esteem of a teenager. A child of any age should be approached with care and attention.

Teach your child to notice the good. For example, play this game with him. In the evening, ask him to remember 5 good things that happened to him during the day. It doesn't have to be something big. A delicious lunch at school or an A on a test is enough. In this way, the child will notice that there is a place for good events in his life.
Give your child freedom of choice. If the baby shows independence, he will understand that much in his life depends on himself. Consult with him on small things: what to cook for dinner, what movie to go to the cinema. But do not confuse freedom of choice and permissiveness. Parents should make decisions about the most important things.
Stop swearing. They say correctly that words can hurt. If you have a conflict with your child, there is no need to blame him or give vent to rage. Better calm down and discuss the problem. You should not use the word “guilty”. Replace it with “responsibility”. Instead of “You are to blame,” say “Any wrongdoing has consequences. We need to be responsible for them."
Don't demand more from your child than he can do. Consider the age of the child, his capabilities and your desires. A five-year-old baby will not be able to look after a baby, but a teenager will succeed. If a child cannot do something due to his age, he will be upset and think that he is good for nothing. Although in reality he just needs to grow up and learn.
Teach your child to say “No.” Some adults have a problem that they cannot refuse others. They always agree with everyone because they have a weak will and no strong character. To prevent your child from becoming the same, teach him from childhood to refuse people if necessary, and to defend the boundaries of personal comfort. It is necessary to explain to the child that if he refuses people, this does not mean that he is bad. Explain to him that there is a difference between “keeping a promise” and “always agreeing with everyone.” A son or daughter must realize that first they need to assess the situation, calculate their strength and time, think about the consequences, and only then give an answer.

"King, just king"!

This is how five-year-old Vanya, our little guest, introduces himself as a joke. The child's narcissism makes people smile, but the boy himself is not joking at all. He demands the best, the most precious things from his parents, and strives to always be the first.

This is how he became after the birth of his younger brother and now he is forced to prove to his parents every day that he is the BEST! He eats better, already goes to kindergarten, dresses better than his little brother. Such rivalry cannot be called normal, because the parents only support Vanina’s “belief in herself.” This is how they try to compensate for his lack of attention.

And in vain, probably. The narcissistic boy constantly “gets” from the kids in kindergarten, he has no friends. What else does high self-esteem threaten a child with? And how can you understand how your child feels about himself?

Self-esteem levels:

Adequate – high self-esteem: I’m like everyone else!

It should not be confused with inflated, it is precisely high, optimal self-esteem. Such a child is moderately inquisitive, cheerful and sociable, open, and behaves at ease in society. He listens to adults and does not conflict with peers.

If you have never wondered what kind of self-esteem your baby has, then this is exactly what it is, normal. It allows the child to develop harmoniously, both emotionally and intellectually.

Inflated self-esteem: I am the best!

It is difficult not to notice such children on the playground or in the classroom; they are more physically developed, strive for maximum knowledge, always try to “be good,” and please adults. Such kids often take on new things, but their impulsiveness prevents them from finishing them.

If a child has high self-esteem, then he is very capricious, demanding, touchy and conflict-ridden. He tries to attract attention to himself by any means. He does not accept criticism and immediately takes the position of leader among children.

Low self-esteem: I'm the worst!

Such self-esteem is even more dangerous than inflated self-esteem; it interferes with the child’s development. The baby is inactive and very modest, vulnerable, indecisive. And if in childhood he risks drawing with chalk or building houses alone, then in adulthood such self-esteem will not allow him to be realized either in his career or in his family.

He will be an anxious teenager who does not believe in himself and is afraid of everything new. And if you don’t want to be considered a loser, an outcast and a crybaby in the team, then it’s time to take action!

Symptoms of Low Self-Esteem

As a rule, people who lack self-confidence are easily recognized by their external signs. They usually exhibit the following qualities.

Constant indecision, which is associated with the fear of making a mistake.
Passionate desire to please in order to fit into the team and feel a sense of belonging to the group.
At the same time, hostility towards others and envy of others' successes appears.
Pathological jealousy. Moreover, destructive feelings can arise not only towards a partner, but also towards friends.

Also, low self-esteem is revealed by the manner of speech. How does this manifest itself?

Notes of a negative worldview and pessimism may creep into the conversation.
Excessive self-criticism. A person constantly mentions his shortcomings and the fact that he is not satisfied with himself.
People with low self-esteem take a defensive position in conversations and always look for excuses for their actions, even without obvious reasons. This usually looks like an excuse to yourself.
There is a dependence on the opinions of others and a negative attitude towards criticism addressed to oneself. Moreover, even any phrase of the interlocutor can be interpreted as a claim or insult.