Pleasant moments and beautiful photos together, passionate nights and tender touches, memories of mutual “Yes”... How all this warms the soul while you are in a relationship - and what severe pain it causes when the decision to divorce is made. It seems that life will no longer sparkle with the same bright colors, will not be filled with the same light and joy, will not bring so much tenderness and smiles. Is it so? How to survive the period of separation and breathe deeply again?
Each couple comes to divorce in their own way - everyone has their own reasons, their own arguments and their own motivation for this decision. However, divorce never comes as a bolt from the blue.
There are always prerequisites. There is always intuition. There is always the opportunity to return everything.
You know, it's like cooking. Imagine that getting to know each other is kneading dough, adding various ingredients to it for the taste, aroma and structure of the baked goods. The decision to get married is the moment you put your cake in the oven. You check, set the temperature, preheat the oven, turn on convection if necessary. And marriage itself is the time when you bake the cake...
And it seems that everything is simple - I set a timer and turned off the oven at the sound signal. But there are force majeure events! The same goes for divorce - if a burning smell starts to come from the oven, then something is going wrong. And the sooner you smell this smell, the greater the chance of saving your culinary masterpiece.
But now the masterpiece has burned down. Happens. Does this mean you'll never be able to bake something as delicious as you planned? No, you absolutely can do this. And therefore, you should not equate your separation with your ex-spouse to grief on a universal scale. Yes, this situation is very sad, unpleasant - and you need to live it, let it go and prepare for the moment when you can knead the dough again.
How to do it? Is it possible to close once and for all those issues that won’t go away? How to survive a divorce and become happy again? I offer you four steps to help you prepare for your new life.
We went through a divorce. What's next?
Your recovery may take a couple of months, six months, a year or even two. Believe me, you will feel it when it happens. Until then, be energized and developed, invest time and resources into becoming the best version of yourself as an individual, as a professional and as a woman.
But don’t put off the goal “To meet your dear, only, dear person and build a long-term, happy relationship with him, which will later develop into a family.” Start moving towards this goal now.
Here is my author's algorithm for a happy marriage.
- Determine the starting point - your roles and mistakes in the relationship. You will do this in the 5 steps that we discussed above. Of course, it’s more effective to turn to a specialist - this way you can analyze your mistakes much deeper and from different angles, and the process of analyzing your roles in relationships and working on mistakes will go much faster.
- Conduct a subtle internal and external transformation of yourself. This point includes not only the gym for “minus 3 kg,” but also the ability to present oneself, creating a harmonious image and acquiring the right, giving energy, mastering self-presentation skills, external and internal transformation. It is at this step that you prepare to meet the man of your dreams - you clear your emotions, upgrade your image so that it matches your goals, learn to communicate and correspond with men, go on dates successfully, etc.
- Entry into the world of men. At this stage, you need to learn how to quickly determine whether a potential “suitor” is suitable for your purpose or not. It is also here that you begin to actively meet and communicate. Moreover, your task is to do everything to be an interesting and desirable woman, to inspire men to communicate and get closer. Aim for 10-15 dates per month.
- The stage of creating relationships that lead to marriage.
- Marriage itself and deepening, improving your relationship with your husband throughout your life.
It seems that the algorithm is simple and every woman knows about it even on an intuitive level, but this is only imaginary simplicity. So get rid of all the emotions that are associated with past relationships (we discussed how to do this above). And then write to yourself 5-7 steps that you will take in order to pass the first 2 points of the algorithm.
Remember the proverb “They knock out a wedge with a wedge”? The same thing happens in relationships - in order not to sit and dwell on the past, you need to think of the desired future for yourself and move towards it. And then there will be no place or time left for worries.
How to return to personal harmony in the field of divorce - psychologists know
The reaction to divorce depends on the characteristics of the psyche and can be purely
individual.
But it is still different for men and women.
Representatives of the gentler sex begin to worry immediately after separation, even before the official divorce process. The most difficult emotional period occurs in the first year after the departure of the head of the family. At this point, the first signs of depression begin to appear, and a suicide attempt cannot be ruled out.
If the divorce was initiated by the spouse, the man has a hard time.
Such a decision often comes as a surprise to him, because in the male opinion, any conflicts can be resolved. And he does not realize what they can lead to. The man does not yet realize what has happened, it seems that this is a dream. At first, a state of detachment and apathy arises.
It is easier for a woman to “release” negative emotions. Gatherings with girlfriends and sobbing on your parent's shoulder will help with this. Men keep everything inside themselves, so it is more difficult for them to get rid of heavy emotional burden. He just needs to find a listener who will sympathize.
If the divorce was provoked by a man, then at first he “flies” and enjoys freedom.
There is no longer any place in his life for family feuds, reproaches, problems and responsibilities. It seems to him that this is the beginning of a new chapter in his life, in which there will certainly be acquaintances, entertainment, prospects and horizons. A state of melancholy sets in much later, when he realizes that this new life is not as rosy as it seemed.
After a divorce, most often children remain to live with their mother. This is another factor that aggravates a man’s condition after a divorce.
An empty house and a rare opportunity to see children increases the feeling of loneliness.
Due to different reactions to separation, each gender has its own ways of getting out of depression. Let's turn to the advice of psychologists.
Men's therapy
The problem is that many men deny the state of depression. It comes to the point that depression turns into an acute form of psychological illness.
To prevent this from happening, listen to the recommendations of experts who will tell you how to survive a divorce from your wife:
- alcohol and binge drinking will not help you escape from reality;
- do not withdraw into yourself, do not ignore women (new acquaintances will only help you get used to single life);
- accept the fact of separation and realize that the past cannot be returned;
- you will be imbued with the need to build a new life;
- take up all your free time so that you have no time to “chase” sad thoughts;
- find a new hobby;
- take care of your body and health;
- it's time to take care of your career and self-development;
- don’t sit at home, meet friends, be in company;
- pour out all your worries to your loved one.
If you were unable to emerge from the “quagmire” on your own, make an appointment with a specialist. Mental health is not something to joke about.
Women's therapy
Divorced women have lower self-esteem, so they have to learn to love and respect themselves again. It may take years to restore inner harmony and return to yourself; this is not easy work.
First you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. A victim of circumstances is always a loser, learn to conquer adversity.
Look at the positive side of the situation:
- realize that the state of “being your own mistress” has returned, enjoy it;
- write a new script for yourself and bring it to life;
- let go of memories, live in the present events;
- go on vacation and change your surroundings;
- relax to the fullest (dancing, get-togethers with girlfriends, walks), just don’t sit at home as a prisoner of a past relationship;
- give yourself time to recover, not everything will work out the first time;
- think about your loved ones, show care and attention (this will help take your mind off your own problems);
- learn to enjoy the little things;
- overcome laziness, occupy yourself with even the most insignificant things;
- take care of yourself, change your image;
- pay attention to health and figure;
- Don’t shy away from communicating especially with married friends.
Of course, it’s easier to feel sorry for yourself. But it’s worth fighting for every happy episode of your life.
There will be depression, but it cannot be “triggered”; life does not end with a divorce; on the contrary, it is just beginning.
According to divorce statistics, a quarter of divorced spouses get back together and live even happier lives. Therefore, depression can also be a favorable factor that helps you rethink yourself and your view of marital relationships.
Dividing debts in a divorce is one of the most difficult issues in the entire divorce process. Concluding a prenuptial agreement will help to divide property after the divorce is finalized. Read more about this in our article. Is it possible to get a divorce when the spouses have a child under 1 year old? Find out about it here.
Tips on how to get over a breakup with your spouse if you're pregnant
It is not at all easy to cope with the situation of divorce if you are pregnant. During this period, more than ever, you need a close and dear person nearby to wait for this pleasant event together. But, on the other hand, this is also your incentive to continue living and prepare for the appearance of the most important person in your life.
- Get your priorities right
You are on the verge of meeting your long-awaited baby. Now you are even more responsible for him and you need to give him a double portion of love. Is this really possible if the mother herself is unhappy and suffering? Focus all your attention on the one who really needs your care and affection.
- Don't give up on your personal life
Of course, your baby is too young to plan a new relationship. However, it would be a mistake to devote all of yourself only to the child and forget about your personal happiness. Meeting a man who cares about you and with a child is not at all unrealistic. The main thing is not to think negatively about all men and not to reject the very idea of new happiness.
How to forget your ex-husband after divorce?
Don't forget your ex-husband - this is a big part of your life. Thank him for the experience you have had, for the person you have become, let go of the past and move on.
But if you have become a victim of an abuser, rapist, emotional blackmailer, then you need to get out of this as soon as possible. The most important thing in this case is to restore self-esteem, which suffers greatly in abusive relationships. Consult a psychologist, find help groups, go to loved ones, don't be alone and don't let relationships renew.
In this article
We have collected useful specialized resources to help you survive violence in a relationship.
List of common mistakes that absolutely should not be made
These are mistakes that many women who have gone through divorce make, and that we hope you won't make.
- Trying to return everything because of the fear of being alone.
- Rush in search of new relationships.
- Try to restrain your emotions, put on a mask of confidence and cheerfulness.
- Turning children against their father.
- Blackmail and manipulate children, health.
- Take revenge on your ex-husband.
- Give in to bad habits, drown the pain in alcohol, eat stress with junk food, start smoking.
- Don't take care of yourself. Don’t sleep at night, give up on your body, take medications uncontrollably.
Take the Beck Test
to determine depression
How to get your ex-husband back after divorce and is it worth doing?
According to statistics, such attempts rarely end in success. But, in rare cases, you can still step into the same river and give the relationship a chance.
- Your husband cheated on you or seriously offended you (without serious insults or assault), but he actively repents and is ready to change.
- You still didn’t measure as well as you thought before cutting and after time, you both realize that you got carried away. It's important that you both understand.
- Many years have passed since the divorce, you have become different people, matured, rethought a lot, lost your youthful impulsiveness, but gained wisdom.
These are, perhaps, the main reasons to return the relationship, which, theoretically, can be crowned with success.
Quote Divorce is an emergency exit in case of fire. When a house is on fire, it doesn't matter who set it on fire. If there is no emergency exit, everything will burn out!
Mehmet Murat Ildan
Causes
Depression is considered a psychological disorder, defined as an affective state characterized by the appearance of negative emotions, a change in the motivational sphere, and passive human behavior. This disease affects many people, significantly impairing their quality of life. According to research, depression is found in 1% of the population of our country. Despite the fact that many people experience symptoms of this disease, it should be distinguished from a prolonged stay in a bad mood. There are different types of depression.
Psychogenic depression occurs under the influence of external factors, such as the loss of loved ones. This implies not only the death of a person, but also a severance of relations with him. This can happen as a result of relocation, incarceration and divorce. It is this type of depression that often develops after divorce in men.
The disease is characterized by:
- the emergence of feelings of self-pity;
- depressed mood;
- change of values;
- a feeling of the meaninglessness of existence.
With psychogenic depression, a man has low self-esteem, inhibited reactions and restless behavior. Since a loved one becomes forever lost to him, the depressed person considers the situation hopeless, and he begins to have suicidal thoughts. Such depression often becomes chronic.
Endogenous (internal) depression develops when there is insufficient production of certain substances in the body, which affects the functioning of the brain. Treatment of this disease is carried out through the use of medications and psychotherapeutic techniques. The occurrence of endogenous depression is associated with the life situation in which a person finds himself. Breakup of relationships, death of a loved one, everyday problems - all this can lead to an acute form of the disease. Divorce is accompanied by strong emotional experiences, so it can give rise to the development of this disorder. When treating, you should pay attention not only to the life situation in which the person finds himself, but also to his general condition. Endogenous depression most often occurs in people with low self-esteem.
Relationship status
Clearly, if you are getting a divorce, your relationship was less than ideal. However, the speed of recovery after divorce is influenced by the actual state of your relationship. That is, if between you and your ex-husband or wife there were not only negative moments, but also prosperous periods, or if you were truly happy in your marriage and do not know what exactly led to the divorce, it will be much more difficult to accept it. However, if your relationship was terrible and your husband or wife treated you badly, such as betraying you, you may find that you can easily get over the divorce and move on with your life.
What not to do after a breakup
In addition to useful actions that help us move on, there are actions that slow us down and prevent us from surviving a breakup:
- Living for the sake of your ex-partner, trying to prove something to him, for example, taking and posting photos on social networks so that “he can see how good I am.” This consumes a lot of resources and leaves you exhausted. Moreover, the ex-partner rarely understands the error of his choice, which only increases the pain.
- Maintain contact, try to be friends in the hope that someday he will notice who he lost and return. As a result, hope will collapse, and the person will be disappointed and worry even more.
- Start new relationships. If you have not closed your history with your previous partner, then a new relationship is unlikely to bring you happiness. Often people in such a situation begin to compare their partners, complain or talk about how good it was. This will hurt both you and your new life partner.
Help from a psychologist after a divorce from her husband
It is very important after a divorce to finally understand what you really want. Often we don’t know the answer to this question and therefore we find people next to us with whom we are not on the same path, and we live with a feeling of dissatisfaction.
Now, left alone with yourself, you should decide once and for all what you want. The answer: “I don’t know” is not accepted. Get rid of the female choir of voices in your head: mothers, friends, teachers and neighbors and listen to yourself. If it doesn’t work out, a psychologist can help.
Almost every person needs psychological help after a breakup, and to understand oneself, decide on desires and goals - this is where advice from a psychologist after a divorce from a husband is irreplaceable.
How to deal with anger and malice
Negative emotions definitely come to the surface. It is wrong to pour them out on your ex-wife, her friends, and relatives. This will lead to new conflicts, aggravate difficult relations, and aggravate the situation. The following will help neutralize the negativity:
- active sport;
- self-occupation;
- new hobby;
- work with a psychologist;
- complete rest;
- keeping a diary.
It’s harder for those men who are going through a difficult divorce. They cannot share feelings, talk about pain and anger. They keep the negativity in themselves until the last moment, and then make a number of irreparable mistakes:
- quickly find new relationships;
- indulge in bad habits;
- write angry posts about their spouse on social networks;
- take it out on the children.
Going through a divorce can be difficult. But it is important to stop living in the past in time and learn to enjoy life again. Support from friends and working with a psychologist will relieve depression and stress. A new job and hobby will help you distance yourself from negative emotions, and rest will refresh your thoughts. A man must pull himself together and start a new life, without fear of experiencing pain again.
A woman's life after the end of a marriage
Psychologists advise not to despair if a breakup does occur. What to do and how to live further after a divorce? It is better to analyze the circumstances and then try to accept everything as a fact that happened. If you think about the past every hour, then who will live here and now? But there is still a bright future ahead!
In no case do you perceive children as a burden in your experiences after a divorce, otherwise you will become depressed and raise your children incorrectly. A child is someone worth waking up for every day. If problems arise, seek support from family, friends or qualified mental health professionals. Don’t avoid communicating with men, because relationships are part of life’s journey.
How to behave with your husband after a divorce?
The first time after you have made a decision: that’s it - we’re getting a divorce, it’s better not to communicate at all, if communication is inevitable - to support it only on business. Over time, the passions will subside and you will be able to talk and communicate without getting personal, without tears and hysterics, forget the grievances, and if everything is done correctly and you have saved face and self-respect, then in the future you can become friends if you want.
Quote If you want to get to know someone really well, divorce them.
Elizabeth Gilbert
Behavior of a woman after divorce if there are no children
Divorce is much easier if the couple has no children. When there are no obligations and additional responsibility, everything can be solved much easier.
- You can give free rein to your feelings. With children, a woman will have to restrain herself and behave calmly; recovery may take longer because of this. Alone, you can cry heartily, cut up photographs and shirts, drown everything in the nearest pond and forget.
- A woman can change everything completely. Throw away all the things that remind you of your loved one, rearrange and repair.
- You can meet new love faster. Yes, you shouldn’t expect that your second husband will appear as soon as the door slams behind the first one, but you can meet and start communicating with a new man much faster if you don’t have small children.
Behavior of a woman after divorce when there are children
Everything becomes more complicated if there are children, especially very small ones, and the woman becomes the main caregiver. What should you do in this case? As much as possible, preferably together with your ex-husband, provide them with peace of mind and minimize the consequences of your divorce. Children whose parents divorced often feel guilty about it. Your task is to convey to them that this is not so, that divorce is the decision of adults, and that you, having become ex-spouses, will forever remain their mom and dad.
Try to change their life, place of residence, school, clubs, and leisure activities as little as possible. If dad took his son to the pool on Sundays, the path remains the same. And joint trips and entertainment, if any, return as soon as possible.
Never, unless your husband is a rapist, speak badly about him to your children or in front of them. A father is part of a child’s personality; by throwing mud at your husband, you lower your child’s self-esteem. “If my father is so bad, then I am his flesh and blood, not a very good person.” Yes, a small child does not formulate it this way, but this is exactly how he feels.
And this is not very good for a woman either. After all, if she chose, lived, loved and gave birth to “such a goat,” then who is she?
Your husband is your choice and a big part of your life, he will forever remain the father of your children, this is what made you a mother. At least for the sake of this, it is worth separating peacefully, maintaining love and respect for each other as parents.
Quote After a breakup, children should live with the parent who respects their ex-partner more in their children.
Bert Hellinger
