The news of the breakup took you by surprise.
You were not ready for this, neither mentally nor physically.
You fought to save the relationship and now you don't want to believe that this is really the end.
You can't believe the reality of what's happening.
Even if the relationship was worse than ever, the idea of living without this woman is unacceptable to you.
But it so happened that you are no longer together.
You finally begin to realize that it's over.
You have moved from the state of “Don’t leave!” to “Okay, I give up,” but you still feel an irresistible attraction to this woman and don’t know how to survive the pain of parting.
The moment you wake up alone in an empty bed, stop talking to your ex on the phone or texting her, move into another apartment or help her pack her things, you experience a terrible detachment and the weight of loss.
It can be a brutal process.
It will take a long time before you learn to enjoy life again and start investing in your own happy future.
Perhaps somewhere deep inside you knew that this breakup was approaching, but this did not save you from an unpleasant surprise.
Regardless of who initiated the breakup, you may feel paralyzed with fear, pain and despair; you don't know how to live without this person.
Below are some of the steps you will have to go through.
They happen in different orders and at different times, but these conditions are inevitable, so it is better to understand what is happening to you during the recovery process.
Thanks to a conscious approach to all transformation processes, you will understand whether it is possible to survive the pain of parting with minimal losses.
Stop asking yourself "Why?"
Why did she leave me?
Why was it only me who tried to save our relationship?
Why was I always the one who initiated sex?
Why didn’t my friends support me and take her side?
Why did I have to endure these trials and how to survive the breakup if it hurts a lot?
What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy?
When something bad happens, when we are offended or disappointed in something, the very first thing that comes to mind is the question “why?”
People need to understand what is happening to us; the instinct of self-preservation is triggered.
This helps automatically adjust our life course in a more positive direction.
But the problem is that along with the question “why?”, an obsessive feeling of self-pity and tedious lamentations appear.
You risk getting stuck searching for answers that you will likely never get.
Striving to understand “why?” becomes quicksand keeping you stuck in the past.
I have worked with many divorced men who, years later, continue to figure out why their wives left them.
They themselves were already sick of their own obsessive thoughts, but they were trapped by the idea “if I understood, I could immediately free myself and move on.
But this moment has not yet arrived, and they stubbornly continue to search for answers.
Forget about "why"!
Try not asking yourself this question and see how your condition improves!
Instead of asking yourself, “Why did she leave me?”, rephrase it into a simple statement: “She left me.”
This will bring you closer to accepting: “I really don’t know why she left me, but it happened. This is an indisputable fact."
Once you can let go of the “why,” you can freely look to the future instead of dwelling on the past.
“She left me. What should I do with my life now?
Let's look at another example: “Why do I always have to fight for our relationship?”
This is where the complaint lies.
Let's rephrase that: "I seem to be the one who's always fighting for relationships" - now that's a statement you can work with.
Once you accept this fact, you will be able to look at the situation differently and understand how to survive a breakup if it is very painful.
You can come to terms with this fact.
And although you want everything to be different, you will understand that not everything in this world can be fixed.
When you remove the “why,” the focus changes.
“Why did she leave me?” becomes “Well, she left me. Now what?".
“Why didn’t my friends support me and take her side?” turns into: “I have few friends left. How can I change this?
"What is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy? turns into “I think there's something wrong with me. What should I do with this to become happy?
You spend too much emotional energy searching for answers, and it prevents you from accepting what is or opening your mind to find solutions that will lead to change.
It takes courage to stop asking pointless questions and move on.
Accept and forgive
How to reduce mental pain?
Many women know how difficult it is to part with their loved ones. There are ways to help ease the experience and put things into perspective.
You don't have to exist in your imaginary world and constantly use the word "if". Such thoughts do not allow us to live in the present, they are a thing of the past and make us worry again and again. There is nothing left to return, the decision has been made. We need to move on. If the depression is very severe and you do not have the strength to cope with it on your own, it is better to consult a psychoanalyst. He will definitely find a way out.
To make it easier to understand how to break up with your loved one, you must forgive him. It is necessary to understand that he also has the right to his opinion and can make any decisions.
What to do after a breakup
After the end of a long-term relationship, you cannot believe that you can be happy regardless of whether there is a woman in your life or not.
But if you want to understand how to get through a breakup less painfully, I advise you to change old habits developed in previous failed relationships.
Remove photos
Delete (yes, permanently) your love messages.
Stop tracking on social networks how your ex lives, who she is dating now, and how happy she is in her new relationship.
Stop the habit of talking about your ex
No mention of her name or talk about the last movie you saw together, no talking about her favorite songs, no need to remember how cleverly she manipulated the bar staff to get a discount on drinks (which you secretly hated).
Give yourself time to grieve
After a breakup, many guys allow themselves emotional incontinence or aggression.
They think they have earned the right to violate or ignore boundaries of normal behavior because they are hurt.
Remember once and for all: under no circumstances should you act like an asshole, get drunk, fight, or skip work.
No self pity
Overcoming a breakup is like healing a broken limb: everyone feels sorry for you for a while, but after a certain point you need to build up your own strength, otherwise you will remain disabled forever.
If you don’t know how to survive a painful breakup, then first of all, leave the house and give yourself the opportunity to distract yourself with something useful: find new hobbies, meet new people.
Forget about the proverb “they knock out fire with fire”, it doesn’t apply to your case
The worst idea when breaking up is to immediately find a new girlfriend.
It's like getting rid of a bruise with a new blow.
You are now overwhelmed with negative emotions, and this is not the best basis for a new relationship.
Give yourself a chance to cool down a bit.
Organize your free time so that you have no time to think about your ex.
Breaking up is not the end
You need to leave with dignity and grace, leaving a pleasant impression of you. A woman should always be sure that she is beautiful, desirable and successful. A break with one man necessarily entails a meeting with another, who may become a dear and beloved person. If the realization has come that the time has come to part with your ex-lover, you need to accept this as a temporary illness that will soon pass. You need to think about the future only in bright colors, then happiness will not keep you waiting.
You should not seek meetings with your former loved one, change your usual routes, or visit the places where he usually vacations. You need to do the opposite: completely avoid communication with him and try to cut him out of your life.
But it's not worth it. It is important to realize that this person has passed the stage, now it is time to move towards a wonderful future. You need to enjoy every day, find new hobbies and discover unknown facets of everyday life. Then the understanding of how to break up with a guy will come naturally.
Effective pain relief: how to heal faster
When it comes to life's most stressful events, divorce or the end of a long-term relationship is the second biggest life stressor, right behind the death of a spouse.
Both can plunge you into severe depression and cause health problems.
The breakup of a serious relationship or divorce causes a panic reaction in the brain, and this, in turn, can lead to a weakened immune system and illness.
If you fall into one of these categories, you need to take care of yourself and follow all the tips I will give below.
Who do you think experiences breakups more – men or women?
Surely you will say that girls are more emotional, so it’s more difficult for them.
But in fact, it is precisely because of their emotionality that women are more resistant to stress than men.
I was contacted by men who could not come to their senses even six months after breaking up.
Their brain activity, motivation and attention decreased.
That is, experiences due to separation led to physical changes in the brain.
That's why it's so difficult for guys to come out of an overextended recovery period.
You don't need to go with the flow, otherwise it will be very difficult for you to return to normal life.
Breaking up a relationship can cause physical heart pain and shortness of breath.
Emotional stress or anger can trigger a heart attack, so in this case you need to undergo a medical examination.
Overcoming grief isn't easy, but there are several clinically proven methods to beat the blues.
I recommend you five recovery methods - support from loved ones, meditation, healthy sleep, exercise and a farewell letter to your ex (write, but don’t send).
Five ways to get over a breakup painlessly:
Recovery method No. 1
A great way to recover is to spend time with close friends, because friendly support and participation causes the brain to release natural opioids, which act as painkillers.
So go to your friends, parents, psychologist, spiritual guide or anyone else you trust.
Recovery method No. 2
Use relaxation techniques, including meditation, breathing exercises, or write down your feelings in a journal.
Meditation reduces cortisol levels and other markers of physiological stress.
Recovery method No. 3
If you have a very painful breakup, how to get over it?
My advice is to go to bed!
Healthy sleep is very important for maintaining immunity, but due to the depressive state that occurs after a breakup, insomnia may occur.
This is another reason to consider starting regular meditation.
Recovery method No. 4
Working out at the gym or walking outside for an hour can help you deal with emotional pain because physical activity releases opioids and increases endorphins.
Unfortunately, the effects of these hormones do not last long, so it is important to combine exercise with other recommended activities.
It's time to get distracted
- It is worth directing your thoughts in a different direction.
- Consoled by your tears in your friend's vest, you need to tune in to a new life without your ex-loved one. It's difficult, but possible. We remove things that resemble completed love. We collect small items given to us by our exes, put them in boxes, seal them, and throw them away. General cleaning will help you take your mind off things and get rid of accumulated clutter. Some psychologists even advise burning the remaining things, although this is not always realistic. Let the chains that bind you burn with them. Throw off the shackles that prevent you from rushing to a new life.
- In the subsequent period, the pain of separation dulls and does not cause acute suffering. In such a depressive state, one’s own situation begins to be perceived as if from a distance. This is a period when the emotions have already passed, and the thoughts in my head are spinning incessantly.
- In order to distract yourself and not bring yourself to a state of acute psychosis, it’s time to look for activities that will not leave time for sad thoughts. That's what friends are for. Attending various events, exhibitions, corporate events, going to the cinema, meeting with colleagues and classmates will help you get rid of sad thoughts. It is advisable not to visit places that will remind you of the past.
- And also take with you the “Book of Happiness”, a small notebook in which, like a diary, there is one page per day. And constantly write down all the joyful moments, starting from a given compliment and ending with a funny dog. After writing a dozen pages, you will feel the seal of separation gradually begin to fade into the background.
- It’s good when parting with a once loved one brings only joy and relief. But often the opposite happens: a break causes pain and suffering. If separation is inevitable and you have no chance of improving your relationship, you should think about how to painlessly break up with your loved one.
I let you go!
These words need to be repeated daily, especially in those moments when sadness and melancholy roll in. You shouldn't try to get your loved one back by calling him every hour. This will not lead to anything good, it will only increase the pain and bitterness of loss. Stuck in this state, people become immersed in their illusions and hopes. Frustration grows with each unsuccessful attempt to return the first, and the chances of creating a new happy life decrease.
