What is perfectionism and why is it dangerous: a psychologist spoke about the paradox of the desire for perfection

Always achieve better results, strive to do more and more perfectly, demand the impossible from yourself - this is how perfectionism manifests itself in human behavior. On the one hand, this seems like a positive feature. After all, if a person strives for the best, he can achieve serious heights in his career, business, and social life. But most often, too high demands on oneself lead to completely different results: dissatisfaction, disappointment in life, depression.

Why is this happening? Why is perfectionism dangerous? How to identify it in yourself or a loved one and how to get rid of it? Victoria Witte answered these questions to a FAN

Photo from the archive of Victoria Witte /

Perfectionist - who is it?

In simple words, this is a person who strives to achieve the ideal result in everything. The meaning of the word perfectionism is based on the Latin term perfectum, which translates as “perfect.” Such a person has an excessively high level of motivation, which most often manifests itself from early childhood.

Study with straight A's and get a red diploma or maximum scores on the Unified State Exam at all costs. Go above and beyond to achieve the coveted position. Step on your own moral values, for the sake of a higher goal. Put on a mask every day and be a chameleon so that others will definitely approve, understand and appreciate the efforts made.

Such people who, from school, strive to obtain the external attributes of success, are endowed with the “excellent student syndrome.” However, studying with straight A's and graduating from school with honors at any cost does not mean gaining a strong knowledge base. But achieving a good position and devoting yourself entirely to work does not at all mean becoming happy. The very word “syndrome” hints at ill health, since the motivation that guides the person is in this case excessive.

“Everything needs moderation,” comments psychologist Victoria Witte. — There is a healthy level of motivation when we develop and move up the career ladder with pleasure and without violence. And there is an unhealthy one - when our internal light bulb heats up to such an extent that it almost bursts from overvoltage.”

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Vivid examples of destructive perfectionism from everyday life

Example No. 1. Alice and her constant dissatisfaction with the results obtained

Alisa works as a web designer in a small but very promising company. The girl comes to work before everyone else, and goes home only when the security guard begins to subtly hint to her that it’s time to be honored.

Alice, when performing the work tasks assigned to her, makes a lot of effort and bends over backwards so that not a single smallest and most insignificant detail is left without her attention. Colleagues are surprised at how much time the girl spends on completing the work, because in seven out of ten cases the client will still ask to change something or make some specific adjustments.

Alice constantly experiences an unpleasant feeling that “tells” her that the work could be done even better. An inner voice tells the girl that she is a bad and unskilled worker (with honors!), otherwise she would not have to work so hard and spend so much time on what qualified and truly ideal specialists take a matter of minutes.

Destructive perfectionism negatively affects Alice's daily life, as it makes her feel guilty and dissatisfied with her own actions.

Example No. 2. Kirill and his dependence on other people's opinions

There are people in our world with normal and adequate self-esteem who know how to not pay any attention to the opinions and expectations of other people. Kirill is not one of these people, because his neurotic perfectionism makes the guy believe that the opinions of other people are of greater value than his own thoughts and principles.

Kirill agreed to meet a girl he liked at a restaurant on Friday evening. But on Friday afternoon, a colleague not only asked the guy to work overtime, but also subtly hinted to him that his bosses would be delighted with such dedication. The young man canceled the meeting with the girl and agreed to spend Friday evening at work. While Kirill was busy resolving work issues, a colleague who asked him for a favor was having a great time in the sauna with friends.

Very often, due to destructive perfectionism, a person changes his plans in the most radical way, lets other people down, sacrifices his comfort and ceases to understand whether he makes decisions on his own or simply carries out the will of other people imposed from outside, because he is afraid that they will be bad about him. not to think.

Example No. 3. Alexandra and compliments

Sashenka is a beautiful, kind, hardworking, responsible, pretty and attractive young girl. But every time classmates, teachers, parents, friends or a cute stranger on the street compliment her, the girl sincerely believes that they are cruelly mistaken about her.

Alexandra doesn’t understand why people address her with nice words, because she knows for sure that she doesn’t deserve it now. When she graduates from university with honors, becomes a successful person, gets married successfully and gives birth to a child, then she can accept compliments with peace of mind.

Alice's destructive perfectionism, provoked by low self-esteem, does not allow her to objectively look at herself from the outside and evaluate her strengths and weaknesses. If a girl were a healthy perfectionist, she would easily and with self-esteem accept compliments from people around her, and would not think that the praise coming from other people’s mouths would somehow discredit and humiliate her.

What does perfectionism mean for a person?

A perfectionist is characterized by excessive demands on himself and others. In his understanding, there is no good work result. The result should only be excellent, and if it is not, then it is terrible. And most often in such black-and-white thinking, it is the black color that predominates.

A perfectionist sees only his own failures and pays utmost attention to them. Compares himself with others, focuses on the most successful, the most worthy, the very best. He is often gnawed by envy when he sees more successful people, or considers their achievements more significant than his own. In order not to experience this painful envy, he seriously limits his circle of contacts. And he perceives colleagues, friends and even close people as competitors.

The pursuit of excellence can allow you to achieve success in your professional field or business. But even this success does not bring moral satisfaction to the perfectionist. Due to his personality characteristics, he is inclined to devalue his own achievements, consider them an accident or a temporary “clarification” that will soon end. And if he realizes that he has achieved success, he believes that he is now obliged to confirm it all the time. Otherwise, he will disappoint the people around him.

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The benefits of perfectionism

As we have already found out above, in psychology, perfectionism is considered as an undesirable feature of the psyche that negatively affects a person’s quality of life. But it also has certain advantages. Let's highlight the most significant:

1. Fanatical attitude to the quality of work
   .
   In almost any type of activity, a perfectionist achieves the best results. This makes perfectionists successful in creative professions that require long and painstaking work.
2. Minimum errors
   .
   A perfectionist checks every detail, trying not to make a single mistake. Thanks to this, he is able to become the best specialist in a field where quality is valued above deadlines. As noted above, the best surgeons are always perfectionists.
3. Professionalism
   .
   Fear of failure forces a perfectionist to devote maximum time to preparation. They read textbooks and professional literature methodically and sequentially, afraid to miss important information, so they can always boast of the completeness of their knowledge.
4. Harmony in relationships
   .
   Perfectionists pay great attention to detail and always focus on improving personal relationships.

Examples of perfectionism

“Perfectionists are often characterized by rigidity of thinking,” says psychologist Victoria Witte. “Such people are not capable of creativity or searching for alternative solutions. They often get “stuck in the past” and live in their own world, while the world around them has already changed significantly.”

A 70-year-old owner of a small store can be considered a perfectionist, who does not allow his subordinates to ask for a salary increase, does not change anything in his own business for years, and works the old fashioned way. But he considers himself “head and shoulders above” those around him, since back in Soviet times he received a “good education” or worked in a “serious position.” At the same time, there is a constant turnover of staff in his store, the team is a mess, and customers and subordinates laugh at him behind his back.

Fact. Perfectionism is often associated with workaholism. Such people completely devote themselves to work, forgetting about the other side of life: family, friends, relaxation and even their own health. Perfectionist careerists were Leo Tolstoy, Friedrich Nietzsche , and in recent history , Steve Jobs .

Define priorities

Perfectionism is when the secondary becomes primary and the background comes to the fore.
Solution: The goal needs to shift from prevention to promotion. Examples of promotion and prevention:

The Perfectionist Paradox

“According to Tal Ben-Shahar , psychologist and author of the book The Perfectinist Paradox, the paradox is that such a person can be both successful and unhappy,” notes Victoria Witte. “We are all constantly under invisible pressure from society. We believe that we should look younger, earn more, and smile constantly. But what happens if you get rid of these attempts to always do everything right? Is success really that important if you don’t get satisfaction from your work?”

In an effort to always be the best and avoid mistakes, the seeds of procrastination can develop. This is what psychology calls attempts to constantly put off important things “for later” because there is a fear of doing them not in the best way. Or avoid situations in which the perfectionist sees the threat of his own shame, believes that if he does something wrong, he will definitely be judged and decided that he is not perfect.

Perfectionism and procrastination go hand in hand. And the more a person worries about his failures, the more often he tries to avoid important projects, public speaking and other “dangerous moments”. Ultimately, this negatively affects his career and increases self-doubt.

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Selfish desire of a perfectionist

Perfectionists are usually blind to their nature and obsessive. They want everything to look their way and expect perfection. This behavior creates a bubble around them that makes them inflexible and rigid in the way they see things. They adhere to the “all or nothing” principle.

Because they have such high standards and adhere to them so obsessively, their work and relationships often suffer.

The most common mistake perfectionists make is having unrealistic expectations of themselves, others, and the world. This creates a gap in how they see the world, the people around them, and what reality actually looks like.

Pedantry and perfectionism - what is the difference?

“A perfectionist and a pedant are similar in their rigid thinking, anxiety and low self-esteem,” the expert comments. “But little things and details are important to a pedant, and besides, he evaluates himself. For a perfectionist, the assessment of other people is much more important. His way of thinking is dominated by the need to avoid judgment from others, and the result turns out to be more important to him than the details.”

In ordinary life, a pedant demands perfect order in everything. It is important for him that the documents are filled out accurately and without corrections. At work, his desk is a model of cleanliness, with every item in its place. At home, his toothbrush stands at the right angle in a clean glass, and his spoon lies strictly parallel to his fork.

A perfectionist will not pay attention to such trifles. It is important for him that the book he is working on is written perfectly, and that the renovation he has started in his own home is perfect.

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Perfectionism - pros and cons: advantages and disadvantages

Before understanding the question of whether perfectionism needs to be treated, it is important to understand what its advantages and disadvantages are.

The positive aspects of this phenomenon are expressed in the following qualities:

• Hard work
• Self-criticism
• Demands on yourself
• Constantly learning something new and developing
• Striving for personal growth
• Improving skills at work. They try to make them perfect
• Trying to achieve recognition, respect and fame
• Achieving significant heights in life

Despite the fact that the advantages are quite significant, perfectionism also has its disadvantages:

• Such a person is too demanding of himself
• Self-criticism may not always be justified
• Often, when it is impossible to achieve the ideal, self-esteem decreases
• Perfectionists don't like to be criticized. They are too sensitive to it
• He is often irritable, nervous, or develops obsessive states
• May be too smart or boring
• Unable to enjoy the results obtained if they are not perfect
• Inability to set achievable goals; as a rule, those that are impossible to achieve are set

Can perfectionism be considered a personality disorder?

“In psychiatry and clinical psychology, perfectionism is considered a manifestation of ambition, one of the ways of overcompensating for an inferiority complex,” says psychologist Victoria Witte. “But I’m not inclined to label people.” Today a person shows signs of perfectionism, and tomorrow he becomes a happy businessman who has worked through his problem, achieved success and feels satisfaction from it.”

It is much more important to understand why people develop an excessive desire for perfection. According to the expert, its foundations are laid in childhood. If a child is often criticized, tightly controlled, his freedom and self-expression are suppressed, his work is devalued and he is scolded for mistakes, there is a high probability that he will grow up to be a perfectionist. And throughout his life, until he realizes his problem and decides to fight it, he will experience difficulties in communicating and perceiving himself.

At the same time, it is a mistake to consider perfectionism only an “individual characteristic” or a simple shortcoming. The emotional stress that a person experiences for years seriously affects his health, lifestyle and can cause quite tangible negative consequences:

• development of psychosomatic diseases . This risk is due to the constant tension of the body and psyche with which a person lives. He is forced to be active all the time, spending much more energy than he replenishes. But this cannot go on for long. At some point the body malfunctions and the person ends up in a hospital bed;
• loneliness and suffering . Constantly tormenting thoughts about one’s own imperfection, dissatisfaction with oneself, and low self-esteem do not allow one to build normal relationships with other people. A perfectionist may be lonely simply because he experiences discomfort when communicating with others, as he considers them better than himself. Or it doesn’t allow people to go through a tough casting process to become friends. Finally, he simply does not allow himself to rest and have fun, and therefore often finds himself alone;
• loss of interest in life and activities.

“What happens to a computer when it overheats? - Victoria Witte comments. — It turns off, cools down and reboots, and sometimes it may not turn on at all. So it is with a person: sooner or later he loses his activity and energy.”

Against the background of perfectionism, anxiety and depression often develop, which lead to even greater threats to health and life: constant fatigue, insomnia, anhedonia - a condition in which everything that made you happy before does not bring pleasure. One of the most dangerous consequences of psychological problems is an existential crisis - loss of meaning in life and the associated likelihood of suicide.

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Disadvantages of Perfectionism

Psychology views perfectionism as a special mental state that distorts a person’s perception and can potentially reduce the quality of his life. The main disadvantages of this feature include the following:

1. Wasting energy on trifles
   .
   A perfectionist puts a lot of effort into bringing the result to perfection. A lot of emotional energy is spent on this, and as a result the work tires him out much more. Read about how to become energetic in a separate article.
2. Excessive optimization at the cost of your own resources
   .
   It takes 2-3 times longer to improve the quality of work by 10-20%.
3. Missing deadlines
   .
   For a perfectionist, quality is more important than deadlines. He cannot afford to submit an imperfect result, and he gradually gets used to missing deadlines.

The listed problems prevent a perfectionist from working effectively, and the quality of the result cannot compensate for lost time and missed deadlines.

How to identify a perfectionist and help him

According to Victoria Witte, there is a multidimensional perfectionism scale created to diagnose this condition and determine its level. However, this test was created a long time ago - even during the formation of psychology as a science. Therefore, it is incorrect to consider it the main diagnostic method.

“For me, it serves as an additional diagnostic tool,” the expert notes. “And it cannot replace a personal conversation, a biographical method and anamnesis.”

And in order to get rid of perfectionism and fill your life with positive emotions, the specialist advises following a few simple rules:

• set priorities . Try not to put everything on yourself, cut off or delegate less important tasks to other people, and do the important ones yourself. Distribute energy wisely;
• learn to relax . Alternate work and rest. Choose the relaxation method that you like. Try breathing practices, auto-training for muscle relaxation;
• don't compare yourself to others . Appreciate your uniqueness and the uniqueness of others. Rejoice in your successes, and perceive mistakes and mistakes as experience;
• praise yourself . This is also important. Keep a “thought diary” and write down in it what emotions negative situations caused you, and what result this led to;
• please your “inner child” . Learn to enjoy life. Find a hobby, something for the soul, which you will do only for pleasure, and not for the sake of results;
• Spend time with pleasant people , like-minded people. Try to be in nature more often.

And don't take life too seriously. Many problems will go away on their own, and everyday life will sparkle with new colors if you perceive life not as a race for perfection, but as an interesting game or an exciting adventure.

How to get rid of perfectionism

We found out above that perfectionism has both pros and cons. Therefore, ideally, you need to take control of it and use it for your benefit. We bring to your attention 8 effective ways to do this. We recommend writing down these tips and re-reading the list regularly to effectively combat perfectionism in the future.

1. Remind yourself that the world is not perfect
   .
   There is no point in striving for absolute perfection, since all the things around us are far from ideal. Just accept it.
2. Realize that the price of perfection is too high
   .
   Estimate how much more time and effort will have to be spent on a slight improvement in the result. Look for the optimal balance to achieve maximum efficiency.
3. Set your priorities
   .
   Perfectionism makes us pay a lot of attention to unimportant things. It is important to learn to prioritize and not perfect every little thing.
4. Break the task into subtasks . This approach makes it easy to overcome the “perfectionist’s stupor” that arises when working on large complex projects.
5. Record your achievements
   .
   Perfectionists tend to underestimate their own capabilities, so difficult tasks often make them depressed. If you regularly encounter such situations, keep a special notebook to record all completed projects and achieved goals. These notes will remind you that any problem can be solved.

Perfectionism in neurosis: features

Neurotic perfectionism
There is such a term as neurotic perfectionism. When it occurs, people focus on mistakes and failures, they become anxious and ashamed. They are always afraid of being a failure, and even if everything works out, they do not feel pleasure from it. Moreover, they are overly self-critical. At the same time, with this form many disorders appear. It is clear that perfectionism should be treated in this case.

And it's not just for these reasons. The fact is that this condition affects different aspects of a person’s life. He has an unstable emotional state, it is difficult for him to build relationships, and his productivity is somewhat different. Increased anxiety can cause depression, suicidal tendencies, neurosis, and shame. Such people are too afraid that they will seem bad to others, that they will fail or be disgraced.

By the way, this behavior can contribute to the development of cardiovascular diseases at a young age. A person does not give himself any right to make a mistake, relying on the fact that he can be condemned. This fear is so strong that it leads to the abandonment of the goal or makes it impossible to achieve it. Psychologists also call this condition “paralysis of activity.” A person simply avoids situations where the bar is high.

If you find yourself exhibiting neurotic perfectionism, try to set achievable goals. For example, do not immediately strive to become a boss, but start as a simple worker.

Types of perfectionism

Perfectionism can manifest itself in several different ways.

:

• Self-directed perfectionism
  . In this case, a person strives to achieve a certain ideal and is as demanding of himself as possible.
• Perfectionism directed at other people
  . In this case, the “patient” makes clearly excessive demands on the people around him, sometimes demanding the impossible from them.
• Perfectionism addressed to the world at large
  . At the same time, the person is convinced that everything in the world should be “correct.”
• Socially prescribed perfectionism
  . In this case, a person blindly and thoroughly follows any standards imposed from the outside, tries to correspond to what others expect from him.
• The so-called “forest perfectionism”
  . It manifests itself in a strong love for nature, a desire to visit forests and other natural sites, virgin and sparsely populated places.

Perfectionism can be characterized in another way. It makes sense to highlight “creative”

and
“consumer”
perfectionism. In the first case, a person strives to create something at an exceptionally high level, to do his job “perfectly,” and constantly finds fault with himself and redoes what happened. He is mainly interested in self-improvement; he makes no special demands on others, sometimes he doesn’t even notice what’s happening around him.

“Consumer” perfectionism is the desire to get the best from life in a ready-made form, applying a minimum of independent effort to it. It is this form of perfectionism that is more common in the modern world, although there are also perfectionist “creators”.

“Consumer” perfectionism, in particular, is widespread among representatives of the social “elite”, “golden youth”, among children of rich and influential parents. If such people find themselves in a simpler and more democratic environment (for example, a hotel room of not the best quality), then they experience depression. But such perfectionism also occurs among ordinary people, even among those who call themselves “creative.” They present work and the creative process as a set of simple, template actions, which, when performed, can automatically produce an “ideal” result. If the result does not meet expectations, such people become severely depressed and become disillusioned with their abilities.

The meaning of the word “perfectionism”

Perfectionism in simple words is a pathological desire for an ideal result in everything. This is exactly the definition that the science of psychology offers us. The term is derived from the English word perfection, which means “perfection”.

A person prone to perfectionism tries to do every job flawlessly. If he fails, he experiences negativity and frustration.

A perfectionist is a person who strives for perfection. He monitors the quality of work very carefully and does not allow even the slightest shortcomings. He would rather not complete the task at all than complete it with errors. He constantly criticizes even the finished work and looks for something to redo. A perfectionist does not cut himself any slack, even if he sees that other people have done a much worse job.

Such scrupulousness leads to the fact that a perfectionist spends much more time and effort on any task than it requires. He uses his resources wastefully and does not receive adequate returns for it. Therefore, perfectionists often burn out and experience disappointment in life and in themselves.

What is manic perfectionism - how does it manifest itself?

Manic perfectionism
There is, in principle, no point in treating perfectionism when it manifests itself only slightly. However, there is such a thing as manic perfectionism. It develops against the background of a mental disorder. The signs, in principle, are no different, but they intensify many times. When performing any task, a person feels a threat to himself and a challenge to his self-esteem. When the condition is too developed, it makes the person too vulnerable and depressed. As a result, he holds himself to too high standards.

A manic perfectionist constantly double-checks all his actions, seeks people's approval and can think for a very long time before making any decision. If a perfectionist is not confident that he can achieve a high standard, then he may refuse to complete tasks. He often uses this method to solve complex problems.

How to communicate with a man and a woman who is a perfectionist

When meeting a woman or man who is a perfectionist, it is necessary to take into account that such people tend to invent “ideals”. The person she or he likes immediately becomes an “ideal” for a perfectionist. The perfectionist extends all his ideas about the ideal husband, partner, friend to him. And when it turns out that the partner does not correspond to all these invented “signs of the ideal,” disappointment sets in, turning into scandal and discord.

Therefore, in order to maintain a normal relationship with a perfectionist, you should immediately explain that you are not an “ideal”; you, like any other person, have a lot of weaknesses and shortcomings that must be taken into account. If your perfectionist partner likes this “alignment,” you can count on a long and positive relationship. If not, it is better to immediately stop close communication.

Distinctive traits of a perfectionist

Recognizing a perfectionist is not that difficult. You just need to pay attention to his manner of doing business. Let's highlight the main features:

1. Long thoughts before making a decision. The situation of choice and decision-making is always painful for a perfectionist. He can weigh the pros and cons for a very long time, trying to predict the consequences of each option. All this thinking is very exhausting and demotivating.
2. Problems with deadlines. Perfectionists often fail to meet agreed deadlines. And all because at first they spend a long time preparing for work, then they pore over every little detail, and in the end they simply do not have time to finish on time.
3. The habit of starting over. If a perfectionist’s work does not go well for some reason, he can start it 10 times from scratch, instead of correcting existing shortcomings.
4. Intolerance to annoying little things. A perfectionist can burst into righteous anger and even aggression if he discovers some minor imperfections. For example, different indentations on the pages of a quarterly report.
5. Avoidance of responsibility. Perfectionists are characterized by hyper-responsibility and associated anxiety. Situations that themselves require a high level of responsibility from a person become an unbearable burden for perfectionists. They simply cannot cope with stress and therefore avoid it.

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If you notice at least 2-3 signs in yourself, it means you have a tendency toward perfectionism. But don’t be discouraged: this quality has both pros and cons. In addition, you can work with it effectively. You just need to make sure that perfectionism does not turn into a pathological form.