Advice from a psychologist on how to let someone go from your thoughts: a review

Usually, we think about how to let go of a loved one not when everything is fine, but when we do not receive a response from him and we understand that further development of the desired relationship is impossible. This can also happen involuntarily if any attempts at contact lead to humiliation or re-traumatization. The main problem is that the inner child part still clings to the good, but it is necessary to activate the inner adult, who is able to make a strong-willed decision to transform his life. It is after the final decision to let go of a loved one that the resource appears to take control not only of the manifestations of social life, but of the holistic state of psycho-emotional factors.

Recognizing the powerlessness to return everything to the way it was is the starting point, and while the mind is walking along the path of the desired renewal, it is similar to the desire to build a snowman in the summer - zero possibilities, a huge amount of disappointment. Broken relationships again shift responsibility for one’s person and its further development, independence also lies entirely in the adult conscious part, and then the main problem becomes not a formal disappearance from physical space, but how to remove a person from the soul and make the experience non-traumatic.

What does it mean to let someone go?

Contrary to popular belief, letting go of a person does not mean forgetting or falling out of love. This process can be rather compared to a balloon that you like, but at a certain moment you let go of the string and it flies into the sky. Did you stop liking him because of this, should you forget about him? No. Now let's try to figure out what it means to let a person go:

letting go means learning to live and act based on your own interests;
stop controlling another person, do not interfere in his personal life;
become free;
be open to meeting new people;
enjoy every day, enjoy life;
be able to forgive (including yourself);
learn lessons from what happened;
restore harmony in the soul, become calm.

The opinion of psychologists. Letting go of a person means allowing him to live his own life, recognizing the fact that he has the right to dispose of it as he wants. It is very difficult for egocentric people to do this; they tend to quickly become attached and not let go of a person for a long time - to suffer, to follow him, to beg him to return, and even to blackmail him with suicide. All they need is for the “trophy” to be back on the shelf. Selfish people don't care about the feelings of others.

Sequencing

It is very difficult to immediately get your loved one out of your head. The process must be gradual

You need to realize that the advice of a psychologist is very useful now. You must understand that you are not the first to encounter such a situation. Your life does not end with a breakup. If you really want to cry, give it some time, for example, a week. Then pull yourself together and begin to act in accordance with these instructions.

Don't even try to look for meetings with your lover.
Get rid of anything that might remind you of your ex. The same applies to your joint things. If they are expensive, put them somewhere far away for a while.
Erase all contacts, delete his number from your phone, remove him from your list of friends on a social network.
Reassess your values. Write down on a piece of paper all the shortcomings of your ex-lover, including actions that caused you indignation. Take another piece of paper and write a list of your advantages. Look at both pieces of paper and realize that you deserve more. Left without this person, your life will only get better.
The next step is planning your future. It is desirable that serious changes occur. Realize that you now have more time at your disposal and have the opportunity to fulfill your needs.
There is no need to rush into a new relationship to make it easier to forget. It's better to take a break for spiritual peace. Just don’t become a recluse and avoid any communication with people of the opposite sex. Flirting will be quite appropriate, but you don't need to go too far.

Why do you need to learn to let go?

Many people don't understand how you can let go of the person you love. They quite sincerely believe that with the right efforts they can achieve a reciprocal feeling. In other words, make a person fall in love. This is where the main mistake lies.

No matter how many times you are offered apples or other foods that you hate, you will not be able to love them. Perhaps, out of pity or respect, you will eat a piece, but eat them every day? Well, I do not. Even if you paint apples orange and pretend that they are oranges, you won’t be able to deceive your taste preferences for long.

If these arguments don't seem compelling enough to you, consider this:

No matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, you cannot force a person to respond to your feelings.
Instead of emotions of happiness, you will only feel suffering, self-pity, dissatisfaction, and resentment.
A person who is being forced to do something against his own will will sooner or later become irritable, lose his moral veneer, and begin to treat you with disrespect. Eventually, your self-esteem will decrease and you will become accustomed to being humiliated and flattered.
All you are doing is prolonging the agony.
Sooner or later, a depressed state will lead to depression and health problems. Some, unable to let go, commit suicide.
You have probably already noticed that the world around you and your own life have become practically uninteresting to you? If you don’t stop, you may soon lose your job, drop out of college, completely neglect yourself, and “slide to the very bottom.” Is this what you dreamed about, what you strived for?
In attempts to retain the person who is leaving, you lose precious time. The sooner you let him go, the sooner you will get a chance for a new, happy life and mutual love.

Important. Relationships should bring joy and happiness. Remember, every person is worthy of love. You should not try to please, change yourself for the sake of another. Hundreds of people are ready to love you for real.

End of love

Why doesn't love leave a relationship because of one quarrel or resentment? The fading of feelings is a too smooth process, which sometimes happens unnoticed by one of the partners.

The feeling of distance can occur during ordinary quarrels, but it is too short-lived. Did your loved one hurt? You have forgiven and continue to love each other.

It is very rare for two lovers to lose their mutual feelings at the same time. Usually the step towards separation is taken by the one who is more disappointed.

This role is less painful in terms of consequences, which is why you can often hear from divorced people: “In fact, it was I who abandoned him/her.”

But no matter how advantageous your position is when breaking up, both you and your partner will feel suffering and longing for all the good things that happened between you.

You can't easily forget the person you love, but time and effort can overcome the pain of a broken heart. So, how to forget your loved one and start a new life?

Accept and forgive

There is no point in holding grudges against your ex, because even if you hate, you do not let him out of your thoughts. The best thing you can do is to forgive all your partner's sins and accept him for who he is.

If you broke up with a guy, try to remember all his mistakes and misdeeds. Don't try to justify him or get angry about such stupid behavior. Recognize that these mistakes are part of his personality.

You're not offended by the cactus for its prickly needles, are you? He is who he is. If you are afraid of injuring your fingers, get yourself a less thorny plant, and the cactus will find another owner. Do you think you still need advice from a psychologist?

Expand your horizons

A loved one was the whole world for us because of which we did not pay attention to what was going on around us. Do you know about the number of people on the globe? Until you get to know everyone, you can't say that your ex-boyfriend was ideal.

How to forget love? Communicate and be open to new acquaintances, travel, attend master classes and clubs on various hobbies. Don’t tell yourself “I can’t”; try to find solace in other joys of life.

By discovering a few new hobbies, driving along the roads of new cities or countries and making several hundred new acquaintances, you will change your perspective on the past. The old life will seem like a blink of an eye compared to what you still have to do.

We would also like to share with you a comprehensive commentary from our expert - psychologist, sexologist, psychotherapist, author and presenter of educational programs for psychologists Tatyana Slavina:

When you break up with your loved one, it feels like your whole world has collapsed. You cannot imagine your future and start living in the past because your present is painful.
There are several tips you can use to get out of this state.
First, accept and realize: the relationship is over, and the old life will never be again. This is a good way to understand that you will have to build it again.
Second, remove all items from your life and home that are associated with past relationships. Go around the places of your romantic walks and avoid any reminders of your ex-lover.
Thirdly, life and consciousness change radically: you have a lot of free time - don’t spend it alone, feeling sorry for yourself and sinking into depression.
On the contrary: this is the best moment to take up exactly those hobbies that you have always put off. Sports, drawing, learning French, finally!
Fill your time with what you have long dreamed of. After all, a new relationship may soon begin, but you still won’t learn how to dance bachata! And most importantly: realize that you have become free! Free from those attitudes with which you limited yourself and your desires in the name of your relationship.
Write down on paper everything you sacrificed and everything you made mistakes in. This will become your experience.
After all, it is important not just to forget a person, but to live on, and right now you can choose for yourself the life in which you will be truly happy.
And believe me: a new round of development, a new circle of friends, and, of course, new and happy relationships awaits you!

How to do it?

Now do you understand how important it is to let a person go? If yes, then you are already halfway there. All that is required of you next is not to resist, to allow the inevitable to happen.

Let the person go, don't hold him. Try to forgive him and wish him happiness. Forgive yourself for your mistakes. Which one of us is ideal? Everything happened as it should have.

Be able to say thank you. With the departure of a person, you did not lose, but gained. He gave you invaluable experience. Even if it is pain and suffering, do not complain about fate. Take painful sensations as a chance to grow above yourself, stop getting attached to people, and learn to build happy, harmonious relationships.

Let yourself go

If you remove the energetic connection to your loved one, the connection between you will still remain. But it won't be toxic. You will remember him, and he will remember you. But at the same time, you will feel like a separate person and will be able to fully control all your actions towards a man. And he will lose his power over you. For example, he won't be able to use you for a one-night stand. You will have the strength to resist temptation and stick to your line. You yourself understand that physical contact with a person who is not with you emotionally and mentally brings even greater suffering. While a real relationship is an equal exchange and a conscious desire to go through life together.

Useful practice

Most likely, you think that when the person leaves, you will lose the ability to love (“he broke my heart,” “he tore it out and took it with him”). It is important to realize that this is not the case. Love is a wonderful feeling that will always be with you . To get back to a healthy feeling of love and happiness, try the following exercise:

When left alone, sit comfortably in a chair (there should be no extraneous noise or bright light).
Close your eyes and concentrate. Where is your feeling, your ability to love?
Find this place and then fix your attention.
Now imagine that a glow is emanating from this point. Point it at a cat or dog, a child, a wall, or a plant.
What do you want to do?

Surely you will feel the desire to clean up the house, please your child with sweets, or walk the dog (depending on where the “light” was directed). Do the practice daily, and soon the painful feeling of resentment will replace real, joyful love for others.

Results

In conclusion of everything written, it is important to understand one thing, even when in a couple and even more so after a breakup, you need to learn to let go of your loved one so that he feels dependent on emotional nourishment and returns in search of it. You cannot achieve a person through pity or threats. He may be nearby, but only physically and only until he finds an opportunity to escape. Respect yourself, accept without reserve, love, and then you won’t have to return anyone, since unnecessary people will leave, and you will be surrounded by those who deserve to be around.

Let's support in the comments those who are just learning to love themselves and not depend on others. Tell your story of love and the return of your loved one.

Advice from psychologists

Experts say that you need to let a person go from your thoughts and heart gradually.

It is very important to go through all the stages of a breakup, otherwise all the suppressed emotions will emerge at the most inopportune moment. So, how to let someone go correctly:

The first thing to do is give free rein to your emotions. Cry, scream, sob, get angry. Give yourself permission to eat away your grief with ice cream, get an extravagant haircut, write a poem, or pour out all the negativity on paper in prose.
When you calm down a little, try to assess the situation soberly. No matter how much you want, do not embellish the past and the person who left you. Divide a sheet of paper into 2 halves, write down all the advantages of this relationship in the first column, and all the disadvantages in the second. Think about it, do you really need them?
Thank the person for all the positive moments, wish him all the best.
Don't look for someone to blame. Don't delve into yourself. You can rethink the situation later, when you finally calm down.
Distance yourself as much as possible. Hide away all things that remind you of this person (photos, gifts, cards). Don't listen to tearful music, don't watch melodramas. Change your number so you don't have to constantly wait for a call.
Change your appearance. Buy new clothes, get a fashionable haircut, join the gym. You must discover the “new” you.
Start filling the resulting inner emptiness with something new and pleasant. Find something you like, get a dog, read a book, communicate more with people. If possible, you can go to the sea and travel a little.
Learn to enjoy life. Do what you want. Treat yourself to pleasant little things every day.

Make plans for the future. You can draw a “wish poster”.

Now you can look back and rethink the past. Think about what lesson fate taught you? What mistakes did you make?

After going through all the stages, you will feel like a different person. The pain will definitely subside. Sometimes it may take a month, sometimes a year. The sooner you listen to advice, the sooner you will free yourself from the burden.

Author's advice. The main thing is to overcome self-pity. Try not to think how unhappy, abandoned, lonely you are. Turn your attention to those who have it more difficult - a family whose head has died, lonely old people, children growing up in an orphanage without love and affection. Start helping others and you will heal yourself.

Come back to yourself

In a full-fledged relationship, there must be two personalities - you and your loved one. Is it necessary to let go of someone dear to your heart at least in order to understand who you are? What are your aspirations, desires, needs? What is happiness for you, besides relationships?

Imagine that all the energy that has been going to your loved one for months now belongs only to you. It is your responsibility to use it to its maximum advantage. Think about what things make you happy, write them down and hang the list on your refrigerator. It could be little things - delicious food, flowers, massage, shopping. And also some new activity, hobby, a feeling of involvement in some interesting business or circle of people.

You will learn how to gain self-reliance from our article “And why did you give birth to me with such...? Or How to accept yourself and love yourself" >>>

In order to develop and gain experience, you need to communicate with different people. During this period, it is advisable to expand your circle of contacts as much as possible and open the heart of the Universe.

Practice from Jack Macania “Liberation from addiction”

The following exercise will be useful to anyone who has a painful experience of separation and does not know how to forgive and let go of a person.

Practice helps to cut the connection and stop experiencing negativity.

Let's get started:

Find a quiet place, take a comfortable position.
Close your eyes and imagine a theater scene. On it stands the person who hurt you.
Introduce yourself. You are standing on a hill or floating in the air.
Look carefully at the person. What does he look like? Describe it to the smallest detail.
Now feel the depth of your emotions towards him. The sensations should be as acute as possible.
Visualize the connection between you. How does she look? Perhaps it is thread, rope, cord or plastic tube? In what places are you connected to each other? This could be the area of the neck, abdomen, heart, arms, legs, throat, etc.
Stay in this state.
Now think about what qualities you and this person lack to make the connection less painful (at the moment)? Perhaps responsibility, love, patience, inner strength, confidence or something else? List all the resources you think are needed.
At the next stage, imagine that above the stage there is a certain source that contains absolutely all qualities (God or another Higher Power).
Ask him to give you everything you need. Feel how you are one by one filled with all the necessary resources. Feel it with every cell of your body.
Visualize how resources fill the other person through the communication channel between you. Give him the opportunity to nourish himself.
After that, take a closer look at the person. How has he changed? Has your facial expression, gestures, posture, facial expressions changed?
Talk to a person if you need it. Ask for forgiveness, even if it was he who offended you. Realize that in some way he taught you a lesson, became a teacher for you.
Break the connection. You can cut it with a sword, cut it with scissors, or do it with your hand. Record in your memory a picture of how you and that person look free.
Return to normal.

Note. Practice allows you to cut even old connections. This usually requires a one-time execution, but can be repeated several times if necessary.

No matter how much we love a person, at some point we need to be able to let him go. Each of us has our own tasks, our own destiny. Sometimes you shouldn't resist something new. You just need to let go of the reins and trust the flow.

Olga, St. Petersburg

What should you start doing immediately?

First of all, start working with your own feelings and sensations, I talked about this in the first part of the article. It's the most important. If you have already forgotten, re-read it again.

The rest is rather additional work that will help you come to harmony with yourself.

Understand your own values. Why did you break up with your loved one? Perhaps you really have different views on life? Try to identify and understand your own values and life principles, and separate them from the beliefs that have been written down in your subcortex for years.
Write a diary, or freewrite. The freewriting technique was originally used by writers to find inspiration, but in essence it is a very effective pouring out of the soul, which sometimes even replaces a trip to a psychologist.
Physical exercise. I know that I wrote about exercises above when I talked about how to cope with emotions, but physical education provides another very important bonus: by doing a set of exercises, we feel stronger, more persistent, and more resilient. What’s important is that we feel this not at the expense of someone else, but because of ourselves, and this significantly improves our mood and self-esteem.
Breathing practices. They are especially effective during an outburst of emotions, when the heartbeat quickens, fists clench, or a lump comes to the throat. You don’t have to immediately run to all sorts of gurus to learn how to breathe correctly. To get started, just download the breathing app to your phone and use it several times a day.

To summarize:

do not try to “slip through”, evade your feelings and your body’s reactions to stress. Allowing yourself to suffer, grieve, and experience pain is the main condition under which you can let go of the past.

So what is next?..

There will be a lot of “goodies” after you truly let your man go. Firstly, your appetite will improve, you will have a passion for life, an interest in people and new things. Secondly, your eyes will sparkle and your sexual energy will return. Accordingly, men's interest in you will increase significantly. And thirdly, sensing that the flow of energy on your part has stopped, your loved one will soon appear again. Perhaps he will even immediately offer to start all over again.

It’s up to you to decide whether to dive headfirst into an old, painful relationship, or not to rush, or maybe build it in a new way. But remember that the most important value is not someone else, but you, your personal comfort and peace of mind.

This is the School of Gravity. We are here to make you happy and loved! See you at the online meeting >>>