Every fifth woman in Russia suffers from violence - moral and physical. Look around and you will see one of these unfortunates, perhaps even in your surroundings. Slouched shoulders, wary eyes, pursed lips - a typical image of a victim. What is her partner like?
“All adults come from childhood. Therefore, when parents build relationships with children based on manifestations of power, control, discipline, perfectionism, moralization, and not empathy and feelings, then this becomes the norm in a person’s life in relation to their partner. For a child who was belittled in the family, given slaps, whose opinion was not listened to, compared with other children, not praised or pitied, rudeness and pressure will become part of adult life. In most cases this is what happens. Therefore, learning to notice warning signs in a man’s behavior is important not only for your peace of mind, but also for the sake of future children. There are many signs of a personality prone to tyranny. I’ll focus on the main ones.”
Controls every step
Over time, he will begin to decide everything for you, and you will not notice how your desires gradually fade into the background, and then completely dissolve in time and space.
A tyrant man has very clear ideas about what a woman should be like next to him. He will describe your behavior almost down to the instructions. “I won't like your dress. Change your clothes!”, “Stop saying hello to the concierge, I don’t like it,” etc. A strong, energetic woman is unlikely to be subdued. But if you start playing giveaway, you will have to live by the will of such a man, and it is unlikely that you will be able to extricate yourself from this story without losses. “Any coercion or disrespect of a partner is a serious problem.
Controlling men use a range of behaviors and display a wide range of attitudes in life. One of the best ways to tell how deep a male control problem runs is to look at his reaction when you start demanding better treatment.” LUNDY BANCROFT, clinical psychologist, author of the books Tyrant Husbands. How to stop male cruelty" and "Why is he doing this? Who is an abuser and how to resist him"
Tyrant in the family. Truth and fiction
“Tyranny is a habit that turns into a need,” F.M. Dostoevsky.
A lot has been said and written about tyranny in the family. Which of this is true and which is mere fiction? Who is a family tyrant really? It is these questions that I will try to answer in my article.
We need to start with the fact that currently only men are called family tyrants. How true is this statement? It’s no secret that representatives of the fair half successfully terrorize their life partners, justifying this with words as ancient as the world: “Everything is for his good. He is absolutely helpless." Is this a familiar picture? But in this case, those around him habitually blame the man for everything: “He’s henpecked, that’s how his parents raised him, she’s smarter, so let her be happy”... And not a word about the fact that this is a direct sign of family tyranny. After all, a woman is a priori a victim, she got this kind of weak-willed “type” and she is forced to suffer with him.
No, no and NO! Family tyrants are both female and male. And in approximately equal proportions. It’s just that men rarely bring up such a problem for discussion. The reason is simple. I would rather suffer in silence than lose my manhood. But women, without hesitation, fit into the now fashionable definition of “a husband is a tyrant” any remark that causes them displeasure. Therefore, having determined that family tyrants come in both sexes, let’s look at the boundaries that separate justified criticism or coercion of a partner to certain actions from real family tyranny.
If, after starting your life together, you hear hints or direct indications from your partner that you spend a lot of time communicating with girlfriends or meeting with friends. If you are required to devote more time to your partner, family, and household chores, rather than the usual activities for single people, this is not a reason to accuse your husband or wife of tyranny and domestic violence. This is a reason to think, first of all, about your own role in the family. About your own compliance with the position of a family man, which you voluntarily accepted. Family life inevitably entails a change in the habitual style of behavior and lifestyle of single people. If a partner begins, as a result of his inability to “communicate,” to make claims about the need to reduce spending on his favorite hobby, meaningless purchases “according to his mood,” or the constant support of relatives - this is not tyranny, this is a signal that it is time for the husband and wife to agree on family matters. budget and how to use it.
But often these manifestations are considered among the most striking manifestations of family tyranny. “Does he/she limit me? ". The verdict is clear - this is a tyrant husband or a tyrant wife and “vixen”. In these cases, we are talking only about the fact that the partners were unable to hear each other and were unable to agree on the rules of family life. And you should just try to come to an agreement on your own, or seek the help of a family psychologist. We need to learn to adapt to each other and save the family, and not throw clichéd accusations of tyranny.
Now let's move on directly to the signs of a family tyrant.
As a rule, a family tyrant carefully monitors his appearance. He/she is sincerely convinced that they have absolutely justified high self-esteem, which in fact is as low as possible. The tyrant always considers himself right in everything, absolutely does not tolerate objections, believes that he understands all life’s conflicts better than anyone else: what to wear, what to listen to, what to buy, with whom to communicate, how to behave, etc. And in this conviction of his own superiority, the tyrant under no circumstances listens to his partner’s arguments. Other people's logical arguments are always absurd for him. There is only one correct opinion - his own. And it will be ideal if his worldview is accepted not only by his loved ones, but by the whole world. Otherwise, there are a lot of “morons” who don’t want to listen to the opinion of such an exceptional intellectual and esthete.
As a rule, such behavior is based on an inferiority complex that has consumed the tyrant since his youth, or even childhood, and a feeling of constant “undervaluation.” In this case, it does not matter at all that such a person makes absolutely no effort to prove his claims to such an exceptional position in society. According to the sincere conviction of the tyrant, he proved the indisputability of his own significance and the correctness of his opinion on any issue by the mere fact of his own existence.
Another reason for the formation of a family tyrant often lies in the feeling of superiority over others instilled in the child from childhood, combined with the lack of requirements for the child’s self-realization. He is simply the best. And those who disagree with this are stupid people, as they will certainly be convinced of in the future. However, later life easily refutes such an attitude towards one’s loved one. Dissatisfaction and resentment grow and multiply. It is precisely such a creature that instantly degenerates into a tyrant in family life.
But it should be noted that with feigned superiority, this is a weak person. The tyrant is afraid to show the slightest weakness in relations with others and covers it up with aggression towards others. But if he receives a harsh response, he instantly gives up his position and looks for a more flexible victim. That is, tyranny is a subconscious compensation for one’s own weakness through aggression and pressure. As mentioned above, this is a psychological complex that arose as a result of a traumatic past and has a negative continuation in the present.
The following undeniable signs of a family tyrant are rare rewards to the partner against the backdrop of constant nagging and complaints. This is a generous acknowledgment of a partner’s minor success, usually greatly diminished in comparison with the actual result. Demonstrative gifts “for doing what was recommended”, an extraordinary night of love, etc...
It is also worth noting the constant unfounded criticism of people close to you. At the beginning, friends and girlfriends who are accused of stupidity, vulgarity, bad taste, envy, alcoholism and other sins. The tyrant’s conclusion: “They are not worthy to be near you, much less near me.” The result is that you will lose friends.
Then similar attacks on your relatives begin: “Your parents hate me, your brother and sister want to divorce us, they want to destroy our happiness, any contact with them is evil.” The result is a cooling or complete cessation of relations with the closest people.
In such manipulations, family tyrants are real masters. And if you constantly feel like you are being manipulated, this is a reason to be wary.
Unnoticed, the tyrant’s victim is left alone with him, without anyone’s support. And then the tyrant begins to destroy the victim’s psyche, constantly instilling in the partner thoughts about his inferiority, inability to live without the tyrant’s care, about the uselessness of the victim to anyone but him.
Physical violence is often added to such manifestations of domestic tyranny. This allows the tyrant to maximally compensate for his own complexes and completely suppress the victim’s resistance. Yes, when it comes to physical violence, male tyrants come first, but in my practice there have also been cases of regular violence from women.
The finale is the transformation of the tyrant's victim into a downtrodden, unhappy person, meekly enduring all accusations, insults, beatings and at the same time sincerely considering himself guilty of the current family structure.
I want to say right away that it is impossible to change a tyrant! He will always search and find the next victim. For a tyrant, humiliation of others is a vital necessity.
The only way out of this situation is divorce. And the sooner the better.
But, before making such a drastic decision, I still advise you to think a little and analyze your relationship. To understand whether your partner is really a domestic tyrant, or whether this label was hastily applied and there is an opportunity to fix everything? It is extremely difficult to correctly assess such a situation on your own, so do not hesitate to consult with a family psychologist. Just not “home-grown”, like a girlfriend in the kitchen or a neighbor in the garage. It is very easy to destroy a family, but trying to save it, revive old feelings and make each other happy is a difficult but necessary step!
Requires report
A tyrant easily violates a woman’s mental and physical boundaries. For example, he can check her phone and correspondence, ask her to report where she spent time and with whom. He does not recognize personal freedom, so you can forget about personal interests - dance school, fitness, theater studio. The tyrant will deprive you of friends, relatives, hobbies, leisure, work in order to make you dependent on him. By the way, hoping that you will be able to change such a man is a waste of time. Not only does he not feel guilty for such an “intrusion,” but he also, in principle, does not understand that he is behaving rudely. At the mental level, he is not allowed to realize this.
Classic types of domestic tyrants
Open aggressor . Such a person aims to suppress the will of his loved ones through scandals, shouting, physical and emotional violence. An aggressor husband can use all means, alternate them or combine them.
Respectable aggressor. Outwardly, such husbands look caring and exemplary. There are no noisy quarrels or assaults in their families. They use an arsenal of caustic jokes, sarcastic ridicule, and make casual critical remarks. A respectable tyrant expresses his constant dissatisfaction and hidden hostility with dismissive gestures, intonation, and gaze. Suppression in such a family is based on emotional abuse.
Both classic and respectable aggressors use fear and guilt as their main instruments of influence on their loved ones.
Stingy with emotions
The tyrant is an emotional greedy person. He does not want to invest in a relationship or does it at a minimum; it is more important for him to receive more than to give. He is more likely to devastate a woman, feed on her energy, rather than give love and share joy. Basically, all his worries revolve around himself and his feelings in his relationship with you. For such a man, kind words, attention, and compliments are always not enough, although he himself is incapable of love. Surprisingly, you will have to make excuses for insufficient depth of feelings.
A man decides when, with whom and how much you communicate
The desire for total control is one of the signs of a personality prone to violence. Does your husband speak poorly of your family and friends? Does he not like it when you meet them and spend time together? This is a bad sign. Your spouse may begin to manipulate you by telling you how much he misses you when you are not around. But you are not Siamese twins, you cannot and should not spend all your time together. Each spouse has their own personal space. This is the thought that is painful for a tyrant. He will gradually reduce your contacts with the outside world to zero and will calm down only when the only person you communicate with is himself.
Focused only on myself
He wants to deal not with your entire personality, but exclusively with that part of it that he likes. The partner thus becomes something functional for him. The tyrant will make up for his internal deficit at her expense - intelligence, emotional warmth. He is a priori an exploiter: he cannot give himself something here and now - he will definitely demand it from you. The tyrant was unfairly, in his opinion, demoted. You can be sure that this topic will be the main one for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And you must listen, reassure and admire his invaluable merits. And this can last for months, while he may not be interested in the woman’s affairs and concerns.
How to live with a tyrant husband: advice from psychologists
Having noticed signs that a despot and tyrant husband rules the roost in the family, you should listen to the main advice of psychologists and think about whether there is any point in saving this marriage? Only a woman who is subjected to domestic tyranny can answer this question.
Many women live for decades under the yoke of a domestic tyrant. And there are reasons for this. But which ones exactly?
The psychology of the tyrant and the victim are two intersecting threads. In most cases, the victim simply cannot imagine his life without an oppressive spouse. But this also happens for a reason. The thing is that such men often choose women with very low self-esteem and create for them the illusion that they are no longer needed anywhere except in these relationships. Often the victim remains in such a relationship because of complete financial dependence on the man.
Some women stay with oppressive men because of psychological aspects. It could be fond memories of how well their relationship started, or even the fear of being completely alone for the rest of their lives. However, there are also those women who are quite satisfied with the psychology of the “tyrant and victim” relationship. They feel absolutely comfortable and are ready to live with such a man all their lives.
When the question of preserving such a marriage arises, the reasons for making this decision fade into the background. The main problem for the wife is the lack of understanding of how to behave with her tyrant husband. Psychologists advise following some rules:
- Don't try to change such a man. This idea is pointless, since despotism is an integral part of it.
- Don't allow violence to happen to you. A woman who lives with an oppressive man will have to learn to fight back and defend her point of view.
- Don't follow your husband's lead. Such a man will try to limit the woman’s contacts with her close relatives. It is unacceptable! Relatives should be in every person's life.
- A woman who lives with a domestic tyrant should know the numbers of social services and centers to help women suffering from domestic violence. In particularly difficult situations, this will help save her life.
Of course, you can save any relationship, but how advisable is this? Living with a despot can become an unbearable test, and negative emotions, without which not a single day goes by, can become a serious problem and turn into serious illnesses.
The way he talks
- aggressive, predatory, “vampire”, “cannibalistic”, “hunting” vocabulary slips into his speech. (“Consider this my selfish desire to become smarter, powered by your battery”, “Good luck hunting NN”, “I would have eaten you”, “my boss sucked all the blood out of me”, “Men are predators, hunters, everyone needs one thing and also".),
- often uses the words “admire”, “respect”, “envy with white envy”,
- likes to use words in superlatives (“absolutely”, “wonderful”, “wonderful”),
- uses “technical” vocabulary (this observation from Sam Vaknin: “likes to talk about himself in mechanical terms - “machine”, “efficient”, “punctual”, “result”, “computer”, “optimal”).
- can be very talkative, trying to attract everyone's attention. Or, conversely, remain “mysteriously” silent.
- Tanya Tank, author of the trilogy “Fear, I’m with you. A terrible book about the fatal and irresistible"
conclusions
Once again I want to repeat the idea that the victim has his own tyrant, and the tyrant has his own victim. It's a symbiosis. They get from each other what they lack. Some people are dominated and humiliated, while others have a feeling of guilt and suffering. This is how the human psyche sometimes works strangely. If you feel one of the behavior patterns in yourself, then let’s work through this matter and neutralize the negative behavior. Links to register below.
This article, signs of a tyrant in a relationship, is my opinion and it was formed over 5 years of observing such behavior on the part of my friend. What to do in such a situation, if you find yourself in it, immediately recognize the problem and solve it, do not expect the person to change, this will not happen.
In order to recognize a tyrant in time, you need to:
- Have inner core and self-respect. This will help you get out of a toxic and draining relationship without losing yourself.
- Be able to see reality, and not justify your partner’s actions, plunging yourself into even greater illusions.
- Don’t be afraid to go to a psychologist and get competent advice. The first step to freedom can be the support of friends.
- Remember that serious relationships involve two people. And if you don't feel comfortable wearing them, look for another man.
Published on the portal parents.ru
Psychology of a tyrant: what turns a man into a tyrant?
Men are generally considered strong, but can a man really be called strong whose goal is to assert himself at the expense of someone who is weaker than him? Based on this, we can safely say that the main reason for the manifestation of a man’s despotic behavior is weakness. A tyrant man seeks to assert himself through the oppression, suppression and humiliation of a woman.
The desire to suppress a woman and gain complete power over her indicates that the man is fundamentally dissatisfied with his life, he is not satisfied with the position he occupies in society. The inability to prove oneself and express oneself in other areas leads to the desire to gain complete power within the family. This is what causes a man to turn into a domestic tyrant. At the same time, such a man can have a high level of income, hold a good position and be a successful businessman, but this will not be enough for him. Dissatisfaction with oneself leads to an accumulation of aggression and sooner or later develops into despotic behavior.
According to psychologists, the reason for a man’s aggressive behavior must be sought in the distant past - in his childhood. A man often carries into adulthood the behavior that he saw in his parents’ relationships. However, in some cases, psychological tyrants grow up in those families where such behavior is not considered the norm. A despot can be raised by a family that creates frankly hothouse conditions for the child, allows him to do whatever he wants and protects the boy from all possible problems. Growing up, such a man is not able to admit his mistakes, since before that he was always right, his mistakes went unnoticed by his parents.
However, these are not all the reasons for a man turning into a domestic tyrant. Psychologists say that the cause of male tyranny can be serious psychological trauma, which has led to the development of a number of complexes. For example, bullying at school, lack of socialization skills, or an unsuccessful first love may well result in the despotic behavior of a man in a future family.
