Betrayal: 8 main stages of living, how to survive

After the betrayal of a loved one, an emptiness appears in the soul, confusion and confusion settle in the heart, and one question beats in the head: “how to survive betrayal” so as not to do things that you will later regret for a long time.

It is quite difficult to regain peace of mind after such an event; besides, you need to decide how to live further, understand yourself and understand whether it is worth trying to restore the family.

To forgive or not to forgive

Forgiving betrayal is not an easy step. Accepting and understanding the action will help you heal from trauma, understand yourself, and restore self-esteem. It is important not to confuse forgiveness with a desperate desire to save a dying relationship.

The best option is to break up, but without anger or resentment towards your ex.

These feelings poison life, interfere with the formation of new relationships, and constantly remind you of the fact of betrayal, so you need to get rid of them.

More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.

Tips to help you forgive and survive betrayal:

Accept betrayal as a fait accompli. To sincerely forgive your partner, you need to stop looking for excuses and hope that the relationship will incredibly return to its previous course. Instead, a person should come to terms with the act and understand whether he is ready for forgiveness.
Don't hide your feelings. A frank conversation with the offender will help not only to understand the reasons for what happened, but also to ease the pain and gain emotional release. After hearing the traitor's version of events, a person will more easily understand the motives of his actions.
Refuse to play the victim. Cheating is a serious offense that cannot be justified, but two people are responsible for any discord in a relationship. To forgive a partner, a person needs to analyze his own actions, admit his part of the guilt (but without self-flagellation and removing responsibility from the traitor).
Move away. Distance yourself from the traitor, stop thinking about him, emotionally invest in other people - children, parents, friends, a new passion. Then the pain from betrayal will subside, attachment to the “criminal” will disappear, and it will become easier to forgive him.

Forgiveness should not be forced - it must come from the soul. If a person does not want or cannot stop blaming his partner for this act, he should also come to terms with this.

The easiest way is to forgive your own betrayal.
More than 9,000 people have gotten rid of their psychological problems using this technique.
© Kristina Kofta

How to forgive3

What does this even mean - how to forgive betrayal? Many women believe that this means forgetting so that everything will be as before. It is a trap. Nothing will be the same again. Forgiveness means coming to terms with what happened, with the situation a person is in now, and opening a new situation.

For this to be possible at all, the so-called “awareness” must occur. From a psychologist's point of view, relationships are exact mathematics. Any move must be thought out. A woman must therefore demand, clearly pose the question: “you offended me, it hurts, if you want to come back to me, you must make amends for what you did to me.”

But women often do not want to lose this man, despite the fact that he betrayed. They are so afraid that he will leave that they accept empty promises and do not set conditions. They show him in this way that they place themselves lower than him. That they are capable of forgetting themselves for him. Not worth it. The cruel truth: if his partner is worthless to him, he will betray him again.

Break up or fight for the relationship

Staying in a relationship after cheating is a risky move. Even if partners manage to reconcile and forgive each other, regaining the trust necessary for a functional union is a difficult task. A person who remains with a traitor risks his peace of mind and health - it will be difficult for him not to suspect his spouse of a new affair.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

The following circumstances play a major role in maintaining relationships:

The original intentions of the traitor. Casual sex under the influence of alcohol and long-term, planned deception, including a double life with a lover or mistress, should be perceived differently. In the first case, the culprit often regrets, repents of what happened, and wants to turn back time. In the second, the traitor makes it clear that he is using his partner.
Previous situation in the relationship. Cheating does not occur out of nowhere - it is the result of quarrels, separations, sexual and emotional dissatisfaction, and lack of emotions in a relationship. Understanding the motives for betrayal and their objective assessment will help you find out whether the offense was a one-time mistake or a planned betrayal.
Partner's emotions. You need to understand whether the traitor wants to save the family (repents of infidelity, wants to atone for guilt), whether the husband is trying to help his wife survive the betrayal (or vice versa). If the culprit takes the fact of betrayal lightly and makes no effort to earn forgiveness, it is not worth fighting for the relationship.
Family Children. Sometimes a husband and wife continue an unhappy marriage in order to raise a child in a healthy environment, wanting to spare him the stress of divorce. Whether to do so is a controversial issue. A conflict-ridden, dysfunctional family, parents dissatisfied with their marriage are sometimes worse for a child’s psyche than growing up with a single father or mother.

When making a decision, you need to calm down. This takes time - before sorting things out and making a final verdict, you should come to your senses and look at the situation objectively. It is advisable for the victim to temporarily put aside negative (resentment, anger, embarrassment) and positive (attachment, past happy memories) feelings, and then impartially evaluate the partner’s actions.

It is not recommended to seek advice from friends, relatives, or mother. They can console, reassure, give support, support, but their perception of the situation is distorted by sympathy for the victim. If a person needs advice, it is worth contacting a family psychologist.

When choosing a specialist, pay attention to his education, work experience and your personal feelings, how much you like the psychologist. The psychologist selection service Psyinsight.ru will help you find a specialist who will suit you and will be interested in solving your problem. To get started, you need to leave a request on the website and a psychologist will contact you shortly. The session takes place online in any messenger convenient for you.

Cheating is an extreme manifestation of disrespect, after which the relationship cannot remain the same.

The act can be understood, forgiven, justified, but maintaining the union is a desperate step that can harm the well-being and psychological health of the couple. Consequences of continuing a relationship with an unfaithful person:

developing the habit of controlling a partner and keeping an eye on him, annoying him at the slightest provocation;
constant stress due to the likelihood of new betrayal;
decreased self-esteem, loss of self-respect;
strengthening emotional and psychological dependence on the traitor;
loss of opportunity to form healthy connections;
developing beliefs that cheating is normal, becoming accustomed to cruel, disrespectful behavior;
constant temptations to take out a grudge, to take revenge (including to change in response);
living next to a person who constantly reminds you of the trauma you suffered.

Because of this, psychologists do not recommend restoring the union after betrayal. Even if the victim retains love and affection for the traitor, the fact of his action indicates a lack of mutual feelings.

According to statistics, the reason for 90-95% of cheating is not sexual desire, but the inability to satisfy emotional needs with the current partner. Unfaithful people are looking for passion, thrills, tenderness, romance, and trying to increase self-esteem. Some people derive psychological pleasure from the very fact of being able to change and hide it.

Reasons 5

For what reason does a person cheat? It can be different: curiosity, thirst for fresh impressions, the desire to get something new, adrenaline and incredible pleasure that appears because a person does something forbidden, or the desire to find passion and charm that was buried long ago in a serious relationship.

Does cheating make sense? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Of course, it is always very painful. The person closest to you has failed, and through his betrayal he becomes someone else and even an enemy. Painful thoughts swarm and nail you to the ground: “Did I even know him? Why is this happening to me? Why am I worse? What mistakes did I make that I was betrayed? Or was I not attractive enough for him? Claims grow, and rage appears.

Any relationship is a risky endeavor. Nothing can guarantee eternal, cloudless love and life without difficulties. By saying a sacramental “yes,” of course, few people want to assume that one day they will have to overcome the consequences of infidelity. And yet, it happens. Love turns into emptiness and pain.

Is it necessary to take revenge?

Betrayal causes resentment, rage, and anger in people, which gives rise to a desire for revenge. The result of this is retaliatory betrayal, quarrels, and manipulation. In married couples, children suffer from parental scandals and are used as tools for “payback.” In rare cases, it comes to criminal offenses.

The desire for revenge after betrayal is understandable, but deeply destructive. Inflicting reciprocal pain on a former partner brings a short release, followed by new unpleasant experiences. This leads to mental disorders and loss of the ability to enjoy normal activities. Therefore, you should not deliberately take revenge on a traitor.

The best revenge on an unfaithful person is to leave the relationship with dignity and find happiness without him.

To do this, you need to engage in self-development, career, appearance, make new acquaintances, friends, boyfriends. This will help you cope with a breakup, get rid of complexes and feelings of guilt, increase your self-esteem, and learn to love yourself again.

The main reasons for male infidelity

A detailed analysis of the problem can reveal several dozen different reasons for the second half’s betrayal. The reasons depend on internal psychological attitudes, which lead to infidelity. The most common ones include:

Problems at work, a midlife crisis, quarrels in the family - a man is looking for a way to relax, trying to escape from reality. At the same time, someone else’s bed here turns into a “shelter” and is perceived as entertainment.
Sexual dissatisfaction - the stronger sex is offended that the spouses no longer look and behave like they did before the wedding. The passion subsides. Husbands also seek satisfaction of unfulfilled desires, erotic fantasies, which they are embarrassed to admit or which they are denied.
There are few common points of intersection (hobbies, social circles, life goals and preferences, worldviews) - acute differences in life priorities result in a couple moving away from each other and include the desire to find a like-minded person elsewhere.
“Everyday life” - monotony, familiarity and predictability of relationships. When daily hassles and routine have long replaced romance, the husband is looking for novelty and freshness of impressions.

Other reasons include:

the need to assert one’s personality;
desire to increase self-esteem;
search for new experiences;
the desire to take revenge for the infidelity of the spouse;
the inability or unwillingness to overcome the “instinct” of a predator;
testing the strength of a marriage, the desire to “shake up” the relationship in this way.

It is very important to understand the reason for betrayal in order to reconsider the model of previous relationships and avoid betrayal in the future.

How to survive your husband's betrayal

Male infidelity is a great stress and grief for the wife. The loss of stability associated with having a husband, a drop in self-esteem, and a feeling of betrayal have a negative impact on the quality of life and psychological well-being. To cope with the situation, you must follow the following recommendations:

Stop comparing yourself to your rival. Contrary to stereotypes, men do not choose only beautiful, young, sexy girls to cheat on. Anyone can become a competitor - it depends on many uncontrollable factors.
Work on self-esteem. The easiest way is to take care of your own appearance: attend makeup and manicure courses, work on your figure, try a new clothing style. These activities will distract you from negative thoughts after cheating, and the new image of a “desirable woman” will get rid of your complexes and attract the attention of men.
Take care of your health. The female body reacts violently to stress, which manifests itself in the occurrence of specific sexual diseases. Therefore, it is recommended to visit a psychologist, endocrinologist, or gynecologist.
Reconsider the value of a man. Despite the marriage, the husband remains a free man, free to leave or stay. If he decided to cheat and did not honestly end the relationship, then he was not a valuable partner to begin with.
Find support. Talk to friends, speak out on a forum, find a community of help for survivors of betrayal. Talking to someone who understands can sometimes ease emotional baggage just as well as professional therapy.

A woman will be able to survive betrayal more easily if she knows the myths about male infidelity:

Men don't cheat because of their appearance. According to statistics, most cheaters do not consider their mistresses more beautiful than their wives. Therefore, developing complexes and comparing yourself with your rivals is a waste of time and nerves.
The woman is to blame for her husband's betrayal. Problems in the relationship that led to betrayal lie with both companions. But the final decision to deceive, and not to part with the world, was made by the husband. The wife has every right to be angry and not blame herself.
Male infidelity is “better” than female infidelity. Legends that a husband cheats “physically, not spiritually,” “is polygamous by nature,” and so on are excuses for self-justification and deception of naive girls. The severity of the act does not depend on gender. A wife has the right to judge her unfaithful husband fairly.

Recovering from betrayal sometimes takes years. Sensitive people who have experienced deep emotional trauma will need help from a psychologist or psychiatrist.

The belief that a husband betrays his wife just for sex causes women to forgive unfaithful partners more often than they should. In fact, both guys and girls usually seek emotional intimacy in affairs.

How to behave after reconciliation

To do this, you need to devote more time to your appearance. Lose excess weight, get a beautiful hairstyle and always greet your husband with a smile.
Try to scold your spouse less. Let him relax after work in your company with an interesting conversation or movie, and not listen to his wife’s grumbling or complaints.
In intimate relationships, it is better to relax and try everything your husband wants, otherwise he may go looking for what he wants on the side. This is how their nature works.
Try to share your husband’s interests, be cheerful, beautiful, satisfied with life, and you will succeed.
The main thing is that the desire to restore the marriage is mutual. If the husband does not have it, and he agreed to return to the family out of despair, then the situation will repeat itself again. And again pain, disappointment, tears...
Every woman who has gone through betrayal has her own recipe for how to survive her husband’s betrayal, but the basic rule remains the same - the ability to forgive mistakes. This is the only way to start a new happy life.

How to survive your wife's betrayal

For a husband, a woman’s infidelity is not only a betrayal and a sign of the death of a relationship, but also a blow to pride and self-esteem. It is more difficult for a man to survive his wife’s affair due to the lack of support and compassion. One’s own pride, social prejudices, and stereotypes prevent a person from seeking help. He does not allow himself to cry into his girlfriend’s vest and is embarrassed to consult a psychologist. Because of this, men often choose unhealthy mechanisms for dealing with stress - getting drunk, getting into fights, taking drugs.

6 tips on how to behave after your wife cheats:

Stop idealizing your partner, overestimating the severity of the loss. If the relationship reached the point of betrayal, the beloved woman was not as good as her husband thought about her. Probably, the relationship would have caused many problems in the future if the man had not found out about the betrayal in time.
Understand that breaking up a relationship is not the end of life. Start communicating with new ladies, friends, family - this will help get rid of the fear of loneliness, sad thoughts, difficult memories.
Treat female betrayal with humor. If you exaggerate an unpleasant situation and turn it into a joke, negative emotions will subside. Humor can be used to express pain and sadness without fear of showing weakness or vulnerability.
Stop suppressing emotions. Cheating on your wife is an unpleasant, difficult situation that leaves behind psychological scars. Feeling and showing rage, anger, sadness after it is normal if you know the time and place.
Immerse yourself in work, find a new hobby. Constantly doing something fun, useful, and interesting will help you fight difficult thoughts. By shifting his attention to his career and hobbies, a man thinks less about the unpleasant situation with his wife.
Go on a date, get carried away with a new girl. The root of the darkest thoughts about betrayal lies in the fear of loneliness - a man is afraid that he will lose “the one” and will not be able to find a replacement. After talking with different women, he will understand that the feeling of affection and love is not unique.

It is extremely difficult for a man to get out of depression after his wife’s betrayal, especially if it is accompanied by a trial, division of property, or problems with children. Friends, an experienced psychologist, and anonymous support groups on the Internet will help you cope with betrayal.

Why do women leave their families?

With women everything is much more complicated. Wives rarely leave a family with children without taking the child with them. Otherwise, a lover may appear on the side, but she will never move in with him if he refuses to accept his only son or daughter. Therefore, let’s analyze a situation that often happens in marital relationships where there is no mutual understanding and attention:

Female infidelity happens if there is not enough attention to a beautiful person. She gets bored in the evenings, struggles with everyday life, getting the children ready for school, spending several hours every day at the stove, working. And in response: “I’m tired after a hard day at work, feed me and put me in the bedroom.” Any mother will live for the sake of her child, but will never again, out of a feeling of love, give her husband a smile and tenderness. She will find several hours a day to devote herself to the mystery of love relationships, but with another man.
Lack of love and passion. Over the years, if a woman realizes that she has fallen out of love, she is capable of betrayal, capable of even leaving the marital home. At the same time, it will be very difficult to stop her. She will refuse a share of property, money, benefits, but will do as her heart tells her.

It is worth understanding that it is important for girls to receive a little in order to give back. If a young man cares better and more, she will never look at another. Separately, psychologists identify a category of women who may “suffer” from this feeling. They guard the object of their desire at work, at home, in the yard, just to see him and draw attention to themselves. Unrequited feelings in such cases can give rise to a feeling of inadequacy in women, which they will use on other victims, cheating and betraying those who truly value them. This is called revenge on the male gender. Such young ladies believe that all men cheat and it is better to do this in revenge for the entire female race, citing offended feelings in past relationships.

What not to do

When faced with betrayal, it is important to act wisely, maintaining dignity and rational thinking. By avoiding common mistakes, you can sort out relationships and survive betrayal without unnecessary stress.

Panic

The first reaction when betrayal is discovered is fear, shock, panic. The realization that a relationship has changed forever leads to anxious thoughts and irrational decisions. Attempts by the mind to cope with the situation and solve all the problems that have arisen at once lead to confusion and stress.

Therefore, you need to drive away unnecessary thoughts with an effort of will and concentrate on the current situation, calmly talking with your partner.

Trying to find a reason

Cheating is an act that is led to by many factors over which the victim has no influence.

Stereotypical excuses for betrayal, such as lack of warmth, monotony in sex, separation, may not be its cause.

Sometimes it is committed due to a pathological craving for thrills, an impulsive outburst of passion, or the natural fading of old feelings. Tormenting yourself with a search for reasons is an unproductive activity that leads to unnecessary stress.

Create a scandal

If the husband came into the house after a night with his mistress or the wife returned after cheating, you should not start a heated quarrel.

The victim, who has just learned of the betrayal, is in a vulnerable position in relation to the traitor and is unable to adequately fight back. Most likely, the partner has already prepared a line of defense and will turn the situation around in such a way that she herself will feel guilty. Therefore, it is worth entering into disputes and arguments after some time, when the pain subsides and feelings cool down.

Compare yourself with the culprit(s)

A common misconception about cheating is that the partner sees the lover as the ideal person. This is not so - a traitor can choose anyone for an affair, regardless of personal qualities, appearance, intelligence, wealth, status. Comparing yourself with a competitor, looking for weaknesses, and trying to quickly change yourself will bring nothing to the victim except emotional pain.

Betrayal is a strong shock for any person. It is difficult to get over it and forgive it. A deep analysis of the situation, psychological support from family and friends, and switching attention to hobbies, work, and relationships with other people will help you cope with trauma.

If you don’t want to give up and are ready to really, and not in words, fight for your full and happy life, you may be interested in this article .

What happens after a man's betrayal?

After betrayal, one of four outcomes is possible:

the husband leaves both his wife and his new passion;
remains in the family, but does not stop dating his mistress;
husband leaves for a new lover;
The husband broke off his relationship with his mistress and asks for forgiveness.

The first option is extremely rare. The second outcome harms three people at once, therefore, in terms of the level of neuroticism, it is considered the most unfavorable. You will have to come to terms with the third option, but it is good because the wife understands: the husband has made up his mind and no longer has any hopes for a life together.

Psychologists consider the fourth outcome of events to be the most difficult. The relationship between the spouses will continue, but the woman’s trust will be lost. She will have to deal with internal resentment and stop thinking about cheating.

Why my husband constantly cheats: the opinion of a psychologist

Psychologists say that some representatives of the stronger sex are capable of cheating on an ongoing basis. These are womanizers, eternal bachelors, who, just as they were free before the wedding, feel that way after.

The reasons for constant affairs may be as follows:

He doesn’t understand why he should give up his desires.
A hunter husband and winning a new girl - a hobby, a sport
He cannot suppress his natural instincts, that is, he does not know how to control himself.

The opinion of others is important for this type, so betrayals are committed in secret. If his wife tries to interrupt her usual way of life, he will file for divorce.

Ways to protect your relationship from cheating

It is impossible to give a guarantee that there will be no betrayal from your husband. But every woman can minimize the risk of betrayal. So:

It is worth paying attention to your partner’s habits and hobbies. As practice shows, common interests bring us very close together.
Sex and more sex. You should not turn this part of life with your loved one into a habit. And what measures you take for this is up to you.
The danger of being around all the time. Therefore, we pay attention to each other’s personal space in order to get a little bored.
We keep ourselves in shape – physical and psychological. We are constantly developing.
Fewer scandals - more constructive conversations.

If you want to avoid unnecessary conflicts with your husband, then read this article! She will help you with your problems.

We tell you how to protect yourself from your husband’s cheating

How men explain their infidelity: a male perspective

The problem of male adventures is not often considered from a male perspective. Here are several reasons for adultery from the point of view of the stronger sex:

After the wedding, the girl changed . Instead of a sweet, well-groomed lady, they see a grumpy woman who never wears makeup, always muttering.
The object of conquest is lost . Even if the girl is still as good, then in any case she has already been conquered.
Alcohol . There is little to add here; infidelity often occurs under the influence of alcohol.
Chronic bachelor . Some people are so accustomed to the rhythm of life, when they seduce one after another, that even in a permanent relationship they can continue to act out of inertia.
Dissatisfaction . This takes into account not only the bed, but also the lack of affection and support.

Men subconsciously choose women who look like their mothers

Self-affirmation in your own and others' eyes.
I have an opportunity . Most do not change because there is no available option, there is no money or time. However, if there is an opportunity, then why not?
Adrenaline . Adultery gives pleasant sensations not only in the usual sense, but it also involves risk, adrenaline, and new sensations.
Respite . Intrigues arise from the desire to interrupt the series of gray, monotonous everyday life.
Revenge . Revenge for a ruined shirt, for eternal brainwashing, or for female affairs.
Accident . I didn’t plan it, but I overcame the polygamous essence.
Dirty pleasures . Many males want a relaxed person in bed without complexes. However, not everyone is ready to see their wife in this role. This type clearly divides their life.
The influence of friends . The desire to gain recognition from friends, to show off a new trophy.

Men are prone to gossip too