A socio-psychological phenomenon and emotional state of a person associated with the lack of close, positive emotional connections with people and/or with the fear of their loss as a result of forced or psychologically caused social isolation.
Loneliness is not only a social phenomenon, but also a psychological and spiritual one. As a social phenomenon, loneliness has become quite common in an urban environment, in which time is scheduled by work, business, and social activity. Relationships with other people can be of varying degrees of depth, businesslike, friendly, but for us it is important not to be alone among a crowd of people, or not to be lonely, without communication.
It is important for us how we experience the state of loneliness. Experiences can be very different. For example, after intense work, especially with people, a person needs to be alone and do something for himself, as they say - to be with himself. During this time, you can put your thoughts in order, make plans, change the context - for example, spend time in nature or go to another country. The experience of loneliness as suffering is primarily characteristic of anxious and melancholic character types. According to another typology, it is difficult for those who are in dependent relationships or in the position of codependent to experience loneliness.
Experience of loneliness
Loneliness is experienced very painfully. This is a feeling that we want to escape from, and we do this by being distracted by something. We are helped by watching TV shows and movies, computer, mobile phone, travel, alcohol, work. All this helps to get rid of the unpleasant feeling. Because in solitude we experience that we are again thrown back to ourselves. In solitude I have only myself. I'm abandoned. There's no one around. I don't have a relationship, I don't have anyone I can talk to. Loneliness is the experience of not being in a relationship. This feeling can be especially acute in longing for something. If you love someone, you feel sad at being separated from them. I miss my loved one, I feel connected to him, but I cannot see him. My heart is with him, and without him or her, my heart is lost to a certain extent.
A similar feeling can be experienced during nostalgia, when we yearn for our native places. I experienced a very strong homesickness when, as a child of 11-12 years old, I was in a boarding school. It was warm and pleasant at home, I had relationships there, I had friends there, and I was at a boarding school far from home. I was away from home for a whole month. I felt like I was in a foreign world. The world was cold and I felt lost. All this time I was thinking what was happening at home, what my relatives were doing: now they got up, now they are having dinner, now the family has gathered at the table. And I was constantly in pain because I was separated from the part of life where I usually experienced warmth, where I had a feeling that I was part of this world. I felt incredibly lonely.
We can feel lonely at work if we are confronted with some demands, if there are some projects that we have not yet matured into. Where we feel insecure about them, and if no one supports us. Then we feel alone. If I know that everything depends on me alone, fear may arise that will accompany loneliness. This is the fear that I will turn out to be a weakling, that I will feel guilty because I cannot cope.
It's even worse if bullying occurs at work. Then I will feel that I am at the mercy of this, that I am on the edge of society and that I am no longer part of it.
Loneliness is a very big topic in old age, in old age. And in childhood. Children who are not met, children who are left alone when their parents are busy with something else, can feel helpless in their loneliness. Loneliness traumatizes children because alone they are not able to develop their self. They stop developing. A distortion occurs in the development of a child if he experiences long moments of loneliness. On the other hand, it is not so bad if the child spends a couple of hours alone, since this is an impetus for his development. This is exactly what reality is.
In old age, loneliness is no longer a traumatic factor and does not hinder development - but it does load. It can cause depression, paranoid feelings, sleep disorders, psychosomatic complaints and pseudodementia. It happens that pseudodementia is a person’s silence from loneliness. He used to have a family, he worked for decades, was among people, and now he sits at home alone. One of my patients, aged 85, was sitting at home alone. Being her doctor, so that she would not be completely lonely, I bought her a canary. She had a living creature. This canary helped her live a couple of years longer. She talked to her every day.
For most older people, TV serves as a “comforter”. But TV is communication directed only in one direction. And yet man, at least, hears human voices. And in any case he can say something to himself, even if no one will hear. I think this is not a bad form of overcoming loneliness, creating some kind of bridge, because it relieves the severity of loneliness. But, of course, this is an ersatz, a replacement. In old age, loneliness can be very depressing. Especially if he has lost the ability to see or hear. Can I imagine having to live in this state for a couple of years? When the only thing that will accompany me is back pain or digestive disorders. We can imagine how helpless we are in such situations. And here the question of the value of life really arises.
Do I know loneliness? If we ask ourselves: When was the last time I felt lonely? Is loneliness somehow present in my life? Maybe it is hidden behind some kind of businesslike everyday life? If I'm honest, I can probably detect it. Or I may discover that there were times when I was lonely. Maybe I haven’t known this feeling for a long time? Maybe it's alien to me? Or the other pole: maybe I really suffer acutely from loneliness? And it suppresses me so much that all the joy about life has simply disappeared that the question arises about the meaning of life.
What is the reason for the mood change
Experimental studies have shown that in the autumn-winter period the content of the hormone serotonin in the brain - a biologically active substance that regulates mood - is much less than in summer. The key component regulating serotonin metabolism is melatonin. This is an active substance, the production of which directly depends on the amount of daylight. Melatonin is released only in the dark and is very sensitive to light. During long summer days, the release of the component is noticeably reduced, since the dark time of day is significantly shorter than the light time. In the autumn-winter period, this ratio changes in the opposite direction, which leads to an increase in melatonin production.
Photo is for illustrative purposes, photo by Depositphotos
Symptoms of seasonal depression:
- depressed mood regardless of external circumstances;
- anhedonia - decreased or loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities;
- fatigue, decreased performance, decreased vital energy.
Additional symptoms are:
- pessimistic assessment of the past and present;
- irrational anxiety;
- difficulty concentrating;
- difficulty making a decision quickly;
- causeless irritability;
- thoughts about death, thoughts of suicide;
- unstable (increased or decreased) appetite;
- marked weight loss or gain;
- Glycogeusia - the appearance of a sweet taste in the mouth in the absence of appropriate irritants;
- sleep problems: the presence of insomnia or excessive sleep.
Often these symptoms are more pronounced in the first half of the day, while in the evening the condition improves. Patients suffering from seasonal depression, along with low mood, anxiety and decreased activity, experience drowsiness during the day and increased appetite. If you find yourself with more than five symptoms, this is a reason to consult a specialist.
Loneliness among people
I can experience loneliness not only if I have no relationships with people. I can feel lonely during a holiday, at a party, even at my own birthday, at school, at work, in my family. Sometimes people are nearby, but something is missing. There is no meeting, there is no intimacy, there is no exchange with the other person. We are having superficial conversations, but I have a need to really talk to a person. We talk about skiing, about cars, but we don't talk about me and you.
In many families, we talk only about some matters, who should buy what, who should cook the food, but they are silent about our relationships, about what we care about. Then I feel lonely and in the family.
If no one sees me in the family, especially if we are talking about a child, then I am lonely. It’s even worse - I’m abandoned, because there are people around, but they are not interested in me, they don’t look me in the eyes. They only look at whether I do well in school and that I don't do anything bad. And this is how I was raised. I'm growing up alone.
The same thing happens in partnerships: we have been together for 20 years, but at the same time we feel lonely. The sexual relationship is functioning, but am I in the relationship? For the other person, is it about me - or only about himself? Or just about satisfying some needs? If we don't take the time to talk to each other like we did when we were in love, then we become lonely even in good relationships.
In every relationship there are times when loneliness is felt as the relationship moves more along a curve, going through ups and downs. We cannot be constantly ready to communicate with another, be constantly open to another person. We are immersed in ourselves, busy with our problems, feelings, and we have no time for anything else. But it could happen just when he needs it most. At this moment I am not there for the other, and the other feels lonely, maybe even abandoned in trouble. Such situations occur in any relationship. But it doesn't harm the relationship if we can talk about our different states later. And then we find each other again. But sometimes these moments remain wounds that we receive in the course of our lives.
We can experience loneliness not only when we are not in a relationship, but even when we are surrounded by people. And at the same time, we may not feel lonely when no one is around.
To understand loneliness, let's try to look at a person more deeply. Then we can understand why loneliness manifests itself in so many different ways.
How traumatic experiences are inherited
In trying to explain cases like Jesse's, scientists have discovered so-called biological markers - evidence that traumatic experiences can and are passed on from one generation to the next.
Rachelle Yehuda, a professor of psychiatry and neurobiology at the Mount Sinai School of Medicine in New York, is one of the world's leading experts on post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and a true pioneer in the field.
In her numerous works, Yehuda has studied the neurobiological aspects of PTSD in Holocaust survivors and their children. Her research on cortisol (the stress hormone that helps the body bounce back from trauma) and its effects on the brain has radically changed the way PTSD is treated around the world.
(People with PTSD experience feelings associated with trauma, even though the traumatic incident occurred in the past. Symptoms of the disease include depression, anxiety, stupor, insomnia, nightmares, frightening thoughts. People with PTSD are easily frightened and may feel that they are “on the edge.”)
Yehuda and her team found that children of Holocaust survivors suffering from PTSD were born with low cortisol levels. Their parents had the same one. This served as a predisposing factor for children to experience symptoms of PTSD in the previous generation.
Yehuda found similarly low levels of cortisol in war veterans and pregnant women with PTSD following the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York and their children. In her research, she not only found that survivors produced less cortisol (a trait that can be inherited by their children), but also showed that some stress-related mental illnesses (including PTSD, chronic pain syndrome and chronic fatigue syndrome) are accompanied by low levels of this hormone in blood.
Professor Yehuda's research shows that we are all three times more likely to develop symptoms of PTSD if one of our parents had it, and as a result are more likely to suffer from depression or anxiety. Yehuda was one of the first researchers to show that the descendants of people who survived traumatic circumstances carry physical and emotional symptoms of traumas that they did not directly experience.
Reasons for loneliness
Man is a creature that is, as it were, placed in the world. The main idea of existential philosophy is that it is impossible to be human without correlation with the world. To be human means fundamentally to be in the world, to be in connection with something or someone else. Without connecting with otherness, it is impossible to be human.
Heidegger defined “being here” (existence) in precisely this way. Heidegger often used the word Dasein instead of the concept Person to show that I cannot be if I am not connected with You or with This. To be here is to be at peace. In the world of my family, in the world of my city, in the world of my ideas and ideas. That is, being human is a fundamental relatedness. If something in this correlation is not functioning, then we experience a lack of something and may feel lonely.
But this connection is twofold. Martin Buber spoke about the “I-Thou” and “I-It” relationships: I relate to another person, just like me, and this is a personal relationship, or I relate to some thing, some business ( for example, “I’m driving a car”). That is, relationships have an external pole, but they also have an internal pole. I also need to deal with myself, I need not just BE in this world, but I must also be ME. We have a correlation outside and a correlation with ourselves. This idea can help you understand three reasons why loneliness occurs.
Firstly, loneliness is a violation, a disorder of relationships. When we are alone, we worry that there is either no relationship or that it is not developing correctly. A relationship with a person means: I am connected with this person through my feelings, I would like to experience the person in my feelings. I would like to be able to feel what motivates him and what he feels.
Let's think about the relationship with your child. I would like to feel how a child experiences and lives his life. I would like to participate in this, I would like to be close to him - because through closeness I develop a feeling about my child and his life.
Relationships are more than just relatedness in terms of feelings. Relationships always have a beginning, but relationships have no end. Relationships last forever. And it can be assumed that since I always remain connected to the person with whom I have or had a relationship, I can never be lonely. All the relationships that I had with other people were preserved in me. If I meet my ex-girlfriend after 20 years on the street, then my heart begins to beat faster - because there was something, and it still continues to be in me. Everything that happens in a relationship is preserved. And I can live by this. If I experienced something good with some person, then this is a source of happiness in my subsequent life. I can think about my mother, my father, with whom I had a good relationship, and feel a warm feeling.
However, if the relationship is bad, then I don’t want to remember them, I don’t want to go back to the past. Then I wish it weren't true. Then I lose contact with it. There seems to be a relationship, but it hurts me - and I turn away. And if I turn away, then the relationship no longer lives at that moment. Therefore, it may be that I will feel lonely, although I am or have been in a relationship.
There's another reason why relationships can make you feel lonely. What we have described so far is the outer pole of the relationship. But there are relationships directed inward—relationships with oneself. If I don’t feel myself, if I don’t have feelings, if they are muted, then I’m alone with myself. If I don’t feel my body, my breathing, my mood, my well-being, my fatigue, my joy, my pain - if I don’t feel all this, then I’m not in a relationship with myself. Then I am missing a fundamental, basic part of life.
This can happen if I have had an experience that caused pain - then I don’t want to turn on myself. If I have been offended, disappointed, deceived, if I have been ridiculed, then I feel pain if I turn towards myself. And it is a natural human reflex to turn away from what causes pain and suffering. We described this in terms of external relationships, but also in internal relationships I can withdraw from myself. And then I no longer feel myself, I am no longer in a relationship with myself. It can take me so far that I won't feel my body. I will feel my feelings to such a small extent that I will develop psychosomatic disorders. They always indicate that you are not feeling something very important. This is a signal: you don’t have to continue living like this, feel what hurts you so that you can process it. So that you can be sad, so that you can forgive - otherwise you will not be free. Migraines, stomach ulcers, asthma and other disorders tell me: don't continue like this. There is something very important that you must do first.
If I lose my relationship with myself, then I will no longer be able to feel myself. Or even worse - I can’t live a relationship with you either.
I cannot truly experience a relationship with another if I am not capable of resonance, if no movement arises in me, because the feelings are too wounded. Or because I never really had them. If my mother never held me in her arms, if my father did not have time for me, if I had no real friends, then I have a “dull” world of feelings - a world that has not been able to develop. Then my feelings are poor and then I am constantly alone. Because I don't feel very good (or not at all). Therefore, in relation to another person, my feelings are also flat. This is the second level of relationships that leads to loneliness.
But there is also a third level, which is above the level of relationships and which is also causally related to loneliness. This is the meeting level. This level is connected with the fact that I am I in a relationship. If in a relationship we can experience being together and feel the closeness of another person, then thanks to the I another aspect is introduced that “explodes” this pleasant being together: with all our connectedness and mutual striving towards, we realize that I am I, You are You, but I am not You. That difference that cannot be eliminated. It is eliminated, for example, in a symbiotic relationship, when I myself dissolve in you. But if I am I, then there is a boundary between us. Then I worry that, in principle, I am responsible only for myself, I am left alone with myself.
There is no second Alfried Langle in this world. Each of us is one and only. The way I am is unique and unique nowhere else. And this is the basis that can potentially make us alone in this world.
Why do I feel lonely and unwanted?
Adolescence is a period of crisis when your body and your psyche change so quickly that your body does not have time to cope with it and therefore experiences severe stress. It becomes difficult for you to manage your emotions, experience negative feelings (pain, despair, sadness), and cope with life’s difficulties. Even small troubles are seen as a disaster that cannot be eliminated. And if we add here a lack of understanding on the part of others, or, even worse, violence - physical, psychological or sexual - then the feeling of worthlessness, loneliness, and rejection only grows.
Here is an example of a 15-year-old boy’s painful experience of his loneliness. We think you understand his feelings
Loneliness destroys hopes, makes you disappointed in yourself and other people, leads to bad habits or other, more terrible consequences. But it also has another, positive side - it allows you to realize your isolation from other people, to discover your unique and inimitable inner world. With this positive thought, let's start working on your situation.
Results
Thus, loneliness is a feeling of lack (loss) of something or someone personally significant in a person’s life. It is dangerous for a person: it threatens his freedom, individuality and identity.
But on the other hand, we can say that this is a specific version of self-perception, self-awareness. By taming loneliness, you can find confidence in the uniqueness of yourself and others, and realize the value of human relationships. Tamed loneliness is the basis for building trusting relationships with yourself and others.
- The phenomenon of loneliness is at the intersection of psychology, sociology, philosophy, and culture. Therefore, it is difficult to name a single definition, reasons and specifics for overcoming loneliness. But we can still say that loneliness refers to the inner world of the individual. It is not identical with the concept of isolation or solitude. This is a discord in your relationship with the world or yourself.
- To overcome loneliness, it is important to work on developing your inner world and developing psychological resistance to the influence of the outside world. There must be limitless content within you that you can share with others and that will allow you to preserve yourself.
- You can’t find your circle of close people or be alone with someone if you haven’t been alone with yourself. Only two (or more) integral individuals with developed self-awareness can be together and create a group. The remaining individuals who have not known themselves (lonely) create a crowd (equally lonely, acting according to formal laws).
If you cannot cope with loneliness on your own, or you are tormented by suicidal thoughts, then be sure to visit a specialist!
How to get rid of depression and loneliness
Nowadays it has become fashionable to call oneself not a lonely person, but a free person. But what to do when there is no one to show off to and seem better than you really are, when you are at night and from the silence of your own home you are slowly going crazy, when it doesn’t matter who is nearby, as long as this someone is present in life, When does the feeling of loneliness drag on and develop into depression? You don't have to actually be that way to feel lonely. Often people, living in marriage, having parents and friends, feel lonely.
Loneliness is dangerous because it can cause serious depression or lead to suicide attempts.
Loneliness does not choose its victim according to age or gender. The status, material security, appearance and type of activity of the chosen one are also unimportant for him. A young man who cannot find a suitable partner feels the same spiritual emptiness as an elderly person who has lost loved ones or does not know how to find a common language with the younger generation. Loneliness is often experienced by subjects who have an inert nervous system, who forcefully establish social contacts, who have difficulty getting used to new people in their environment. In addition, the presence of a feeling of loneliness is due to a deep pathology of the individual’s psyche, for example, due to autism.
Personal perception of loneliness is of great importance. Most people mistakenly perceive loneliness as a tragedy. Instead of “making friends” with him, making him your ally, using him to work on your own personality. A person with a healthy psyche and a cool mind should perceive loneliness as an opportunity to change himself, personality traits, and appearance for the better, as an incentive for self-improvement.
How to get rid of the feeling of loneliness when there is no loved one nearby who could simply listen, when loneliness is justified and a person has no one to go to the cinema with, spend the weekend, no one to invite to visit? First of all, it is recommended not to focus on the negative feeling; there is no need to feel sorry for yourself, burying yourself headlong under the feeling of your own worthlessness.
You should convince yourself that loneliness is only freedom and personal independence.
How to get rid of loneliness - the advice of a psychologist states that the first step is to identify the reason that caused the feeling of abandonment and understand the nature of the feeling felt. For this purpose, you need to understand yourself. You should try to understand exactly why loneliness is felt, what is missing and what you would like. It would be useful to engage in thorough self-analysis.
If all attempts to find out the cause and understand the nature of the phenomenon are unsuccessful, then you can seek professional help. After identifying the causes, you need to begin working to eliminate them. First of all, you need to take a closer look at your surroundings. Maybe there are people in it who are constantly dissatisfied with everything, eternal skeptics who make you sad. It is better to limit communication with such individuals. It is also necessary to expand the circle of communicative interaction. It is better to give preference to positive and open subjects who radiate happiness and confidence with their entire appearance.
Often, ordinary communication with sincere, kind and positive people is a cure for many mental (and other) ailments. Therefore, you need to try to communicate and get to know each other more. A person surrounded by loyal, supportive, successful, cheerful, honest, empathetic friends will never be negatively affected by feelings of loneliness. Moreover, today it has become much easier to meet people. Our age of super information technology allows us not to limit our circle of communication exclusively to people living in one city or country.
Today it has become possible to maintain communication with a resident of any “corner” of the globe. For this purpose, various social networks, thematic forums, dating sites, and programs for communicating via the Internet have been created. Even the language barrier is no longer an obstacle, because many translation programs have been developed. The Internet not only helps you find people to talk to, but often even connects two loving hearts. At the same time, the virtual world should not completely replace real life.
Do not neglect “live” communication. Therefore, if you receive an invitation to come visit on the occasion of a party, then you should take your eyes off the monitor, go put yourself in proper shape and feel free to go visit. After all, there may also be several extraordinary personalities at the party, communication with whom will give many pleasant moments.
On various forums you can often find “cries for help”, such as: “help me get rid of loneliness”, “I’m tired of loneliness, what should I do?” and so on. If the cause of loneliness is hidden behind uncertainty and low self-esteem, then it is necessary to begin with double zeal to eradicate your own complexes and insecurities, which are an obstacle on the road to success and a happy life. After all, low self-esteem and uncertainty prevent you from building healthy relationships not only with the opposite sex, but also with individuals of your own gender.
You need to take responsibility for your own life, not allowing fears and far-fetched complexes to control it. To increase self-esteem, first of all, you need to sincerely love your own personality, unconditionally, and then focus your energy on self-improvement, which is achieved by reading various educational literature, watching the news, developing communication skills and desired character traits, eradicating “bad” qualities .
You need to be interested in what is happening around you, and not isolate yourself in your own “not very pleasant” personality. In fact, society treats an individual the way he treats himself. Cultivating dependence on public opinion, many do not realize that only her opinion and judgments of those closest and dearest should be important for a self-sufficient person. In addition, considering themselves a collection of all kinds of complexes, individuals do not notice that these complexes may not exist in reality, and if they do exist, they are not as “terrible and deplorable” as the imagination depicts.
To get rid of loneliness on your own, it is recommended to find something you like or a hobby that will bring you pleasure and satisfaction from the process. If you don’t have enough knowledge to implement your favorite activity, then you can sign up for a thematic seminar or training. Seminars and trainings not only increase the level of knowledge, but also contribute to the acquisition of useful contacts and communication skills.
The appearance of the person struggling is also important in the fight against loneliness. An unkempt, unattractive appearance directly affects a person’s self-esteem, lowering it, and low self-esteem, as mentioned above, provokes a lot of complexes within oneself, which leads to a feeling of loneliness. In addition, even a slight change in appearance can give a bit of confidence, which will be an excellent incentive for new achievements and making interesting acquaintances.
Why depression is more common in women
Genetic vulnerabilities, hormones, and stress contribute to the development of depression in both women and men. Here are some causes of depression in women:
Genes
Studies of identical twins, who share the same genes, suggest that heredity may account for about 40% of the risk of developing major depression. Certain genetic mutations associated with the development of severe depression occur only in women.
Hormones
Gender differences in depression first appear during puberty. Additionally, the hormonal changes that accompany your period each month can cause mood changes similar to those that occur with depression.
Photo by Riccardo Mion on Unsplash
And some women are more likely to develop depression after childbirth or during the long transition to menopause, two other stages in a woman's life when hormone levels fluctuate wildly. Scientists believe fluctuations in female hormones such as estrogen may underlie women's vulnerability to depression.
But although the question has been studied frequently, no one has been able to prove that these hormonal fluctuations affect mood in large groups of women. The current consensus is that hormonal fluctuations may make individual women more vulnerable to depression at certain times in life—perhaps by interacting with other factors such as stress.
Stress
Public opinion polls show that women are more likely than men to say they feel stressed. Other studies show that women are more likely than men to become depressed in response to stress.
Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash
Women are also more susceptible to certain types of serious stress, such as child sexual abuse, adult sexual assault, and domestic violence.
Traumatic experiences
Traumatic experiences, especially early in life, can have long-lasting effects on the brain. Everyday experiences can also have an impact. Women are more likely than men to care for children—they take care of small children and elderly parents. It can also lead to depression.
Poverty
Another type of stress is poverty. Women are poorer on average than men, especially single mothers with small children.
Other factors
Some studies show that women are more prone to anxiety than men. These psychological characteristics can push some women towards depression. Health and activity levels may also contribute. For example, poor physical condition and lack of exercise.
Relive Grandma's Feelings to Cure Depression
When I explained this connection to her, Gretchen listened intently. Her eyes widened and her cheeks turned pink. I saw that what I told her resonated with her. For the first time, Gretchen received an explanation for her suffering and began to understand it.
To help her understand things more deeply, I asked her to imagine herself in her grandmother's place. To do this, I placed foam rubber shoe prints on the carpet in the center of my office. I asked Gretchen to imagine how her grandmother might have felt about losing her loved ones. Then I asked if she could go further and stand on these footprints and feel in her body what her grandmother felt then.
Gretchen said she felt a sense of overwhelming loss and grief, loneliness and isolation. She also felt the enormous sense of guilt that many survivors commonly experience. Feeling guilty for living while their loved ones were killed.
When working through a traumatic experience, it is often helpful for the client to experience for himself the feelings that are deeply hidden in his body. When these feelings finally became available to Gretchen, she realized that her desire to destroy herself was strongly connected to the deceased members of her family. She also realized that to some extent she had accepted her grandmother's wish to die.
As Gretchen realized all this, seeing her family's history in a new light, her body began to unclench, as if something compressed inside her could finally relax.
