How to survive the death of your mother: personal experience and comments from psychologists

Parents leave before their children, and that's normal. It's much worse when it's the other way around. And everyone will have to endure this loss - it is impossible to prepare and understand its scale in advance. In my wide circle at that time, this happened to me, it seems, the first time, and then, when some friends’ mom or dad left, they said: “Yes, now I understand you.”

Stages of Grief

Some of the five stages you will have to go through:

1. Disbelief. When a mother leaves the world, her child, regardless of age, does not believe what happened. It seems that all this is a dream, my mother just left the house and will return soon. Even on the day of the funeral, standing in front of an unearthed grave, a person refuses to believe what happened. It feels like everything that’s happening is a bad dream.
2. Addiction. Time passes after my mother's death. The one who lost her begins to slowly get used to his mother’s absence. But the awareness of death never appeared; out of habit, my hand reaches for the phone to call my mother. I want to share something with her, talk, come visit (if living separately). And then, the person remembers that there is no one else to go to, no one to talk to, since his mother is no longer there.
3. Humility. Gradually, the orphan begins to come to terms with the death of his mother and realize the loss. And then, along with pain and bitterness, a feeling of guilt comes.

One of the most difficult periods is self-reproach, guilt before the deceased mother.

Help your child cope with loss

It is especially difficult for a young child to cope with the death of a loved one. In the absence of the right explanations and support, this can lead to depression and leave a mark for life. To help a child survive the death of a loved one, you should definitely contact a good psychologist who can help the child go through the pain correctly and return to normal life.

It is difficult for a child to cope with the death of a loved one

Often, adults do not know how to properly cope with stress for a child after the death of a relative. It is necessary to tell the truth, and it is important to do it in a timely manner - this will help you cope with stress faster. Because the baby sees that something happened, so there is no point in hiding it, it will only make the situation worse. If you tell him later, he won't have the opportunity to go through the stages of experiencing death with everyone else. This will be more difficult not only for the child, but also for the people who care for him. Therefore, you need to tell your child the truth.

If the child is faced with such a situation for the first time, then the funeral ritual will be incomprehensible to him, which means that you need to honestly tell him about everything.

There is no clear answer to the question of whether it is worth taking a child to a funeral. Some take very small children with them, and some do not even want to take adult children. However, if a child asks to take him with you, then it is recommended to listen to him, because this is the only opportunity to see a loved one who has passed away.

When experiencing grief, a baby may cry a lot, be sad, and depressed. Psychologists advise to treat this with understanding. But, if a child laughs loudly during the funeral process, you cannot scold him, because kids are always drawn to something bright and joyful, and you cannot take it away from them.

Feelings of guilt - justified or not

The mother died, but her child remained and cultivated a feeling of guilt. It seems to him that during the life of the parent the child did not show due care and respect. Somewhere, an orphan could offend his mother with a harsh word, forgetting to call or visit once again - this eternal lack of time. In general, he lived his own life, and my mother remained on the sidelines. A person, thinking about this, gnaws at himself, his sense of guilt grows every day.

Stop! If you continue like this, you can go crazy, in the literal sense of the word. All adult children, sooner or later, are separated from their parents. This is natural; a person creates his own family, which requires attention. And this does not mean that the parents are deprived of the attention of their son or daughter, it’s just that the child has become an adult.

As for harsh and rude phrases, there is no person who has never been insolent to their parents. Even the most well-mannered child, growing up, begins to defend his point of view and is capable of hurting his mother’s feelings with a careless statement. No wonder there is an expression - a conflict of generations. It is inevitable, especially in the child’s adolescence. But what can I say when adult children sometimes say harsh words out of resentment or in a fit of anger.

Everyone goes through this. Cultivating a sense of guilt in oneself is a thankless task: after all, the mother no longer cares, and the orphaned person only becomes more upset, which can lead to health problems.

How to come to terms with your mother's death and not become a hostage to memories

Mom died, the familiar world collapsed. In the case of living together, it is impossible to stay in the apartment where the mother recently walked. At night her steps can be heard, sometimes it seems that the mother is calling her orphaned child. The orphan constantly thinks about her, remembers everything, down to the smallest detail, starting from childhood. At some point, the realization comes that you can no longer live like this, but the memories haunt you.

The best way to get rid of obsessive thoughts is prayer. If a person is Orthodox, reading the Psalter about the repose of the deceased is mandatory. This is a huge spiritual help to mother’s soul and a distraction from her own, obsessive thoughts and memories.

A change of scenery will help you avoid becoming a hostage to memories. If you have the opportunity to leave the apartment where your mother lived, you should take it.

As for coming to terms with death, it will never come fully. The pain dulls over time, but does not go away completely. The most difficult period is the first year, when the pain is especially severe. Further - it’s easier, she begins to slowly retreat. This is comparable to a dying fire: even if there are only coals left, just one spark is enough for the fire to flare up again.

How to behave 40 days after the death of your mother?

Estimated reading time: 3 minutes.

Reader question:

Good afternoon Mom (Irina, baptized, believer) died on July 29, 2020, unexpectedly for everyone (at 49 years old) - heart disease, there were no serious health problems.

Help me understand why this is so? I always have a feeling of guilt that the Lord is punishing me for my sins (for rarely attending services, for the fact that at some moments I could be harsh in communication with my mother). Even after repentance, it doesn’t make me feel better.

How to behave for 40 days? Is it possible to be happy about some things? Enter into an intimate relationship with your husband? Or should we spend this time in mourning, prayer, silence?

Thank you for your answer, God bless you!

Archpriest Andrei Efanov answers:

Archpriest Andrey EFANOV

God's blessing be upon you! My condolences on the death of your mother! This is a very difficult event, and the first days, even, I would say, months after this, are a very serious time, full of emotions and reflections in connection with the death of my mother. I will give you a link to the text How to survive the death of a loved one?, it contains advice on how and what to do during this difficult time. God help you!

Why my mother died, I cannot say. Of course, this is pain for you, but the life of each person is a separate thing, and the Lord takes a person at the most appropriate moment from the point of view of Eternity. This has nothing to do with your behavior and your life; you must agree, it would be too cruel to take a person’s life because his daughter behaves incorrectly. So no, I don’t think there is a connection with your spiritual life, it’s just that the time has come for your dear mother. You and your mother are separate people, and you have no reason to blame yourself for her death, that’s for sure. Maybe you were wrong towards your mother, but this did not lead to her death, dear reader!

I understand that now you may remember different moments, and this is painful and painful, because you can’t get time back. But now you can really help your dear mother if you start praying for her. You need to pray at home and in church. Brief answers to all questions about how to do this can be found in the material How to remember the dead? I think you already know about the Proskomedia and about reading the Canon about the deceased, but look, maybe you will need some instructions. Prayer for the departed is very important because it helps them overcome difficulties that are associated with the fact that they did not have time to do something during their earthly life. You don’t need to remember past grievances and problematic moments, it’s better to try to pray now, this will be beneficial and you will feel calmer, because you will give mommy effective help.

As for thoughts, the death of your mother may be a reason for you to think about your life. And I think it will be right. You can (and I would advise!) reconsider your relationship with yourself and God, redefine your life priorities, reassess your values, see if what you considered important before is still important, and maybe it’s worth paying attention to something still new.

When it comes to mourning, there are no uniform rules. You won’t go anywhere with your emotions and it would be strange not to be happy if you are happy. Never in Christianity has mourning been associated with the renunciation of marital intimacy, so such a restriction is completely unnecessary. But on the 40th day you may need this information: How to remember for 40 days?

Kingdom of Heaven to your mother! God help you!

How to live if a loved one has died: advice from psychologists

When a mother passes away, it is very difficult for the orphaned person. Here's what psychologists say about this:

Be sure to speak out. Accumulating pain and remaining silent is the worst thing a person can do. What is left unspoken accumulates, resulting in an emotional explosion that, at best, can lead to a nervous breakdown. At worst, treatment in a psychiatric clinic.

Talking about what happened, within reasonable limits, allows you to cope with pain faster.

Release the deceased. After the death of his mother, the orphan is consumed by guilt. Much was left unsaid; mother was not given as much love and tenderness as she would have liked. Painful memories, self-flagellation, regular trips to the cemetery and watering the grave with tears begin. Only this does not make it any easier for anyone, the deceased has no need for such manifestations of feelings, and her child is depriving himself of moral and physical health.

Sometimes you just need to let go of a deceased loved one. Mentally thank him for all the good things that happened, and accept the fact of death, no matter how hard it is. Say to yourself mentally: “my mother died, but I continue to live on.” For her memory." Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting and not worrying, you just shouldn’t torture yourself.

For prolonged depression (more than six months), you need to consult a psychologist for help. People cannot always cope with grief on their own; they should not be embarrassed to ask for help. The longer this is delayed, the worse it is for the grieving person.

No matter how it sounds, your own life does not end with the death of your mother. And it’s worth thinking about how your son or daughter will live it: savoring their grief or enjoying every day.

Mom died: how to cope?

Recovering from the loss of your closest and most beloved person is quite difficult, and it takes time. You need to allow yourself to go through every psychological stage associated with the death of your loved ones.

Many people are embarrassed to express their feelings and talk about the deceased. They suppress the tears that come, thinking that in this way they will be able to drown out the experiences faster. But that's not true. On the contrary, unexpressed emotions can provoke deep depression and negatively affect the rest of your life.

1. Don't blame yourself

Remorse is the fourth stage in accepting a loss. A person goes deep into himself, remembers episodes where he said something wrong, inadvertently offended, did not call on time, did not come for a long time, etc. The feeling of guilt haunts him and literally eats him from the inside.

If the blaming process is not stopped, negative mental and physical health consequences may appear over time.

In such a situation, it is important to understand that there are omissions, misunderstandings, and quarrels between close people. It's not good or bad, it's just the way life works. And no matter how much you reproach yourself, you cannot change the past, the main thing is that at one time you forgave each other.

It must be admitted that awareness of this does not always help and not everyone. And if the feeling of guilt persists, then try writing a letter to the deceased. In it, describe your feelings, repent that you regret what happened. From the bottom of your heart, ask for forgiveness and tell them about your love. After this, the paper should be burned.

This technique can be used until complete relief occurs.

Go to the cemetery and talk to the soul of a loved one. There is an opinion that spirits hear us, and for the first time after death they are nearby to help us survive trouble. When you come to the grave, talk as if you were talking to a living person. You may even feel someone's presence, and after that you will feel better.

If the methods described above do not help, and you cannot get rid of the guilt on your own, then contact a specialist. A psychologist will not only help you get rid of remorse, but also give advice on how to survive your mother’s death and let her go.

1. Give yourself time to accept

To fully accept your mother’s death, you need to allow yourself to experience difficult feelings so that this burden does not remain with you for the rest of your life. If you immediately close yourself without letting sadness and other negative emotions pass through, you will still return to them later, but then it will be more difficult to overcome the experiences, and they will become even more painful.

Delayed pain will be further complicated by the fact that you will not be able to count on the support of friends and family that you usually receive immediately after a loss.

But you shouldn’t cling to suffering either, because this will not allow you to fully understand the loss. Acceptance usually takes one to one and a half years. During this time, the grieving person leaves strong emotional experiences, he begins to realize the reality in which a loved one is no longer there, and make plans for the future.

While you are experiencing negative emotions, some people around you may behave incorrectly due to the fact that they do not know how to act correctly in this situation. If they are trying to give you help that could harm you, stay away from these sympathizers for a while.

For example, harmful support may include:

• in the desire to captivate with something, to switch attention in order to drown out experiences;
• in an effort to make you think more about children or other relatives in order to forget about the overwhelming pain;
• in devaluing your unique case.

1. Rebuild your lifestyle

At first, a person has no idea how to live after the death of his mother, especially when everything reminds him of her. In this case, it is highly advisable to rebuild your lifestyle - then the loss of your mother will not lead to deep depression and strong feelings for a long time.

• Try to communicate with other people more often, go to visit and invite friends to your home.
• Do not quit your job under any circumstances - this is now the main outlet that will help you switch from sad thoughts and temporarily forget the pain of loss.
• If your mother, with whom you lived together and led a common life, died, then you need to reorganize this aspect. For example, if she cooked or cleaned, and you have no time to do this, then hire a visiting service staff. You can also order food at home or dine in a cafe.

Try to rearrange everything in such a way that the feeling of emptiness is minimized and you feel comfortable living in the new conditions.

If possible, change your place of residence for at least a few months. Psychologists say that in case of any serious family difficulties, be it a divorce or the death of a relative, it is useful to change your place of residence for a while.

In the new home there will be no things that would remind you at every step that your mother has died. There you will be able to start a new life easier and be filled with hope.

Leave your hometown for a few days or weeks more often. If you have relatives or friends living in another country, then ask to live with them for a while. This option is even better because you will not be alone for a long time. Being around loved ones makes it easier to cope with any grief. You can take a vacation from work during this period.

If it is not possible to temporarily change living space, then remove the deceased’s belongings 40 days after death. It is advisable to get rid of the old furniture in the room in which the woman lived and make repairs there.

Someone will take this proposal with hostility and consider it a betrayal, but if you think about it, making a museum out of the apartment in memory of the deceased is stupid. Getting rid of things doesn't mean you will immediately forget the person and the role they played in your life. Rearrangement and repair are required to make the loss easier to cope with.

1. Don't try to replace your mother with loved ones

Some people, not knowing how to cope with the death of their mother, transfer the feelings they had for her to their loved ones. There is no need to do this, because this way you subconsciously deny the loss, prolong mental suffering and can ruin relationships with relatives, since they will not be able to live up to your hopes.

Remember, even if your mother died, she will forever occupy a place in your heart and memory. There is no need to demand from others what she gave, just be grateful to her for everything, and build completely different relationships with your relatives.

1. Believe in the best

Although it is very difficult for you now, know that even such acute pain goes away with time. Support yourself with faith in a better future. Yes, when your mother has just died, it’s hard to think about anything else other than the loss, but after a while you need to try to pull yourself together and start thinking about the good things that are in your life and what will still happen.

If you are visited by the thoughts “My mother died, I don’t know how to live on, and in general now my life has no meaning,” then know that psychologists call this cowardice.

Never forget about your health and personal life. Wherever your mother is now, she wishes you happiness and goodness - remember this and take care of yourself. You can sign up for dancing or a swimming pool, buy a membership to a fitness club, or get carried away with what you like best.

You shouldn't give up and let your life go downhill. The ability to withstand difficult situations and find the strength to believe in the best and move forward demonstrates a person’s will and fortitude.

1. If you can’t cope on your own, contact a specialist

If you happened to be around and watch your mother die, then this significantly intensifies the experience of loss, because even before her death you will be psychologically and emotionally exhausted. To avoid putting your mental and physical health at risk, if possible, contact a specialist who will help you for a long time.

This option is also good if you are embarrassed to talk about your feelings with relatives and friends, do not want pity on their part, or are a closed person by nature. In a psychologist’s office, you can fully open up and express your feelings and emotions - there are special techniques for this.

You should not contact the first specialist you come across. Take some time and choose someone who will not only be a professional in his field, but also a person who will be pleasant to you. It is important. If for some reason the doctor is unpleasant to you, he will not be able to provide full assistance. You will simply close yourself off from him.

Pay attention to your physical condition

Simple advice to those whose mother has died: listen to yourself. Instead of delving into suffering, it is better to think about your own health.

Some begin to drown their grief in alcohol, others refuse to eat, and others become addicted to energy drinks. A month of living like this is enough to significantly undermine your health.

First of all, you should refrain from drinking alcohol after the death of your mother. Mom passed away, but would she want her son or daughter to destroy themselves through the green snake? The answer is obvious, a mother did not give birth to her children so that they would drown their grief in wine.

Excessive consumption of energy drinks will lead to heart problems and sleep disturbances. The person becomes irritable, aggressive, and nightmares are possible. In rare cases, it comes to visual hallucinations. But does a healthy, perhaps married, person need it... Hardly.

The gym is a very good distraction from sad thoughts. If the orphan has never been there, now is the time to sign up for classes. A person will maintain not only physical, but also moral condition through exercise.

How to help someone cope with the death of their mother

Someone simply needs help, because a person cannot cope on his own with the death of such a close and dear person. And others do not want to see anyone, preferring to experience what happened alone.

A person who decides to support an orphan should know the following:

• Willingness to listen is not an imposition. It is necessary to be close, but not try to force a person to have a frank conversation if he does not want it.
• In moments of grief, people become very emotional. An orphaned person can be hurt by the most innocent word, to which he would not have paid attention before. You should be careful in your statements.

If a person whose mother has died becomes increasingly emotional, he should hint at a visit to a psychologist or a trip to church. This is done gently and tactfully, without pressing on the orphaned person. In theory this is easy to maintain, but in practice it is quite different. A person is not always willing and ready to accept support.

Analysis of the mourner's behavior

Grief is not a way of life, but a process. If it turns from ordinary grief into a complication, you should sound the alarm.

The four stages of normal, uncomplicated grief look like this:

• The presence of dynamics of the human condition.
• Periodic retreat from painful reality.
• Six months after the death of the mother, the grieving person begins to show the first positive emotions.
• The phase of acute grief is replaced by a return to a full life.

If six months pass and there is no dynamics, this indicates complicated grief. There is such an expression as “frozen in grief.” A person begins to think that he cannot be happy, thus he betrays the memory of his mother. It’s even worse if the orphan says that his life is over, stops caring about his appearance, and neglects his home. In this case, you need to seek professional help.

How to survive death from cancer?

The sudden death of a mother always takes him by surprise - a person is born with a feeling of confusion and guilt, indignation appears, and remains unsaid. Afterwards, he begins to regret the rare meetings, unexpressed feelings and harsh words that took place.

In the event of a mother's illness and death from cancer, children have more specific issues.

As a rule, death from cancer is not always easy, much less instant. The patient and his entourage know about the imminent inevitable outcome, they are forced to live with this information. Of course, this provides an opportunity to talk about something important: ask about painful issues, ask for forgiveness, prepare for the upcoming funeral.

Attention! Illness and imminent death from cancer is a difficult period for everyone: for a mother it is a mental test, and for close relatives it is knowledge of an imminent loss.

At the very beginning, relatives begin to deny what is happening, have an incomprehensible anger and a biased attitude towards doctors.

This excess of emotions severely traumatizes the psyche of not only the patient himself, but also his loved ones.

Often, with oncology, the patient needs special care - and this “falls” on the shoulders of his relatives, who themselves need psychological help:

• Of course, exhausting hours give rise to a desire for the sick mother to “leave” as quickly as possible, for which the children then experience an eternal feeling of guilt.
• In this case, it should be understood that the person does not want his mother to die quickly, he only wants an end to her suffering, and, perhaps, to his own and the entire family.
• Here you need to know: it is impossible to change the time of death of a loved one, no matter how much you would like it, and no matter how much you care about him.

Reference! Death from cancer is a peculiar mixture of emotions (sorrow of loss and relief from suffering). Sometimes after the mother leaves due to cancer, the child develops fear for his life and even a pseudo-sensation of pain in the same place as the patient.

In such cases, to calm down, it is necessary to undergo a medical examination and visit a psychotherapist.

Priesthood Councils

People are afraid of death, both their own and those of loved ones. They involuntarily think about what awaits at the end of life’s journey, how to help a deceased relative. And after my mother passes away, her fate after death is even more frightening.

The priests say that you need to pray for your dead mother. On the first night after death, the orphaned person must read the entire Psalter. For forty days it is obligatory to read the Psalter daily.

Prayer is real help, but people put pagan customs (a glass of vodka and a piece of bread, curtaining mirrors) on a par with Orthodoxy. There is no need to do this; you can help your deceased mother like this:

• Up to forty days, submit customized notes of repose daily.
• Order Sorokoust, the more the better.
• Regularly order memorial services in the church.
• Pray for the repose of the soul at home.
• Give alms.

Of course, this is not only done within forty days. Commemoration is also obligatory; it is a huge help to the soul of the deceased.

When death occurs from old age, it’s one thing. It is completely different if the mother dies due to a long illness, for example, cancer.

The Orthodox say: “cancer goes to Heaven just like that.” It is believed that a person suffering from cancer endures incredible suffering on earth. And then, after death, he goes to Paradise, having been cleansed by his suffering from the torments of hell.

It's difficult to talk about how to cope with the death of your mother. Everyone experiences it differently, but you can’t plunge headlong into grief. Prayer is salvation for the soul of the deceased, and for the mourner who has lost his mother.

Nature arranges it in such a way that one generation replaces another - everyone is destined to survive the death of their parents. Not everyone can cope with this stress on their own, so a psychologist’s advice on how to cope with the death of a mother will be useful to everyone who is faced with the bitterness of loss.

About personal...

I was so busy building a career and finding my own personal happiness that I never thought about the fact that I could lose my mother. It seemed to me that my mother was eternal... But life brought me back to the harsh reality: my mother has not been with me for four years. She died of cancer. And even all three years while we were fighting her illness, I couldn’t wrap my head around how the person closest to me could just disappear somewhere...

Of course, it seemed to me that I was ready for this loss. I saw her terrible torment in the last days of her life and even mentally tried to let her go, because I read somewhere that at such moments it is better not to hold loved ones with your emotional love and give them the opportunity to go to another world with a calm soul. I understood that separation was inevitable, but when that very day came, it was a shock for me.

Advice from priests

Orthodox priests have their own opinion on how to stop worrying too much about death.

Attention! Christianity interprets death as a transition to another life and the deliverance of the deceased from all his sins and torments.

Priests advise that you definitely order a magpie and a memorial service for the deceased in the church.

• An important aspect is reading prayers , in which you should ask the Lord for humility, peace and mental strength sufficient to reconcile with the loss.
• A visit to church gives a person peace, humility and an increase in spiritual strength .

Priests consider it wrong to grieve for a deceased person for a long time - the death of a mother is the will of the Almighty; it is necessary to thank God for giving the opportunity to be with her and to “let go” of her. In honor of memory, you should give alms more often and try to do good deeds.

Watch a video that explains why a dead mother comes in a dream:

How to survive the death of your mother: advice from a psychologist

The moment came when I felt that I didn’t know how to survive the death of my mother; I needed the advice of a psychologist like air.
For many, this awareness of the need for outside help does not occur immediately, but after a certain time. For me, this stage came after six months of melancholy. It would seem that it was time to come to terms, but for some reason it only became harder for me, and I began to collect information that would help me get out of depression:

1. Don't be alone with your grief. Even if you want to lock yourself at home and cry, look for someone with whom you can have a heart-to-heart talk. You are going through a difficult emotional period and it is normal to seek support from others. It may be awkward for the other person to continue the conversation for fear of causing you additional suffering. Don't ask for active dialogue. Your task is to speak out, share your feelings of longing and memories. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you feel that you need the help of a professional psychologist.

2. Don't try to rush the grieving process. Don't rush to get your life back on track, give yourself enough time to accept the situation. Don't compare yourself or listen to others compare how long it took someone else to mourn. Each situation and each person is individual: some can smile after a week, others remain in apathy for years.

3. Keep the memory of your deceased mother alive. Yes, she is not around, but she will remain in your heart. Record fond memories of her, treasure her favorite little things, learn to bake a pie using her signature recipe. Collect stories related to her from her friends and acquaintances. This will help replace the pain of loss with a feeling of light sadness and establish a connection with your mother on a new level.

4. Take care of your physical well-being. Grief is very exhausting and leaves an imprint on your health. Allocate 7-8 hours of sleep, eat normally, and at least occasionally engage in physically active activities.

5. Analyze which moments without your mother hurt you the most. Perhaps you always went shopping together before. Or on Sundays we went to the cinema. Or every evening we had a tea party with our favorite cookies. Make a similar list and try to avoid such situations alone - invite friends, call relatives. Fill the void with communication!

6. Change your usual schedule of activities and hobbies. If you used to meet with your mom on weekends, sign up for yoga classes at this time. Find a new hobby, meet interesting people, visit unusual places in the city.

7. Remember that your mother did not want to hurt you by leaving. Imagine what emotions she would experience looking at her child’s happiness! Live life to the fullest as if it were watching you from above!

There is nothing new or unusual in the advice of a psychologist on how to survive the death of a mother. But it happens that it is a recommendation, opinion or hint received from the outside that opens up the path of mental healing for you, forces you to re-analyze the situation and your condition and find the strength to live on.