Jealousy and human psychology, signs and causes of jealousy

Jealousy is a combination of increased suspiciousness, fear, and uncertainty. There is an opinion that passionate attachment and persistence are a feeling of jealousy, which is characteristic of romantics who are sincerely in love. In fact, the reasons for jealousy can be very different, and such manifestations indicate serious problems in the relationship between two people.

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Jealousy in psychology

From the point of view of psychotherapy, jealousy is seen as a fear of loss and a painful desire to retain some benefit.

For example, in the explanatory dictionary D.N. Ushinsky defines jealousy as a combination of the following complex experiences:

passionate doubt about the fidelity of a lover or beloved;
lack of self-confidence and fear of being a less advantageous option compared to another potential partner;
excessive diligence, zeal, zeal.

The feeling of jealousy is very close in definition to envy and is divided into love, children's, national, sports and creative.

In all cases, jealousy is considered not as an independent phenomenon, but as one of the components of the feeling of love, when one or both lovers experience uncertainty about the future and their own significance for the chosen one.

In addition, jealousy can arise in people with possessiveness syndrome, as a pathological desire to control all aspects of their partner's life.

And there is also such a definition as “an attitude of jealousy.” This is internal tension and a person’s readiness for the worst outcome of a relationship (treason, betrayal) even when nothing portends trouble. Often, children who have experienced a parental divorce and people who have gone through a painful separation or divorce have this attitude.

What is jealousy?

Various sources define what jealousy is in the context of low self-esteem and distrust of a partner. At the same time, jealousy is always a lack of trust in oneself and the fear that someone else will be chosen instead of you. Jealousy is not always associated with the behavior of the person being jealous. This feeling is born and grows in the head of the one who is jealous. It is important to understand the causes of jealousy and prevent the situation from getting out of control.

Jealousy is an oppressive feeling of insecurity. It often leads to conflicts in relationships. Jealous people are insecure and afraid of being rejected. Jealousy in a relationship is an unpleasant and emotionally difficult feeling.

Jealous - what does it mean?

To experience jealousy means to experience a whole range of contradictory feelings at the same time:

Doubt yourself : about your competitiveness, about your ability to find someone else if you lose. A person with low self-esteem needs constant attention and overcompensation for lost emotions. He needs his partner to experience the same dependence on the relationship as he does.
Fear : loneliness, loss, uncertainty, being used.
Be proud : believe that no one has the right to deceive, betray, leave and somehow infringe on rights and shake the comfort zone.
Envy : the person receiving more attention, feeling left out.
Show selfishness : putting your wants and needs first, regardless of the circumstances. Take and demand without giving anything in return.

Zealous pride is closely intertwined with the fear of losing status and falling in one's own eyes. Undesirable behavior of a partner is perceived as an infringement of one’s own rights and boundaries.

How to stop being jealous?

This question worries many! How to stop being jealous and curb your emotions? How to stop ruining relationships with causeless scandals? Does being jealous mean loving? Myth or truth?

What should you do if this feeling comes to you? Show your partner or keep everything to yourself? And how can you still become needed by a man?

If the relationship is mature and healthy, then there will be no place for jealousy in it. There will only be trust. Either jealousy or trust. Right? There is logic.

But this is all very superficial.

What is our goal? Find out what this “jealousy” is. Where does it come from, what does its presence mean in a relationship and how to stop being jealous.

Types of jealousy. We look at the problem from different angles

In addition to the main concept, the psychology of jealousy is divided into four subsections:

Jealousy reversed . Simply put, a jealous person judges by himself: it is not difficult for him to hide his infidelities from his wife, and at the same time he is tormented by the obsessive thought that they could do the same to him.
Instilled jealousy . Jealous people of this kind grow up from children of nervous and unfaithful parents/single-parent families. Since the child has no other reference point for relationships, he takes them for granted and remembers that all men are unreliable (all women are flighty). And this problem is also common to people who grew up under the yoke of an oppressive parent. For example, a girl who spent her entire childhood listening to phrases from her mother in the spirit of: “all men need only one thing from you” will not be able to fully trust any partner.
Jealousy of an “adult woman” . A woman over 40 often begins to feel faded and uninteresting compared to fit twenty-year-old girls. At the same time, her male peer, on the contrary, feels more experienced and respectable, compared to penniless young students. So it turns out that the wife begins to live in a convulsive and jealous expectation that her husband, whose “gray hair will hit him in the head, and the devil in his ribs,” will find her a young replacement.
Jealousy is justified . This type of jealousy is synonymous with a broken heart. It so happens that people live together happily ever after, in mutual respect and comfort, until one of the spouses meets new love. No one is immune from this. It’s good if the partner, whose feelings have cooled, says so directly and does not lead a double life.

Kinds

Jealousy comes in different forms. It occurs not only to a romantic rival, but also to children, brothers and sisters, and friends. The desire to “own” a partner sometimes reaches the point of absurdity and extends not only to people, but also to hobbies, work, and hobbies.

The type of jealousy depends on the character of the person, his gender and age, social status, temperament, and upbringing.

Possessive

Most often, jealousy manifests itself in the form of possessiveness. A jealous person believes that his partner belongs to him as a thing. The fear of losing him is not associated with love, but with the risk of appearing weak, humiliated, and unworthy. Possessive jealousy is characteristic of people with the following character traits:

lust for power;
excessive love of order, desire to keep everything in its place;
stubbornness;
inability to forgive mistakes;
cold;
disrespect for the partner as an individual;
indifferent attitude towards other people's interests;
fear of change, conservatism.

Men are more prone to this type of emotion than women. This is due to upbringing and social stereotypes that the husband is the master of his wife. The main manifestations of such emotions are the desire to control everything, outbursts of aggression, showdowns, interrogations and demands for constant reports on the time spent, attempts at surveillance.

Jealousy from “infringement”

People with anxiety, low self-esteem, complexes, and a tendency to exaggerate are prone to jealousy from infringement. This emotion is based on the fear of being worse than a rival in the eyes of a loved one. Unlike the owner, the “disadvantaged” jealous person directs negative emotions towards himself. He is not prone to hysterics and aggressive behavior; instead, the jealous person withdraws and withdraws.

Experiencing wounded jealousy, a person begins to see evidence of betrayal in the smallest changes of a partner, and of a rival in everyone he meets. At the same time, he rationalizes the behavior of his loved one, believing that he “deserves” to be betrayed.

Tyrannical

It occurs in people with despotic tendencies, developed pride, excessively high standards, and a tendency to shift blame to others. They make exorbitant demands on their significant other, and perceive non-compliance with them as betrayal and personal hostility. When the cold and cruel behavior of a jealous person pushes away the victim, he writes it off as treason.

The fear of separation in a jealous tyrant is rarely caused by objective factors. These people's mistrust of their partner is unfounded and persists under any circumstances. The tyrannical type of jealousy has common features with the possessive one.

Grafted

The reasons for unreasonable jealousy may lie in a person’s imposed beliefs. If from childhood he was taught that no one can be trusted, then he involuntarily accepts this as a fact. For suspicion to arise, it is enough to accept as true the statement that “all men are womanizers” or “all girls cheat.” A jealous person projects them onto their current partner and involuntarily looks for reasons to suspect him of cheating.

Converted

This type of jealousy is caused by a person's own insecurities and infidelity. Possessing these qualities, he involuntarily believes that they apply to others. A jealous person is capable of treason, betrayal and vile actions, and therefore believes that they are acceptable for a partner. Against this background, groundless suspicions and a desire to control the other half appear.

Jealousy inverted is selfishness, which has nothing to do with love. Often a jealous person himself is ready to cheat on his spouse, but cannot bear the thought of betrayal by his partner.

Men's and women's

Women are jealous more often, but men are more jealous. Female jealousy is more common than male jealousy, but manifestations of this emotion on the part of a girl rarely lead to something worse than a breakup. Guys are jealous deeply and deeply, and therefore more often commit rash acts and crimes under the influence of this emotion.

Normal or pathological?

Popular love dramas impose on young viewers the idea “if there is jealousy, then there are feelings.” This is a rather controversial statement, which, due to excessive romanticization, drives people into abusive relationships with pathological jealous people.

Abuse is a psychological term denoting a relationship where one of the partners exerts moral (and sometimes physical) pressure on the other. Manipulates, abusing his own position.

Jealousy is understandable and normal within reasonable limits, and if there are specific reasons. If the reason for a scandal is a five-minute delay from work, a harmless conversation with a colleague, or a fleeting glance from a passerby, this is already a pathology.

And there is also the so-called jealous delusion: when the fact of betrayal or its prospects is only in the head of the jealous person. His sick imagination and hypertrophied perception of reality makes him see betrayal where there is none. Men are most often susceptible to this type of jealousy. You might be interested in material about what it means to be a real man.

As for women, most often they are characterized by “delusions of love” of the opposite nature. It seems to a girl with such a disorder that she is desired and desired by all the men around her, and her personal object of desire is simply embarrassed to show feelings for such a popular person, which will eventually develop into imposing her own society without taking into account personal boundaries and standards of decency.

To summarize all of the above, jealousy is a pathology in cases where love is perceived by a person as a confirmation of his own importance both in the eyes of others and in his own.

A pathological jealous person is not self-sufficient and does not have stable self-esteem. If he does not receive confirmation of the love and importance of his own person in standard ways, then he begins to show jealousy or deliberately provoke a reaction from the outside.

Why and how women are jealous

Women's jealousy, like women's emotionality, is much more multifaceted and brighter : from quiet games of spy (sniffing out someone else's perfume, looking for someone else's hairs on a jacket, etc.) to loud showdowns. At the same time, there are girls who simply kill relationships themselves, constantly “nag” their significant other for no reason, following the advice of friends or mothers who repeat: “They are all the same!”, “Be careful not to leave”, “ We know these delays at work”... As a result, upon returning from work, the husband is met not by a caring housewife, but by an angry wife, who has mentally pictured the whole process of betrayal in her head and pronounced her verdict. At the same time, if, when a man is jealous, all claims are directed towards the chosen one, then female jealousy will definitely hook the object of your partner’s attention. It is in her that girls will see the reasons for problems in marriage or relationships, and they will look up to her in order to prove to their loved one that they are better than her in all respects. By the way, very often the causes of female jealousy have deep roots in childhood , when long waits for the father from work were a big problem and had no explanation for children’s perception. This situation is projected onto one’s family, and therefore, every time the spouse is late involuntarily brings back those childhood fears of loneliness and hopelessness. In such cases, it is better to contact a psychologist who will help you deal with internal fears and teach you how to control the actions and emotions of an adult woman.

Love or mistrust?

Despite the fact that jealousy goes hand in hand with love, these concepts are by no means synonymous. So how to distinguish love from mistrust? For clarity, consider the behavior of two married couples in everyday and everyday situations.

Mistrust is one of the reasons for jealousy

Example #1: At a party

The couple attends a party. The wife starts a casual conversation with one of the male guests (about the weather, the hero of the occasion, etc.). The husband also finds someone to talk to or joins the unobtrusive conversation, maintaining a friendly tone and picking up on his wife’s jokes.
The same situation: the wife starts a conversation with the man, but the husband intervenes quite abruptly in their communication. In some cases, the conflict may begin on the spot, but most often the wife will face a dissatisfied look and a scandal upon returning home.

Example No. 2. Meeting from work

The husband returns from work at the same time, but suddenly he is late without warning. His wife called him and found out what the reason was and when to heat up dinner.
The same situation: the spouse is late from work. His wife calls him at work and asks the boss what time he left his workplace. Asks his colleagues if he communicated with anyone during the working day. Upon returning home, the husband will face a scandal and a reprimand about selfishness.

Example No. 3. Personal space

Spouses enjoy spending time together: going to the cinema, attending social events or joint classes. If their interests diverge, then everyone calmly goes about their business alone or in the company of friends.
The spouses are forced to spend all their free time together, as one of them believes that this is an example of an ideal relationship. Any party's own interests and tastes are suppressed; meetings with friends in cafes and trips to football with friends are perceived as betrayal.

It is obvious that the behavior of the first couple is filled with love and trust, while the actions of the spouses of the second lack any common sense. The reasons for jealousy in all situations are far-fetched and are not determined by anything other than the desire of one of the spouses to completely capture the attention and freedom of the other.

Mechanisms that trigger jealousy

It's funny, but jealousy is often interpreted as a negative feeling in interpersonal relationships that occurs when there is a lack of attention, love, respect or affection from a loved one or highly respected person while someone else is supposedly or actually receiving it from him.

But the trick is that the main reason for jealousy lies not in the person you are jealous of, but in yourself. This is primarily a loss of self-confidence. We can repress or justify the feelings and emotions accompanying it as much as we want. For example, irritation or even anger, and so on. We can assume that in this situation there is definitely a main villain - the one who is to blame. A woman will say: my husband looks at other women, it’s his fault. Or is it the fault of these women who smile sweetly at him in response.

Every woman can easily find just a billion reasons why someone is to blame for her jealousy. But the fact is that you are the one experiencing this feeling. Here, inside you, where it lives, there is no one else. It is very important to look at the responsibility that lies specifically with you. If you are jealous, it means that something is happening inside you. Certain mechanics are triggered. So let's try to figure out what kind of mysterious algorithm is activated at this moment.

Jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat to a relationship. A person needs closeness, but the closer partners become to each other, the more rapidly the feeling of possessiveness increases. It is common to absolutely everyone. Each of us has encountered it in one way or another.

Male and female jealousy

Despite the fact that jealousy is a feeling that occurs equally in men and women, it manifests itself somewhat differently, depending on the gender of the jealous person.

Let's consider how jealousy is experienced by men and women.

Male jealousy

Psychotherapists identify four internal and external factors on which male jealousy is built:

Low self-esteem . The man believes that his girlfriend can easily find someone else who will be a better match in terms of appearance or income.
Alcohol, drug or gaming addiction . According to psychosociological studies, it has been found that men with addictions are most often terribly jealous. An unbalanced mental state forces them to seek pleasure in the adrenaline rush from various kinds of risks, including passionate swearing.
Ownership instinct . Any communication and attention from the opposite sex, or even a woman’s desire to communicate with her friends, is perceived by a man as a violation of personal boundaries.
Companion's behavior . Often, a woman herself can provoke her partner to jealousy by flirting with strangers. Sometimes both partners perceive this as a kind of erotic game, but often this only angers the jealous person more.

Female jealousy

Female jealousy is characterized by the following manifestations:

Constant vigilance . This behavior can be compared to playing private detective: the wife constantly checks her husband’s phone for new contacts, creates fake accounts on social networks to “promote” him for cheating, and controls every minute spent outside the home and work.
Filtering friends . The husband's single friends are perceived by the jealous woman as potential tempters who can introduce him to girls. Married people seem to be a threat to their usual way of life, since the spouse may see that someone runs the house better than she does.
Public showdown . Scenes of jealousy in a store, in front of children, family, visiting, on summer vacation. No norms of social behavior will stop a woman who wants to put her “presumptuous” husband in his place.
Working like a rival . When her lover stays at work even for a short time, the jealous woman already begins to imagine scenes of a stormy love affair with a colleague in her head. Sometimes the situation reaches the point of absurdity, and the woman constantly occupies an important telephone line, stopping by the office “on the way” to check what her husband is doing. If a husband has a pretty assistant or secretary working for him, then a jealous wife will definitely find a way to “drive” a potential competitor out of her workplace.

A jealous person is a vulnerable, fragile and unstable person, regardless of gender. A person can overcome his condition only through self-analysis and long work on self-control.

Jealousy as a script tool

Jealousy in general very often becomes an expression of a family scenario, a way of its implementation. There are people who have a strong rejection script, say, a girl whose father left her as a child now expects from everyone, especially men, that she will not be loved and abandoned.

She finds a man and torments him with her jealousy, often for no reason at all. And in the end, she annoys him so much with her jealousy that he actually leaves her. Or there are stories where a person is tormented by suspicion to such an extent that he cannot stand it and cheats: “If they are constantly being accused, at least for something.” And in both cases, the girl confirms her scenario that no one needs her. This is more typical for women, but it also happens to men.

The “don’t trust men” attitude can also cause jealousy. How can you implement the scenario solution “don’t trust men” - you need to find one who cannot be trusted. This is the easiest way. For example, if you are afraid that they will cheat on you, then you can choose a man who is constantly going out, and then all the puzzles will fit together, that is, you will wait for him, love him, he will go out with someone, will correspond with other women, and so on This way the scenario decision “don’t trust men” will be confirmed. And if you haven’t found a womanizer, then you can provoke him. How? You can constantly suspect him or constantly refuse sex, for example.

The basic emotion of a jealous person is anxiety.

The basic emotion of a jealous person is anxiety. If you compare how a jealous person behaves and an anxious person, you will find many similarities, almost identical: the desire for control, demanding information, constant complaints and the desire to be justified in front of him. Moreover, it is impossible to justify yourself once and for all, because anxiety is relieved only for a while, and new claims constantly appear. Over time, the jealous person becomes an information addict who needs more and more information to control. And his demands on his partner are constantly growing.

Why Basic Trust Is Important

A jealous person is almost always dependent on his partner. I always give this analogy with dependent relationships. Imagine that you came, for example, into a room, there was a chair there, and you sat down on it. You don’t check whether it is stable or not, whether it is broken or intact, and why? There is trust in the chair; you do not depend on it. Even if it is suddenly broken, you will not fall below the ground, your life does not depend on it. Well, yes, it will probably be unpleasant, but this drop will not be critical. Now imagine that this chair stands over an abyss, that is, you are in a relationship of dependence with this chair, that is, your life depends on it. Please tell me, before sitting on this chair, how many requirements will you place on it, how will you check it? Probably very carefully and for a long time, right? And when you sit on it, you will always, you know, check your butt. Why will you do this? For one simple reason: because you are afraid, because you depend on this chair, so you are constantly checking whether it is firmly standing or not, and so on. There will be no trust in him.

So in a dependent relationship there is never trust. In a relationship where there is one-sided, or two-sided, so-called co-dependence between partners, it simply cannot exist. A person who sits on a chair over an abyss does not trust this chair with every fiber of his soul, precisely because he depends.

How to recognize a pathological jealous person at the very beginning of a relationship? 10 sure signs

Pathological jealousy is a trait that is best identified at the stage of “candy-bouquet” courtship. This will make it easier for you to break this connection in order to protect yourself from everyday “Shakespearean passions.”

Your lover is a pathological jealous person if:

It controls all aspects of your life : who you communicate with, where you go in your free time, what you do on social networks. Moreover, control is sometimes carried out undisguisedly, under the pretext that lovers should have everything in common.
It shapes your social circle . If he doesn’t like one of your friends or girlfriends, the jealous person will persistently convince you to stop communicating or even set up a conflict.
Any deviation from the usual everyday rituals is a sign of betrayal . If your phone died at the time when it usually rings, and the conversation did not take place. If you didn’t go to the nearest grocery store, but went to a shopping center. If you smiled welcomingly at a neighbor in the stairwell whom he had never met before. Whatever the outcome, your loyalty will be questioned.
It monitors your movements throughout the day . And this is not just sweet concern and questions about how you got home - this is manic pursuit. The partner knows what route you take, what taxi service you use, where you usually get coffee, and what your work schedule is. He knows all your phones and the phones of your immediate circle in order to contact you through them if you suddenly fall out of the “access zone”.
He asks you to prove your feelings by setting an ultimatum : “Either me or your hobby!”, “What is more important to you - me or your friends?”, “If you don’t stop communicating with him, it means you don’t care about me.” If you have heard these phrases, it means you are being manipulated.
He speaks unflatteringly about all his ex-girlfriends . He, without mincing words, speaks about their character and behavior. At this point, your potential partner will most likely try to convince you that you are not like that and will definitely understand him in order to consolidate his position with your sense of self-worth.
He is not confident in himself as a partner, but does not try to change anything . By manipulating "what if" phrases, he tries to make himself look more caring, but he doesn't actually do any of that. For example: “If I had money now, I would take you to the ends of the world,” “If I earned a little more, I would give you flowers every day.” Often with these phrases he exposes himself as a captive of circumstances or a victim of the machinations of other people.
He believes that monogamy is a relic of the past . But the rule only applies to him.
Frequent and dramatic changes in mood : from screams and threats, the jealous person suddenly switches to crying and pleas for forgiveness. From insults and contempt - to appeasement with gifts and vows of eternal love.
Suicidal manipulation : threats to commit suicide in case of separation or to kill you and your new lover are another favorite lever of pressure for jealous people.

If you feel that your partner is manipulating you, and communicating with him gives you moral discomfort, end this relationship. Don't think that "true love can fix everything."

These points apply equally to both men and women. Of course, in the blossoming of a romantic relationship, jealousy can seem like a sign of intense interest or even part of a game. But what will happen later, when the relationship becomes more serious? Will you be ready to live under constant control, to think through your every gesture and spoken word?

Jealousy and self-doubt

Jealousy grows out of a person’s ideas about himself. He does not believe in himself too much, he thinks that he is not good enough and there is nothing to love him for. Therefore, if suddenly in the behavior of his wife, husband, girlfriend, mother he suddenly sees a hint that he is not loved, then he perceives it very painfully. For example, a friend goes for a walk and doesn’t invite her along - that’s it, this is a terrible insult. There are people who are offended even if they were not immediately answered in the messenger. All this betrays self-doubt, weakness and fear.

Usually such painful ideas about oneself are formed in childhood.

Yulia, Kazan:

“I’m terribly jealous of my daughter’s grandmothers.” I start to boil when my mother or mother-in-law comes to visit and my daughter says: “Mom, go away, we’re playing ourselves!” I restrain myself and silently leave, but at this moment I want to tear all the toys out of their hands and throw them against the wall with all my might.

When I told my friend about this, she suggested going to a psychologist. At first I was angry because I was actually waiting for support. Then I thought about it and decided that I could try it: if I don’t like it, I simply won’t continue.

From the first meeting it became clear that this works. The psychologist and I began to feel for the problem, and it turned out that it stems from childhood. My parents divorced when I was five. Dad left for another family, we stayed with mom. I often had to live with my grandmother, for example, if I was sick and could not go to the garden. Then I saw my mother once a week and was very bored, and my grandmother constantly said: “You see how tired Mom is, she has no time to bother with you, behave well, otherwise dad has already left.” And I was afraid that if I behaved badly, then my mother would leave. Although my mother never said anything like that, she was simply often tired.

This is how I developed a feeling of guilt for my dad’s departure and a fear of being left alone, which began to affect my daughter as an adult.

When parents divorce, children often blame themselves. And if one of the parents leaves the family, then the child feels not significant enough, since he can be taken and abandoned like that.

Sometimes the problem with jealousy can be solved: if a person himself understands that his jealousy is unhealthy and goes to a psychotherapist. Things get worse if the jealous partner doesn't acknowledge the problem and places the blame on the other. Over time, everything will get worse and worse, because two people always work on a relationship - you can’t pull it off alone.

Sasha, Ivanovo:

— I was 25 when I met my future husband.
He was the most reasonable guy I've ever met. I knew that he had a child and an ex-wife, but this did not bother me. I was never jealous of my husband’s first child; on the contrary, I met his son and ex-wife. But my husband became jealous of my rare communication with his ex. He probably thought that I would become friends with her and become like her. But we only communicated about meetings with the child, and I definitely didn’t intend to be friends with her.

My husband once boasted to friends and family that we were planning to have a child, even though we were having trouble conceiving. It became difficult for me because of the pressure and constant questions, and I began to leave the house less often and communicate with people.

During this period, the husband decided to work on a shift basis. We called each other every day, but one day he got angry because I didn’t pick up the phone right away. And I was just in the bathroom and didn’t hear the bell. There was a small scandal. It became clear that my husband was calling to control whether I was at home or walking around, like his ex-wife. For some reason, it seemed to me that his ex-wife had hurt him very much, so now we need to support him, show him that he has nothing to fear in our relationship. So I picked up the phone, even if I was busy, and talked to him to show him that I was not like my ex.

When he came back from his shift, we didn’t leave each other for a minute and only went to see his friends and family, because in a month he managed to miss everyone. I didn’t even notice that I didn’t have any friends left.

Over time, I began to ask permission to go for a walk when he was not at home. I was only allowed to go out with his acquaintances, but this did not bother me, because I only communicated with them.

When I finally became pregnant, my husband's jealousy intensified even more. Now I could only communicate with my parents and his relatives. If they saw me in the store and I didn’t tell my husband about it, they immediately reported to him, and he scolded me over the phone.

My husband was jealous of everything, but I couldn’t do anything about it. I became a hostage in my own apartment, and I had no one to tell about this - after two years of such a life, I had no one left with whom I could talk, and my parents did not know all this. From the outside it seemed to them that my husband idolized me and everything was perfect with us.

Sasha’s story shows that the help of a psychologist is needed not only by the one who is jealous, but also by the one who is jealous. A person who is subject to total control becomes vulnerable and anxious, and his own needs and desires fade into the background - he no longer knows how to live differently and what he wants. This is why it can be so difficult to just end a relationship and walk away.

What does jealousy lead to? Mental and physical problems

Constantly sorting out relationships based on jealousy can affect not only your mood, but also quite seriously spoil your quality of life.

Relationships in a couple become tense and nervous. The jealous person’s partner feels like he’s “on a powder keg”, expecting a new stream of reproaches and suspicions. This cools the ardor of love and, contrary to expectations, alienates lovers from each other.

It’s even worse when the couple’s child becomes a witness to scenes of jealousy. He cannot understand why mom and dad, who are supposed to love each other, scream and swear, completely ignoring him. This can seriously affect his psyche, making him closed, tense and complex. According to a sociological study, children who accidentally witnessed their parents' adultery carry their damaged trust through life. They are much more likely to experience difficulties in building harmonious relationships.

In addition, a jealous person, without suspecting it, can give his partner an attitude towards real betrayal. After all, receiving punishment for what you have done is not as unpleasant as constantly hearing accusations for something that happened only in the opponent’s imagination. Read more about guilt.

And finally, the fatal culmination is the breakup of the relationship. Sooner or later, even the most patient and understanding person will get tired of enduring hysterics and groundless reproaches.

As for the physical state, each outbreak of jealousy is a serious blow to the nervous, cardiovascular and respiratory systems.

During an outburst of jealousy, the brain experiences overload similar to the shock of hearing about the death of a loved one.

The immune system, under the pressure of constant emotional shocks, also weakens, as a result of which a pathological jealous person is at risk of developing the following diseases:

anorexia nervosa;
obesity or swelling due to hormonal imbalance;
frigidity/impotence;
stroke;
heart attack

Jealousy - what is it and how to get rid of it? Part 1

Friends, who among us has not experienced such a feeling as jealousy at least once in our lives? Someone from time to time “feels its pricks”, and someone “covers it with a wave.” Someone begins to appreciate their partner more, and someone becomes angry and is ready to kill an unfaithful woman or a cheater. Some people are tormented by the pangs of jealousy themselves, while others direct all their bitterness towards a partner or rival (tsu), poisoning their lives. Some people are inspired by suffering to create songs and paintings, while others destroy their lives by drowning this pain in alcohol. This is such an ambiguous and multifaceted feeling. Let's try to understand the nature of jealousy, its varieties and ways to cope with it.

WHAT IS JEALOUSY? We are jealous not only of our lovers, but also of our friends, our children, our parents, even our colleagues and boss. The main question that haunts us is: “Why did you prefer the other? So, in your opinion, am I worse? ! " This question terrifies someone at the prospect of being rejected and left alone, while in another person it awakens righteous anger for such injustice towards him. But both the first and the second experience pain and humiliation at such moments. There is a common thought - “if he is jealous, it means he loves.” But, if you think about it, it turns out that jealousy is not a “companion” of love alone or a manifestation of a sense of ownership, as many authors write. After all, you can be jealous of a person for whom you have no love feelings or claims. For example, jealousy arises towards a colleague whom you saw having a cup of tea with another colleague, although you usually go on break together. Or when you find out that your friend invited another friend to the theater, not you. And it’s not that you are “inseparable”; maybe you only see each other once a month. But the very fact that they preferred someone else unpleasantly hurts and causes jealousy: “I thought we were friends! " Or another example - a beauty surrounds herself with admirers because she likes to be the center of attention and be the object of admiration. At the same time, she gets jealous if one of her fans suddenly speaks well of any other woman. There is no love here, but there is jealousy. Jealousy is a feeling that is directly related to our self-esteem. The actions of people around us who hurt our self-esteem and demonstrate disdain for us and preference for others can provoke an attack of jealousy. Even just suspicions that this could happen can plant seeds of jealousy in our soul, which are very tenacious and quickly sprout. If this person is kind of the only one for us - a spouse, parent, child, best friend - that is, someone whom we have endowed with a special status among those around us and expect the same special attitude towards us, then jealousy will be experienced especially strongly. Jealousy is a mixture of fear, pain and anger due to betrayed trust, due to ingratitude in response to our special treatment, for humiliation of our dignity. “How could she do this to me? ! What did I do to deserve this attitude? ! " There are many different reasons why a person becomes jealous of another: Ø Jealousy - fear of losing someone due to self-doubt and low self-esteem Ø Jealousy - resentment for lack of attention to oneself with high self-esteem, self-centeredness Ø Jealousy - the desire to control everything the steps of a loved one, to feel power, submission to oneself. A textbook example is the jealousy of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Considering that the love of a son for his mother and the love of a husband for his wife are two completely different feelings, quite capable of coexisting in the heart of one man, then the jealousy of a mother and wife towards each other is a struggle for influence and submission to their will, and not for love. Ø Jealousy – protection of property. It occurs, for example, in marriages of convenience, where a high-status spouse “buys” a wife—a fashion model or an actress—as an expensive, beautiful thing, which he then shows to others as a trophy, emphasizing his “coolness.” Here jealousy often takes cruel forms of humiliation and beatings. Ø Jealousy is envy of the happiness of others, of a more successful rival or rival. This feeling occurs if the beloved (beloved) has left for another. Then the person torments himself with jealousy, tracking through social networks or mutual friends what is happening in this couple. Ø Jealousy – as a manifestation of the character traits “suspicion, distrust”, which under unfavorable conditions can develop into paranoia. One of the manifestations of such pathological jealousy is jealousy of the past - “you already had someone before me, I’m not your first” or “I’m not as beautiful as your ex, I suppose you still love her” Ø Jealousy - as a projection of one’s desires onto a partner. This is a type of psychological defense in which a person unconsciously attributes to another his desires, which he is ashamed or afraid of. For example, a man himself cheats on his wife, so he is afraid that this is also possible on her part. Or a person begins to have obsessive fantasies about sex with someone outside of marriage and he struggles diligently with his imagination, afraid of committing adultery. “But if such a desire arose in me, then it can come to my wife. I control myself, but can she cope with her temptation? " And the jealous person, sometimes without even realizing it, begins to secretly notice everything that could somehow feed his suspicions. Ø Jealousy is a reaction to the provocative behavior of a partner, who constantly provides food for jealousy - flirting with others, excessive playfulness, secrets and understatement. Sometimes this is manipulation in order to maintain the partner’s interest in oneself, “to make one fall in love with oneself more.” But this game is extremely risky. Jealousy is not a manifestation of love , rather the opposite. Love gives a person a sense of his value to another, openness and trust. And jealousy is a manifestation of hostility towards a person: suspicion of deceit and duplicity, humiliating control and checks, gross violation of personal boundaries, open demonstration of disrespect by attempts to “bring it out in the open.” We usually experience such feelings towards our enemies or people we don’t like, “suspicious types,” would you agree? This certainly does not speak of love, but rather of attempts to subjugate a person to oneself, neutralize him and prevent him from encroaching on the most sensitive thing that we have - our pride and self-esteem. THE ROOTS OF JEALOUSY A child first begins to experience jealousy in childhood. This feeling arises in a child when adults often compare the child with other children or simply do not pay their child the attention necessary at his age, being busy with younger brothers/sisters, immersed in work or in their own complex adult relationships (when the family is problematic). Then the child begins to be jealous of his parents for other children, for other people who “steal his mom/dad.” On the basis of jealousy, the first neurotic complexes can form - the Oedipus complex, the Electra complex, when a child is jealous of a parent of the opposite sex. Children's jealousy tends to disappear when they receive a certain amount of parental attention. If this does not happen, then suspicion and self-doubt are formed, which will contribute to the frequent manifestation of jealousy in adulthood. Jealousy can also be provoked by excessive parental care when the child gets used to being the “center of the universe.” Then jealousy will manifest itself as a result of inflated self-esteem and the incorrect attitude that other people are simply obliged to give him attention and care. Therefore, jealousy will arise as a reaction to the fact that someone is violating his “sovereign right” to always be the center of attention. Another option is when jealousy is instilled from childhood - children observe this behavior in their parents. In this case, jealousy is fixed as a model of normal behavior in marital relationships, as a “manifestation of love.” VECTOR OF JEALOUSY DIRECTION Depending on the type of personality and upbringing, people direct their jealousy to different objects.
Most often, jealousy spills out on the one who is jealous. Love begins to transform into its opposite until it turns into hatred. The jealous person begins with suspicion and gradually loses control over himself, not noticing that he is already striving to insult and humiliate, in any way to cause suffering to his “object of love and jealousy.” He turns a once-loved person into an object of persecution and revenge, often explaining all this with an ironic-sounding declaration: “After all, I love you so much! " At the same time, this persecution can be sophisticated and veiled, or it can be simple and rude in the form of constant scandals, and even beatings. The second version of the scenario is that all anger and rage are directed at someone who is a real or imaginary opponent. Then the loved one is perceived as an innocent victim of an insolent tempter or an insidious temptress. And the jealous person himself acts as a Noble Protector - a Knight or as a Mother, protecting her “Child” from attempts at corruption and seduction. In both cases, the Beloved (Beloved) is unconsciously assigned the role of a wordless and weak-willed person who does not decide anything, but only follows the desires of others - a kind of calf on a string. Agree that the role is quite humiliating and assumes that the only one who will decide how you live and with whom you communicate is your Jealous Partner. The third development option is possible when a person is very unsure of himself, dependent, accustomed to looking for the reasons for his troubles within himself and his behavior, or brought up in such traditions that jealousy is considered a great vice. Then jealousy turns into self-flagellation and self-criticism. A jealous person begins to pursue his love object with obsessive attention, attempts to earn love, endless “Do you love me? " An even darker option is when a person torments himself with thoughts that he is unworthy, does not deserve love, and life is over. Such thoughts sometimes lead to suicide. Sometimes, however, this is just a declaration of intention to “commit suicide”, an attempt to manipulate your partner and “prove to him/her” that “no one will love you as much as I do!” You are the whole meaning of my life.” This blackmail can be repeated regularly if the “victim of jealousy” supports this game and makes concessions. Perhaps someone is flattered by such “devotion,” but in most cases it traumatizes the person, weighs him down with responsibility for the life of another in the literal sense, and makes him fear that any wrong step could cause the death of the person dependent on him. We’ll talk about the physiology of jealousy, what health consequences it leads to, and how you can get rid of it in the second part of the article.

Why are people jealous?

And now we will try to figure out what to do if you yourself are a pathological jealous person. Recognizing the problem is the first step towards fixing it. The second step is to understand its nature.

So where does this feeling come from? Why are you experiencing it? There may be several reasons for this:

You are afraid of loneliness . You hold on to relationships painfully, constantly comparing yourself to other girls/men. Deep down, you think that your partner could leave at any moment, realizing that there are people in the world more worthy of love than you. I recommend an article about why love leaves.
You dwell on the past . It is difficult for you to accept the fact that your companion had a serious relationship before you. Women tend to be jealous of their men who were previously married or in long-term relationships; men tend to blame their beloved for their former “lovingness.”
You lack attention . Your object of desire, due to his busyness and social involvement, cannot always spend time with you. Because of this, there is a feeling of deprivation and obsessive thoughts and fantasies about cheating.
You are susceptible to psychological "transference" . You experienced the betrayal of a loved one, saw your parents or close friends divorce, and now you regard every member of the opposite sex as a potential cheater.

Now that you know all the components of your condition, you can begin correction. Below is a detailed guide to action with which you can help yourself. I also recommend material on working with anxiety and anxiety.

What is addiction?

And now we need to briefly explain how this works in relationships. We can satisfy our needs either at the expense of another person or with the help of another person. Partnership means that I satisfy my needs not at the expense of another person, but with his help. That is, theoretically, I can do it myself, but it’s easier to do it together or with this particular partner. That is, relatively speaking, I can probably find myself another wife, but I like this one. I love this one. I'm not particularly afraid of being alone. But I feel good with this woman, or with this man. This is called interdependence, that is, we are together because we want to be together, and not because we will feel bad otherwise. There is a big difference here.

Now imagine that I have low self-esteem: I believe that no one needs me, and that if my wife leaves me, then I will never find anyone else who needs me. Or I sit at home and my wife feeds me, that is, I am financially dependent. I cannot satisfy my needs on my own, and I satisfy them not with the help of another person, but at the expense of him.

Therefore, I want to say again: in a relationship of dependence there is never trust. It may be demonstrated, but it will not be real.

The fight against jealousy and trust as the key to strong love

Many women and men have their own idea of an ideal romantic relationship. But only a small part of people understand that a lot of effort will have to be made to translate these ideals into reality. The key point is to work on mutual and unconditional trust.

Talk about your feelings . People, even those closest to you, cannot always intuitively guess what you like and what you don’t. If the words or actions of your lover somehow offend you, say so without scandal or emotion, and ask them not to do that. Be straightforward and frank. This is not the case when you should use transparent hints.
Learn to listen . When your partner begins to share his experiences with you, listen to him calmly and without emotion. The more information you learn, the easier it will be for you to work through the problem.
Learn to prevent a quarrel . You probably remember in what situations your significant other begins to get nervous and frown - so take advantage of this information. If you know that your beloved is worried when you are late at work, call and warn if necessary. Learn to explain yourself before they come up with an explanation for your behavior for you.
Feel free to ask questions . If you have any doubts or suspicions, ask about it. For example, if you want to know what your spouse did while you were on a business trip, ask him about how he spent his time. But remember that this should just be a conversation, not an interrogation. Also, don’t constantly bring up your partner’s past – it simply doesn’t make sense.
What will conflict bring me? Ask yourself this question every time you are going to raise your voice to your chosen one. Remember that a person who speaks politely, measuredly and sedately looks more dignified than one who breaks into shouting and swearing.
Be interested in the life and interests of your partner . For example, if your companion loves computer games, ask him to talk about what exactly attracted him to the game, about its plot, etc. You’ll see - he will appreciate this kind of attention, because everyone enjoys talking about something that is really close to him.
Don't try to change a person to suit you . Undoubtedly, partners must learn to coexist harmoniously and adapt to each other’s interests, but this does not mean a complete renunciation of personal freedoms. If your chosen one does not suit you at the initial stage, think about whether it is worth developing a relationship in which you will be uncomfortable?
Protect your personal space and respect your partner's right to be alone . Don't be rude or pushy. Learn to say: “I would like to be alone” instead of “leave me alone,” and also do not impose your company on your chosen one.
Don't lie and don't let yourself be deceived . Remember that untruths always come out. It is impossible to build healthy long-term relationships on lies, even for good.
Be grateful . Say thank you to your partner for both small and big things. When your actions are appreciated, you want to do them again and again.
Focus on your common features : these could be tastes in art, literature, common hobbies and jokes.
Do something together : cook, go shopping, watch movies, go for a walk. After all, community and mutual understanding are what made you fall in love with each other.
Praise : for a deliciously prepared dinner, a promotion, a nailed shelf, or even just because your other half looks good. Everyone is pleased when their efforts are noticed.
Don't criticize publicly . Personal life is “personal” for that reason, because what happens in it should concern only partners. If you have accumulated complaints against your spouse, talk in private, but never sort things out in front of children, relatives or guests.

Hugging, holding hands and simply touching each other more often. Psychologists have proven that tactile sensations affect the degree of trust between partners.

How does jealousy keep a marriage going?

In the famous book “Games People Play,” American psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Berne tells how one person with personal problems selects as a partner someone who will support and nurture these problems. This is such a game: the heroes have developed rules, and they cannot break out of them.

Most likely, you have come across such games in your life. Here's a simple example: a friend complains about some difficult situation, and you offer solutions. But to each option he answers: “Yes, but...”. As a result, not a single proposal is accepted, because the initiator of the game is not playing to get advice, but for some other reason. Moreover, he himself may not even know these reasons.

It’s the same with jealousy: a couple plays a game, but they don’t even understand it themselves, but simply continue to follow the established rules.

Game "If it weren't for him"

Sometimes jealousy is a manifestation of more complex feelings. For example, passion has disappeared in a relationship, and couples act out scenes of jealousy in order to somehow “warm up” feelings and experience strong emotions.

If both partners live this way and are happy with everything, then you don’t have to change anything. For example, the girl Olga specifically does everything to make her boyfriend Maxim jealous: she flirts with bartenders, talks a lot about her male colleagues. And when she manages to provoke Maxim, they quarrel and then make up with the help of violent sex. This doesn't seem like a healthy situation, but couples can live like this for many years.

Signs of jealousy

The main indicator of how jealousy manifests itself is increased anxiety, which, if it goes away, only temporarily. Moreover, from any incoming information that concerns the object of mistrust, the jealous person will receive a source for the development of his anxiety.

People get jealous when they are dependent on a partner. And where there is dependence, there is usually little trust. If codependency has formed in a relationship, then you can forget about trust.

Signs of jealousy are fear, obsessive thoughts, and psychological discomfort. Jealousy is accompanied by suspicion, resentment and claims towards a partner.

A man's jealousy often arises from a sense of ownership. In relationships, such men demonstrate possessive behavior - they forbid a woman to meet with friends and acquaintances, show dissatisfaction with her activity, limit her freedom of choice, and control every step.

Representatives of the stronger sex, unsure of themselves and their masculine powers, tend to be suspicious of a woman and experience obsessive jealousy - where she is, who she is with. Because of their own insecurities, such men see everyone as a rival. In a couple's relationship there will definitely be quarrels and scandals. A woman always suffers in such situations.

It happens that the “wild fantasy” and imagination of a man or woman “completes” a picture of their partner’s possible behavior at a certain moment. The deterioration of their psychological state depends on how far people go in their fantasies. Worsening the situation leads to an outburst of emotions and conflict with the other half.

Both men and women can feel jealous of their partner’s past—ex-wives, husbands, lovers. Many people cannot stop being jealous of the past of those they are with at the moment. In such situations, there is a moment of comparison and fear that the partner misses his “ex”.

You reek of someone else's love. "Sin City" (crime thriller, 2005)

The cause of jealousy may be a response to jealousy directed at you. Such situations are accompanied by reproaches and attempts to blame the other side in order to protect oneself. This type of reaction cannot be attributed to jealousy in its pure form. More often it looks like a way of self-defense.