How to stop being jealous of a guy, screwing yourself up and trusting: advice from psychologists

24.06.2019
Most often, it is not the man who is suspected of cheating who suffers from jealousy, but the woman. She experiences fear, resentment, anger, anger. Negative thoughts prevent you from enjoying life and enjoying your relationship with your loved one. If there are no compelling reasons for suspicion, jealousy becomes pathological, you need to take urgent measures and seek help from a psychologist. We’ll tell you in our article how to stop being jealous and screwing yourself up, and trust a guy.

Stop controlling

Constant control exhausts both. Don't torture yourself and your loved one. Realize that the problem is only you. The search for signs of betrayal turns life into a spy thriller, but the end of the story is often tragic: the man, tired of hysterics and scandals for no reason, leaves. And the woman is left alone. Find harmony within yourself and give your loved one peace of mind using the following tips:

Learn to trust your partner. It's complicated. You'll have to make an effort. Do not check SMS, correspondence on social networks, do not pick up his phone. Don't ask who is calling or writing. If the guy wants, he will tell him himself.
Analyze what you are afraid of. Psychologists advise to survive and understand your fear. If you are afraid that a guy will cheat, imagine the picture that he is with someone else. Live these emotions as if they were real. This way you will get rid of fear. Now pain and phobias will be under control.
Stop nagging your husband or boyfriend for being late, meeting with friends, or saying the wrong word. Scandals and frequent quarrels cannot be tolerated by any normal man. You yourself push him to lies, secret meetings with friends.
Don't call your guy every 30 minutes. One call per evening is enough. A man should feel freedom and trust from the woman he loves.
Take responsibility for your emotions. Do you want to experience anger, rage, fear, please. It’s not the man’s fault that you have a good imagination and a 10-15 minute trip to the store, in your opinion, can be used to meet your mistress. Don't blame your spouse or boyfriend for something for which there is no evidence.
Let go of the situation. Stop beating yourself up and holding on to one man. Only a self-sufficient woman, and not a crybaby and hysterical woman, can keep a guy nearby. If it seems to you that there are enough signs of cheating, and your loved one denies all accusations, continues to kiss, hug, and care for you as before, relax. If he has a mistress, you will definitely find out about it reliably later.

According to psychologists, a woman’s lack of control is the first sign of her self-confidence. This does not mean that you need to completely stop asking your guy questions about his day and not pay attention to his behavior. Know your worth and don’t keep a person next to you who is not worthy of trust and does not have real feelings for you. Accept a simple truth within yourself: if a guy wants, he will cheat, he will leave. Control and mania for persecution will never be able to correct the nature of an unfaithful man. Therefore, there is no point in wasting energy on spy games.

How to cope with feelings of jealousy and start trusting a man

To overcome jealousy, you first need to recognize it. Do you admit that you are jealous? Often the first problem with jealousy is that the person experiencing it does not fully notice his feelings. “He’s an asshole and looks at others more than he looks at me” and “I don’t like that I don’t get more attention than others” are two very different formulations. If you are still closer to the first, then you have to first get closer to the second.

To do this, you need to recognize that your feelings are your responsibility . Another person can provoke them, but cannot control them. Jealousy is your feeling. And it’s your task to deal with it. It is not at all necessary to change your attitude towards your partner.

Then you need to understand what your jealousy is. This feeling can be very different, and first, figure out how objective it is.

Is the young man doing something that makes him doubt his fidelity?
Is this outright cheating or something that you think might lead to it?

Jealousy may well exist only in the mind - that is, the partner does not give a single reason, but you are still jealous. Don’t be alarmed by this turn of events, you can work with this too. At a minimum, you can win him again for your confidence or overcome your feeling with trust.

The first step in replacing jealousy with trust is to examine yourself and your feelings. This is scary, and it will lead to realizations that you may not like. And also conclusions and actions that you might not initially want. You may need to talk to your partner.

You may find that you don't know how to trust people.
Perhaps, having understood the nature of your jealousy and its causes, you will come to the conclusion that you will have to part with the man, despite all his wonderfulness. Then feel free to register on the dating site JuliaDates and start looking for a partner to your liking.

Starting to trust a person whose loyalty we somehow doubted is not an easy process. The main thing to prepare for is that you will never have enough solid ground under your feet. There will never be a 100% guarantee that a man is not cheating and will not do so in the future. There will never be a way to force yourself not to be jealous of your loved one. Because jealousy is your feeling , your internal process, and control over it is your task. You either choose to believe or not. Your faith and your choice are the only support available.

Take care of yourself

Beautiful, fit, smart and thrifty girls will always be in demand among normal guys. To stop being jealous of your man, engage in self-development.

If you don't know how to cook or want to improve your culinary skills, sign up for a chef course.
Be sure to play sports: swimming, gym, tennis or jogging in the morning are good for toning. Physical activity takes a lot of time; there is no energy left for sad thoughts.
Read books on psychology, personal growth training. A confident girl will not be afraid of breaking up with an unfaithful man and will stop comparing herself with more successful representatives of the fairer sex.
Meet and communicate with interesting people. Broaden your horizons in conversations, go to creative and friendly meetings.
Find a method to release negative emotions. This could be communication on forums with like-minded people, or going to the gym.
Generate positive emotions in yourself. Accumulate them, look for them in everything. Try to remember the feelings of joy and happiness, capture them in a photo, write them in a diary.

On a note! According to psychologists, the desire to get rid of pathological jealousy and an independent search for methods to eradicate negative thoughts is the first step towards recovery. Only in this case can a person turn the situation in his favor.

Signs of pathological jealousy

Pathological jealousy is a dangerous condition for a girl and her lover. In it, the lady loses touch with the real world and may show aggression and inappropriate behavior.

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What to do when a guy is offended: recommendations from psychologists

Pathological jealousy is one of the three main reasons that lead to domestic injuries and murders. The following symptoms will help you recognize that a woman has an unhealthy sense of possessiveness:

The desire to completely control a partner is the main sign of pathological jealousy. Who the man talked to, who he wrote to, where he went, what photos he looked at on VKontakte - all this cannot be hidden from his beloved.
If a girl suffers from pathological jealousy, she is not able to adequately respond to the actions and actions of a guy. A lady can cause a scandal when her chosen one’s phone is unavailable for 1 hour. If a man does not tell his beloved what he talked about with a colleague or friend on the phone, she will regard this as a sign of infidelity or dishonesty.
Blackmail is a favorite means of manipulating jealous women. It helps make your partner's behavior more flexible. A girl may threaten a guy with separation, suicide, or beatings from friends. This sign should not be ignored, as sooner or later it can cost the victim his life.
A jealous lady will constantly demand declarations of love and proof of feelings. But it will be impossible to earn the girl’s trust, because she understands that any promise can be broken.
A woman may demand that her chosen one stop communicating with the person she is jealous of. At the same time, the termination of friendly relations or friendship must necessarily take place in an aggressive manner.
A jealous person is characterized by frequent mood swings: a gentle expression of feelings can turn into attacks of aggression in a minute. In an excited state, a girl is capable of insulting a guy, shouting at him and using physical violence.

Overcoming pathological jealousy is very difficult. In such situations, it is advisable to consult a psychotherapist. It will help not only eliminate the symptoms of an unpleasant condition, but also teach you to look at the world differently.

Make him jealous

You can get rid of suspicion with another effective method: make a guy jealous of his beloved. The main thing is not to overdo it with deception and tricks. The task of a jealous girl is to create the appearance of an affair on the side, but under no circumstances to start an affair for real.

To put your plan into action, use the following methods:

Write less often, call your boyfriend. Don't be constantly online on social networks. If he calls you himself, do not pick up the phone and call back in 10-15 minutes.
For unclear reasons, cancel several dates or reschedule them.
Complain to your loved one that a colleague or fellow student wanted to take you home, was refused, but continues to insist and court you.
Buy a beautiful trinket, put it on the chest of drawers in your room or in your purse. And accidentally let it slip that it was a gift from an old friend.
Communicate more with friends, go to the theater, club, exhibitions without a boyfriend. Post photos of parties on the social network where your loved one is registered. Let the guy see that you are not alone.
Take care of your appearance, change your wardrobe. Prepare carefully for meetings with girlfriends, college or work. The guy will definitely be alarmed.

If you succeed, then the question of how to stop being jealous of a guy will no longer worry you. Now a man must think about cheating, how to get his beloved back.

What does jealousy lead to and why you need to get rid of it

A jealous girl is a terrible and powerful creature. Most likely, first of all, she is not thinking about how to solve the problem of jealousy, but about how to prevent betrayal.

She will move mountains to watch the guy's every move. She will know almost more about him than he knows himself. She will begin to eliminate threats in ugly ways, make scandals, get nervous, constantly suspect something and look for evidence of her suspicions. She'll look like a bitch. But often this will come from a search for security - she cannot cope with her jealousy, does not know how to overcome her sense of ownership and how to overcome jealousy and distrust of a man, so she tries in any way to prevent him from making a mistake.

Now imagine what such a relationship looks like: the guy can’t even sneeze without her knowledge. She gets involved in all his affairs, demands reports on everything, carefully monitors his surroundings and tries to influence him. In essence, she simply strangles him, gradually cutting him off from things and people that are important to him in the name of her own sense of security. Most likely, he will not want to bend under this. All attempts to stop this process will lead to her tears and scandals and will not give any result except strengthening her suspicions - he doesn’t want to give up his life, which means there is clearly something or someone better than her. Obviously, this relationship will not last long and will bring a lot of suffering and a minimum of pleasure.

You need to get rid of jealousy for the sake of your own comfort. For the sake of the very possibility of healthy relationships - because if there is distrust between partners, such relationships cannot be established. If your jealousy arises from an internal feeling of inferiority, then getting rid of it will lead to gaining self-confidence. And this will be a big plus not only for relationships, but also for other areas of life.

A jealous girl spends a lot of energy. She needs to simultaneously strangle her partner, live in terrible stress and eternal suspicions, engage in incessant espionage, waste energy on scandals and attempts to solve the problem through external means, and not through working on herself. Just imagine how much you can achieve if you direct all this resource in a good direction. You are probably interested in saving energy on such destructive matters. Find out how to get rid of suspicions and not be jealous. Use such a huge amount of energy on healthy relationships, career, hobbies, studies - anything that brings more pleasure and benefit.

How to stop being jealous of your ex

The psychology of girls is such that the relationship can be over, but jealousy towards the ex will remain. The strength and duration of anger at a guy depends on the character of the woman. To stop the mental anguish, consider the following options:

Go on vacation for a couple of weeks. Visit new places, meet new people. Be sure to post photos, joyful statuses about your vacation on VKontakte and other social networks.
Analyze past relationships. Couples do not break up if they have harmony and mutual understanding. Remember all the guy’s character traits that annoyed you, force yourself to forget about his good deeds. Try to create a negative image of your ex and feel sorry for his next lover.
Treat yourself. Go with your girlfriends to the most luxurious club, update your wardrobe. Make a wish list and gradually fulfill all of them.
Chat more with friends in real life, meet men online, enjoy compliments and dates.
Do something global. For example, charity, regularly help orphans, abandoned animals. Good deeds should absorb you completely, so that in a month you cannot remember what your ex looks like.

Reasons that provoke female jealousy

Jealousy in girls provokes the development of destructive and negative emotional and sensory states. It is almost impossible to cope with them alone. To overcome jealousy, a partner needs to find out what triggers the emergence of destructive emotions. In psychology, there are 11 main reasons that cause jealousy in a woman.

Cause	Explanation of the situation
Lack of trust in partner	Arises due to betrayal, deception and other situations in which a loved one did not live up to the girl’s trust
Diffidence	Complexes, lack of parental love and care in childhood or, conversely, overprotection
Dissatisfaction with intimate life	If a woman understands that sex with her is boring and uninteresting, and is afraid to realize her own erotic fantasies, then she will concentrate all negative thoughts on the guy. A girl can convince herself that a young man will look for a lady who is more relaxed in bed
Own selfishness	It is difficult for a self-centered girl to admit that a guy has personal interests. She believes that everything in life is done exclusively for her. Any violation of this condition leads to mental imbalance
Partner flirting with other women	The most common cause of jealousy. If a man allows himself to flirt with other women, then his partner will regard such behavior as a manifestation of a sexual desire to have a relationship with others
Lack of partner's attention	If a man works a lot, spends time with friends or sits at the computer, the woman will begin to be jealous in order to somehow bring her beloved into contact and get a little attention from him to her person.
Youthful maximalism in an adult lady	When a girl looks at the world through the prism of “good” or “bad”, ignoring the huge average space between two extremes, mistrust develops in the relationship. Every deviation in the behavior of the beloved is interpreted incorrectly. A woman believes that if a guy is late, it means he was with his mistress; if she remains silent, she is hiding something
Past negative experiences in relationships	If a girl’s former union with another man was dissolved due to his infidelity, she can transfer this negative experience into a new relationship. Because of the fear of being in such a situation again, a lady may begin to see reasons for jealousy at every step in advance.
Your own infidelity to your partner	Often, vivid feelings of jealousy can be observed in those who themselves prefer to go “on the side.” With the help of this behavior, traitors distract their partners’ attention from their own infidelities.
Fear of being alone	By nature, a woman, especially with children, is vulnerable without the support of a loved one. If she realizes this, her sense of staying safe and protected increases. To maintain her comfort, a lady is able to begin active surveillance of her partner
High degree of emotionality	If a girl is an impressionable person with a rich imagination, she can interpret any event in life and relationships in an exaggerated way

Advice from psychologist Yulia Lanske

Julia Lanske, a relationship expert and author of trainings for women, knows exactly how to stop being jealous of a guy and constantly screwing yourself up.

Her advice will be useful to you:

Don't ask unnecessary questions. Especially if you are not ready to hear an honest answer to them. Don’t rush things; if it happens, you’ll definitely be the first to know about a breakup.
Understand that your husband or boyfriend is not your property. He has the right to look around, talk with other women, and at the same time not put sexual overtones into the communication.
Take care of yourself. The fear of losing her usual way of life after a man leaves makes a woman weak. Realize your desires, opportunities, invest strength in yourself, in your career, then you will understand that you can exist perfectly well without this man.
Love yourself, your body. Low self-esteem pushes a woman to think about cheating, divorce, or the departure of her loved one to another, more beautiful, smart, economical one. When everything is in order with self-esteem, there is no room for jealousy. A self-sufficient woman understands that the guy chose her, which means everything about her suits him.
Don't look for a rival in every woman. There is no need to interrogate a guy about his colleagues, classmates at the institute, or his neighbor in the country. So you yourself push your loved one to another.
Do not deprive the guy of communication with the girls he knows. A union between a man and a woman does not imply shackles and a ban on talking with other people. Understand that you and your loved one should not avoid socializing after getting married or going on a couple of dates with each other.
Get rid of incorrect settings. The thought that all men cheat, if the husband does not give flowers, he does not love his wife, and so on, poisons the lives of girls. Understand that a guy doesn't have to live up to your idea of real men. He has his own ideas about correct behavior. Get rid of common clichés and life will be easier and more fun.
Find a hobby, go in for sports and don’t tell your loved one where you were and what you did today. Create suspense. Your loved one will become interested in your hobby when he sees the happy eyes of his partner.
Be interesting to others and yourself. Men quickly get bored with crybabies and bores.

Special cases

Jealousy, no matter who experiences it, has a number of common characteristics. But there are also special cases of jealousy, when it arises and develops only in certain situations. It is important to understand this, because understanding the causes of jealousy determines what we will do with this feeling next.

What to do if this feeling arose after a man cheated

If in the past you have encountered the fact of betrayal, then jealousy is a natural continuation of this situation.

To figure out how to start trusting a guy and no longer be jealous, a sincere conversation with your loved one and the realization that he could improve, and you need to give him a chance to prove it, will help:

Talk to your boyfriend often and learn more about his needs, values, and deepest goals. Discuss why you decided to stay together - whether you are connected by feelings or you are simply not ready to change everything dramatically.
Think about what values your relationship was built on. What needs to be done to improve them.
Discuss each other's feelings - tell them that your loved one's behavior caused you pain, but now you are ready for something new, and you can start all over again.

What to do if you are jealous of correspondence on the Internet

Many people consider checking their boyfriend's correspondence on the Internet to be the norm. In fact, this is not so - not only because you are violating a person’s personal space, but also due to the fact that you can thereby disturb your peace. The jealous woman begins to carefully study who her boyfriend likes, to whom and what comments he writes, checks the browser history, and restores deleted files and messages.

Analyze carefully whether your loved one's flirting by correspondence is really harmful to your relationship. If so, set a time when you can come over to discuss the situation and how to stop being jealous of your boyfriend for good. A frank dialogue can become the starting point for the emergence of a fragile sprout of trust in the heart of a jealous woman tired of surveillance.

The most acute reaction can be caused by the found online correspondence between a young man and a girl with whom he was previously in a relationship. Understanding how not to be jealous of your beloved guy for his ex is not so easy. It is important to remember that if such feelings really arise without any basis, they can lead to a breakup.

Jealousy will not only eat away at the girl from the inside, but will also force the guy to constantly make excuses for things that are not really his fault. If, after analyzing the situation, you realize that your partner can be trusted, then the next step is the need to understand how to once and for all stop being jealous of your lover for his ex, taking control of the flurry of negative emotions.

How to stop being jealous of your ex-boyfriend

A girl is not always able to simply let go of a previous relationship. Having experienced a painful breakup, she can cry and suffer for many months because of what happened. The reason is destructive egocentrism and a sense of possessiveness.

To stop getting angry and overthinking yourself, realize that your relationship is over. The ex-boyfriend also has the right to a new personal life. Therefore, mentally say “thank you” to him for all the joyful and bright moments and don’t think about him anymore.

Advice from psychologists

The advice of experienced psychologists will help you get rid of feelings of jealousy towards your boyfriend. Thanks to effective problem solving, you will stop suffering from destructive feelings. In any case, the recommendations of experts should not be ignored:

Stop following your loved one - we focus on the life of our young man because we do not have our own personal hobbies: otherwise we would not have time for empty jealous feelings. When a person is happy “in his own world,” he will not worry about how others live. Remember that your man is a man who is free to do as he wants.
Become interesting to yourself - think about what you would like to do for a long time and do it without putting it off. Go to a party with your friends, attend an interesting event, get your body in shape... Then you won’t need to keep an eye on the guy: he won’t want to lose such a bright personality. Then you will not have any problems with how you can stop being jealous of your boyfriend with his ex-girlfriend or with someone else.

READ How to test a guy's fidelity: the most effective ways

Trust your loved one - try to accept it as a fact - whatever your beloved says is the absolute truth. Then a month later you will see how far-fetched your fears were. If after a fairly long period of time the situation does not change, you need to think about whether you are with the right person or contact a psychotherapist.
Be frank - first of all, admit to yourself that there is reason for your suspicions. This is the act of a young man who has found himself a new passion while in a relationship with you. It is also important to tell your loved one about your suspicions, and to do this very calmly and delicately. Here's how you can stop being jealous of your beloved guy for everyone.
Remove everything from the relationship that bothers you. This is a good way to stop a guy being jealous of other girls. The feeling of possessiveness makes you do strange things - you can become hysterical, check your correspondence and personal belongings. If information about this reaches a young man, he is unlikely to be happy.

Advice from psychologists will help you build relationships without the difficulties that arose in the past. You will understand where you made a mistake and know what to do to fix everything.

Advice from psychologist Denis Kostosh

A well-known expert on the development of relationships between a man and a woman, Denis Kostash, gives the following recommendations in his video lessons:

stop controlling a man;
talk to him about your feelings;
work on being interesting to your lover.

Jealousy ruins the lives of people of any age and social status. Young and mature representatives of the fairer sex suspect their loved ones of cheating and torment themselves with bad thoughts. If you don’t know how to learn not to be jealous of a man, be sure to take the advice of experienced psychologists from our article, and finally establish a harmonious relationship with your husband or boyfriend.

What causes jealousy?

You are not confident in yourself

Licensed clinical psychologist Seth Meyers writes in The 3 Reasons We Can Get Jealous that people with low self-esteem may also feel insecure in relationships. They believe that they are not good enough to attract a partner and maintain his interest over time.

You need to control everything

One partner worries about his place in the world of the other. Perhaps a person had a disturbing experience as a child and now thinks that he cannot be trusted, because at any moment someone else may be chosen over him.

Anastasia Popova

psychologist, systemic family psychotherapist at Family Medical Center

But it's not just anxiety. This is an attempt to control the actions of the other party. Fear of other people's freedom and rebellion against it.

You are too attached to your partner

Constant groundless jealousy can arise due to excessive attachment, when one cannot separate from the other and lives his life.

If you constantly interfere in the life of your partner, prohibiting you from meeting with friends and spending time separately, there is a high chance of ruining the relationship. There is nothing wrong with a couple having common interests. But everyone should also have their own hobbies.

You project your own repressed desires onto your partner

Family psychotherapist Anastasia Popova notes that jealousy can arise due to the projection of one’s own state and suppressed sexual desires onto another person. Without admitting it to ourselves, we want to go to the left, but we attribute this to our satellite.

You have obsessive thinking

Jealousy can be a consequence of obsessive (obsessive) thinking. Psychologist Seth Meyers recalls The 3 Reasons We Can Get Jealous about a patient who was jealous of her partners in all her relationships. She also showed some signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder. When her husband came home late and stayed late, she could not come to terms with not knowing what and where he was doing. So I filled in the gaps and thought it out myself. She took the facts from her head, and then she was jealous and worried. She herself created disturbing thoughts and reasons for worry when she was faced with the most terrible circumstance for this type of person: the unknown.

Also, according to the specialist, jealousy can be caused by a person’s general paranoid state.

There is a real reason for jealousy

Perhaps the most logical reason: there really is a justified reason for jealousy. Maybe this is unambiguous correspondence with someone else, an unforgotten betrayal, or irrefutable evidence of infidelity.