Surviving unrequited love and rejection: advice from a psychologist

Causes

To know how to cope with unrequited love, it is worth finding out the reasons for this feeling.

Internal state. Fatigue and depression affect the overall energy, and disappointment in love becomes an addition to the general emotional background.
Low self-esteem. Lack of self-confidence is reinforced by attitudes: “I’m too ugly for him,” “I don’t match him,” “No one will ever love me.” The lower a person evaluates himself, the more difficult it is for him to achieve reciprocal feelings. There is a strong belief that “I will always have it worse than others.”
The benefits of unrequited love. Sometimes such feelings have benefits, but the person is not aware of them. This is a way to hide from life; subconsciously a person does not want to be in a relationship, and a one-sided feeling allows him to escape from them.
The illusion of love experiences. Unrequited love creates a vivid picture of emotional life. It contains suffering, hopes, internal events associated with the object of love. I don’t want to leave this illusion into problematic reality.
Usually, people who do not see an example of a happy relationship in childhood do not cope with falling in love. Their parents did not show them an example of trusting relationships. It is difficult for such a person to imagine mutual love; it seems to him that intimacy does not exist. The consequences of this are choosing unrequited feelings or completely closing yourself off from love.

These reasons may not be recognized, but accepting them can answer the question: “How to deal with unrequited love?”

I love without reciprocity - how to get rid of unrequited love in 12 steps?

Please advise what should I do... I met a guy, everything was fine, he was from another city, he came to see me every time, but he was very jealous, he wanted me to quit my studies, my job, my hobbies (I perform) and I married him, I refused, the relationship became strained, he began to come and call less often... I made a remark... one day he asked me for my phone number, I didn’t refuse, he read all my messages and saw a message there where I congratulated my happy birthday to a friend, and correspondence with a classmate - there was nothing there except how things were going on... he accused me of cheating (he always accused me of this, but it’s not true)... but she was indignant and told me about her suspicions, what did he tell me in front of his friend he answered that men have every right to cheat, the friend laughed... I got angry and left, saying that we were breaking up... on the same day one guy wanted to meet me, I saw my friend’s car, and wanting to hurt him, I gave number to a stranger (but on the same day I admitted to a stranger that I gave my number out of spite to my boyfriend and asked for forgiveness) And I admitted to the guy that I gave the number rashly, but he didn’t believe it, and left once and for all... I suffered very much, lay in hospital... a month later one guy persistently followed me, I was rude to him, I didn’t want any acquaintances, but he found my number, started calling, so I started talking to him, he confessed his love, etc. but no trust in him I had no words, I offended him (in the end I found out that it was not in vain, he also had a girlfriend at that time) this is a different story, but what’s interesting is that he gave the same white roses, the same teddy bear as my ex and also offered his hand and heart, etc., and suddenly a call from my ex: he just warned me to be careful, and told me all the information about him, but he didn’t say how he knew everything (although they are from different cities).. I I didn’t believe him, but in the end it turned out that he was telling the truth. I suffered, I missed him... I wrote to him, but in response he offered to sleep with him, I refused... 3 months passed and I removed my pride, I called him, he offered to meet. We met, he said that he had a girlfriend, but kissed me, I asked if he loved her, to which he replied that he didn’t know what love was, then he said that he would have a second number so that we could call each other ..I love him very much, and I confessed to him more than once - there was hope to return him, but on the second day I expressed my suspicion that he was married and found out that he lives with her, that he introduced her to his parents and they are planning a wedding soon ... asked why he did this, to which he replied that he was fine with me, invited me to be his mistress, I refused, cried for a long time, could not calm down, to which he blamed me for everything, that that time I gave the number to someone else, and corresponded with his friends, he said all this because of me, the tears flowed non-stop, his words, his actions hurt me (he asked for forgiveness, and admitted that both were to blame for this), it made me feel even more painful - I left him a farewell love poem, and left... all night I cried, I suffer terribly, I don’t know what to do... and he, as if nothing had happened, offers to be his mistress (but I’m too correct, for me it’s low and mean)... I didn’t answer his message... I feel bad... what should I do please advise

Unrequited love is like an addiction

If a person cannot cope with his feelings for a long time, then psychologists sometimes use the term “love addiction” or addiction. Love addictions are often compared to alcohol or gaming addiction, only instead of alcohol or games there is a living person. When he is not around, the dependent person experiences real torment. He may get sick, gain weight, lose weight, and look exhausted. When dependent on love, a person directs all his thoughts and actions to the object of passion. He can write letters to him, keep watch at his house, stalk him on social networks.

Signs of love addiction:

a feeling of love arises towards a person who experiences indifference;
A woman or a man experiences unhappy love for a very long time, sometimes for years;
Along with love for the object of worship, a range of feelings is experienced, from jealousy to resentment.

In severe forms of addiction, your career suffers, hobbies and friends disappear. Psychologists note that people often come to appointments with the question: “How to cope with love addiction?” In most cases, their condition is already very serious. Unhappy love is often glorified in literature, the most striking example being Petrarch and his Laura.

On a note! Psychologists advise the use of prescribing suffering, thoughts, and keeping a diary for love addictions - this is one of the techniques of psychotherapeutic practice.

The benefits of unrequited love

Paradoxically, unrequited love for a man also has its positive sides. By trying to realize what keeps you in a relationship that doesn’t exist, you will see the advantages of this state of affairs.

By creating in her mind the ideal image of her loved one, the woman is left alone, she does not have to put up with the habits of her companion, or be irritated by his possible sloppiness or bad manners. The virtual partner absolutely corresponds to her ideas about the ideal man, he is perfect in every sense and much better than the earthly one, made of flesh and blood.
In such relationships, the girl does not overcome her complexes. In dreams of meetings with the object of desire, she is relaxed and irresistible, her partner never tires of admiring her beauty and sexuality. If a woman is overly complex, she will unconsciously choose an unrequited feeling in order to avoid acute moments when she will inevitably have to deal with fear of relationships, excessive shyness or the need to give up bad habits.
It happens that a girl is not yet ready to share her bed with someone every day, change her lifestyle, or pay a lot of attention. The reasons can be very different, as a result, it is too early to enter into a real relationship, but there is a spiritual attachment, and everything seems to be the same for everyone.
By asking for advice on how to get over unrequited love, a tormented woman in love receives a fair amount of sympathy. People around are ready to come to the rescue to make life easier for the already unfortunate poor thing. Colleagues take on part of the work, family members help with everyday problems, and girlfriends are always ready to listen. This is how the girl satisfies the ordinary human need for attention.
Experiencing unrequited love, a woman does not think about what to do. Her life seems filled with emotions. Every glance, word, ordinary greeting paints life with bright colors, it seems that just a little more and what you dreamed about at night will happen.
One-sided emotional attachment does not prevent a woman from accepting signs of attention from other men; scenes of jealousy do not threaten her.
Perhaps the girl is afraid of loneliness, and thus tries to fill her life with feelings.
In an effort to get the object of her passion, a lady in love tries to prove to herself and those around her that she is able to interest a man.
The bar in choosing a life partner is too high. You only need this one, or no one else.
I like life in the kingdom of delusions and expectations.

First experience

In their youth, many are faced with unrequited love. The first experience, an attempt to build relationships and feelings, is usually accompanied by self-doubt, increased emotionality, and idealization of the object of worship. Sometimes unrequited love is useful for outgrowing most complexes and fears in adolescents. But it happens that young people are disappointed; first love leaves a negative imprint on all subsequent relationships. Unhappy love is difficult to forget; your thoughts always return to it.

What to do? How to survive first love? To begin with, we should thank life for the lessons; love comes to us for a reason. We learn to build relationships, observe, become better and improve for our loved one.

You should also sift the wheat from the chaff. There is no need to paste the shortcomings of your former lovers onto your new loved one. It is useful to give up the habit of comparing. Yes, it's not easy to do. Negative experiences often come to mind, but you need to thank the universe that you found out who you really need.

How to act to forget him

You need to continue to live, communicate with people, attend parties, have fun

Before you think about how to get rid of unrequited love, you need to make sure that it really is such. There are cases when a girl mistakenly thought that her love was not mutual. You also need to figure out whether the feelings are just ordinary love.

At first, all attempts to get your loved one out of your head will not be successful. Everything around reminds of him, every sound, smell. And in my head there is only one thought: “I love him.” Such love is most difficult during the period of youthful maximalism. Feelings are intensified by hormones, and the matter can end very tragically. You need to know that the cause of 60% of suicides among teenagers is unrequited love.

Cry. Tears will help you get rid of unnecessary stress. Allow yourself to get angry and scream, this helps to throw out the accumulated pain.
You can feel sorry for yourself, cry into your friend’s or mother’s vest, but you don’t need to do this for too long.
Take care of yourself, your appearance, increase your self-esteem, make sure that you deserve more than this person.
Try to hate your loved one. As they say from love to hate...
Look at what is happening with a smile on your face. Years later, remembering these feelings, you will smile.
Stop thinking about your loved one, recognizing the smell of his perfume in the crowd, looking into the places where he likes to go.
Meet a nice young man. This will give you the opportunity to switch to another man.
Find a hobby that you can devote your free time to.
Share your emotional experiences with your parents. Over time it will become easier for you. In this way, we get rid of mental wounds.
You need to understand that time is the best way to get rid of difficult feelings and forget unhappy love.

A person is not able to get his love out of his head at once. For some it takes years, while others continue to remember their loved one until the end of their days. The main thing is to be able to cope with this feeling in order to prevent serious consequences of unrequited love.

I also had unrequited feelings in my life. This was in adolescence and was simple sympathy, although it didn’t seem so then. On Valentine's Day in sixth grade, I gave a Valentine's card to a ninth-grader. Naturally, he was surprised and from that moment began to avoid me. But my classmate had an unrequited love for the teacher. The girl suffered throughout all her years of study. In her last year, she accidentally met a guy who aroused feelings in her that were much stronger than those she had for the teacher. After graduating from university, she got married and no longer remembered unrequited love.

Surviving rejection

Sometimes, in order to receive reciprocity, you need to make a confession. It's scary to admit your feelings, get rejected and kill hope. How to survive rejection? But psychologists recommend not to be afraid to talk about emotions. This is better than dreaming about reciprocity for years and not making an attempt to try to be together.

Open recognition allows you to break out of a vicious circle and gain mutual relationships. Even if the answer is no, then you need to enter a new stage and build a different level of relationships, taking into account all past mistakes. Don't forget to praise yourself for your courage!

Video: psychologist Natalya Tolstaya about unrequited love

How to understand that your love is unrequited

When you love someone, your judgment may be a little clouded and it may be difficult to know whether your love is unrequited or not. While there is no definition for unrequited love, we have compiled a few signs here to look out for. If you notice them in the person you have feelings for, most likely he will not respond to your feelings in the same way.

You are being ignored

If you notice that your messages or calls are being ignored more often than they should be, this could be a sign that the person you love isn't that interested in you.

Give and take

When you are in a happy relationship, there is an equal amount of give and take. However, if you think that you are the only giver, then we have bad news for you.

Embrace

All the loving couples are head over heels in hugs. If the person you love doesn't like to cuddle, then chances are they aren't as interested in you as you are.

Flirting

When you flirt with each other, it's a great sign. However, if the object of your passion is flirting with others and not with you, it's time for you to realize the truth.

Spend time together

With these busy lives we live, it's hard to find free time, but whatever free time you have, you tend to spend it with the ones you love. If your significant other is not willing to devote all of their time to you, there may be something wrong in the relationship.

Passion

If your relationship has moved to a more intimate level, this does not necessarily mean that you are in love with each other. Sex can be just sex when there is no passion in it. Think about it!

Cell phone exchange

These days, we keep most of our personal belongings and secrets stored on our mobile devices. If he or she won't let you touch their phone, there are secrets he or she needs to hide, that's for sure.

Lies

If there are lies in your relationship, it means there is no love in it, at least on both sides.

Feeling lonely

Being in love means feeling happy and of course never being lonely. In case you feel lonely, despite the fact that your feelings mean one thing - your love is one-sided.

How to help yourself

But how to survive unreciprocated love? Let's look at the advice of a psychologist. Masters of psychological science recommend the following actions.

Investigation of the cause

If you cannot cope with unrequited feelings for more than 6 months, then there are reasons that incline you to love one-sidedly. Try to answer the questions honestly. What makes you continue to suffer? What is the reason behind the unrequited feeling and desire to be loved? Could this be due to fear that you will be offended or lack of confidence in your own attractiveness? What is the main fear in a relationship? If you manage to find out the reason, then you need to deal with it.

"Light a fire"

The poet Ovid advised treating unhappy love by lighting fires. Psychologists also recommend this appointment today. May you have many resources that will allow you to escape from unrequited feelings. New job, passion, hobby, volunteer help. It could be yoga, dancing, driving courses, a reading group - anything. If you scatter the firebrands of a love fire in this way, you will soon see that it has gone out.

Increased physical activity

This powerful remedy helps reduce stress, since the feeling of melancholy goes away along with sweat - adrenaline is produced. Nadezhda Babkina and many other stars cope with stress this way.

Make lemonade

A good method was recommended by Carnegie. He advised making lemonade from sour lemons. A feeling of love can be aimed at creation, and not at self-destruction. There are many examples of people coping with stress and rising above their worries.

Finding flaws

Feelings for a man or woman are often based on idealization. A loved one is endowed with only positive qualities; only the good is seen in him. Try going the other way. Write down all the shortcomings on a piece of paper, remember all the flaws, even if they are fictitious. This powerful remedy is suitable for people with a developed imagination.

Video: psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky, about unrequited love:

Reasons for unrequited feelings

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Today, many girls experience unrequited feelings for one man or another. First of all, this happens due to various psychological traumas, which, to one degree or another, are present in every person. One-sided love is more common in women who have a sacrifice complex and are subject to psychological dependence. Reasons may also be of the following nature:

Excessive idealization of a man. It seems to the girl that only a specific male representative can make her the happiest on earth. But more often than not, when a girl achieves the same thing, she will experience deep disappointment in this relationship. In order to work through the problem, it is worth contacting a psychologist if you cannot eradicate the cause on your own. After careful work on yourself, you can move on.
Long distance relationships. It is quite possible that this is just a fear of closer and more trusting feelings. The girl consciously chooses difficult relationships and then fights against windmills, which will lead her to the path of working on herself and her worldview.
Low self-esteem of a girl. The problem most often starts from childhood, when the girl was devalued and rarely praised by her parents, which allowed her to fall in love unrequitedly in her adult life. Here, too, one cannot do without the efforts of the fair sex herself.

Problems at work. To cope with stress or a difficult situation in your career, unrequited love will help, which will take a woman into a world full of suffering and worries, which will serve as an excellent attention switch.

Bad example of parents. If a girl sees a model of her mother’s behavior in the family, then, most likely, she will intuitively repeat this behavior scenario. Sometimes, realizing this particular problem on your own is quite difficult and takes a lot of time. The help of a psychologist will be very helpful.

Awareness of the correctness of life. Most often, girls who are perfectionists and are accustomed to perfection in everything are prone to hopeless love. Thus, they form a ready-made scenario in their heads and experiences in advance in order to control the process and not be left with nothing. But, this scheme most often has the opposite effect, causing a short-term feeling of suffering and inferiority.

A state of indecision. Unrequited love visits people who are not active and those who do not have their own life position, principles, as well as a main goal that seems to lead them to a happy life.

The contradiction of its uniqueness. Girls can deny their uniqueness and individuality, cutting it off at the root. This leads to falling in love with fairy-tale characters and ideal men.

In fact, there are many reasons for the occurrence of a disease called hopeless love. Only a professional psychologist can recognize and eliminate them.

Feeling unanswered

What is unrequited love? This definition can be called falling in love rather than a sincere feeling. It refers to attraction to an object that does not reciprocate. It can last a day, a month, or stretch out for many years, not allowing a loving person to build a full-fledged love relationship. Unrequited feelings are fueled by illusions, dreams, fantasies, and groundless hopes. For a woman who is weak in spirit, irresponsibility can lead to deep depression.

What to do if non-reciprocal love prevents you from finding personal happiness? You should get rid of it quickly. You need to fall out of love first and foremost for your own sake. One-sided affection can cause enormous harm to the psycho-emotional state of a young lady.