Psychological complexes are a very common phenomenon. We can say that almost every person has their own “cockroaches in the head,” and some have a serious psychological problem that darkens their lives. As can be understood from the name, a complex is not just some kind of oddity in behavior, but it is a whole set of elements: ideas about oneself, beliefs and views, emotions and reaction patterns, behavior patterns and compensations. It is not surprising that it can be difficult to deal with complexes, because the rational approach and the “stop thinking about it” method are ineffective, since they do not address the entire spectrum of components of the problem.
To better understand the dynamics and structure of this phenomenon, we recommend that you read the article “How to get rid of complexes” and other materials on the topic on the site. If the roots of the problem have grown deeply into the psyche, and it seems that you cannot cope with such a burden on your own, it is best to turn to a specialist for professional help. However, in many cases, it is possible to work with what we call complexes yourself and get excellent results. Below we will look at the practical steps and tools that make it possible to eradicate these toxic mental formations.
However, first we need to figure out what we are dealing with. Complexes are not always obvious to their owner, who becomes so accustomed to them that he begins to perceive his problem as something normal and inseparable from himself. Often a person suffers from some kind of “plug”, not realizing that it needs and can be removed, regaining the right to live a full and happy life.
The topic of complexes is vast and includes a large number of different phenomena. You can learn more about which of them are inherent in the strong and beautiful half of humanity from the article on female and male complexes. Today let's look at just five common complexes.
What are complexes and why do they arise?
The concept of a psychological complex is used to describe a “sore spot” in a person’s psyche, touching which can provoke inappropriate behavior, for example, withdrawal or aggression.
Complexes appear as a result of a certain trigger event, which brought a person many negative experiences and caused a distorted perception of himself, people and the world around him.
Each person has certain zones of self-esteem within which he can be vulnerable:
- appearance;
- personal traits;
- professional achievements.
Most complexes appear due to criticism from others. Surely you know how long someone’s careless words can stick in your head. At the same time, the person may not have wanted to offend you at all, but the process of self-doubt has already begun.
We live in a society, and therefore it is typical for us to want to correspond to the models set in society: to have a figure and facial features imposed by beauty standards, a level of income to be no worse than others, and even to have qualities that are in trend. Any discrepancy becomes a subject for the appearance of complexes.
Experts believe that 90% of all complexes we get from our parents. Incorrect upbringing leads to the fact that even in adulthood it becomes difficult for a person to feel loved and needed.
Society also makes its contribution, including close friends, colleagues, and relatives. One single bad joke about weight, height, ear shape, etc. can forever sow a seed of insecurity in a person and create sensitivity to any information about the body. If such unflattering remarks accompany a person constantly, the complex intensifies and does not allow one to live normally.
Development of human complexes and problems of education
Since the 17th century, there has been a debate about whether it is possible to educate a person? If it has an original nature and what is it? The Enlightenment believed that man is fundamentally reasonable and kind, and there are no shortcomings that cannot be subdued by reason. The 20th century overthrew the constructs of the Enlightenment and revealed the depths of irrational passions.
The same drama plays out in the life of a person coming into this world again. A man or woman is between two fires:
Education. Wednesday.
Parents are convinced that everything good in a child comes from them, from upbringing, and that the environment is to blame for bad behavior. If we consider the development of complexes, then we will have to upset the parents, because the child is not brought up with words, he is fed:
Parents' behavior. The tone of their conversation with each other. Family stories that highlight the strengths and weaknesses of each parent. Unfulfilled hopes, aspirations, dreams of parents.
Parents write the life script of the child's fate.
If parents want to raise a person without serious psychological trauma, they should not only say the right thing, but also act as they say. Then there is a chance not to mutilate the child’s life.
The only problem is that few people have children when people are really ready. In most cases this pressure is:
Wednesdays. Traditions. Personal or selfish attitudes. Case.
Everyone can easily give relevant examples.
The environment puts pressure on a person in the whispers of others: “He/she is already 33, and he/she is not married yet.” The pressure of tradition is expressed in the fact that “this is how it is accepted.” In some cultures, neither the man nor the woman is given time to consider their future, but is immediately pushed under the roof of the institution of marriage. The attitudes express themselves in the fact that women and men (what is there to hide) use family and children as a tool to manipulate another person. Their motives are different, but this does not change the essence of the matter. The game of chance expresses itself when no one planned, but the child appears, and with him the family is hastily organized, perhaps as a business project.
Agree that the situations described accompany the birth of quite a lot of people. The latter learn about the conditions of their coming into the world as adults. Since the conditions for the emergence of people are imperfect, people are also imperfect.
Types of complexes
There are two main types of complexes: physical and psychological.
The first are associated with external data, when a person is ashamed of his figure, face, leg length, eye shape, chest shape, etc. Physical complexes can be based on real defects or be far-fetched and provoked by someone’s careless remarks.
Psychological ones are diverse in their specificity. The most common of them:
- inferiority complex;
- victims;
- superiority;
- excellent students;
- guilt;
- complex in bed, etc.
There are also less common types of mental reactions, for example, the Oedipus complex or the Electra complex. We will not consider them, since working with such features is the work of specialists.
But you can try to get rid of the complexes that are more familiar to us on your own. Let's find out how to do this.
A person with an inferiority complex and a desire for superiority
Let's analyze the components of Alfred Adler's theory, because his system most fully describes the world in which people now live. People experience an inferiority complex and try to overcome it. We will see that a person with an inferiority complex is not so bad, quite the contrary.
The inferiority complex arises from the human helplessness that everyone experiences in childhood, when he is very small. From an inferiority complex comes a natural desire for superiority. Here “superiority” is devoid of a power component and is understood only as a thirst for integrity, happiness, usefulness and need for society, belonging to it. Man has been weak for a long time, so he wants to become strong and powerful. Each person understands the ideal of completeness and happiness in his own way, therefore each has his own paths and his own goal. Or rather, there are many professions in the world, and all the work of, for example, psychologists is similar, but there are no identical methods, tests and people, and all because everyone has their own ideas about perfection.
Adler identifies three sources of the inferiority complex (we convey in our own words):
Congenital physical problems (disadvantages), or poor health in general. “Greenhouse conditions” of existence in the family. The child is loved too much, valued too much. When such a life ends, it is difficult for him among people. He cannot find a common language with his brothers; he wants the same unconditional acceptance from other people that he had in his family. Oppressive parents who instill fear, suspicion and heartlessness in their child.
Ways to overcome the inferiority complex - defense mechanisms.
Compensation. He is well known among the people. A weak, frail child develops his strengths, but does not pay attention to physical weakness. There are a lot of examples: a child who fails in physical education does mathematics, physics and becomes a scientist. The opposite example can be given. Athletes in interviews claim that science was not given to them at school, and they focused on sports. Overcompensation. This mechanism, on the contrary, forces a person to make up for those deficiencies that are poorly developed in him. A frail, weak child goes to the martial arts, bodybuilding or boxing section and turns into a threat to the school. Those who offended him now tremble. The biographies of Jean-Claude Van Damme, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Bruce Lee are typical examples of the effects of overcompensation.
Thus, “people without complexes” is a myth. It's just that celebrities skillfully retouch their weaknesses. Complexes permeate human life. Complexes can be overcome and compensated, but you cannot get rid of them completely. After all, the memories remain.
How to stop feeling complex about your appearance
It is believed that it is much easier to cope with physical complexes than with psychological ones, since the roots of the cause lie on the surface and lie in self-esteem and the desire to compare oneself with others.
Believe me, even very attractive people have complexes about their appearance. If self-esteem is at zero, then the reflection in the mirror will never suit you. Hence the cases when girls go under the surgical knife several times in an attempt to achieve an ephemeral ideal, but every time it seems to them that something is wrong.
Glossy magazines, photoshopped photos on Instagram and advertising add fuel to the fire. It is important to understand that there is incredible money in the beauty industry. It is beneficial for such a business to make people feel that they are not beautiful enough and spend money on improving their appearance.
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Below are the recommendations that experts give to those who suffer from complexes about their appearance. They are relevant for people of any gender and age, including teenagers.
Tips to help you love yourself:
- Don't compare yourself to others and set clear boundaries in your relationships with those who constantly compare you. Every person looks the way he should look in order to walk his life’s path in a way that is good for his soul. Everyone is unique in their own way. Imagine what would happen if all women looked exactly the same. By the way, now there is a joke among people about a plastic surgeon for the wives of rappers. If you compare the life partners of popular rap artists, you will understand what we are talking about.
- Think about who and when imposed the idea on you that there was something wrong with your appearance. What was the motive of the person who criticized you, and is his remark actually true?
- People don't love you for your looks. Yes, appearance attracts, but that’s not why people love you. Even glossy beauties with legs from the ears are cheated on by their spouses, abandoned and left them. They love for other qualities. Moreover, beauty is a very relative phenomenon. It is quite possible that someone else is crazy about your hooked nose, which you don’t like so much, and considers this facial feature extremely attractive.
- Work on your self-esteem. We have collected the best tips in a separate publication on how to increase self-esteem.
- Instead of self-criticism and “tuning” your photos, treat yourself to a spa session, a massage, go to the pool, visit a cosmetologist, go shopping, book a photo shoot.
- If you have complexes about your body and because of this you cannot open up in bed, remember that your partner may also have doubts about his own appearance. In addition, during sex, people most often think about how they themselves look. And honest and frank conversations on the topic of intimate preferences will help you relax and trust.
- Change! If the desire to change your appearance is not dictated by an obsession to be like your idol, but rather by necessity, take the solution to this issue into your own hands. Many of those who dream of a better figure are simply too lazy to engage in physical activity. Set yourself a goal and go towards it. At the same time, compare your progress with your past self, and not with other people's successes and achievements. As a last resort, you can decide on cosmetic procedures and surgery, but keep in mind that the result does not always live up to expectations.
Focus on the positives
Often teenagers are dissatisfied with a specific part of their body or its condition, but are fixated on this “flaw” so strongly that they begin to perceive themselves as ugly in general. They do not notice their advantages and attractive sides.
Once you have learned to look at yourself without judgment, take a green pen and write down what you like about yourself. The list must contain at least 10 advantages; the maximum number of advantages is not limited. If you can’t immediately gain the required amount, repeat the exercise again. Refer to your list regularly to boost your self-esteem.
Make a habit of focusing on positive characteristics. You can praise yourself, give compliments and be sure to smile at your reflection. This exercise will help you learn to perceive yourself positively.
How to cope with psychological complexes
Getting rid of internal complexes is not so easy, because the sources of their appearance can go deep into childhood and take root for years.
Let's find out what you can do on your own.
Find the reason
A psychological complex is a set of suppressed fears, worries and other negative emotions that a person could not cope with on his own or did not receive timely support. Remember who became the source of your complex: mom, dad, sister, neighbor, classmate, bus conductor, store clerk.
In most cases, you will find that the original source comes from childhood. The child, due to his emotional immaturity, is very sensitive to other people’s reactions and cannot separate constructive criticism from groundless nagging. He takes any words in his direction as truth. “If they say I’m bad, that’s how it is!” - the child thinks.
Assault and emotional violence in the family can have serious consequences for the child’s psyche and have a negative impact on his adult life. A person brought up in such an environment will devalue himself in every possible way and try to earn the attention and love of others to the detriment of his own desires and interests.
Realize your worth
There are no useless people. Each one is needed for something and fulfills some unique role. You are already valuable by default, because you were born and live in this world. Your sense of self-worth should not depend on external successes and other people's opinions of you.
Feel the difference between self-esteem and self-worth. The first concept is related to self-evaluation, and the second is based on unconditional acceptance, regardless of conditions.
There are no perfect people. Even top Hollywood stars and dollar billionaires have complexes, fears and internal blocks. Allow yourself to be imperfect, make mistakes, say “no,” choose yourself and your interests, build personal boundaries and respect the boundaries of other people.
Interesting! Do you know that the tall and strong guardsmen under Napoleon Bonaparte never received promotions? It was all about the commander's complex about short stature.
I recommend reading our article on how to stop depending on other people’s opinions.
Find sources of inspiration
The advice about finding your hobby sounds very primitive and hackneyed, but it really works. Write down on a piece of paper everything that brings you sincere pleasure. It doesn’t matter at all whether these activities are fashionable or only appeal to you. What you love will become a source of joy, and achieving success in it will help strengthen self-respect.
Find a role model. This should be someone whose mindset you would like to aspire to. Subscribe to his blogs and be inspired to make your own changes.
Reconsider the environment
If you are around people who constantly make you make excuses, fight for your interests, feel humiliated, vulnerable, consider setting clear boundaries. State how it is possible with you and how it is not possible. Otherwise, you will have to minimize communication or completely sever ties. Even regardless of who this person is to you.
Be with those who motivate you for overall development, with whom you feel good and there is no need to defend yourself.
Build new neural connections
Our brain does not distinguish real events from those that we can imagine. Joe Dispenza, an American lecturer and researcher in the field of neurophysiology, talks about this process in detail in his bestselling books. You can weaken the old neural connections responsible for the complexes and build new ones that will symbolize your calm attitude towards the subject of concern.
For example, you are embarrassed by your “imperfect” body. As soon as you think about it, compare yourself to Instagram skinny people, worry, you strengthen the corresponding neural connection. It becomes more and more significant and has more and more influence on you.
Change the direction of your thinking. Imagine how calmly you walk along the beach in a swimsuit, without experiencing a shadow of embarrassment, as representatives of the opposite sex look at you with interest and admiration. The more often you start thinking about your body positively, the faster a new neural connection will be built and the old one will be forgotten.
By the way, the beach is a great place to get rid of the complex about your shape. Please note that people of all sizes rest there and most of them feel great.
This technique with neural connections can be applied to any psychological complex. Imagine how you confidently communicate in public, enjoy communication, feel significant in society, etc.
Change your lifestyle
Living life in despondency, feeling sorry for yourself and drowning in complexes, does not require much effort. But taking responsibility for your happiness and development is another matter. Move more, walk in the fresh air, read interesting books, sign up for courses, workouts, watch your diet, get enough sleep.
No one will make your life interesting, comfortable and joyful for you. It all starts with our inner mood and state.
But for motivation, here is an article in which we tell you how to start life from scratch.
How to get rid of complexes
First of all, if you want to eliminate psychological problems, you need to be determined to seriously work on yourself. It will be associated with a change in attitude towards one’s person, the development of an integral self-perception.
You can get to know your “I” better, learn about your true capabilities and see limiting beliefs by signing up for my consultation. After talking, we will create your personal development path.
What else to do
Ask yourself questions like:
1. What can I do well? How does this activity benefit me? How can I spread this to people?
A favorite activity is an opportunity not only to escape from internal experiences, but also a way to see your strengths. It can be a completely simple hobby, but it evokes positive emotions in you. Something in which you feel strong, confident. Be sure to find the answer. Don’t hide behind the barrier “I don’t know”, “I don’t have that”. Think carefully and make a list of things you enjoy doing. Let it be reading, making tea - something insignificant in a global sense, but very valuable to you.
2. Why do I compare myself to others?
Really, for what? Humanity is replete with rich, successful, beautiful, famous people. There will always be someone better than you. By spending time drawing parallels between your life and someone else's, you deprive yourself of the opportunity to enjoy the present and see opportunities for future growth.
3. Why don’t I believe in myself now?
Try to remind yourself that your uncertainty and constraint are not related to your current assessment of you as a person, but to events from the past. Remember a phrase you often heard from your parents or friends as a child. Perhaps you have simply become a hostage to the subconscious and cannot adequately evaluate yourself.
The one who does nothing makes no mistakes. Even if you get a negative experience again, this is a reason not to close yourself off, but to work on correcting existing shortcomings. This is the only way development happens. If you cannot answer these questions on your own, do not be afraid to seek help from a professional. Working with complexes is a deep, complex process that involves eliminating paradigms that have been developing over the years. It is absolutely normal if you cannot cope with such psychological problems on your own. Finding them and wanting to solve them is half the battle!
Useful materials
I suggest you pay attention to books about the manifestation of complexes and ways to eliminate them:
- Daniel Reinemer “Complexes – so what? How can we recognize them and live with them?”
- Arianna Huffington “How to get rid of inhibitions in love, work and life”
- Wayne Dyer "How to get rid of the victim complex"
- Anna Shekhova “Cinderella Syndrome. How to get rid of the good girl complex”
- Hans-Joachim Maatz “The Lilith Complex. The dark side of motherhood"
A course from Vikium Brain Detoxification will help you get rid of complexes, toxic thoughts and love yourself. It consists of 10 lessons, includes practical tasks, exercises, video and audio materials, as well as recommendations for independent work. With a discount, the program now costs only 990 rubles.
Vikium also has a course on Critical Thinking. These are 9 classes and 2 simulators. You will learn from them:
- do not be influenced by the media and advertising;
- achieve your own, not imposed goals;
- wisely manage your most valuable resource – time.
I also recommend reading posts on our blog:
- How to become self-confident - an article for women;
- How to become self-confident - for men.
