Not everyone treats infidelity the same way: for some women, the infidelity of a gentleman is a strong slap in the face, some do not take trips to the left too seriously. However, most girls do not want to be betrayed.
Unfortunately, the fact of betrayal of a loved one in a family is no longer uncommon. This can happen in any married couple. Whether the family will be destroyed after such an act largely depends on the woman’s reaction: she can understand, forgive, or hold a grudge forever.
The main reasons for male infidelity
A detailed analysis of the problem can reveal several dozen different reasons for the second half’s betrayal. The reasons depend on internal psychological attitudes, which lead to infidelity. The most common ones include:
- Problems at work, a midlife crisis, quarrels in the family - a man is looking for a way to relax, trying to escape from reality. At the same time, someone else’s bed here turns into a “shelter” and is perceived as entertainment.
- Sexual dissatisfaction - the stronger sex is offended that the spouses no longer look and behave like they did before the wedding. The passion subsides. Husbands also seek satisfaction of unfulfilled desires, erotic fantasies, which they are embarrassed to admit or which they are denied.
- There are few common points of intersection (hobbies, social circles, life goals and preferences, worldviews) - acute differences in life priorities result in a couple moving away from each other and include the desire to find a like-minded person elsewhere.
- “Everyday life” - monotony, familiarity and predictability of relationships. When daily hassles and routine have long replaced romance, the husband is looking for novelty and freshness of impressions.
Other reasons include:
- the need to assert one’s personality;
- desire to increase self-esteem;
- search for new experiences;
- the desire to take revenge for the infidelity of the spouse;
- the inability or unwillingness to overcome the “instinct” of a predator;
- testing the strength of a marriage, the desire to “shake up” the relationship in this way.
It is very important to understand the reason for betrayal in order to reconsider the model of previous relationships and avoid betrayal in the future.
Family education
A lot depends on upbringing and family relationships. Sometimes some kind of trauma, a psychological problem rooted deep in childhood, leads to betrayal. Misogynists are prone to adultery, showing in this way their aggression, which lies in the subconscious. Boys spoiled by their mother’s love and considering themselves “God’s gift” are no exception. They are constantly looking for someone who will idolize him as a mother, which they cannot find in real life, no matter how much their wife loves them.
Feeling like the top of a triangle, for the love of which the whole family is fighting each other, the boy in maturity comes to the fight of two women for his “beloved”, only for this he takes a mistress. There will always be such a triangle in his life, even if his wife changes. In this case, the secret makes no sense; he must see the struggle of the rivals.
Mom and son
But even in a large family, when you yourself have to fight off pieces of love, a fighter grows up, for whom in the future defeating his opponent and taking his woman away becomes the main thing in the relationship. Love has nothing to do with it, the main thing is victory.
It would be a big misconception to believe that a mama’s boy or a “henpecked man” is not capable of treason. Having chosen a caring “mommy” as his wife, he eventually begins to look for a sexual partner. He will never leave his wife, which his mistress is often aware of.
Basically, several options are mixed in one man, which led to infidelity. Treason has many faces. If there is no desire or determination to immediately drive the traitor away, then it is necessary to comprehend and try to understand the reason that prompted the partner to cheat. There is always hope to fix everything.
Signs of betrayal
In order to prevent a series of infidelities as early as possible and stop adultery, some changes in the behavior of the other half should not be ignored, for example:
- sexual interest has disappeared or been reduced to a minimum;
- avoiding hugs, light kisses;
- new habits;
- constantly getting stuck on the phone;
- unexpected change of image, perfume, special attention to appearance;
- setting passwords and clearing message history;
- increased care for the car;
- suspicious spending, buying a new car and expensive items;
- the appearance of constant business, business trips.
These indirect signs may indicate an impending or accomplished fact of betrayal. Think about what you can do to prevent a tragic scenario from developing.
Stay friends
It is a rare case when a man and a woman can understand betrayal in the same way or not attach any importance to it at all. That is, perceive the fact itself as something insignificant, drink beer together, discuss the details and... just remain friends. At the same time, you can continue to live together, communicate and maintain relationships in every possible way. Until you get tired of it.
Although, of course, the only thing that will help you really cope with betrayal, forgive and survive it is time . In the meantime, you are sad and yearning - try not to focus on this, leave the betrayal in the past, in your “yesterday”, find new interests, reconsider your life, try to regain self-confidence and not blame yourself for what happened.
And find yourself a new loved one who will adore and take care of you. Know that he will definitely appear. This is the law of nature - someone new always comes to the vacant place!
Behavior strategy by stages
Betrayal by a loved one provokes strong negative emotions and psychological problems. To survive it, the victim needs a “reboot”, a desire to sort out his feelings and reliable support from loved ones.
Stages of experiencing betrayal:
Shock
As soon as it becomes known about the betrayal, resentment, hysteria and anger are not the best advisers. Despite the fact that it is extremely difficult to keep your mind cool and sober, this is the only option to save your family and get out with the least losses. Therefore, take a break for a few days after the tragic event and stay away from your spouse. Analyze your situation, make the right decision and act accordingly.
At the stage of shock, upon hearing about the betrayal, if the woman did not even know about it, she may deny what happened and ignore the evidence. Try with all your might to justify the traitor, going to the extent of ridiculous, delusional explanations, believing that this is a joke. This reaction is a defense mechanism that lasts from a few minutes of surprise to a week of constant denial.
Next, the brightest palette of emotions develops - from a chilling stupor to acute pain in hysterics. In any case, the ground disappeared from under our feet. The period of shock takes up to two weeks and the main thing is that at this moment there is support from loved ones and relatives. Before making fateful decisions, it is necessary to establish a connection with reality.
Aggression
The woman feels guilty for what happened and hates herself. She remembers her mistakes and misdeeds, and internally tries to share responsibility for what happened with the cheater. Does not conduct objective self-analysis.
Further, the aggression is redirected to the culprit and the mistress. Repentance and pangs of conscience are replaced by anger and rage. The spouse loses self-control, creates scandals and showdowns, and commits unusual impulsive actions in relation to the culprits of the problem.
To avoid the negative results of aggressive behavior and not lose your reputation, you should learn to “let off steam” in socially acceptable ways - go to the shooting range, join the gym, sing karaoke with your friends, play computer games.
parting
Reboot
At this time, betrayal is psychologically accepted as a fact. What to do about it and how to behave is the primary question. A typical feature of the period is a constant emotional swing: from the desire to forgive, forget everything, start over with a clean slate, to a decisive desire to burn all bridges and get a divorce.
During this period, love and passion can flare up with renewed vigor, and the “honeymoon” begins. Imaginary well-being is replaced by a feeling of deception, accompanied by quarrels and nagging. A woman constantly remembers betrayal and other negative aspects.
Recovery
The duration of this period is individual for everyone - from a week to many years. The primary goal is that life continues in a calm rhythm, without nervous breakdowns, fear of new betrayal, and old feelings return. It is important to come up with ways to increase self-esteem, make plans for every day and the future. You should not read books, watch books where the topic of betrayal is raised, listen to music that lifts your spirits. Update your wardrobe, change your hairstyle, start a hobby. After some time, everything will be forgotten and life will smoothly go on as usual.
Mistakes women make when caught cheating
- Espionage. You shouldn't spy on a loving couple. It adds neither pride nor dignity.
- Tears and humiliation. Out of pity, a man will definitely not want to return, and if he does, what kind of a compassionate marriage will it be... Marriage is a relationship based on mutual respect, not on pity. So, first of all, we must not forget about pride.
- Notify everyone around you about the betrayal. Everyone has enough problems of their own. When other people's problems and misfortunes are blamed on them, few will be delighted. At most, they can gossip about this topic behind their back. And if the wife forgets about the betrayal, they may also giggle at the scandalous couple.
- You shouldn’t burden yourself even more and find out details about your mistress. This will do nothing but cause more negativity.
To forgive or not to forgive
Forgiving infidelity is a difficult step. You shouldn’t accept a desperate desire to save a dying relationship with understanding and acceptance of wrongdoing. To save your marriage you need to restore your self-esteem, heal from trauma and understand yourself.
Several reasons when reconciliation may be more beneficial than separation:
- the partner feels guilty, sincerely regrets what he did, promises that this will never happen again, and is ready to work to correct the situation as a whole;
- presence of children;
- one-time connection, momentary recklessness, the effect of alcohol intoxication;
- You were in a long, happy relationship before the infidelity.
Do not forgive deception at the beginning of family life or the habit of cheating. If you understand that the relationship is doomed, betrayal is the result of the fact that you no longer have anything in common, you are no longer attracted to each other, then look at this as a reason to break up.
You can’t drive away forgiveness: a psychologist’s opinion on betrayal
Is it possible to forget about the betrayal of a loved one and forgive him? Psychologists answer this question differently; this is influenced by the circumstances and the attitude of the spouse to the current situation.
Experts in this controversial situation believe that adultery can be forgiven in the following cases:
- The betrayal occurred accidentally or one-time. The spouse was away from home for a long time (for example, on a business trip), the situation was provoked by drinking alcohol at some event.
- The spouse's repentance is obvious and appears to be true. He is trying to make amends.
- You have children together. A minor child usually experiences a divorce painfully, and his psyche may be disturbed. But constant quarrels provoked by jealousy are also a danger for children.
- Cheating occurred due to jealousy or a desire to take revenge on a partner.
How to survive your husband's betrayal
Seven tips to help you forgive your husband’s infidelity:
1.Move away. It is not easy. After all, it seems that the sooner you find out the situation, the sooner it will be resolved, but this is not so. The conversation will simply end in a scandal, hysteria, accusations and “caustic” words that will hurt the offender.
Take a break. Calm down. Walk more, throw yourself into work, let off some steam, go on vacation, spend more time with friends. Once you are able to distance yourself from the betrayer, it will be easier to think clearly about the situation and discuss it calmly with your spouse.
2. Don't suppress your feelings. A frank conversation will help you understand the reason for the action and get emotional release. You need to sincerely forgive your partner and accept the betrayal as a fait accompli, otherwise there is no point in saving the family.
Stop making excuses and believing that the relationship will magically become the same as before. It’s better to think whether you are ready to come to terms with the act and forgive.
To better understand the situation, you can contact a family psychologist or read books on this topic, for example:
- “Infidelity”, Marina Travkova;
- "The chemistry of love. A Scientific View of Love, Sex and Attraction”, Brian Alexander, Larry Young;
- "Right to left." Why do people cheat and is it possible to avoid cheating”, Esther Perel;
- “Bed wars. Infidelity, Sexual Conflict and Relationship Evolution by Robin Baker;
- “Why Men Lie and Women Cry,” Allan Pease, Barbara Pease;
- The Science of Love and Cheating by Robin Dunbar.
3. Don't blame yourself. Refuse to play the victim. Analyze your own actions, since two people are responsible for any rift in a relationship. You need to admit part of your wrongness, but without removing responsibility from the man and without self-flagellation. If your partner persistently or even aggressively accuses you, leave immediately.
You can remember the incident, but you don’t need to always remember the whole painful range of feelings, “scroll” in your imagination the details of how your husband gave love to another. There is no need to come up with options for repeated betrayals.
4. There is no need to compare yourself with your rival. Work on improving your self-esteem. Take care of your own appearance: take a manicure and makeup course, join a gym, update your wardrobe, change your image or style. The new image of a “desirable woman” will attract the gaze of the stronger sex and get rid of complexes.
5. Taking care of your own health will help distract you from negative thoughts after cheating. Physical and mental activity: do a thorough cleaning of the apartment, throw away or donate unnecessary things, take part in a city quest, play board games with friends.
6. Find support. Express yourself to your loved ones, chat on the forum with women who have also experienced betrayal. The problem will not seem so acute and painful if you talk about it very often: to your mother, to a friend, to yourself in front of the mirror, to a psychotherapist.
7.Work on improving your relationship. Start over and build a deep connection between you. Find something in common, share and share each other’s interests, watch a TV series together, read the same books. Go on vacation together.
Couples are brought together by their shared hobbies: tennis, cycling, painting by numbers. You can try something new for you: flying in a wind tunnel, rock climbing, hiking, pottery, baking cakes. Learn to compromise. Look for a middle ground in all decisions. Don't let everything always be the way only one of the partners wants.
Betrayal by husband during pregnancy
Sometimes couples break up during a woman’s most difficult and responsible period – during her pregnancy. How to survive your husband’s betrayal and betrayal when you are soon to have a child together?
- First, always remember that you are the only one responsible for your baby.
Your experiences and stress can negatively affect its intrauterine development and often become the causes of congenital diseases. Minimize your worries, although in a situation with your husband’s betrayal you are not going through the best of times. Your main goal should be to take care of yourself and the health of your child; do not waste energy on scandals and hysterics with your spouse. You need to focus your energy on quickly recovering from the news of betrayal.
- Secondly, provide your unborn child with everything necessary.
Your husband is obligated to help you financially after the baby is born.
When your husband has no problems with adequacy and responsibility, difficulties should not arise. If your spouse promises to help you with a certain amount of money every month, do you need to file for alimony in court? No matter how honest your husband is, his verbal promises will not guarantee payment to you, so think carefully about this issue.
Sometimes it happens that a spouse’s promises of financial support remain only words, and he does not want to help voluntarily. Therefore, at the very beginning, officially confirm that the husband agrees to transfer a certain amount to support the life of the child. If your spouse refuses to help you on principle, feel free to go to court. In any case, the child’s father is obliged to provide for him until he reaches adulthood.
- As mentioned above, focus on the positive aspects of your life to help you forget your spouse's betrayal more quickly.
Waiting for the birth of your baby is the most important and positive aspect of your life today. Prepare a children's room, attend classes for expectant mothers, make new friends there, and you will not have time to be sad and worry.
- Last of all, force yourself to forgive your unfaithful husband, who committed betrayal at this important time for both of you. Do this, although it will be very difficult for you.
Try to forgive your spouse not for him, but for yourself. A kind mother who will raise her child correctly is most important in this unpleasant situation. And if you harbor a grudge against your ex-husband, you may encounter difficulties in building new relationships with other men.
Symptoms of depression
Pronounced symptoms of depression appear already in the extreme stages of the disorder. At the initial stage, a person’s behavior pattern is not perceived as a “wake-up call” and is attributed to a bad mood. Therefore, it is necessary to learn how to identify a person’s depression based on primary signs, since timely psychological assistance is very important.
Irritability
Irritability is the first sign of depression. Of course, this can be associated with premenstrual syndrome, but in this case everything happens less impulsively. As a rule, the main “irritant” in depression is subconscious anger at oneself. A woman internally depresses her condition, comparing herself with other, more successful individuals, who can be famous and strangers, as well as close relatives or colleagues. Emotional stress resulting from depressive thoughts affects the people or objects around you.
Hysteria
Sudden attacks of hysteria occur due to a prolonged state of tension. A woman can behave easily and unforcedly, and after a short period of time burst into tears, remembering minor long-standing disagreements. Due to an excess of emotions and “tight” nerves, a person experiences shortness of breath, the pulse quickens, and the lungs decrease in volume, thereby ceasing to saturate the body with oxygen in the proper amount.
Impaired concentration
Impaired concentration on something or coordination in space are consequences of depressive syndrome. Even if a woman’s thoughts are distracted from the problem, the subconscious still “burdens” the condition and makes it difficult to concentrate. When talking to a woman, you may notice a “glassy” look to the side or an occasional smile. Thus, a person tries to behave at ease, hiding the cause of his anxiety.
Detachment
At the initial stage of depression, you can often hear the phrase “Everything is fine” from a woman, despite obvious nervous tension. A person prefers to remain silent from conversations, citing employment or illness.
Male depression
Men are raised from birth to be strong in spirit and not show external weaknesses, but this does not mean that the stronger sex is not susceptible to depression. As a rule, a person tries to “digest” the problem within himself, hiding external anxiety. Among the signs of depression in men, it is worth noting dryness in conversation, decreased performance, and even addiction to alcohol or cigarettes.
Female depression
Scientifically proven fact: women suffer from depression 5 times more often than men. Due to the high emotionality of the weaker sex, recognizing the initial stage of the disorder is not so difficult; just take a closer look at the behavior pattern.
If you wish, you can get out of depression on your own, help yourself get through a difficult period and move on with joy.
Keep your emotions under control
Do not give excessive free rein to destructive emotions, try to realize what is really happening, and identify your own goals - how you want to solve this problem (save your family or union, separate comfortably, change your attitude towards what is happening, or simply start life again).
Article on the topic
Together is impossible. My husband proposes divorce - what should I do? Based on your and only your goal, build an algorithm of behavior with your man. In some cases, there is a chance to preserve the union and make it more pleasant for both partners, even after cheating. This is indeed possible, so don’t cut and burn bridges at once.
Analyze the goal.
If a person is not prone to cheating, but it still happened, perhaps an unconscious desire to destroy the relationship was at work.
Article on the topic
Leftist and marriage. What benefits can adultery bring? A man does not want to go through this alone; it is important for him to find someone on the side, someone who will support him in his desire to leave the relationship. The mistress often acts as an external support point. It becomes a tool for solving personal problems.
If you feel that the betrayal had precisely this purpose, leave the relationship and do not try to look for those responsible.
