Self-esteem is a person’s idea of himself, his qualities and capabilities. And despite the fact that one of the roots of this word is “self,” self-esteem is not formed independently, but on the basis of feedback from other people.
“The processes of self-identification, respect and self-esteem are not given to a person in absolute terms. This is always initially some reflection of it in the mirror of perception by others” (Semenovich A.V., Talents of the Children's Brain., 2016).
Let's figure out how teenagers' self-esteem is formed and how parents can help in this matter.
What is self-esteem?
Children look at the world, including themselves, through their parents' eyes. "Who am I? what am I? These questions interest any child, especially a teenager. He learns about this from other people. But what matters most to him is the opinion of the most important people in the world about himself: his parents. The child’s self-image and self-esteem are formed from the opinions, expectations, and attitudes of the parents. And sooner or later the child begins to see himself as others see him.
Numerous studies have confirmed that adequate self-esteem allows a person to take on new and difficult tasks, realistically assess their strengths and capabilities, sometimes fail and still win. Ultimately, we can say that self-esteem affects the ability to be happy. After all, a confident, loving and caring person is more likely to be able to build harmonious relationships with people, the world around him and himself.
A person’s self-image is formed constantly, continuously, throughout life. This is a changeable, mobile concept, and not an image fixed in the mind once and for all.
In early and preschool childhood, self-esteem is formed thanks to parental statements and attitudes. Why? Because children believe and absorb everything that significant adults say and think about them. In addition, they strive to meet and justify their parents' expectations. It is said that Vasya is a very kind and sympathetic boy, which means that this is so: Vasya believes this with a pure soul, and - what is important! really trying to be like that. And a child who is taught from early childhood that he behaves badly, incorrectly, develops self-dislike, and this interferes with learning, love, and building relationships with other people.
“Other children are like children, but mine...” the mother sighs, and the child’s heart shrinks with guilt, sadness and anger at herself: why am I like this?
Of course, parents say this not out of a desire to annoy their children. Most likely, their own parents also had the habit of criticizing and “educating” without measure, so they reproduce a similar style of relationship with their own child. The reason for overly critical upbringing can also be excessive demands on children, as well as one’s own inadequate self-esteem - therefore, one should not forget about “educating” oneself, but it is better to start with it.
Many children think that they are such “inferior” people. He took the cup and poured the milk, and immediately heard: “What kind of hook hands are you, you can’t do anything normally!” I started buttoning my shirt, but it turned out wrong... The child is in despair: “I can’t do anything!” Here the parents are “full-fledged” people, everything works out for them...” Only the parents forget that they were not born into the world as “ready-made” all-rounders.
Every parent, scolding their child, wishes him well. We all want the child to succeed in everything, and he would be able to do everything, know everything, understand everything, in general, would be such a super-adult - responsible, smart, hardworking, understanding... And right away, immediately - he was born and is already doing everything right ! Funny? Yes, it sounds absurd. But then where do we get so much discontent and irritation? It is difficult for us to come to terms with the imperfections of another person, but a child cannot live up to our ideals - simply because he is different. This does not mean that problems should be ignored and the world should be looked at through rose-colored glasses. Does the child have problems? Of course there is! Like each of us, every person. But there are no ideal people, and a hundredfold repetition of childhood shortcomings will lead to a bias in this direction, to a loss of self-confidence, to low self-esteem. And it will become very difficult to correct, adjust these character traits.
Why self-esteem matters
Children who feel good have the confidence to try new things. They are more likely to try their best. They are proud of what they can do. Self-esteem helps children cope with mistakes. This helps children try again even if they fail at first. As a result, self-esteem helps children do better at school, at home and with friends.
The boy raised his finger up
Teens with high self-esteem will be able to:
- act independently;
- will be able to take responsibility;
- endure disappointment;
- try to solve new problems;
- cope with positive and negative emotions;
- will be able to offer help to others.
The girl is sad with her head down
★Self-esteem in adolescents
What about our grown children and teenagers? That's who is "lucky"! If they scold a baby, they quickly forgive his mistakes - he is so cute! and small! And if a teenager is scolded, then he gets the “full program”, the intensity of educational actions increases... And this nasty child cannot be called “nice”. Day after day, irritation only accumulates, many parent-child relationships reach a state of war, and in war, as we know, all means are good. And... “Why are you listening to this music again?! Nothing good will grow out of you!!!”, “Look how you dressed? You look ugly! In this short skirt you look like a dead chicken!!”, “No one will ever be friends with you! You have a terrible character!”, “You will never find a husband! Because you have no brains at all! and you are very lazy! Of course, our “children” are not in debt, and will also find something to answer. Who will say it more painfully? Who will offend you more? What imprint will our “prophecies” leave on children’s souls?
Adolescence is characterized by sharp, diametrically opposed changes in self-esteem from a feeling of complete insignificance to absolute omnipotence.
This happens because self-identification in adolescence is just being formed. The boundaries of one’s capabilities are not clear, claims and ambitions are high, sensitivity to any statement about oneself is also very high. It is at this moment that the calm, kind attitude of parents towards a teenager is especially important.
Despite the fact that teenagers look and behave just like adults, they remain our children, and no less urgently need parental support, love, and acceptance. And although at this age the priority is the assessment of peers, parents remain a safe haven, a reliable rear, a safe place where you can gain strength, love and warmth - free of charge, for nothing, not for any outstanding merits or excellent behavior, but simply for that they exist in the world.
They expect parental approval and recognition, faith in their abilities, confirmation of intelligence, correct behavior, beauty, kindness and other various good qualities. In their expectations, they are very similar to kids, but they will never admit it. Thus, during adolescence, the influence of parents on a child’s self-esteem is very important!
★ Inflated self-esteem
When discussing the topic of self-esteem, we usually mean low self-esteem. What about the overpriced? It would seem that the higher a person evaluates himself, the more confident he feels, the more he can achieve. But it's not that simple. The fact is that a person with high self-esteem sets goals that are inadequately high for himself, and without being able to really calculate his own strengths, he may also be unsuccessful. The price of such “falls” is disappointment, a feeling of injustice, a feeling of hopelessness. Such people often blame the world around them, circumstances, but not themselves, for all their failures. Or, on the contrary, a person may think that it is possible and does not strive for anything at all - he is magnificent and just lying on the couch.
Inflated self-esteem is formed “thanks to” excessive adoration and praise of the child, when any deed, action and word causes a surge of delight in loving parents, regardless of the result. And when the time comes to face harsh reality, the child is offended and sincerely perplexed why everyone around him does not admire his extraordinary skills (which are no different from all other children). So overestimating yourself can also backfire.
How to evaluate your teenagers? And is it necessary to do this?
Let us repeat that a person’s self-image, self-esteem, is made up of feedback from other people. For full feedback, an assessment is needed (Semenovich A.V., 2016). But! Evaluation of an action, activity, and not the person himself. If there are no external, completely material markers of success or failure, a kind of insignia, specific criteria for the result of activity, the results, pros and cons of summing up are not obvious to the child - and even to the adult.
Our activities are based on the following principle: current need - desired, expected result. The expected result helps to choose a means to achieve it, to respond to internal and external obstacles on the way to it.
Comparing the desired result with the achieved result is assessment and control. This stage of comparing the obtained result with the desired one is one of the most important for a person’s mental activity at any age: it is here that feedback is formed. Essentially, these are the functions of analysis and synthesis.
We analyze - that is, we break it down into elements, evaluate, then synthesize - we draw conclusions for the future, we take into account experience, that is, we combine the assessed elements into a new picture.
Thus, assessment is necessary for regulating activity, for the formation of voluntary self-regulation, as well as for self-esteem.
★ How can parents help?
• Patience. Take mistakes and missteps as inevitable, but temporary difficulties. Realize the obvious fact - your teenager will definitely grow up and learn to clean up the dishes, make the bed, speak politely, stop wearing these terrible clothes and listen to such mediocre music, and will be just like all other adults. Only thanks to your efforts - with adequate self-esteem. And while all parents need patience, perhaps parents of teenagers will need a little more of it :)
• Be proud of your child and tell him about it often. Notice his successes (even the smallest ones!), tell him what he did well. This will help to form and maintain a positive attitude towards himself. Of course, admiration should not come out of nowhere. We praise for what the child has put diligence, effort, and work into.
• Believe in your child. Sincere confidence that a teenager is really smart, capable, kind, caring, able to cope with difficulties and become a worthy adult, does wonders - the offspring will really become like that. Children are very sensitive to unconscious impulses. Teenagers often don't believe in themselves, but your faith in them will give them the strength to move forward.
• We all easily notice what didn’t work out and don’t notice the opposite. Learn to notice what works well. To do this, write a list of the teenager’s positive qualities, skills, and actions (as long as possible). Update the list regularly. Positive feedback works more effectively than negative feedback.
• It is important that personal value and respect are not confused with actions. Separate actions from the person; the results of the activity are evaluated, not the child.
• It is necessary to skillfully support the strengths of character and appearance, and focus attention on them. “You are very mobile and cannot sit in one place, but you run the 100-meter race faster than anyone else.” “In my opinion, daughter, a short skirt doesn’t suit you very well. But you have gorgeous hair and a wonderful smile!”
• Allow your teen to make mistakes. He has the right to make mistakes, because he is growing and is just learning to do everything right.
• To do this, parents still need to come to terms with the sad fact that the child is not ideal. No matter how bitter it is to realize this, it is so. Well, a living person cannot be the best in everything, have a full set of “good” qualities and have no flaws at all. Otherwise it would already be a robot. This simple truth is easy to understand, but very difficult to apply to your child. “Well, this is, of course, true - for all the other children! “Well, my child could be better??!!!”
• What about education? Well now, can’t a remark be made? Of course, it is possible and necessary. Your feedback is very important. But it must be correct, without offensive statements, and note both what worked well and what could have been better. Teach your teenager to analyze activities and synthesize new forms.
• It is important to distinguish between education and an uncontrolled outburst of emotions. Education is when we explain to a child the boundaries of acceptable behavior and stop attempts to go beyond the limits, teach a teenager new activities, new ways of behavior, and suggest a solution in case of difficulties. What is important here is a calm, friendly tone, an atmosphere of cooperation and a huge supply of patience. And the outburst of emotions is just all these useless irritated complaints about “bad child” and indignant shouts in case of mistakes and failures.
• Use friendly phrases in everyday communication, such as: “I’m glad to see you”, “I like how you…”, “You’re my good one”, “It’s so good that we have you”, “Let’s stay together” , "I'm interested in your opinion". Thanks to these messages, the child feels that his parents love and notice him, appreciate him for simply being.
• Allow yourself to make mistakes and correct your mistakes. You don't have to be a perfect parent! What's wrong with your self-esteem? :)) In the end, we are all imperfect. We all try to become much better, but no one can become perfect. The most important thing to remember is that both you and your child are worthy of love and joy in this life.
Believe in your children! They will succeed.
Features of the formation of self-esteem in adolescence
According to P. S. Nemov, the formation of self-esteem depends on the characteristics of a particular age period.
In his psychology textbook, he notes that an active process of cognitive development occurs in childhood and adolescence. The growth of the child’s consciousness and self-awareness during these years becomes especially noticeable.
Figure 1. Self-esteem of adolescents. Author24 - online exchange of student work
The formation of self-esteem is considered from various points of view in a number of concepts.
Concept by D.B. Elkonina connects adolescence with emerging neoplasms from the previous period. Features of development at this age are manifested in difficult relationships with adults - negativism, stubbornness, leaving school, desire to join the company of peers.
The development of self-awareness is expressed in changes in the motivation of learning, communication, and work. “Children’s motives” lose their motivating power, and new “adult” motives take their place. As a result, there is a rethinking of the content, goals and objectives of the activity. Those motives that previously played a leading role, for example, play, are relegated to the background or become obsolete. A new stage of mental development begins.
In adolescence, from the point of view of M.A. In winter, special attention is paid to self-control of activities. First, this is control based on results, and then procedural control, i.e. the ability to choose and selectively control any step in activity. Many people still lack the ability to plan their activities, but there is a desire for self-regulation and this is manifested in the fact that interesting and exciting activities can hold a teenager’s attention for a long time and maintain a high pace of work.
In adolescence, believes L.I. Bozhovich, the processes of self-awareness and self-determination develop, all the teenager’s relationships to the world and to himself are broken down and rebuilt. Ultimately, the teenager comes to a position in life that will be the beginning of his independent life.
Changes at this age occur in various areas of the psyche, and dramatic changes concern motivation. In the foreground are motives associated with the formation of a worldview.
The structure of motives is characterized by a hierarchical system. Based on the leading, significant, and valuable motives for a teenager, there is a certain system of subordinate various motivational tendencies. In adolescence, the mechanism of action of motives arises on the basis of a goal that has already been consciously set.
According to L.I. Bozhovich, the main new development of adolescence, which is called transitional, is located in the motivational sphere, which is associated with the moral development of the individual.
The characteristics of adolescence, therefore, determine the ways in which self-esteem is formed during these age periods.
