How to forget your ex-husband: advice and recommendations from psychologists

4 2191 April 19, 2021 at 03:34 pm Author of the publication: Marina Alekseeva Tatyana Prokhorova

Cozy cafe, aromatic Americano and Prague. Actually, I love cappuccino. He loves Americano. How long has it been since the divorce? More than a year? Yes. More than a year since we broke up, and I still come to our cafe and order his favorite coffee. How to forget your ex-husband? Unanswered question...

At first it was empty, lonely and scary. The feeling that the ground has disappeared from under your feet. No, not even that. As if in a marshy swamp or deep snow, I’m looking for support with my foot, but I’m falling deeper and deeper. There is emptiness beneath me, and there is nothing to cling to.

Afterwards, resentment and pain overwhelm you. Tears wash away foundation and powder. I changed my mascara to waterproof one a long time ago: it doesn’t run. A huge grief piercing through the soul from the realization that we are no longer together. How to contain this grief? It freezes the whole body, squeezes the throat in a silent scream. It’s impossible to go further, I sit down and sob somewhere on a bench at a metro station or right in the middle of the street, leaning against the wall of some building. It's forever. I lost him forever.

There are days when I walk around and smile stupidly, remembering the touching or funny moments of our life. Everything is so real, real. It’s as if there is no world around. Now I feel the warmth of his hand under my palm, the roughness of the T-shirt and the coolness of the river. But we are just drinking tea together. My husband loves it with bergamot. We laugh. It is impossible to forget this. And it seems that separation is a misunderstanding, divorce is a temporary forced circumstance, a break to think. Soon everything will be the same.

What prevents you from forgetting your ex-boyfriend?

The hardest thing to get through is the first few months after a breakup. Often women lose touch with the outside world, family, and friends. They feel abandoned, useless and do not know how to stop loving their ex-husband. Although some of them, after 2–3 weeks, begin to search for gentlemen with renewed vigor.

READ How to save a family on the verge of divorce: advice from a psychologist

It depends on the character of the particular lady:

For melancholic and choleric people, the first stage after separation is difficult due to the fact that they have a tendency to be overly attached. They find it difficult to concentrate on anything other than the fact of the end of their life together. Such women engage in self-examination, and then begin to blame themselves for not saving their family.
Sanguine and phlegmatic people are cold-blooded, so they bounce back faster. They view the breakup of a relationship not as the end of their personal life, but as the next step in personal development.

And also the reasons that a girl is not able to forget a guy can be:

Lack of desire. At the subconscious level, she clings to past relationships, although the man has begun a new personal life. The girl just doesn’t want to forget her ex.
Excess free time. Tears are an effective way to relieve stress, but it is important not to let the condition linger. You can complain about your hard life to someone close to you and begin to achieve new heights.
Lack of confidence in strength. The woman is sure that no one needs her except her ex-husband, and she has practically no chance for a new happy relationship.
Energy, psychological attachment. At the time of the relationship, the couple feeds the joint energy field with love. And after a breakup, an energy vacuum appears inside a person, which is an obstacle to a happy future life.

If a woman does not have enough strength to cope with the pain of loss, it is better to consult a psychotherapist.

In order not to lead to a critical situation, it is unacceptable to allow suffering to last for a long period: this provokes depression, which can cause harm to mental health and life. Advice and recommendations from a psychologist will help you cope with the bitterness of loss and start your life anew.

Main stages

According to psychologists, the appropriate age for marriage is up to 28 years old, and for first love - 21 years old.
The latter often ends unsuccessfully, and young people experience loss. During a difficult period, it is important to understand that many people go through this; you just need to get over the breakup. It's difficult, but the situation gives experience for the future. Psychology calls separation a loss of relationship and divides this period into 5 stages, after which a person returns to a normal mental state and regains the ability to build a happy life.

READ What should a child do if his parents are getting divorced?

Negation

This stage occurs after the woman finds out about the divorce. The first reaction manifests itself differently for everyone. Screaming and hysteria or complete numbness and apathy. The girl is in a state of shock, she is scared and she does not understand how she can forget her ex-still beloved husband and start a free new life. The realization of the man’s departure and the lack of a future together has not yet come. Denial is a painkiller that temporarily pushes away the bitterness of parting. With her mind, the woman understands everything perfectly, but her heart does not want to put up with the current situation.

As a rule, ladies withdraw into themselves, cut off all contacts with others, and perform all necessary actions without any enthusiasm. At the end comes the stage of denial. The woman hopes that the man will come to his senses and return.

During this period, it is important not to be alone with your worries, but, on the contrary, to be more with friends or burden yourself with everyday worries. Thanks to constant employment, there is simply no time left to worry.

Anger

This stage is marked by the manifestation of rage and hatred. As a rule, they are aimed at the ex-spouse or his new passion. The woman is angry that he caused her this pain and did not give her a chance to improve the situation.

In addition, negative emotions are projected onto other potential culprits in the breakdown of relationships. These include friends who knew about her husband's infidelities, or acquaintances who could have contributed to his decision to leave. Accusations can also be directed at fate or evil fate, higher powers and other circumstances that provoked this situation.

There is no point in being ashamed of your emotions and pushing away loved ones who want to support you. On the contrary, if you share your experiences, throw out all the pain and resentment, it will become much easier.

Bargain

After the first awareness of what happened, a period of relative conscious analysis of the situation begins. When the reason for her husband’s departure is revealed, the girl tries to build a dialogue with him and agree on restoring the relationship.

Most often this is accompanied by a large number of phone calls and messages asking them to forgive all mistakes and come back. She tries to come up with various ways to return everything to its previous places, not wanting to put up with what is happening. And also the woman blames herself for what is happening, but in most cases this does not correspond to the real reason for the man’s departure. A woman is afraid to look into the future, so she clings to the past.

To cope with such a state, you need to limit possible contacts with your ex and try to give yourself as few attitudes as possible like: “I love him and I can’t live without him.”

Depression

This stage is the most difficult. The woman feels absolutely helpless and lost. She doesn’t know how to forget her ex-husband forever. During this period, emotional experiences reach maximum strength and can be felt even physically. It comes after full awareness of the end of the relationship. If a depressive state drags on for too long, it can lead not only to psychological problems, but also to deterioration in overall health. In such a state, a girl can commit rash and very terrible actions, even causing harm to her own health.

Now, more than ever, a lady needs the support and care of others. It is not recommended to experience depression alone.

Adoption

The last stage consists of two parts: acceptance and humility. The girl finally understands that the past cannot be returned, she is looking for ways to forget her ex-husband forever and let go of the situation, trying to adapt to new living conditions. Mental wounds gradually heal, the pain of loss passes. The woman gradually returns to her usual rhythm of life and begins to make plans. Perhaps he will even start looking for a new partner. The main criterion for the beginning of the last stage is the lady’s peace of mind even after contact with her ex.

Now it is important for her not to give up, try to raise her self-esteem, and also believe in her uniqueness.

Love and longing for a loved one, for a happy past together.

Sincere and deep feelings for a person are what once tied you together. The fact that life together was, in general, happy is an invaluable life experience. Longing for the past is normal.

Give yourself space to grieve about it. The breakup of a relationship is a real loss, grief. When we get stuck at a certain stage of grief, we cannot move on, we block the transition to the next stages, and we do not give ourselves the opportunity to accept what happened. Thus, we do not give ourselves the right to straighten up to our full height, straighten our shoulders, raise our heads high and look around.

Sometimes, by trying to repress or deny negative feelings caused by the grief of losing someone dear and loved, we only aggravate our own condition. We try to smile where we should cry, we try to remain silent where we should shout with all our might. Respect for your own feelings and emotions will make it easier to survive the consequences of betrayal.

How to behave to forget your husband

Any woman changes radically after a separation or divorce. But in order for the changes to bring only benefits, you need to get rid of all memories of the relationship. The lady needs to learn to live in a new way, without her husband.

READ Life after divorce: how to become happy again

To understand how to forget and let go of your ex-husband after a divorce, famous family psychologists recommend striving for physical and psychological changes at the same time:

Spend more time communicating with friends.
Your spouse's belongings, gifts, and anything that may remind you of him should be given to him immediately or thrown away.
Engage in self-improvement: theaters, books, travel.
Change your appearance: change your makeup and hairstyle, update your wardrobe, join a gym.
Don't refuse attention from other men. It is not at all necessary to immediately start building a new relationship. But courtship from young people will make you feel attractive and desirable again.

What to do if your husband left you for someone else?

When a husband leaves for another woman, this is a special blow for his wife. After all, such a choice of a man means that the other one is better than his wife. Psychologists have compiled an approximate algorithm of actions that will tell you how to quickly forget your traitorous husband:

Chat with parents. They, like no one else, can help you get through difficult moments in life. The main thing is not to tell in detail what exactly happened.
The ex-spouse and his new passion should be unfriended on all social networks and try to have as little contact with them as possible so that there is no temptation to spy on them.
If a girl is eager to take revenge, you can tell your spouse about her own infidelities (they do not have to be real).
It is allowed to slightly spoil the opinion of others about him by telling them about his shortcomings.
You need to find new hobbies so that you have as little free time as possible. This will prevent the possibility of developing depression.
Change your place of work or even residence. Dramatic changes in life often benefit a person’s psychological state.

Anger and anger.

It is normal to feel anger and anger, aggression and hatred towards your ex-spouse. You can't blame yourself for these feelings! You have the right to them! And here it is important to answer yourself the same questions as in a situation with resentment. Sometimes, even negative feelings can motivate us to take some actions that will later benefit us: achieving success (look at what I have become without you, what I have achieved, you will find out that I am happy and you will regret everything you have done) . However, if these feelings have a destructive impact, form and reinforce ineffective patterns of behavior towards yourself and others (excessive use of various sedatives, alcohol, callousness towards loved ones and friends) it’s worth thinking about!

How to survive a stroke while pregnant

It happens that a man leaves his pregnant wife. Most often, he is simply not ready for such great responsibility. For the girl, this is doubly difficult, because in addition to the bitterness of the loss, she worries about the unborn baby.

A few simple tips will tell you how to forget your unfaithful husband who left for someone else and cope with your worries:

Monitor your physical and mental health. You need to try to restrain your feelings, because they can negatively affect the child.
Prepare for the upcoming birth. Diapers, vests, strollers and much more. Shopping for everything your baby needs will not only take your mind off what’s going on, but will also lift your spirits.
Have a full rest. Healthy sleep, interesting films, books. After giving birth, there will not be much free time left.
Communication with family and friends. Who, if not they, will help and support in difficult times and will not allow you to fall into despondency.
It's easier to deal with what happened. This is difficult, especially against the backdrop of hormonal changes in a woman’s body. But if you look from the other side, then everything is not so scary. There are loved ones nearby, the baby will appear soon. Who knows, perhaps fate, by removing a specific man from the girl’s life, protected her from further troubles. And she will still meet her man.

If there are children

If a couple has small children, then it is important not to involve them in family squabbles. It's not their fault that their parents' relationship isn't going well, so they shouldn't suffer from it. The mother needs to take care not only of herself, but also to ensure that the child does not suffer deep psychological trauma:

To tell the truth. Don't lie to your children about your divorce. They are more sensitive than adults, so they can immediately recognize a lie. You just need to explain in the most loyal way why the parents separate.
Allow communication. Babies love mom and dad equally. Therefore, they should not be prohibited from seeing their father. Not only can this cause psychological trauma to the child, but it will also turn him against the mother.
Answer questions honestly. Even if a child is bothered by painful memories, there is no need to try to shut his mouth or tell him that it is none of his business. He must understand what is happening between the parents. Otherwise, he may decide that he himself is partly or completely to blame for the divorce.

Forgetting your ex if you have a common child is more difficult, because one way or another you will have to contact him. To make the separation period a little easier, you should follow a few simple rules:

Spend more time with children.
As much as possible, go somewhere without them to relax.
Minimize contacts with relatives of your ex-spouse.

How to start a new life

After a divorce, the hardest thing to cope with is loneliness, when there is no one else to count on and you have to solve all the problems yourself.

To understand how to forget your ex-husband, get over a breakup and cope with depression, you need to follow these tips:

Stop analyzing past relationships. The more a woman remembers the ended relationship and looks for those to blame, the worse she will feel morally. Therefore, it is better to leave them in the past and forget them like a bad dream.
Don't communicate with your ex. If you can’t completely eliminate him from your life, then you need to at least reduce any contact with him to a minimum.
Change the situation. It is best to change your job and move to another city. But as an alternative, a simple home renovation with a radical rearrangement of furniture is suitable.
Take care of yourself. All freed energy must be directed towards self-realization and improvement. Career growth, search for a new hobby, change of image. Everything a woman dreamed of during her marriage, but could not afford simply because she did not have the time and energy for it.
Open up to new relationships. Some girls are sure that they will not be able to build a happy relationship after a divorce. But they are very wrong. On the contrary, the next attempt will be more successful due to the experience gained.

Accusations from close associates

It also happens!

It's your own fault
If you were a good wife and housewife, he would not have left you
He lost interest in you because you stopped taking care of yourself
I should have spent less time at work
She left her children without a father because of her pride! Why did you start making a fuss? Everyone changes! I could have been patient
You have to hold on to the man! Who will need you now?
Mom, did dad leave because of you?
It was YOU who kicked out your father!

Situations when high hopes are placed on loved ones and relatives, when you expect support, and not condemnation and devaluation of your own experiences, can greatly affect your psycho-emotional state. Here the danger of depression because:

self-esteem drops (I was abandoned, I am unworthy, I am unloved)
willy-nilly you begin to believe in the accusations of others (maybe they are right, it’s not he who is a scoundrel, but I was a bad wife)
loved ones are a source of sadness (there is no support, but there is a circle of accusations and condemnation)
hopes for the future are quickly fading (I will never be happy again, no one can love me anymore, I will never love again, now I will always be alone)

If you feel that you are under such pressure, do not delay asking for help!

How to forget your ex-boyfriend, advice from a psychologist

Forgetting a loved one is very difficult, but if he left and no longer wants to be with the girl, then this must be done. After all, without parting with the memories of one relationship, it is impossible to start another. To understand how to forget a loved one, as well as to make this process easier and painless, you need to follow simple advice from psychologists:

Understand the true reason for the breakup and come to terms with it.
Do not try to stalk your ex-boyfriend, and also no calls or messages.
Forget about him and not remember him as the most important and dear person in life.
Pay more time and attention to yourself and your desires.
Spend more time in the company of friends and relatives.
Busy yourself with work or immerse yourself in a new hobby so that there is no time left for suffering.
Blaming yourself for all mortal sins is pointless. How to think that everything could have turned out differently.

Forgive and let go

In order for a new relationship to be successful and strong, it is important to complete the previous ones. In this case, what is needed is not denial of separation, but its complete acceptance, despite all the pain. The relationship itself and the ex-spouse who left the family need to be released and forgotten.

When a girl can communicate with a man without falling into hysterics, and without trying to gain his favor again, this will mean the end.

It is important not to try to hide your experiences and emotions, but to throw them out in the safest and most effective way. Cry, write a letter, beat a soft toy.

Breathe positivity into your life

To understand how to quickly forget your ex-husband and achieve your goal, you need to love and respect yourself. There is no need to rely on the opinions of others: the only thing that matters is how a woman feels about herself. To do this, first of all, you need to accept your strengths and weaknesses. And if you are not satisfied with something, then engage in self-improvement. Even the smallest efforts will bring huge results. You just need to set a task and persistently move towards it through any obstacles.

READ I don’t want to divorce my wife: what to do to return my beloved to the family

Don't isolate yourself. Communication with friends and relatives will help not only lift your spirits, but also get practical advice on how to move on with your life.

Divorce does not mean the end of all plans. It gives a woman many new opportunities. The main thing is to survive the first period after a breakup, not give up and learn to live again.

Jealousy

Everything is fine in his life today! He is happy in his new relationship, he has children with his new wife, he is raising her children, he does not pay enough attention to your children together, he has stopped contacting your relatives. It seems that he has never paid so much love, attention and care towards you, and he literally idolizes his “new family”. Jealousy is a very strong and destructive feeling. If all your thoughts are absorbed in thoughts and fantasies about his new life without you, then it is better to contact a specialist without delay, because you begin to live in an illusory world, you begin to live HIS life, completely losing interest in what is relevant and important to you.